So!
Como tudo deve ter um aprendizado a partir das obrigações impostas pela minha cabeça, e como, parece ser o certo e legal, vamos pra mais uma.
Sabe, é meio estranho a sensação de sair, talvez porque seja a primeira vez que eu saia de um trabalho. "Trabalho", sei lá, nem somos estagiários, apesar de nos referirmos a nós mesmos como se fôssemos... bolsistas, that's what we are. E o salário que não sái, né?
Mas isso não é o mais importante... o mais importante... hm...
Sinceramente? As pessoas aqui.
Eu não aprendi muita coisa específica de trabalho, vamos ser sinceros, aqui é basicamente dinheiro de graça. Dá pra trabalhar bastante mas conforme você se acostuma com a "gestão", bem... você vê que não dá pra levar a sério. É foda.
Vou sentir um pouco de falta dos momentos legais mesmo, não de tudo obviamente já que aqui também há pessoas que eu não faço a menor questão, nunca deram uma mísera razão para tal. Bom, vamos falar do que importa.
E o que importa nem foi exatamente aprendido, mas é bom deixar registrado, tem muitas coisa que a gente sabe, mas só vendo na prática mesmo pra ficar na cabeça.
Lá vai.
Eu aprendi, que não é porque as pessoas tem assuntos diferentes e costumes diferentes que nunca poderemos ter alguma relação com elas. Muito menos elas nos odeiam, pelo menos se forem ocasiões normais.
As pessoas com quem eu mais me relacionei aqui frequentam lugares nos quais eu dificilmente me sinto em casa, mas sabe que sair com eles foi divertido? Was fine.
Aprendi que gente estúpida vai ter em qualquer lugar, e eles vão pegar no seu pé mesmo que você não dê motivo algum. Suckers.
Aprendi que é muito mais eficaz, pelo menos pra mim, usar do diálogo cordial para cobrar tarefas, quando se está na posição de chefe. Eu não tinha argumentos pra enfrentar o Trevor, estava protelando e era simplesmente isso. Se ele tivesse chegado com todas as facas na mão eu poderia ter apelado, mas da forma como ele perguntava o que tava acontecendo, po, na boa, não dava. O cara manda muito. E é foda que por ele ter esse comportamento vai ter muita gente que vai simplesmente achar que é moleza e daí não fazer nada. E com isso, acabamos por impulsionar a criação de mais um chefe otário que descarrega suas frustrações nos seus subordinados porque eles só respondem na porrada...
Well, let's hope for the best, shall we?
É sempre um aprendizado importante, ver que as pessoas às vezes não são só aquilo que você via à primeira vista. Pessoas que eu julgava meio toscas por serem... hm... diferentes, digamos assim, tinham outros lados, e nessa virada dá pra ver que são bons amigos.
Aprendi que notas baixas não mostram muita coisa. Gente inteligentíssima reprova. E há outras formas de ser inteligente.
Eu não sei direito como proceder aqui, então vou falar nomes. Não de todos, sei lá, vou falar das pessoas com quem eu passei mais tempo. Um dos caras mais bacanas daqui com certeza é o Alessandro, hands down. O cara é extremamente prestativo, tranquilo, interessado. Uma das pessoas que eu julgava ser totalmente diferente do que realmente é. Deijaval, bom. É o cara mais engraçado daqui, eu achava que ele era totalmente fútil. Tenho que pedir desculpa, ele é gente fina pra caramba e conversa de muitas outras coisas, longe de falar só besteira. E como podemos ver, se preocupa pra caralho com os amigos.
O Trevor me falou pra escrever sobre os pontos positivos e negativos do trabalho dele, hm... eu não sei direito. Talvez ele pudesse tomar uma atitude mais agressiva com relação à atrasos repetidos. Mas não tem muito o que fazer, aqui, se o cara não quer render, ele não vai render.
Conheci muita gente divertida e me surpreendi vendo que não é tão difícil achar pessoas com gostos parecidos com os meus (não muitos de uma vez, mas só um pouco já é algo).
Eu vou me despedir direito de todo mundo aqui, mas deixo registrado isso: Valeu. Valeu mesmo.
Não falei tantos nomes no fim das contas mas eu espero que aqueles que conversaram mais comigo saibam que as coisas positivas valem pra eles também.
Foi divertido, no fim das contas.
E não é o fim também, tenho o contato e ainda dá pra marcar umas saídas sinistras.
"Só o ouro!"
quarta-feira, 31 de agosto de 2011
terça-feira, 30 de agosto de 2011
Into destruction
—Esfriando...
...
—Pronto.
—Que estranho, né?
Em meio ao vapor, um garoto permanecia deitado...
—Então... pode me explicar o que diabos foi isso?
—Hm...?
—Temos registros de um comportamento extremamente hostil nessa região... e, bem,você está aqui. De novo.
—...Quero mais suco de goiaba...
—Puta que pariu... traz mais um pouco do suco pra ele...
—Eu podia estar dormindo agora, ou no bar, ou atirando em pessoas, mas tenho de estar aqui pra interrogar uma criança.
—Não é só uma criança, você viu o estrago que ele fez.
O garoto se encontrava deitado no sofá, com a cara em uma das almofadas, a bochecha pressionada contra a almofada de forma a deixar sua voz abobalhada.
A paciência já não mais existia.
Passos rápidos em direção ao sofá.
—ESCUTA! É BEM SIMPLES! Por que você não diz logo o que você quer?! A gente dá um jeito e todos saem felizes, não é a primeira vez que você surta, e nem vai ser a última, porque é tudo muito fácil, nada acontece com você...
—Eu não sei...
—Não sabe o quê?
—É ruim... é como se... mesmo com todo esse esforço...
—Que esforço?! FALA!
—Eu não consigo controlar às vezes... é como se, todas as coisas do mundo de desenho que eu criei se juntassem pra extrapolar as barreiras impostas... aquela vontadezinha de quebrar as coisas, sempre volta no final.
—Você não deveria ceder.
—Mas... mas no fundo eu quero o mesmo que eles. Assim como você quer atirar em pessoas, eu quero... destruir...
—Eu não entro em frenesi, no entanto.
—É que... eu não sei... não é como se eu fosse destruir as coisas ou machucar as pessoas afinal de contas... mas dá tanta vontade de bater em tudo com um taco de beisebol.
—Que merda,cara.
—Não tem nada nem ninguém que possa me parar, né?
—Creio que não. Vamos ter que dar um jeito em você...
—Hm...
Do you think about hurting people?
*grins* Almost all the time...
And what about lying in the pier watching the stars?
*grimaces* You should go to sleep, kid.
Gotcha.
...
—Pronto.
—Que estranho, né?
Em meio ao vapor, um garoto permanecia deitado...
—Então... pode me explicar o que diabos foi isso?
—Hm...?
—Temos registros de um comportamento extremamente hostil nessa região... e, bem,você está aqui. De novo.
—...Quero mais suco de goiaba...
—Puta que pariu... traz mais um pouco do suco pra ele...
—Eu podia estar dormindo agora, ou no bar, ou atirando em pessoas, mas tenho de estar aqui pra interrogar uma criança.
—Não é só uma criança, você viu o estrago que ele fez.
O garoto se encontrava deitado no sofá, com a cara em uma das almofadas, a bochecha pressionada contra a almofada de forma a deixar sua voz abobalhada.
A paciência já não mais existia.
Passos rápidos em direção ao sofá.
—ESCUTA! É BEM SIMPLES! Por que você não diz logo o que você quer?! A gente dá um jeito e todos saem felizes, não é a primeira vez que você surta, e nem vai ser a última, porque é tudo muito fácil, nada acontece com você...
—Eu não sei...
—Não sabe o quê?
—É ruim... é como se... mesmo com todo esse esforço...
—Que esforço?! FALA!
—Eu não consigo controlar às vezes... é como se, todas as coisas do mundo de desenho que eu criei se juntassem pra extrapolar as barreiras impostas... aquela vontadezinha de quebrar as coisas, sempre volta no final.
—Você não deveria ceder.
—Mas... mas no fundo eu quero o mesmo que eles. Assim como você quer atirar em pessoas, eu quero... destruir...
—Eu não entro em frenesi, no entanto.
—É que... eu não sei... não é como se eu fosse destruir as coisas ou machucar as pessoas afinal de contas... mas dá tanta vontade de bater em tudo com um taco de beisebol.
—Que merda,cara.
—Não tem nada nem ninguém que possa me parar, né?
—Creio que não. Vamos ter que dar um jeito em você...
—Hm...
Do you think about hurting people?
*grins* Almost all the time...
And what about lying in the pier watching the stars?
*grimaces* You should go to sleep, kid.
Gotcha.
Next-to-last... lackluster...
So, I don't want to fucking sleep.
Would you dare to accompany me through these words? That's all I want for now, company. You see, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here. And if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have come all this way. And it doesn't make sense, but here we are.
Right, right. So, we can stay here, listening to Oshichau, no one will see. It's funny that from time to time I get to like such happy and light-hearted songs... I guess it depends mostly on the anime it belongs to. Who knows.
But I enjoyed Omamori Himari anyway, even though it was too exaggerated at times.
Times, rhymes... I would like to have a clue on how does my head associates things. I got to understand a bit of it already, but it mostly remains one big dark mystery.
I'll get to sleep...
Lackluster, Lackluster.
The shortest way to victory is trying.
I liked that one. It's a good thing mind sometimes creates such phrases, I like that.
Would you dare to accompany me through these words? That's all I want for now, company. You see, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here. And if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have come all this way. And it doesn't make sense, but here we are.
Right, right. So, we can stay here, listening to Oshichau, no one will see. It's funny that from time to time I get to like such happy and light-hearted songs... I guess it depends mostly on the anime it belongs to. Who knows.
But I enjoyed Omamori Himari anyway, even though it was too exaggerated at times.
Times, rhymes... I would like to have a clue on how does my head associates things. I got to understand a bit of it already, but it mostly remains one big dark mystery.
I'll get to sleep...
Lackluster, Lackluster.
The shortest way to victory is trying.
I liked that one. It's a good thing mind sometimes creates such phrases, I like that.
Next-to-last
Let this be the real sign of something...
It's a curious thing. I've tried a few times to write from this place (that means, where I work, not as a freelancer). I've tried and tried, and thus I have failed. Failed and failed again. But now that there's only two more days, I feel like writing anyway. It's a curious thing, ain't it?
I always enjoy things more when they are actually so close to ending. Let's face it, it's a stupid thing. Well, getting real with such facts won't change them, so let's just roll a bit more.
Soon enough we will have a "What did I learn with the CDTC?". No, it's not going to be this text, it's freakin' 7 a.m. and I don't feel like writing that, I'll probably get sleepy soon since I am alone in here.
Alone... that is a word that follows me everywhere. I was told already to get a dog or a cat so I wouldn't be alone anymore at home. Well, I've had a dog already and I'd rather not have one again for a while, I can't take care of it, and since there's hardly anyone at home for most part of the day, I would just be throwing my "loneliness" at another being. And that, my friends, is unfair.
Not that I'm a well of fairness anyway...
So, isn't it funny that even when we have 19 of those around us, around us, we feel alone? Well, it ain't funny indeed. But, ain't it... odd?
Odd. Way too fucking odd.
But it's okay, I feel a bit good already just having company to lay together at the pier and stare at the stairs. Feeling another wave of sleepiness...
Well, well, well, I've spoken too much already, what about you? Next-to-last day, do not let it all go away without a word said.
I've thought and I've thought, through an infinite seam of confusion. I've fallen and I've lost, and through cracks in my heart I've walked. And after all the time I dwelled within myself, I've decided to come and talk. Make me sleep?
It's a curious thing. I've tried a few times to write from this place (that means, where I work, not as a freelancer). I've tried and tried, and thus I have failed. Failed and failed again. But now that there's only two more days, I feel like writing anyway. It's a curious thing, ain't it?
I always enjoy things more when they are actually so close to ending. Let's face it, it's a stupid thing. Well, getting real with such facts won't change them, so let's just roll a bit more.
Soon enough we will have a "What did I learn with the CDTC?". No, it's not going to be this text, it's freakin' 7 a.m. and I don't feel like writing that, I'll probably get sleepy soon since I am alone in here.
Alone... that is a word that follows me everywhere. I was told already to get a dog or a cat so I wouldn't be alone anymore at home. Well, I've had a dog already and I'd rather not have one again for a while, I can't take care of it, and since there's hardly anyone at home for most part of the day, I would just be throwing my "loneliness" at another being. And that, my friends, is unfair.
Not that I'm a well of fairness anyway...
So, isn't it funny that even when we have 19 of those around us, around us, we feel alone? Well, it ain't funny indeed. But, ain't it... odd?
Odd. Way too fucking odd.
But it's okay, I feel a bit good already just having company to lay together at the pier and stare at the stairs. Feeling another wave of sleepiness...
Well, well, well, I've spoken too much already, what about you? Next-to-last day, do not let it all go away without a word said.
I've thought and I've thought, through an infinite seam of confusion. I've fallen and I've lost, and through cracks in my heart I've walked. And after all the time I dwelled within myself, I've decided to come and talk. Make me sleep?
segunda-feira, 29 de agosto de 2011
Amizade verdadeira ou O que aprendi no templo
"As amizades verdadeiras sempre retornam pra gente"
Shit. There's just too much in my head right now. I really wanted to write but...
I'll go to bed for a while and I'll try to write as soon as possible.
Right, we are on the bed now, let's try.
So, before I forget, that quote over there is from Mario. That was his answer for the "What have we learned from the temple this year?". At first he had no answer, since, well we normally learn nothing from it. He said that it was just good to see the guys again, then he came with that phrase. Well...
Well. I found it amazing. I wanted to write about every temple day but being out of time/a professional procrastinator didn't help. So, with this one I'll summarize it all.
Amazing because it's one of those things that look epic to hear, when the right ones say it, since saying such things all the time takes the shine away. And, I feel like I REALLY need to do something to show those around me that I appreciate having them around. I know, I normally charge myself too much over such things. But, it would be good, wouldn't it? I'm normally just taking things, not giving them. Well, I'll find a way.
And me, what did I learn... I don't know. It's not that bad to talk to people you barely know, they normally treat you well. I've gotta establish a few boundaries. You don't need to avoid going somewhere you like just because of other people. Sometimes it may seem that someone didn't like us, but we've gotta try again, perhaps they really really liked us, but they behave in a way we weren't used to deal with. Help may come from pretty much everywhere.
It's really too fucking good when a girl passes her hand through my hair. We've gotta trust friends. There may be a girl who can make us sleep. Sometimes it's ok to just sit there and watch people dance, if that feels right and you can travel through your mind and relax.
You don't have to extend your life, focus that effort on enjoying it. In fact, you don't even have to enjoy it, it won't be enjoyable all the time, you've gotta live it. It's a strange thing coming from me, but I am trying to break my chains.
I feel immense despair when I think about company.
You don't have to always go after people, let them come sometimes. If they really enjoy your company, they will.
If all goes bad, well, the sky is still there for us.
And if you like something people did, tell them that. Sometimes that was all they were waiting to continue it. Who knows, right?
I hate it when it ends.
I know, I know...
But it does feel good this time.
Hm?
I feel like...
...?
Like...
...
There is something different, like it ended but something continued...
Tell me more.
You know, when... it ended but it doesn't look like it's all over, it's gone...
What do you feel?
Like... something has been learnt, although I don't know what...
Haha, boy...
What?
Perhaps you've just met hope.
...
Don't worry, it seems we are finally heading somewhere. I know it must feel weird to hear that but...
...You're going to stay here right?
...
...
To the very end, boy.
Shit. There's just too much in my head right now. I really wanted to write but...
I'll go to bed for a while and I'll try to write as soon as possible.
Right, we are on the bed now, let's try.
So, before I forget, that quote over there is from Mario. That was his answer for the "What have we learned from the temple this year?". At first he had no answer, since, well we normally learn nothing from it. He said that it was just good to see the guys again, then he came with that phrase. Well...
Well. I found it amazing. I wanted to write about every temple day but being out of time/a professional procrastinator didn't help. So, with this one I'll summarize it all.
Amazing because it's one of those things that look epic to hear, when the right ones say it, since saying such things all the time takes the shine away. And, I feel like I REALLY need to do something to show those around me that I appreciate having them around. I know, I normally charge myself too much over such things. But, it would be good, wouldn't it? I'm normally just taking things, not giving them. Well, I'll find a way.
And me, what did I learn... I don't know. It's not that bad to talk to people you barely know, they normally treat you well. I've gotta establish a few boundaries. You don't need to avoid going somewhere you like just because of other people. Sometimes it may seem that someone didn't like us, but we've gotta try again, perhaps they really really liked us, but they behave in a way we weren't used to deal with. Help may come from pretty much everywhere.
It's really too fucking good when a girl passes her hand through my hair. We've gotta trust friends. There may be a girl who can make us sleep. Sometimes it's ok to just sit there and watch people dance, if that feels right and you can travel through your mind and relax.
You don't have to extend your life, focus that effort on enjoying it. In fact, you don't even have to enjoy it, it won't be enjoyable all the time, you've gotta live it. It's a strange thing coming from me, but I am trying to break my chains.
I feel immense despair when I think about company.
You don't have to always go after people, let them come sometimes. If they really enjoy your company, they will.
If all goes bad, well, the sky is still there for us.
And if you like something people did, tell them that. Sometimes that was all they were waiting to continue it. Who knows, right?
I hate it when it ends.
I know, I know...
But it does feel good this time.
Hm?
I feel like...
...?
Like...
...
There is something different, like it ended but something continued...
Tell me more.
You know, when... it ended but it doesn't look like it's all over, it's gone...
What do you feel?
Like... something has been learnt, although I don't know what...
Haha, boy...
What?
Perhaps you've just met hope.
...
Don't worry, it seems we are finally heading somewhere. I know it must feel weird to hear that but...
...You're going to stay here right?
...
...
To the very end, boy.
sexta-feira, 26 de agosto de 2011
Warm
These people that remember who you were...
I like them...
They are still kind to you...
Even if they can't really help you directly, seeing them again makes you happy...
Only I know how much I tried to make you happy...
If I had to sink my soul once again in murdering to see you happy, I'd do it wholeheartedly...
Once you're happy, you'll get more fuel to move ahead...
Even if no one else believes in you...
Well, I believe in you...
Do not... give up...
Thanks, mind. It's good to hear these things sometimes.
I like them...
They are still kind to you...
Even if they can't really help you directly, seeing them again makes you happy...
Only I know how much I tried to make you happy...
If I had to sink my soul once again in murdering to see you happy, I'd do it wholeheartedly...
Once you're happy, you'll get more fuel to move ahead...
Even if no one else believes in you...
Well, I believe in you...
Do not... give up...
Thanks, mind. It's good to hear these things sometimes.
quinta-feira, 25 de agosto de 2011
Useless beings...
I was told once that the only way to achieve something was to give up who I am. I don't want to do that now... in fact, I never really did. Even when I've set to obey every command Nazgul would give, I didn't trully meant it. I didn't follow everything exactly, perhaps a bit of my fault, had to be more determined. But, perhaps I just couldn't give up myself, so unconsciously I sabotaged myself. That's a good thought, it shows that at least unconsciously I try to help myself.
But things are looking better now, way more clear... I like it.
Soon I'll have a bit more of time, shall be fun. I like dodgeball, a lot, hope we get to play tomorrow.
I can't remember much about all the things that seemed to deserve to appear here.
I thought a lot about this story today, I didn't make it up, saw it someday at the television. Some years ago, when I was in high school.
The boy walked into the pet shop, well, at least I guess it was a pet shop. They sold stuff for pets but they also sold dogs and cats that had no owner, some found at the street, other donated to the shop. Well, too many details that I don't really remember.
So, we have this boy, walking toward the guy that runs the pet shop. Or whatever that shop is called. And he says:
—Good morning sir, I would like to buy a dog.
The man, somewhat around forty years, look at the boy amused. Boys this young normally come with their parents, they aren't that independant. Anyway, he proceeds to ask:
—Sure, young man, are you looking for a particular breed?
—Uh, no... I'm just looking for a dog.
—Okay, come.
He leads the boy through a narrow corridor, barking can be heard from the other side. The corridor gives into another corridor, not so narrow, surrounded by cages. In every cage, three or four small dogs, some newborn, other just small breeds. Some cages hold only one, larger, older.
The man proceeds into speaking about all the breeds and the ones that he would recommend the most for playing, guarding the house, and such.
—This one!
The boy points to a cage in which lies a calm dog, not barking like almost all the others. The man gets annoyed by the fact that the boy didn't even bother to listen to what he was saying, he starts to think that this boy is unaware to the fact that he'll have to actually pay for the dog. After getting closer to the mentioned cage, he says:
—Oh... this one... listen, young man, you don't want this dog.
—Why not? He looks like a fine dog!
—It came here after suffering an accident, its previous owners didn't want it anymore...
—Why not?!
—Look.
The man points to the dog, more specifically to its legs. And the boy then notices that there's something different, the dog has only three legs. "So that's what's it all about", he thinks. The man look at the serious expression at the boy's face and turns around.
—It's sad indeed, but that's life, come, I guess you'll like th...
—I'll stay with this one.
—What?! That dog can't even run, you can't be serious, boy.
—I am serious, I want to buy this dog.
—Listen, I know you mighty be feeling sad about its condition, but he's a useless dog now, no one wants that dog.
—I want.
—May I ask, why would you want such an useless being?
The boy stares seriously at the man's eyes. The man feels as if he had just challenged the boy, who couldn't refure the challenge yet couldn't win.
The young one then proceeds to uncover one of his legs.
—Because I'm an "useless being" myself.
The man sees that the bare leg is a prosthesis.
No more words were said during the transaction.
But things are looking better now, way more clear... I like it.
Soon I'll have a bit more of time, shall be fun. I like dodgeball, a lot, hope we get to play tomorrow.
I can't remember much about all the things that seemed to deserve to appear here.
I thought a lot about this story today, I didn't make it up, saw it someday at the television. Some years ago, when I was in high school.
The boy walked into the pet shop, well, at least I guess it was a pet shop. They sold stuff for pets but they also sold dogs and cats that had no owner, some found at the street, other donated to the shop. Well, too many details that I don't really remember.
So, we have this boy, walking toward the guy that runs the pet shop. Or whatever that shop is called. And he says:
—Good morning sir, I would like to buy a dog.
The man, somewhat around forty years, look at the boy amused. Boys this young normally come with their parents, they aren't that independant. Anyway, he proceeds to ask:
—Sure, young man, are you looking for a particular breed?
—Uh, no... I'm just looking for a dog.
—Okay, come.
He leads the boy through a narrow corridor, barking can be heard from the other side. The corridor gives into another corridor, not so narrow, surrounded by cages. In every cage, three or four small dogs, some newborn, other just small breeds. Some cages hold only one, larger, older.
The man proceeds into speaking about all the breeds and the ones that he would recommend the most for playing, guarding the house, and such.
—This one!
The boy points to a cage in which lies a calm dog, not barking like almost all the others. The man gets annoyed by the fact that the boy didn't even bother to listen to what he was saying, he starts to think that this boy is unaware to the fact that he'll have to actually pay for the dog. After getting closer to the mentioned cage, he says:
—Oh... this one... listen, young man, you don't want this dog.
—Why not? He looks like a fine dog!
—It came here after suffering an accident, its previous owners didn't want it anymore...
—Why not?!
—Look.
The man points to the dog, more specifically to its legs. And the boy then notices that there's something different, the dog has only three legs. "So that's what's it all about", he thinks. The man look at the serious expression at the boy's face and turns around.
—It's sad indeed, but that's life, come, I guess you'll like th...
—I'll stay with this one.
—What?! That dog can't even run, you can't be serious, boy.
—I am serious, I want to buy this dog.
—Listen, I know you mighty be feeling sad about its condition, but he's a useless dog now, no one wants that dog.
—I want.
—May I ask, why would you want such an useless being?
The boy stares seriously at the man's eyes. The man feels as if he had just challenged the boy, who couldn't refure the challenge yet couldn't win.
The young one then proceeds to uncover one of his legs.
—Because I'm an "useless being" myself.
The man sees that the bare leg is a prosthesis.
No more words were said during the transaction.
quarta-feira, 24 de agosto de 2011
Gauging
I don't want to keep on complaining, even though I've held all the complaints to me and only me for a great part of my life. I want to be someone whose company is desired by others. Someone who doesn't bring a storm everywhere he goes.
Give.
I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want be taken by fear, I can fight it, I know I can.
Me.
I was once told that I was strong, it felt wonderful. I wanted to be strong, even stronger than those around me, so I can survive and also help them survive. I know I have this... situation, almost daily, when it gets late and humans have to sleep. But I don't want to think that I'm useless just because pretty much everyone else is able to sleep easier than I am.
Strength.
I'll go and sleep now. And even if I don't sleep, I'll be fine for tomorrow. Someone has to do it, why can't it be me?
Give.
I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want be taken by fear, I can fight it, I know I can.
Me.
I was once told that I was strong, it felt wonderful. I wanted to be strong, even stronger than those around me, so I can survive and also help them survive. I know I have this... situation, almost daily, when it gets late and humans have to sleep. But I don't want to think that I'm useless just because pretty much everyone else is able to sleep easier than I am.
Strength.
I'll go and sleep now. And even if I don't sleep, I'll be fine for tomorrow. Someone has to do it, why can't it be me?
terça-feira, 23 de agosto de 2011
Until we sleep
Is there anyone else out there feeling sad when the night is over and you've gotta get back home?
—Wasn't a bad day, right?
—Not bad at all.
The child lied his head over his arms, as if he would sleep. His cheeks were pressed against his arms and his voice was slow. He looked at nowhere, perhaps lost in thoughts.
There were lots of people at the house, some at the kitchen near the child, others at the living room. Laughter could be heard from every corner, people chatted continuously.
Perhaps he could sleep in there. It felt calm. At last, calm.
It's funny. Looks like the times I most need company are when they've already spent their time with me and left back to their houses.
—Wasn't a bad day, right?
—Not bad at all.
The child lied his head over his arms, as if he would sleep. His cheeks were pressed against his arms and his voice was slow. He looked at nowhere, perhaps lost in thoughts.
There were lots of people at the house, some at the kitchen near the child, others at the living room. Laughter could be heard from every corner, people chatted continuously.
Perhaps he could sleep in there. It felt calm. At last, calm.
It's funny. Looks like the times I most need company are when they've already spent their time with me and left back to their houses.
segunda-feira, 22 de agosto de 2011
Survival of the Weirdest
I have so many things running through my head now...
I like the fact that I can see the moon from my window as I write now, and that the wind is blowing gently, in a way you can hear the leaves shaking as if rain was coming. And, I like it when it is dark but the moon is shiny though not entirely shiny. The surroundings get clearer, as if the moon had an aura, its color I dare not say, for I was never the best in regard to colors.
I... wake up feeling different every day, it's strange, like a random game of chance. I may wake up tired, even if I slept well, it's weird. But it's okay because this way, every single trait of my personality has a chance of showing its prowess. And, may the weirdest win.
But, today was Sunday, and most Sundays I get sad because I feel it's a wasted day, a lazy and boring day. I really wish someone would come up with things to do on these days, because I don't really now what to do.
And it feels incomplete, it hurts. I hate Sundays.
Sometimes I just feel like asking for someone to walk with me through the strangest places, just to get the feeling that we are doing something of a Sunday.
I have a question, how far would you go to help a friend/an enemy/someone?
I like the fact that I can see the moon from my window as I write now, and that the wind is blowing gently, in a way you can hear the leaves shaking as if rain was coming. And, I like it when it is dark but the moon is shiny though not entirely shiny. The surroundings get clearer, as if the moon had an aura, its color I dare not say, for I was never the best in regard to colors.
I... wake up feeling different every day, it's strange, like a random game of chance. I may wake up tired, even if I slept well, it's weird. But it's okay because this way, every single trait of my personality has a chance of showing its prowess. And, may the weirdest win.
But, today was Sunday, and most Sundays I get sad because I feel it's a wasted day, a lazy and boring day. I really wish someone would come up with things to do on these days, because I don't really now what to do.
And it feels incomplete, it hurts. I hate Sundays.
Sometimes I just feel like asking for someone to walk with me through the strangest places, just to get the feeling that we are doing something of a Sunday.
I have a question, how far would you go to help a friend/an enemy/someone?
domingo, 21 de agosto de 2011
Who?
—Então, vamos lá.
—The question is: how would you describe yourself?
—The answer is: I don't know.
—But! That is the immediate answer for the immediate question. Since we are playing by our rules now, gotta change the question to our game.
—No, it can't be "Who are you?". That shit is harder. Perhaps the hardest. Let's see, if we were to ask by our standards... it would be "Do you like beverages?".
—Sprite! Gosto de Sprite. Gostava de Coca, mas... passei mal depois de beber 6 litros em uma festa, daí decidi parar. Depois de um tempo sem tomar, não é mais a mesma coisa.
—And I comprehend it's stupid. It doesn't matter what did I drink, 6 liters is overkill. Nazgul says I get addicted too easy... it's kinda true. When I like something, I speak about it all the time, I want it all the time.
—Mas que fique claro que eu só falo toda hora pras pessoas ao meu redor. Não sou de sair falando assim, timidez e um pouco de ser reservado também.
—What about those around you?
—Eu gosto deles, no caso estamos falando dos meus amigos, quando eu uso essa expressão, geralmente é deles que eu falo. Queria poder mostrar isso de um jeito que não ficasse piegas. Quanto à família, bem, eu gosto deles um pouco, já que eu me sinto mal por sentir que não me importo com eles. É esquisito eu sei.
—Indeed, Let's see, the next is "Why do you like sweets?"
—Hm... sei lá, meu paladar doido gosta de doces, me sinto bem comendo. É engraçado, muitas vezes eu me forço a comer porque meus amigos dizem que tem um buraco negro na minha barriga e eu meio que... tento manter isso.
—What was the first story you wrote?
—Hm... se não me engano, Blast Life, era basicamente uma história aleatória de um cara que saía de seu planeta pra não morrer e aí tem de sobreviver em um mundo totalmente novo e perigoso. Eu só misturava personagens e eventos de coisas que eu gostava, tipo Dragon Ball Z, Warcraft 2, Ogre Battle, Quest 64... e por aí vai.
—What about insanity?
—Hm... essa é difícil porque eu não saquei. Mas eu me considero maluco por conviver comigo mesmo na minha cabeça. Não me parece que as outras pessoas, no geral, fiquem pensando consigo mesmas como se houvesse mais de uma pessoa dentro delas.
—Gosta do céu, não gosta?
—Gosto, mas de qual é a dessa pergunta?
—Dunno, doesn't matter. Is it true that you lie?
—Yeah, I've developed my techniques even further. You see, lying is fun because it allows the creation of surprises. And I love surprises.
—It seems the next question is "You like to help people, why?", but, I assume it's better to skip it.
—Leave it as "I like to help those around me, sometimes more than anything else, so fuck you".
—Alright, so why do you like bells?
—Gosto do som, geralmente dá pra colocar em trilhas sonoras legais, me dá uma sensação boa mas eu não sei o que é, tipo aquele som que tocava em uma versão antiga do Windows, mas não lembro se era um programa ou o sistema operacional mesmo.
—E esses prédios que você vê agora?
—Gosto deles, fazem parte das sensações boas que eu não sei o que são.
—Can you describe it?
—Only when I find someone who cares.
—The question is: how would you describe yourself?
—The answer is: I don't know.
—But! That is the immediate answer for the immediate question. Since we are playing by our rules now, gotta change the question to our game.
—No, it can't be "Who are you?". That shit is harder. Perhaps the hardest. Let's see, if we were to ask by our standards... it would be "Do you like beverages?".
—Sprite! Gosto de Sprite. Gostava de Coca, mas... passei mal depois de beber 6 litros em uma festa, daí decidi parar. Depois de um tempo sem tomar, não é mais a mesma coisa.
—And I comprehend it's stupid. It doesn't matter what did I drink, 6 liters is overkill. Nazgul says I get addicted too easy... it's kinda true. When I like something, I speak about it all the time, I want it all the time.
—Mas que fique claro que eu só falo toda hora pras pessoas ao meu redor. Não sou de sair falando assim, timidez e um pouco de ser reservado também.
—What about those around you?
—Eu gosto deles, no caso estamos falando dos meus amigos, quando eu uso essa expressão, geralmente é deles que eu falo. Queria poder mostrar isso de um jeito que não ficasse piegas. Quanto à família, bem, eu gosto deles um pouco, já que eu me sinto mal por sentir que não me importo com eles. É esquisito eu sei.
—Indeed, Let's see, the next is "Why do you like sweets?"
—Hm... sei lá, meu paladar doido gosta de doces, me sinto bem comendo. É engraçado, muitas vezes eu me forço a comer porque meus amigos dizem que tem um buraco negro na minha barriga e eu meio que... tento manter isso.
—What was the first story you wrote?
—Hm... se não me engano, Blast Life, era basicamente uma história aleatória de um cara que saía de seu planeta pra não morrer e aí tem de sobreviver em um mundo totalmente novo e perigoso. Eu só misturava personagens e eventos de coisas que eu gostava, tipo Dragon Ball Z, Warcraft 2, Ogre Battle, Quest 64... e por aí vai.
—What about insanity?
—Hm... essa é difícil porque eu não saquei. Mas eu me considero maluco por conviver comigo mesmo na minha cabeça. Não me parece que as outras pessoas, no geral, fiquem pensando consigo mesmas como se houvesse mais de uma pessoa dentro delas.
—Gosta do céu, não gosta?
—Gosto, mas de qual é a dessa pergunta?
—Dunno, doesn't matter. Is it true that you lie?
—Yeah, I've developed my techniques even further. You see, lying is fun because it allows the creation of surprises. And I love surprises.
—It seems the next question is "You like to help people, why?", but, I assume it's better to skip it.
—Leave it as "I like to help those around me, sometimes more than anything else, so fuck you".
—Alright, so why do you like bells?
—Gosto do som, geralmente dá pra colocar em trilhas sonoras legais, me dá uma sensação boa mas eu não sei o que é, tipo aquele som que tocava em uma versão antiga do Windows, mas não lembro se era um programa ou o sistema operacional mesmo.
—E esses prédios que você vê agora?
—Gosto deles, fazem parte das sensações boas que eu não sei o que são.
—Can you describe it?
—Only when I find someone who cares.
Shattered glass
We are living in a place where walls are made of glass. You can see through them as long as you take care of them. You know what comes ahead, and it knows where you are. It is a safe place if you take care of it.
But once in a while, we lose control and start to destroy what is ours. We destroy things we once swore to protected with our lives. Sometimes, we destroy them in a desperate attempt to protect. And then it gets broken, it gets hard to see what lies beneath when the walls are cracked. These cracks distort our vision of what's around. Sometimes, this makes us desperate, makes us angry. And we just shatter these walls even further.
Even further...
We are living surrounded by shattered glass.
I can't repair it...
Someday I'll get to understand why do I always create a story for every single thought or event, doesn't matter how insignificant they are.
I am... insane. On a quest for a description of myself, in fact, I'm on a lot of quests, somehow I'll get better when I have accomplished 'em all. Talking to a lot of people to get advice and some small details of life that I have left behind. Trying to keep the bad thoughts away.
But that's irrelevant now. Or irrelephant, if the one to whom I write now prefer.
I have decided a few things on the topic of forgiving. I don't really understand very much what is forgivingness even now. I'm mostly letting it be this way, until it sleeps. Although I have a record of very rancorous temper, and I'm vengeful ever since I was a child. But, I'm aware of it, and one of the things I've forced myself to understand is that you can't revenge all the time. It hurts a bit to think that this time I won't be giving 'em what they deserve. I wonder what do people think when they read these stuff.
At the moment I would ask, what do YOU think? Not that it would change much of what I decided, but it's always good to hear some opinions.
As long as she doesn't come any closer, I'll do my best to let it rest. Otherwise, well, I'll just put the cards on the table. No bruising, I promise. I'll just say I don't need such company, and some other things.
Or, as you said, I don't deserve it. I like some details of the things you write. Most people would write "You can't be continuously..." or "You shouldn't allow yourself to be continuously...", in this occasion. They normally write ''You don't deserve to be continuously..." to those who are really close to them. Different, indeed, I like that. I appreciate your concern and the fact that even though you don't really know who or what could I be, you show you care.
Do not apologize, I don't like it when people say they are sorry. I've developed a very skeptical mind regarding that. I feel like it's too easy to say ''I'm sorry''. Still, I'm not going to say that if you're sorry you should show it some other way. You are already doing more than what you should and I am very fond of your thoughts so far.
You see, some days I feel all serious and polite, and other days I feel like a pit of rage. But every single day, I'm trying to cover it up, being aware of what should I say to people, since most aren't to be blamed for my temper.
I am, as I said, on a quest to get a description of myself, but I'd say I'm a child. At least sometimes. An angry child, you may say. But I'm, slowly and afraid of what may come after every turn, trying. I don't know whether my choice will have a succesful result. I have my doubts about it. It's a very well-developed chain, it took years to achieve such an incredible resistance to any damage, and I made sure it would come out perfect, it was my token of a lonely life through eternity since I didn't quite believe I was to be a part of something, someday. It's one hell of a battle to break it, just saying again to assure you of it.
But it's easier when there's someone else. So, thanks.
I feel like asking for a story, but that's just my childish side asking for assurance. In fact, it's just asking for company.
But once in a while, we lose control and start to destroy what is ours. We destroy things we once swore to protected with our lives. Sometimes, we destroy them in a desperate attempt to protect. And then it gets broken, it gets hard to see what lies beneath when the walls are cracked. These cracks distort our vision of what's around. Sometimes, this makes us desperate, makes us angry. And we just shatter these walls even further.
Even further...
We are living surrounded by shattered glass.
I can't repair it...
Someday I'll get to understand why do I always create a story for every single thought or event, doesn't matter how insignificant they are.
I am... insane. On a quest for a description of myself, in fact, I'm on a lot of quests, somehow I'll get better when I have accomplished 'em all. Talking to a lot of people to get advice and some small details of life that I have left behind. Trying to keep the bad thoughts away.
But that's irrelevant now. Or irrelephant, if the one to whom I write now prefer.
I have decided a few things on the topic of forgiving. I don't really understand very much what is forgivingness even now. I'm mostly letting it be this way, until it sleeps. Although I have a record of very rancorous temper, and I'm vengeful ever since I was a child. But, I'm aware of it, and one of the things I've forced myself to understand is that you can't revenge all the time. It hurts a bit to think that this time I won't be giving 'em what they deserve. I wonder what do people think when they read these stuff.
At the moment I would ask, what do YOU think? Not that it would change much of what I decided, but it's always good to hear some opinions.
As long as she doesn't come any closer, I'll do my best to let it rest. Otherwise, well, I'll just put the cards on the table. No bruising, I promise. I'll just say I don't need such company, and some other things.
Or, as you said, I don't deserve it. I like some details of the things you write. Most people would write "You can't be continuously..." or "You shouldn't allow yourself to be continuously...", in this occasion. They normally write ''You don't deserve to be continuously..." to those who are really close to them. Different, indeed, I like that. I appreciate your concern and the fact that even though you don't really know who or what could I be, you show you care.
Do not apologize, I don't like it when people say they are sorry. I've developed a very skeptical mind regarding that. I feel like it's too easy to say ''I'm sorry''. Still, I'm not going to say that if you're sorry you should show it some other way. You are already doing more than what you should and I am very fond of your thoughts so far.
You see, some days I feel all serious and polite, and other days I feel like a pit of rage. But every single day, I'm trying to cover it up, being aware of what should I say to people, since most aren't to be blamed for my temper.
I am, as I said, on a quest to get a description of myself, but I'd say I'm a child. At least sometimes. An angry child, you may say. But I'm, slowly and afraid of what may come after every turn, trying. I don't know whether my choice will have a succesful result. I have my doubts about it. It's a very well-developed chain, it took years to achieve such an incredible resistance to any damage, and I made sure it would come out perfect, it was my token of a lonely life through eternity since I didn't quite believe I was to be a part of something, someday. It's one hell of a battle to break it, just saying again to assure you of it.
But it's easier when there's someone else. So, thanks.
I feel like asking for a story, but that's just my childish side asking for assurance. In fact, it's just asking for company.
quinta-feira, 18 de agosto de 2011
A three hours night
Hello there!
Haha, long time no see...
Well, wasn't such a long time!
For sure, I wish it had been a few years longer.
Aw, don't be so bitter, it's... okay!
Okay?
Well, yeah, ain't it good to see an old friend?
It depends on what are we talking about... in this very occasion, no, it isn't.
Aw...
Listen, I just wanted to sleep.
I know it, but we can't always have what we want.
Don't even tell me about it. I just don't understand... is it too much to ask to have a few hours of sleep? See, I'm not even asking for good dreams and the best hours of rest in the world. It is as simple as, sleeping. Give me my nightmares, I don't care. I got to the point of liking them, you know it well.
Sorry, my friend.
Ah... whatever...
Well... since we are already here, why don't we... ahn... talk to each other?
About what?
I don't know, how has it been in the real world?
I was doing... quite fine, wasn't trully awesome but, was heading for awesomeness. Now I'll probably wake up a bit tired and will not be able to perform as good as I should today.
You should be a bit more optimistic.
I'm being realistic here.
Hm... okay, okay. What did you think about this last class of yours, in which the teacher said that we are in other human's heads?
I found it an interesting thought, well, it's something everyone knows, but I found amusing the way he said it. It's strange to think that we dwell in their heads, isn't it?
Well, not quite, as he said, they also dwell in ours.
Yes, but, ah I don't know, do we exist in their heads? I mean, I know we do but, I would like to ask, inside how many heads can we be found?
Hm... I have no idea about that one, you remember what Pedro said right? It would be awesome to know what they think...
Yep...
So... what else?
What else...?
Yeah, tell me something else!
I don't know what is there to be told. I am, on probation period, trying not to swarm my mind with the bad thoughts and all....
Probation, huh?
I find it funny that, even though what we decided to do regarding her is taken as the most rational option, it still feels bad because doesn't look like justice shall be served by any means.
But... it is still rational, right?
Yeah, I understand it, it's just that... since I was young there was always this urge for revenge, to balance equations. They hurt me, I hurt them. But I know I can't win 'em all.
Only time, my friend, only time...
I am a bit lost...
Lost?
Ah, nevermind.
Oh, come on, you don't need to be shy! There's no one else in here, as usual...
Nah... it's okay. I just have this horrible feeling of not being able to get out of the hole I dug for myself.
Looks like it never stops, right?
Never.
Do you remember "at least the sky is still there for us"?
I do.
Look at it. They used to tell us that there might be someone else looking at the stars just as we are, somewhere in this world. Even if it doesn't solve anything, it's still pretty.
Doesn't look like an answer...
It doesn't have to be an answer. Sometimes, amending the situation is better than solving it at once.
I see...
What about that girl who wrote the story?
What do you mean?
Well, you could recur to her in order to get some aid.
I guess she has already done what she could, can't really ask more of her.
Asking something isn't going to tear the flesh...
That doesn't mean I can keep on giving people more preoccupations. They already have lots to deal with. If it "amends" things for you, I'm already moving ahead, got these four people for my walking project and they gave me some ideas. I'll probably write about it later, as soon as I feel that I have time.
You don't ha...
I KNOW there are people who want to help me, okay? And I do trust in a few people. What do you want me to do?! Ask if they want to keep on talking to me so I don't get free time to think?
That's a bit too much I guess.
The problem is that I wasn't born with this sense of ''when is it enough?". I'd rather not try to test when will they complain.
The problem is that you've accepted not being born with such sense. You also weren't born knowing how to play an rpg, yet you learned it slowly.
I don't feel like it's the same.
To the hell with what you feel, gotta just try it out sometimes!
My, my, your turn to look startled?
Stop being a sissy.
Well, let me sleep then.
As soon as you promise to try a bit more.
If you could assure me I won't be visiting you at least until September...
I assure you, as long as you don't give up your plans.
Looks like we have lots of deals then.
Good.
See you then.
Until next we meet, my friend.
I'd say the quantity of mistakes needed to stop walking around in circles is proportional to your desire of going ahead, sometimes we get so frustrated we forget there is another way of walking.
Haha, long time no see...
Well, wasn't such a long time!
For sure, I wish it had been a few years longer.
Aw, don't be so bitter, it's... okay!
Okay?
Well, yeah, ain't it good to see an old friend?
It depends on what are we talking about... in this very occasion, no, it isn't.
Aw...
Listen, I just wanted to sleep.
I know it, but we can't always have what we want.
Don't even tell me about it. I just don't understand... is it too much to ask to have a few hours of sleep? See, I'm not even asking for good dreams and the best hours of rest in the world. It is as simple as, sleeping. Give me my nightmares, I don't care. I got to the point of liking them, you know it well.
Sorry, my friend.
Ah... whatever...
Well... since we are already here, why don't we... ahn... talk to each other?
About what?
I don't know, how has it been in the real world?
I was doing... quite fine, wasn't trully awesome but, was heading for awesomeness. Now I'll probably wake up a bit tired and will not be able to perform as good as I should today.
You should be a bit more optimistic.
I'm being realistic here.
Hm... okay, okay. What did you think about this last class of yours, in which the teacher said that we are in other human's heads?
I found it an interesting thought, well, it's something everyone knows, but I found amusing the way he said it. It's strange to think that we dwell in their heads, isn't it?
Well, not quite, as he said, they also dwell in ours.
Yes, but, ah I don't know, do we exist in their heads? I mean, I know we do but, I would like to ask, inside how many heads can we be found?
Hm... I have no idea about that one, you remember what Pedro said right? It would be awesome to know what they think...
Yep...
So... what else?
What else...?
Yeah, tell me something else!
I don't know what is there to be told. I am, on probation period, trying not to swarm my mind with the bad thoughts and all....
Probation, huh?
I find it funny that, even though what we decided to do regarding her is taken as the most rational option, it still feels bad because doesn't look like justice shall be served by any means.
But... it is still rational, right?
Yeah, I understand it, it's just that... since I was young there was always this urge for revenge, to balance equations. They hurt me, I hurt them. But I know I can't win 'em all.
Only time, my friend, only time...
I am a bit lost...
Lost?
Ah, nevermind.
Oh, come on, you don't need to be shy! There's no one else in here, as usual...
Nah... it's okay. I just have this horrible feeling of not being able to get out of the hole I dug for myself.
Looks like it never stops, right?
Never.
Do you remember "at least the sky is still there for us"?
I do.
Look at it. They used to tell us that there might be someone else looking at the stars just as we are, somewhere in this world. Even if it doesn't solve anything, it's still pretty.
Doesn't look like an answer...
It doesn't have to be an answer. Sometimes, amending the situation is better than solving it at once.
I see...
What about that girl who wrote the story?
What do you mean?
Well, you could recur to her in order to get some aid.
I guess she has already done what she could, can't really ask more of her.
Asking something isn't going to tear the flesh...
That doesn't mean I can keep on giving people more preoccupations. They already have lots to deal with. If it "amends" things for you, I'm already moving ahead, got these four people for my walking project and they gave me some ideas. I'll probably write about it later, as soon as I feel that I have time.
You don't ha...
I KNOW there are people who want to help me, okay? And I do trust in a few people. What do you want me to do?! Ask if they want to keep on talking to me so I don't get free time to think?
That's a bit too much I guess.
The problem is that I wasn't born with this sense of ''when is it enough?". I'd rather not try to test when will they complain.
The problem is that you've accepted not being born with such sense. You also weren't born knowing how to play an rpg, yet you learned it slowly.
I don't feel like it's the same.
To the hell with what you feel, gotta just try it out sometimes!
My, my, your turn to look startled?
Stop being a sissy.
Well, let me sleep then.
As soon as you promise to try a bit more.
If you could assure me I won't be visiting you at least until September...
I assure you, as long as you don't give up your plans.
Looks like we have lots of deals then.
Good.
See you then.
Until next we meet, my friend.
I'd say the quantity of mistakes needed to stop walking around in circles is proportional to your desire of going ahead, sometimes we get so frustrated we forget there is another way of walking.
quarta-feira, 17 de agosto de 2011
Fragile balance
—Ahn...
—Huh?
The boy stood there, silently watching the shy girl. Hadn't she started that awkward, perhaps he would never have noticed how shiny her eyes were. Even though he only saw it for a brief second, since she started to avoid his stare, nervously.
He wondered a bit before asking...
—Uhm, anything wrong?
No answer.
Not that she ignored him, well, she kinda did it, but she seemed too nervous to actually get the words out. She started blushing then.
—Uhm... hi?
Still no answer. He actually felt embarrassed for her, he knew how it felt to be shy. It didn't take away the whole awkwardness of the moment, though.
Her long hair covered her face as she stared the ground, her hand shaking.
—Listen, I know how it sucks to be shy and all, why don't you t...
—I-I CAN HELP YOU SLEEP!
It felt as if the whole awkwardness of the scene got multiplied by millions, and exploded, leaving a complete silence. They didn't even hear the cars on the street. Time seemed to stop.
After a few moments that looked like ages, he got the guts to break the silence.
—Erm... what...?
She looked so nervous he swore she could cry anytime.
—I-I have... read... your notebook... I know I shouldn't but... but... I don't know.
Hm... didn't turn out as good as it looked like in my head. Well, anyway, it's almost time to sleep and there's a lot of things to be done tomorrow. Gotta keep the good vibe of this day. It feels good to see that you're actually accomplishing things.
Oh, and the blog for the comic strips is now this one. Guess this time we can stick to our plan and post every Wednesday.
Have you ever felt like you were bipolar or just downright insane? Is it the price of being different? Why do horror movies make me feel good?
—Huh?
The boy stood there, silently watching the shy girl. Hadn't she started that awkward, perhaps he would never have noticed how shiny her eyes were. Even though he only saw it for a brief second, since she started to avoid his stare, nervously.
He wondered a bit before asking...
—Uhm, anything wrong?
No answer.
Not that she ignored him, well, she kinda did it, but she seemed too nervous to actually get the words out. She started blushing then.
—Uhm... hi?
Still no answer. He actually felt embarrassed for her, he knew how it felt to be shy. It didn't take away the whole awkwardness of the moment, though.
Her long hair covered her face as she stared the ground, her hand shaking.
—Listen, I know how it sucks to be shy and all, why don't you t...
—I-I CAN HELP YOU SLEEP!
It felt as if the whole awkwardness of the scene got multiplied by millions, and exploded, leaving a complete silence. They didn't even hear the cars on the street. Time seemed to stop.
After a few moments that looked like ages, he got the guts to break the silence.
—Erm... what...?
She looked so nervous he swore she could cry anytime.
—I-I have... read... your notebook... I know I shouldn't but... but... I don't know.
Hm... didn't turn out as good as it looked like in my head. Well, anyway, it's almost time to sleep and there's a lot of things to be done tomorrow. Gotta keep the good vibe of this day. It feels good to see that you're actually accomplishing things.
Oh, and the blog for the comic strips is now this one. Guess this time we can stick to our plan and post every Wednesday.
Have you ever felt like you were bipolar or just downright insane? Is it the price of being different? Why do horror movies make me feel good?
terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2011
Energy and envy
Energy is low...
I know, I know.
Shit...
Calm down, will ya?
I'm trying, but... where are we going to get energy?
I don't know...
It's funny.
I used to feel I had so much energy, never tired. Looks like the tables have turned. It feels bad to feel tired... as if...
As if...
As if there's nothing else to be seen, nothing new from which I could gather more energy. Yet I keep on going on, undead mode. It's weird.
But there's still so much to be done, yesterday I felt good because I was doing all these chores, well, I started doing at least, and once you start doing, you feel even more excited to continue. Some kind of inertia as I see.
I feel tired... why can't I rest?
But I can't just give up like that. If I stop creating energy out of thin air I'll make way to envy.
"What is envy?" you may ask. Envy is what has grown silently inside, feeding on disbelief and on what the eye could see. Slowly it overtook a vast area, taking care not to attract much attention. It's goal is to rival hatred as the main controller of this being. Though that is still a bit far. But, there's a plan. As it has grown from the observation of those around the being, it started to feed on the being's need for caress. As it watched those around them, strange thoughts started to flow through the river of thoughts. Small and ugly at first. Envy fed on them. And it gained control over one of the sources, tainting it to create bigger thoughts of the desired type.
It's actual plan is to take down those around the being who can help it. It shows the being that helping those around it isn't a good thing anymore, because they can get caress, the being can't. Once alone, envy will have enough power to rival hatred.
And then, who knows what can happen.
I remember some words I've seen on an Earthbound picture. I liked it.
"Please give us strength, if it is possible...
Please...
Somebody...
Help us..."
Don't worry, it ain't over yet. I'm not giving up on my friends yet. Not yet.
I know, I know.
Shit...
Calm down, will ya?
I'm trying, but... where are we going to get energy?
I don't know...
It's funny.
I used to feel I had so much energy, never tired. Looks like the tables have turned. It feels bad to feel tired... as if...
As if...
As if there's nothing else to be seen, nothing new from which I could gather more energy. Yet I keep on going on, undead mode. It's weird.
But there's still so much to be done, yesterday I felt good because I was doing all these chores, well, I started doing at least, and once you start doing, you feel even more excited to continue. Some kind of inertia as I see.
I feel tired... why can't I rest?
But I can't just give up like that. If I stop creating energy out of thin air I'll make way to envy.
"What is envy?" you may ask. Envy is what has grown silently inside, feeding on disbelief and on what the eye could see. Slowly it overtook a vast area, taking care not to attract much attention. It's goal is to rival hatred as the main controller of this being. Though that is still a bit far. But, there's a plan. As it has grown from the observation of those around the being, it started to feed on the being's need for caress. As it watched those around them, strange thoughts started to flow through the river of thoughts. Small and ugly at first. Envy fed on them. And it gained control over one of the sources, tainting it to create bigger thoughts of the desired type.
It's actual plan is to take down those around the being who can help it. It shows the being that helping those around it isn't a good thing anymore, because they can get caress, the being can't. Once alone, envy will have enough power to rival hatred.
And then, who knows what can happen.
I remember some words I've seen on an Earthbound picture. I liked it.
"Please give us strength, if it is possible...
Please...
Somebody...
Help us..."
Don't worry, it ain't over yet. I'm not giving up on my friends yet. Not yet.
domingo, 14 de agosto de 2011
Rights versus duty
You see, it has to die.
Does it?
For sure.
I want it to die.
Do you?
Yes.
No, you don't, if you really wanted it, it would become reality. But you know that there's still a part of you that's fighting back.
...
Don't make that face, you know deep inside there's still hope in you. That small part that still believes in people, that they can change and surprise you. It's growing weaker. It's the chance we were waiting.
...
We just need you to allow us to attack. Remember, you didn't even know these people before, and yet you lived well. You don't need them, they are cannon fodder, as all others. You do not owe them, remember that.
I... don't know...
You don't know?
If, this is the right way... what... is the right way of proceeding?
Allow us to put them in their right places. You already have lots boiling inside you, it's not fair, let them have it.
I will, protect my friends, even then, you acknowledge that right?
Protect... I see...
To perceive and protect...
And, perhaps it's only necessary to attack those who have done us harm or that haven't proved they can fight by our side...
What do you mean?
I can't, I mean, I can, but, it looks a bit suicidal to simply turn against those who aren't at the friend position, yet fight by our side.
Do they really fight by our side?
I am holding a "yes" as the answer so far...
You understand that this may turn against you, right?
I can take the risks.
Fine. Any other condition?
Perhaps, we could, apologize for anything we done against some of those by our side?
APOLOGIZE?!
Well, I was just thinking...
THAT I DO NOT ACCEPT! Who the hell you think we are?! You think this is some kind of child's play?! At the end everyone will have their candies and all can wave goodbye and be happy?!
...
WHY IS IT ALWAYS WE?!
...
WHY?!
I... don't know...
That's outrageous.
You know what? I'm not signing this contract now.
Oh... really?
Really. Get out.
I see, get your time to think... we have no hurry.
You did quite well back there.
...
Well... let's go get some sleep.
...
Anything wrong?
*bursts into tears*
I can only do my best to look happy this August 15th... I am too weak to decide whether going on full scale hatred or forgiving...
What is the right answer...?
Does it?
For sure.
I want it to die.
Do you?
Yes.
No, you don't, if you really wanted it, it would become reality. But you know that there's still a part of you that's fighting back.
...
Don't make that face, you know deep inside there's still hope in you. That small part that still believes in people, that they can change and surprise you. It's growing weaker. It's the chance we were waiting.
...
We just need you to allow us to attack. Remember, you didn't even know these people before, and yet you lived well. You don't need them, they are cannon fodder, as all others. You do not owe them, remember that.
I... don't know...
You don't know?
If, this is the right way... what... is the right way of proceeding?
Allow us to put them in their right places. You already have lots boiling inside you, it's not fair, let them have it.
I will, protect my friends, even then, you acknowledge that right?
Protect... I see...
To perceive and protect...
And, perhaps it's only necessary to attack those who have done us harm or that haven't proved they can fight by our side...
What do you mean?
I can't, I mean, I can, but, it looks a bit suicidal to simply turn against those who aren't at the friend position, yet fight by our side.
Do they really fight by our side?
I am holding a "yes" as the answer so far...
You understand that this may turn against you, right?
I can take the risks.
Fine. Any other condition?
Perhaps, we could, apologize for anything we done against some of those by our side?
APOLOGIZE?!
Well, I was just thinking...
THAT I DO NOT ACCEPT! Who the hell you think we are?! You think this is some kind of child's play?! At the end everyone will have their candies and all can wave goodbye and be happy?!
...
WHY IS IT ALWAYS WE?!
...
WHY?!
I... don't know...
That's outrageous.
You know what? I'm not signing this contract now.
Oh... really?
Really. Get out.
I see, get your time to think... we have no hurry.
You did quite well back there.
...
Well... let's go get some sleep.
...
Anything wrong?
*bursts into tears*
I can only do my best to look happy this August 15th... I am too weak to decide whether going on full scale hatred or forgiving...
What is the right answer...?
Curse
It's... locked...
We are screwed.
...
Shit!
I wonder, what's happening next? What will I become?
Is hatred our destiny? Our doom? Our future?
Is there future?
Too many questions. Too many thoughts, I am always coming back here. But I can't deny that the August 12th had a nice party. It was fun, I would like to be able to tell everyone who was there that they were awesome. I was once told that you can never know whether those around you are the best because there's always new people to be known and such...
But, for the occasion, for the time being, for being there, well, in case you who read this is included, you were the best.
I hate my birthday, it's not a closed secret. I expect insane things to happen. It never happens. I am afraid of doing any event because I feel (fear) it's not going to be so good. But it worked.
Thanks.
Now, we're back from the fight of the 12th. Into yet another fray. Can't be helped. I am cursed into liking any girl that shows the slight sign of kindness and I find a bit pretty. It sucks.
I am developing hatred further and further, what will be the end of this?
In the end I'm just a child that wasn't able to get out of his world and relate to others, but still, was given a heck of a lot of resources.
If, just if, I could be a normal human... for only one day, one day, that's all... I promise you, I would do my best to learn all I could. So I could then be normal for the rest of my life.
Uhm... hello!
Hi.
I was... wondering... do you like strawberries?
Huh...? Yes... why?
Well, I have these strawberries and they are pretty tasty and... you're pretty.
We are screwed.
...
Shit!
I wonder, what's happening next? What will I become?
Is hatred our destiny? Our doom? Our future?
Is there future?
Too many questions. Too many thoughts, I am always coming back here. But I can't deny that the August 12th had a nice party. It was fun, I would like to be able to tell everyone who was there that they were awesome. I was once told that you can never know whether those around you are the best because there's always new people to be known and such...
But, for the occasion, for the time being, for being there, well, in case you who read this is included, you were the best.
I hate my birthday, it's not a closed secret. I expect insane things to happen. It never happens. I am afraid of doing any event because I feel (fear) it's not going to be so good. But it worked.
Thanks.
Now, we're back from the fight of the 12th. Into yet another fray. Can't be helped. I am cursed into liking any girl that shows the slight sign of kindness and I find a bit pretty. It sucks.
I am developing hatred further and further, what will be the end of this?
In the end I'm just a child that wasn't able to get out of his world and relate to others, but still, was given a heck of a lot of resources.
If, just if, I could be a normal human... for only one day, one day, that's all... I promise you, I would do my best to learn all I could. So I could then be normal for the rest of my life.
Uhm... hello!
Hi.
I was... wondering... do you like strawberries?
Huh...? Yes... why?
Well, I have these strawberries and they are pretty tasty and... you're pretty.
quinta-feira, 11 de agosto de 2011
Another random night
I can sleep, but I can't rest.
Scars burning.
Agony.
A burden I can't carry.
Expectations I can't live up to.
Looks like a fair game. It's gonna be fun to defeat such odds stacking against me.
It would be easier if you existed though.
Perhaps, it would be even more fun.
But I reckon those like me weren't made to deal with it. At least not normally. Working side by side as two become one...
But, that's not the end anyway. If I can't trust girls and I'm in quarantine, then I'll aim my kindness at thee who does not exist. I have this disease, a malfunctioning status that I still haven't been able to fix, I'm almost dependant on being close to someone else. So it will be she who does not exist yet she should...
I like it.
Would you like a milkshake? I'm paying.
Scars burning.
Agony.
A burden I can't carry.
Expectations I can't live up to.
Looks like a fair game. It's gonna be fun to defeat such odds stacking against me.
It would be easier if you existed though.
Perhaps, it would be even more fun.
But I reckon those like me weren't made to deal with it. At least not normally. Working side by side as two become one...
But, that's not the end anyway. If I can't trust girls and I'm in quarantine, then I'll aim my kindness at thee who does not exist. I have this disease, a malfunctioning status that I still haven't been able to fix, I'm almost dependant on being close to someone else. So it will be she who does not exist yet she should...
I like it.
Would you like a milkshake? I'm paying.
quarta-feira, 10 de agosto de 2011
Thy day comes
Less than 48 hours now...
I see the gatekeepers again, they found me. They are unhappy by merely guarding the gates of Despair Heights, they want me there. They can find me anytime...
RUN!
Oh my, oh my... guess those alive are always showing their... lively faces, huh?
...
So silent, my boy... we should be commemorating! 22 years of servitude!
I do not serve you...
SILENCE!
Dead bodies, dead bodies everywhere. Dreadful creatures roaming free...
Blood and guts covering the air as bodies are thrown, I don't know where do they get so many people to kill, but it startles me. It startles me that I come back here everytime...
Frantic...
They scream, they run... mutilating and chewing, playing with corpses as if they were toys...
Blood covers us, it's as if they couldn't get us, yet they try to frighten or annoy, covering us in limbs...
A cut in my ear... I don't like this place... I hear children screaming...
"DO NOT DESPAIR, DO NOT DESPAIR, DO NOT DESPAIR..."
The voices... the voices, make them stop!!
You can run, and I will ever find you, you are never leaving us, never, NEVER!
The insane laughter...
What if I ask? What if I ask? I can ask...
DO NOT EVEN BOTHER!
Please, please is it too much to ask to have a whole night with my friends and then we can sleep, everyone in matresses all over the room, wake up and eat breakfast as if we had no responsability over other things...
GIVE UP, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU HERE!
Please please...
Blood spills everywhere... the innocent pay...
Why do we have to die if we didn't do anything wrong, to which a simple "because you are alive" comes.
There is no way out and the numbers are against us, they never sleep...
Is it too much to ask for a surprise?
What if it is, weakling?
Tongues cut.
Is it possible for them to prepare you a surprise, just as the surprises you prepare? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT? That somehow some shall call others that you don't see a long time ago, and you will then be able to see them again?! Vomit, vomit blood...
...
Vomit, vomit your soul out. You can't take measures against us.
Light fades, and no one comes...
The city bursts into flames... glass shattering everywhere... there's the end in every corner... I hate this day...
It's covered in disappointment... because I expect too much... why?
I can remember the taste of last year, that stupid dream... I can hear their voices laughing at me...
Nothing shall happen...
"But it doesn't have to be this way..."
It has, because I have to learn that surprises won't come like that.
"They can come..."
More than twenty years and I haven't learnt that yet...
"Because you hope..."
Because I am stupid enough to expect that something special is going to happen.
"It is a special day after all..."
There's nothing special.
"There is..."
...
"You can feel it if you really put your heart into it..."
She won't appear.
"Maybe... but, have you given her an appearance?"
Doesn't matter, I'd rather be alone. I am made of those bizarre things after all, ain't I?
"Bizarre but not entirely bad..."
You know I don't have strength to fight you...
"I do... because at the moment I'm the personification of her..."
As if...
"But when she comes, you'll have to face me..."
Oh, sure.
"You're a kind boy, don't let them take you back to Despair Heights... you don't deserve it..."
Perhaps I belong there.
"No, not there... come..."
Where we goin'?
"For now, you're going to sleep..."
...
"I'l make you sleep and I'll stay here, ok?"
Ok...
Hmph, stupid.
I see the gatekeepers again, they found me. They are unhappy by merely guarding the gates of Despair Heights, they want me there. They can find me anytime...
RUN!
Oh my, oh my... guess those alive are always showing their... lively faces, huh?
...
So silent, my boy... we should be commemorating! 22 years of servitude!
I do not serve you...
SILENCE!
Dead bodies, dead bodies everywhere. Dreadful creatures roaming free...
Blood and guts covering the air as bodies are thrown, I don't know where do they get so many people to kill, but it startles me. It startles me that I come back here everytime...
Frantic...
They scream, they run... mutilating and chewing, playing with corpses as if they were toys...
Blood covers us, it's as if they couldn't get us, yet they try to frighten or annoy, covering us in limbs...
A cut in my ear... I don't like this place... I hear children screaming...
"DO NOT DESPAIR, DO NOT DESPAIR, DO NOT DESPAIR..."
The voices... the voices, make them stop!!
You can run, and I will ever find you, you are never leaving us, never, NEVER!
The insane laughter...
What if I ask? What if I ask? I can ask...
DO NOT EVEN BOTHER!
Please, please is it too much to ask to have a whole night with my friends and then we can sleep, everyone in matresses all over the room, wake up and eat breakfast as if we had no responsability over other things...
GIVE UP, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU HERE!
Please please...
Blood spills everywhere... the innocent pay...
Why do we have to die if we didn't do anything wrong, to which a simple "because you are alive" comes.
There is no way out and the numbers are against us, they never sleep...
Is it too much to ask for a surprise?
What if it is, weakling?
Tongues cut.
Is it possible for them to prepare you a surprise, just as the surprises you prepare? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT? That somehow some shall call others that you don't see a long time ago, and you will then be able to see them again?! Vomit, vomit blood...
...
Vomit, vomit your soul out. You can't take measures against us.
Light fades, and no one comes...
The city bursts into flames... glass shattering everywhere... there's the end in every corner... I hate this day...
It's covered in disappointment... because I expect too much... why?
I can remember the taste of last year, that stupid dream... I can hear their voices laughing at me...
Nothing shall happen...
"But it doesn't have to be this way..."
It has, because I have to learn that surprises won't come like that.
"They can come..."
More than twenty years and I haven't learnt that yet...
"Because you hope..."
Because I am stupid enough to expect that something special is going to happen.
"It is a special day after all..."
There's nothing special.
"There is..."
...
"You can feel it if you really put your heart into it..."
She won't appear.
"Maybe... but, have you given her an appearance?"
Doesn't matter, I'd rather be alone. I am made of those bizarre things after all, ain't I?
"Bizarre but not entirely bad..."
You know I don't have strength to fight you...
"I do... because at the moment I'm the personification of her..."
As if...
"But when she comes, you'll have to face me..."
Oh, sure.
"You're a kind boy, don't let them take you back to Despair Heights... you don't deserve it..."
Perhaps I belong there.
"No, not there... come..."
Where we goin'?
"For now, you're going to sleep..."
...
"I'l make you sleep and I'll stay here, ok?"
Ok...
Hmph, stupid.
terça-feira, 9 de agosto de 2011
Chains
There's a legend about a man, whose sole purpose in life was to create chains. He was some sort of specialized blacksmith, a skillful creator of chains.
He had the ability of creating chains for the most varied uses, from mere acessories to industrial machinery needs. Chains that were as delicate and fragile as the hearts of those who gave them as gifts to their beloved ones, chains that were as thick and tough as the hatred of those who grew into war, imprisoned by their enemies through eternity.
Within time, he got renowned. His prices skyrocketed as his clients' requests raised. Yet, he managed to fulfill their wishes. It didn't matter whether it had to be blue or yellow, made of gold or steel. He developed chains that had no weakest link. Perfect.
His crafts seemed to get better and better, as if there was no limit for his perfection.
This drew the attention of a man, an unknown face with lots to offer. No one had the guts to ask where did he come from, nor how had he attained so much wealth. All that was known, was that he had a humongous request for the crafter. As if he had waited years until the blacksmith had reached a desired level of ability.
The blacksmith occupied all his time with the request, he did not accept any other client for a while. Rumor had it that the strange man had asked for some kind of magical chain, or perhaps, a chain so incredible that even the most skillful crafter that ever walked the earth could not craft.
For weeks he disappeared from their eyes. No one had seen him, and rumors started to spread. They started to acknowledge that perhaps, the blacksmith wouldn't work for them anymore. Perhaps, he had died trying to achieve the most brilliant chain ever made.
As it turned out, they almost got it right.
On a rainy night, as insane laughter was heard from afar. It came out of the blacksmith's house. He had, finally, achieved it.
The next day, he was found walking through the city. Insane. Telling stories about suffering and pain, even though he hadn't much more than thirty years, he had gained the appearance of a gloomy old man, deranged by his creation.
The chain of hatred.
Legend has it, that the one who bears this chain around their neck, shall acquire knowledge beyond belief. But it comes with a price, the chain feeds on it's bearer's soul. It transforms his memories, concerning those around him. It grants knowledge, and enemies. The bearer becomes obsessed with vengeance, believing that it's the only way to have their way back at those who did bad things to him in the past.
In the end, the most intelligent men succumb to their urge for revenge, alone, dreaming about killing those around him.
The blacksmith, however, made this special chain, the one and only with a weakest link. It can be broken, somehow...
I like chains, and I wondered about stories involving them. I don't really understand the purpose of this story though, just wrote it. Perhaps it can make sense in a way. But I wanted to tell you that, I do not understand forgivingness. I mean, I understand the basic meaning of it, as most people do. But I don't see how that would work in this very situation.
Some people, are not worth it. If they were, I suppose they would try to show their worth.
The way I see, forgiving in this case would be repeating the mistakes from the past, going after people again and again, even when THEY were the ones who had to come after me.
It looks so easy for them, I say "I forgive you", then they are free. But you can not assure me that I'll be free of it. If I could leave rage behind just by saying those three words, then believe me, I would have already spoken 'em.
But it's not so simple, I wish it was. I admire that you can say such words sincerely and then be free of the bad emotions, but I can not. My memory is far too good and my pain has grown far too much to let me humiliate myself for this.
As I read your words, it made some sense, and I felt like I wanted to forgive her. But I see some holes in your arguments, if I just said the words, they wouldn't be sincere. I could see myself saying "I forgive you because someone told me to, you should be thankful to her". This doesn't look like forgiving with all sincerity. And I don't see how would saying these words take my rage away. To forgive is to say these words? I don't think so, and I am left wondering, what is "to forgive someone"?
I am open to discuss this if you want. But I have to warn you that I am already locked in my thoughts as they are, and I'll hardly accept new ones that look more light-hearted. Still, I'd love to be surprised. Once again, I must ask if you are up for the challenge.
Are you?
He had the ability of creating chains for the most varied uses, from mere acessories to industrial machinery needs. Chains that were as delicate and fragile as the hearts of those who gave them as gifts to their beloved ones, chains that were as thick and tough as the hatred of those who grew into war, imprisoned by their enemies through eternity.
Within time, he got renowned. His prices skyrocketed as his clients' requests raised. Yet, he managed to fulfill their wishes. It didn't matter whether it had to be blue or yellow, made of gold or steel. He developed chains that had no weakest link. Perfect.
His crafts seemed to get better and better, as if there was no limit for his perfection.
This drew the attention of a man, an unknown face with lots to offer. No one had the guts to ask where did he come from, nor how had he attained so much wealth. All that was known, was that he had a humongous request for the crafter. As if he had waited years until the blacksmith had reached a desired level of ability.
The blacksmith occupied all his time with the request, he did not accept any other client for a while. Rumor had it that the strange man had asked for some kind of magical chain, or perhaps, a chain so incredible that even the most skillful crafter that ever walked the earth could not craft.
For weeks he disappeared from their eyes. No one had seen him, and rumors started to spread. They started to acknowledge that perhaps, the blacksmith wouldn't work for them anymore. Perhaps, he had died trying to achieve the most brilliant chain ever made.
As it turned out, they almost got it right.
On a rainy night, as insane laughter was heard from afar. It came out of the blacksmith's house. He had, finally, achieved it.
The next day, he was found walking through the city. Insane. Telling stories about suffering and pain, even though he hadn't much more than thirty years, he had gained the appearance of a gloomy old man, deranged by his creation.
The chain of hatred.
Legend has it, that the one who bears this chain around their neck, shall acquire knowledge beyond belief. But it comes with a price, the chain feeds on it's bearer's soul. It transforms his memories, concerning those around him. It grants knowledge, and enemies. The bearer becomes obsessed with vengeance, believing that it's the only way to have their way back at those who did bad things to him in the past.
In the end, the most intelligent men succumb to their urge for revenge, alone, dreaming about killing those around him.
The blacksmith, however, made this special chain, the one and only with a weakest link. It can be broken, somehow...
I like chains, and I wondered about stories involving them. I don't really understand the purpose of this story though, just wrote it. Perhaps it can make sense in a way. But I wanted to tell you that, I do not understand forgivingness. I mean, I understand the basic meaning of it, as most people do. But I don't see how that would work in this very situation.
Some people, are not worth it. If they were, I suppose they would try to show their worth.
The way I see, forgiving in this case would be repeating the mistakes from the past, going after people again and again, even when THEY were the ones who had to come after me.
It looks so easy for them, I say "I forgive you", then they are free. But you can not assure me that I'll be free of it. If I could leave rage behind just by saying those three words, then believe me, I would have already spoken 'em.
But it's not so simple, I wish it was. I admire that you can say such words sincerely and then be free of the bad emotions, but I can not. My memory is far too good and my pain has grown far too much to let me humiliate myself for this.
As I read your words, it made some sense, and I felt like I wanted to forgive her. But I see some holes in your arguments, if I just said the words, they wouldn't be sincere. I could see myself saying "I forgive you because someone told me to, you should be thankful to her". This doesn't look like forgiving with all sincerity. And I don't see how would saying these words take my rage away. To forgive is to say these words? I don't think so, and I am left wondering, what is "to forgive someone"?
I am open to discuss this if you want. But I have to warn you that I am already locked in my thoughts as they are, and I'll hardly accept new ones that look more light-hearted. Still, I'd love to be surprised. Once again, I must ask if you are up for the challenge.
Are you?
segunda-feira, 8 de agosto de 2011
Temple, day 2
Sabe, sabe, sabe? Eu queria que tivesse mais alguém por ae que pudesse ver isso, mas não tem...
Mas talvez tenha! E eu não posso desistir de procurar, porque senão vai ser tudo em vão. E não PODE ser, não VAI ser. É esquisito, não rolou de ir no templo hoje, acho que isso invalida a aposta por minha parte e portanto eu perco, mas sinto como uma derrota tão massa que parece que ganhei.
No regrets. Faltou pouco pra ficar realmente FODA hoje... dá uma sensação legal chegar tão perto assim, como se... porra, rola mesmo?
Se eu pedir, será que acontece? Eu entendo que eu cobro muita coisa que as pessoas não tem como adivinhar, o que eu queria é que elas fossem malucas como eu, procurar jeitos de ajudar/agradar os outros, mas, bom, não importa. Me is happy.
Por pouco tempo, as ever, mas, é legal. É legal.
É estranho. Eu em parte odeio essa minha fixação escrota em tentar fazer mais e mais por aqueles próximos à mim. Coisas da carência excessiva, mas, isso também será consertado nessas férias. Ainda tenho alguns dias, posso consertar várias coisas ainda, claro não dá pra consertar tudo, nunca dá pra consertar tudo. Mas eu vou me consertar o máximo possível. Vou aprender a ser um ser humano como eles.
É estranho estar entre estar feliz e odiar. Acho que odiar é uma constante, né? Quando se tem memória boa e um comportamento rancoroso/vingativo, é normal...
Não dá pra parar de odiar e pensar que é melhor eu ficar sozinho. Assim como pelos meus resquícios de humanidade não consigo lidar muito com a ideia de estar sempre sozinho. Não falando de amigos, estou aprendendo que nesse quesito não estou sozinho.
Ah hm, queria dizer obrigado por hoje. Mas eu nunca sei direito achar as palavras certas pra expressar o que foi importante pra mim, e sei lá, eu fico com essa sensação de que foi uma coisa simples e as pessoas ficam meio entediadas de eu agradecer ou não entendem ou sei lá. Bom que fique registrado aqui então, aqui não tem problema.
Tenho que segurar minha vontade bizonha de retribuir.
Desespero esquisito que fica sempre à espreita...
All too weird.
Fica a dúvida, devo pedir? Ou não?
Dia 12 chegando, sempre tive um certo receio do meu aniversário chegando... é um dia estranho. Nunca sei o que fazer e sempre quis fazer algo que as pessoas realmente pensassem "porra que foda"... cobrança excessiva I guess.
Não tenho dormido muito, yet I feel so excited.
Acho que vou dormir no pontão na terça.
É estranho mas vez em quando tenho que descarregar, sei lá.
Porque eu sou louco.
Durmam bem aqueles que estiverem indo dormir e eu me importar.
Espero que estejam dormindo bem aqueles que estiverem dormindo e eu me importar.
Dormir, dormir, dormir, parece tão pouco, será que eu consigo?
Mas talvez tenha! E eu não posso desistir de procurar, porque senão vai ser tudo em vão. E não PODE ser, não VAI ser. É esquisito, não rolou de ir no templo hoje, acho que isso invalida a aposta por minha parte e portanto eu perco, mas sinto como uma derrota tão massa que parece que ganhei.
No regrets. Faltou pouco pra ficar realmente FODA hoje... dá uma sensação legal chegar tão perto assim, como se... porra, rola mesmo?
Se eu pedir, será que acontece? Eu entendo que eu cobro muita coisa que as pessoas não tem como adivinhar, o que eu queria é que elas fossem malucas como eu, procurar jeitos de ajudar/agradar os outros, mas, bom, não importa. Me is happy.
Por pouco tempo, as ever, mas, é legal. É legal.
É estranho. Eu em parte odeio essa minha fixação escrota em tentar fazer mais e mais por aqueles próximos à mim. Coisas da carência excessiva, mas, isso também será consertado nessas férias. Ainda tenho alguns dias, posso consertar várias coisas ainda, claro não dá pra consertar tudo, nunca dá pra consertar tudo. Mas eu vou me consertar o máximo possível. Vou aprender a ser um ser humano como eles.
É estranho estar entre estar feliz e odiar. Acho que odiar é uma constante, né? Quando se tem memória boa e um comportamento rancoroso/vingativo, é normal...
Não dá pra parar de odiar e pensar que é melhor eu ficar sozinho. Assim como pelos meus resquícios de humanidade não consigo lidar muito com a ideia de estar sempre sozinho. Não falando de amigos, estou aprendendo que nesse quesito não estou sozinho.
Ah hm, queria dizer obrigado por hoje. Mas eu nunca sei direito achar as palavras certas pra expressar o que foi importante pra mim, e sei lá, eu fico com essa sensação de que foi uma coisa simples e as pessoas ficam meio entediadas de eu agradecer ou não entendem ou sei lá. Bom que fique registrado aqui então, aqui não tem problema.
Tenho que segurar minha vontade bizonha de retribuir.
Desespero esquisito que fica sempre à espreita...
All too weird.
Fica a dúvida, devo pedir? Ou não?
Dia 12 chegando, sempre tive um certo receio do meu aniversário chegando... é um dia estranho. Nunca sei o que fazer e sempre quis fazer algo que as pessoas realmente pensassem "porra que foda"... cobrança excessiva I guess.
Não tenho dormido muito, yet I feel so excited.
Acho que vou dormir no pontão na terça.
É estranho mas vez em quando tenho que descarregar, sei lá.
Porque eu sou louco.
Durmam bem aqueles que estiverem indo dormir e eu me importar.
Espero que estejam dormindo bem aqueles que estiverem dormindo e eu me importar.
Dormir, dormir, dormir, parece tão pouco, será que eu consigo?
domingo, 7 de agosto de 2011
Temple, first day
I feel... strange.
The oscillations of hatred still exist. But I don't know, I think I can consider my walking project finished. I just gotta process all the data I've acquired. First, I've got to sleep I guess. I liked the temple today, it was good. Been extremely excited all day.
But now it's time to sleep. I wonder...
So much data.
Well, there's more temple tomorrow.
I get a bit sad but I won't let that get me. I'll just, sleep, and dream something nice, that's it.
We can end this useless report with a phrase that seemed most powerful today. It can perhaps close the whole project with success.
Not that I'm closing the project anyway, I like to walk and to talk to people so, it's still running, somewhere back there.
"So, who wants to go for a walk?"
Oh yes, the phrase.
"If you want good friends, be a different friend."
I like it.
The oscillations of hatred still exist. But I don't know, I think I can consider my walking project finished. I just gotta process all the data I've acquired. First, I've got to sleep I guess. I liked the temple today, it was good. Been extremely excited all day.
But now it's time to sleep. I wonder...
So much data.
Well, there's more temple tomorrow.
I get a bit sad but I won't let that get me. I'll just, sleep, and dream something nice, that's it.
We can end this useless report with a phrase that seemed most powerful today. It can perhaps close the whole project with success.
Not that I'm closing the project anyway, I like to walk and to talk to people so, it's still running, somewhere back there.
"So, who wants to go for a walk?"
Oh yes, the phrase.
"If you want good friends, be a different friend."
I like it.
sexta-feira, 5 de agosto de 2011
Houyou
—We'll keep on watching over them.
—We will?
We sit at the stairs right in front of the entrance to the temple. The night is a bit cold and the moon shines the darkness away.
—Of course. You can't stop that, never wondered why it didn't matter how angry you got, sooner or later you'd be worrying about them, once again?
—I know, but...
—You'd rather change topics, right?
She smiles.
There's a lot of people running and walking around, the festival is now crowded as I expected it to be. Many things going through my head, but I remain silent instead of speaking.
—It's been a while since you were this happy, right?
—Huh? Happy?
—I mean, happy like these people. Sure, people are different and your happiness comes out in a different way, but you're not happy lately.
—That's no news.
—I know, oh come on, I know how you feel even with all the weird masks and the infinite barriers. We're akin, and you should trust me a lil' bit more. Pleeease?
I like this place, I don't know why. It could be said that a part of me waits a whole year until August comes again, just so I can be there. It gives me a weird sensation that's both good and bad...
—Why should I?
—Oh... because... I can help find that which you've been looking for so eagerly.
—And what is it that I'm looking for?
—Well...
She whispers the words in my ears.
—Ah, and YOU can help me finding that?
—Sure!
—I guess we'll have to work on that later.
—So what now?
I look to the sky. The moon is there. I used to say think that "at least the sky is still there for us". Never had I trully understood what did that phrase really mean, I just wanted to say it as a mean of not feeling alone. I like the fact that she doesn't speak when I'm deeply lost thinking, as if she could understand this.
People running around, looks fun.
We're still there, sitting at the stairs. I turn to face her.
—You're not saying anything?
—Ah, I... no. I was just thinking.
—I see.
We look at the gate ahead. People coming in, people going out...
—Hey, be useful.
I lay my head on her lap. That's what normally has to be said before I do it, she seems a bit surprised. Still, we're there at the stairs, amidst all the chaos of the festival.
—You wanted adrenaline, didn't you?
—What do you mean?
—Well, I know that you always come here waiting for something incredible to happen. But it never does, not even today.
—You can't win them all, right?
—Yeah...
—And it's good already.
Those happy and slow songs... I suppose they call it Bon Odori... that sensation...
Neither good or bad after all I guess. Just different.
—They're gone now, everyone went to the dancing place.
—Huh?
—Nothing, it doesn't matter.
—Even if they were here...
—...We're invisible.
—As expected.
Good to be here.
—We will?
We sit at the stairs right in front of the entrance to the temple. The night is a bit cold and the moon shines the darkness away.
—Of course. You can't stop that, never wondered why it didn't matter how angry you got, sooner or later you'd be worrying about them, once again?
—I know, but...
—You'd rather change topics, right?
She smiles.
There's a lot of people running and walking around, the festival is now crowded as I expected it to be. Many things going through my head, but I remain silent instead of speaking.
—It's been a while since you were this happy, right?
—Huh? Happy?
—I mean, happy like these people. Sure, people are different and your happiness comes out in a different way, but you're not happy lately.
—That's no news.
—I know, oh come on, I know how you feel even with all the weird masks and the infinite barriers. We're akin, and you should trust me a lil' bit more. Pleeease?
I like this place, I don't know why. It could be said that a part of me waits a whole year until August comes again, just so I can be there. It gives me a weird sensation that's both good and bad...
—Why should I?
—Oh... because... I can help find that which you've been looking for so eagerly.
—And what is it that I'm looking for?
—Well...
She whispers the words in my ears.
—Ah, and YOU can help me finding that?
—Sure!
—I guess we'll have to work on that later.
—So what now?
I look to the sky. The moon is there. I used to say think that "at least the sky is still there for us". Never had I trully understood what did that phrase really mean, I just wanted to say it as a mean of not feeling alone. I like the fact that she doesn't speak when I'm deeply lost thinking, as if she could understand this.
People running around, looks fun.
We're still there, sitting at the stairs. I turn to face her.
—You're not saying anything?
—Ah, I... no. I was just thinking.
—I see.
We look at the gate ahead. People coming in, people going out...
—Hey, be useful.
I lay my head on her lap. That's what normally has to be said before I do it, she seems a bit surprised. Still, we're there at the stairs, amidst all the chaos of the festival.
—You wanted adrenaline, didn't you?
—What do you mean?
—Well, I know that you always come here waiting for something incredible to happen. But it never does, not even today.
—You can't win them all, right?
—Yeah...
—And it's good already.
Those happy and slow songs... I suppose they call it Bon Odori... that sensation...
Neither good or bad after all I guess. Just different.
—They're gone now, everyone went to the dancing place.
—Huh?
—Nothing, it doesn't matter.
—Even if they were here...
—...We're invisible.
—As expected.
Good to be here.
quinta-feira, 4 de agosto de 2011
Despair Heights
Hard to breath, huh?
A bit.
...
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?!
...Hm? What? Well, I don't know...
I have this... problem. I get... very... lost, in times of important decisions. I tend give them a hecka lot more importante than I should. Shit. I hate missing.
I'd rant and complain as I'm doing inside my head. But it's worthless. Gotta just trust that things are changing, they are, right?
If there's no fucking right answer, just choose one and dive into darkness. No regrets. No regrets...
I see all these faces screaming. The sounds... sometimes just rapid noises, sometimes whole songs that bring that agony. The despair in their faces. The lack of hope in the air...
I can't do much against being in Despair Heights, albeit hating this place. There's a soft repeating nervously ''You're not alone you're not alone you're not alone...". There's people walking by my side, some give me their hand. I ain't dying in here...
Sometimes I wish there could be someone out there to just stay by my side and pass her hand through my hair while we watch this poorly illuminated night.
I'd rather remain silent to speaking what I want right now. I'm too weak at these times.
I would also like to say that reading thy story makes me calm when I get back to Despair Heights. Through your records I've gotten the information that you like to know you were important to people. Well, consider this as being important to me, even if you don't really know me or know if I actually exist. It isn't such a major importance I guess, but, even if it is just a tiny bit, you helped.
Yet, I speak. Damn.
A bit.
...
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?!
...Hm? What? Well, I don't know...
I have this... problem. I get... very... lost, in times of important decisions. I tend give them a hecka lot more importante than I should. Shit. I hate missing.
I'd rant and complain as I'm doing inside my head. But it's worthless. Gotta just trust that things are changing, they are, right?
If there's no fucking right answer, just choose one and dive into darkness. No regrets. No regrets...
I see all these faces screaming. The sounds... sometimes just rapid noises, sometimes whole songs that bring that agony. The despair in their faces. The lack of hope in the air...
I can't do much against being in Despair Heights, albeit hating this place. There's a soft repeating nervously ''You're not alone you're not alone you're not alone...". There's people walking by my side, some give me their hand. I ain't dying in here...
Sometimes I wish there could be someone out there to just stay by my side and pass her hand through my hair while we watch this poorly illuminated night.
I'd rather remain silent to speaking what I want right now. I'm too weak at these times.
I would also like to say that reading thy story makes me calm when I get back to Despair Heights. Through your records I've gotten the information that you like to know you were important to people. Well, consider this as being important to me, even if you don't really know me or know if I actually exist. It isn't such a major importance I guess, but, even if it is just a tiny bit, you helped.
Yet, I speak. Damn.
quarta-feira, 3 de agosto de 2011
Memory
I like horror movies, and creepy stories... somehow they look so interesting. Or as I normally say, better than the real world. I kinda miss the days when I was scared of them. Good times. Even then, I still like watching these movies nowadays. Specially those with an ambience that inspires dread.
I suppose they are going to be my companions through vacation. I believe they can keep me distracted.
Distracted...
Because recently I remembered why did I choose not to trust anymore. She came back, deep inside I knew she would. But there was that doubt, anyway. I guess it would have been better if she didn't appear ever again.
Fucking liars...
They REALLY think asking for apologies will change anything?! Am I the only one with memory in here? I guess they are really dumb then.
Haha, and she forgot about it, I've never hid this, since we had a deal. I am extremely rancorous, and this ain't passing easily. WHY SHOULD IT ANYWAY?
She lied, she broke the deal. And now she expects to come back saying "I'm sorry"? I'M SORRY?! Haha. My dear, you've gotta bleed first. I want to see your suffering, there's no forgivingness allowed until there's sacrifice. I normally would simply try to look at the other side and accept your invitation. But not this time, I know you bitches want to kill me. But I'll kill you first. Gotta bleed if you want something.
Want to see me? So come and try again, and if I feel you're sad enough, then we can get to an agreement. I know my humongous desire for revenge can take me down instead of you, so I'm not sticking to my egregious desire of seeing you suffer. I accept your request if YOU go for it. I'm not sacrificing myself for this, not anymore. Not worthy. I still want to talk to you, but you have to come after me. If you really want it, then I want to see YOUR effort this time.
But you're predictable.
As many other girls out there. So sad. Whores...
That reminds me why did I choose to stay alone. So, if you really want to see me, try again. I'm craving a chance to bruise you personally.
And to think that I was forgetting such things...
So, I really need distractions. Got something for me to do?
I suppose they are going to be my companions through vacation. I believe they can keep me distracted.
Distracted...
Because recently I remembered why did I choose not to trust anymore. She came back, deep inside I knew she would. But there was that doubt, anyway. I guess it would have been better if she didn't appear ever again.
Fucking liars...
They REALLY think asking for apologies will change anything?! Am I the only one with memory in here? I guess they are really dumb then.
Haha, and she forgot about it, I've never hid this, since we had a deal. I am extremely rancorous, and this ain't passing easily. WHY SHOULD IT ANYWAY?
She lied, she broke the deal. And now she expects to come back saying "I'm sorry"? I'M SORRY?! Haha. My dear, you've gotta bleed first. I want to see your suffering, there's no forgivingness allowed until there's sacrifice. I normally would simply try to look at the other side and accept your invitation. But not this time, I know you bitches want to kill me. But I'll kill you first. Gotta bleed if you want something.
Want to see me? So come and try again, and if I feel you're sad enough, then we can get to an agreement. I know my humongous desire for revenge can take me down instead of you, so I'm not sticking to my egregious desire of seeing you suffer. I accept your request if YOU go for it. I'm not sacrificing myself for this, not anymore. Not worthy. I still want to talk to you, but you have to come after me. If you really want it, then I want to see YOUR effort this time.
But you're predictable.
As many other girls out there. So sad. Whores...
That reminds me why did I choose to stay alone. So, if you really want to see me, try again. I'm craving a chance to bruise you personally.
And to think that I was forgetting such things...
So, I really need distractions. Got something for me to do?
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