At thy request, part 2

Hehehe...
Huh...?
HEE HEE... I know what you did...
Stop giggling like a retard.
Your insults only mean that you know you're guilty...
Guilty?
Yes... but I'm not going to tell him, that is, if you do me a few favors...
Haha, get real.
Don't play the fearless hero now, we all know you're screwed...
You're predictable too.
...What do you mean?
I knew you would come up with this shit. Always smiling in the darkness, trying to see where others may mistake so you can use it against them. But you aren't willing to try something, because you're too afraid of making your own mistakes.
The hell...?
Your sudden change of expression delights me.
Stupid scum, you're dead.
Oh.
DEAD!
...
...
We all are.


So, it took me a little bit longer than what I expected to come up with the rest of your request. I had some unexpected visits, all those creatures that roam around, you are somewhat familiar to the idea I presume. So... well, let's get something to eat, there ain't going to be any story-telling if we both are starving. Sorry for all the trouble, but I warned you about coming here...
I hope you like shrimps and lasagna, that's what we have since... a long time.
...
So... the story. Let's see... look into my eyes once again, and try to keep the good will you've had until now...


"Once upon a time, there was a cat named Cly, he was different, he could fly. But he never did it, he didn't want other to see it. Poor, poor Cly, a cat living a lie..."
—Hm... that's not working...
—But boss, I don't what else to do... that was the last story book.
—It's just bad...
—It doesn't work, I don't know what else can we do to get you some sleep...
Oh, forgive my rude manners, I've forgotten to introduce you accordingly. That's the story of a weird boy, his whole life is weird as you can notice later.
He lives with his fellow comrades in a spaceship, travelling through the skies of this little troubled planet of ours. You might ask why is he living up there when there's so much beauty to see down here, well, all the answers shall come within due time. And if they don't, you can just ask, my child...
Well, our boy in the skies has a serious disease. He cannot live down here, because doing so would end in his death. There's something in his body that drives him to some kind of allergic overreaction to human contact. The reason of such a rare disease is unknown, all we know is that he cannot come close to anyone else for longer than a few minutes.
It probably began when we he was born, during his childhood he always had some signs of it. Strange reactions when close to some people. As time past by, the symptons aggravated. At some point, his body started to overreact at the presence of pretty much everyone else, even those that he liked. If there was some kind of trigger to it, it's unknown to him.
—Defective by design...
That's how he defines himself. That disease drove him into getting that spaceship, which is the topic for another story. As is the creation of those living with him in that ship.
"Creation?", that's what you may have thought. Well, yes, creation. They aren't human, as you would presume, since that would result in death also. For now, I hope you can be satisfied with something as brief as "he found some kind of artifact that allowed him to create things out of his hatred". That's the topic of even another story.
Oh, "hatred?" you seem to ask with these shiny eyes of yours. Well, let's just say that he didn't accept his disease so easily. It's hard to see such a barrier between you and a... normal life, or at least healthy. He hated himself for being different in such a bad way. As if it was somehow his fault for being... what he was.
It took a long time with all those bad thoughts dancing through his mind, for him to realize it wasn't his fault. But then, hatred had already pierced into the deepest of his soul. He turned his target into other people. Perhaps it was their fault. And slowly he created arguments in his head to defend that idea.
So, the creatures. They were created by his hatred, although they aren't gross or scary-looking. They have many forms, some are big, some are small, some are horned, some are shaggy. They try to fulfill all of his wishes. At the moment you came here, one of them tried to read him a story, so as to make him sleep. Yes, he also has problems with sleeping. It's still hard to lay in bed and close the eyes without feeling all those bad emotions. There ain't much to comfort him.
Oh, that's a good question. He can't create a cure for his disease for the artifact can only create things that he has seen. That means, all these creatures, and the fuel for the spaceship. Of course, he hasn't seen only these in his life, sometimes he creates food or some furniture, sometimes movies and books. The cure has to come someway else.
And, he hopes to find it. Sometimes he lands down here. In places where his researches indicate that there can be something to cure him, perhaps a plant or an animal. It's like searching for the light switch in a dark room, with the information that there's a switch somewhere in the walls.
So, I presume you're already familiar enough with the situation. Our boy there is introduced, and we can start with the story of the day his finest landing.
Finest describes it ironically, since he was already tired of not sleeping, and the spaceship faced the sandy ground with great speed. The impact caused severe damages. Some of the crew got injured also. That only made him more impatient...
—Amazing, just amazing... damage report.
—Aye sir, we have... hm... engines damaged and some cracks in the structure throughout the ship...
—Great, what now?
—I would recommend that we didn't depart now. It's easier to repair while we are stopped.
The boy's face was something between anger and downright frustration.
—I'll go and explore the area as planned.
—I don't know if that's recommended, we are going to use all the crew to repair the damages as soon as possible sir.
—Recommended?
He turned to the creature, which looked down as if it had done something to be ashamed of.
—We all... know or your situation... sir...
—You mean, my disease? Don't worry, we mostly don't find humans where we land, thus, dying now doesn't look like as bad as keeping this stupid quest going.
The creature kept on facing the ground, as something trully life changing lied right in front of it. The boy turned away and walked firmly, almost marching.
In his path, a lot of creatures appeared, some running desperatly with tools in their hands, others slowly walking their fellows to somewhere they could be treated. All seemed to avoid looking directly at his eyes, as if that alone could petrify 'em.
After walking a couple of minutes, he came to a huge steel door, it had some dents caused by the impact. He wondered whether it could be damaged to the point of not opening.
"That would be just perfect..."
Lately he had been quite lost in such bad emotions, and curiously, that angered him even more.
"Perhaps..."
He touched the red switch at the side of the door.
"...just perhaps..."
A broken display turned on above the switch, squares numbered from one to ten behind the shattered glass,
"...I can end this today."
He touched the screen choosing the numbers one, two...
"Dying, would be better?"
Zero, eight...
"No... not yet. Losing is a part of the game..."
One, nine...
"...giving up, isn't."
Eight, nine.
"It's all a game anyway."
The door make a hissing noise while opening. It wasn't so damaged after all. He remembered his father telling him to face life as a game, doing so could make things easier.
The environment out there wasn't as hostile as he thought it would be. It wasn't as hot as such a deserted place should be, although there was a lot of sand flying around because of the wind blowing continuously.
"Oh, the butterfly... that was it."
That thought brought him back to his mission. They had researched about a rare species of butterfly that lived in those lands. Literature had reports of it producing some kind of powder from it's belly, that was used to cure an innumerable amount of allergies.
He didn't have much hope in it working anyway, but, he had to try. He tried to escape from thoughts such as "if it works, we can go back to a normal life?" or "can I still live with other humans normally? Am I still able to relate to them?". He had to focus. This was the second time he looked for something small in a hostile environment. The first one took him around twenty hours searching...
But this time, he had completely forgotten to mark his wake. Being lost in thoughts can be quite troublesome, that's why sleeping is important my child. But let's move on.
The boy had been walking for ten hours by now. He didn't care much about being lost, he would deal with it as soon as he found what he was looking for.
"It's going to get dark in a couple of hours... damn."
It wasn't too hot, though. Just a weird desert with some brick roads covered by sand here and there. A few trees (all without their leaves) appearing sporadically.
"Weird place. Very weird..."
Another hour went by. He would feel tired already, wasn't he focused in finding that little flying creature at all costs.
Which, out of thin air, started to show its wings. It was just as the little insect had been invisible in the air all the time. Those vivid wings swinging through the air. So close to him...
"Found ya!"
He ran to it, preparing the glass container for the capture. Strangely, it didn't offer much resistance, as if it wanted to be caught.
"Finally..."
He didn't care much about the easiness of it. He had done it after all, right? He turned back to return to the spaceship, his eyes closing a bit, cheerfully.
—You found it!
He opened his eyes quickly. Right in front of him, was a girl. In order to avoid contact, and also out of pure fright, he fell back. The container bouncing in the brick road.
—W-what happened?!
He could hear her, but he couldn't speak. His mouth was open but there was no sound coming out. His hands struggled to get the container back, his mind deciding whether he would fight her or run away. Those shiny eyes staring at him, with a weird mix of curiosity and happiness. She seemed surprised with his reaction, but there was something in the way she stared at him, and in the way she spoke quickly yet tenderly. Something that made him decide into simply running away.
—Wha...?! Wait!
He made a good distance between them, running as fast as he could toward... anywhere. Finding the spaceship wasn't the top priority now, surviving was. She followed him, her face now showing worry above all else. He felt tired, his body wasn't prepared for that, not after a night awake and so many hours walking in the sands. Yet, he couldn't stop.
But she was coming close.
"I can't stop, I can't stop, I CAN'T STOP..."
He repeated that thought in his head, afraid of the whole situation. His mind ferociously showing him images of the times his body overreacted. The pain...
The pain...
—Got ya!
"Sh..."
She jumped at his back. Both hitting the sandy ground clumsily. He turned around and pushed her away, she rolled in the sand.
—Listen...
—Hey!
—Listen! Why are you following me?!
His words were coming irregularly, he hated to pant, specially on such dangerous situations.
—What...? Hey, you got my butterfly, so I wanted to thank you, that's all!
—Your butterfly?
—Yep! I've been looking for it for days! It's the prettiest around here.
—So, it's not yours. I've been looking for it too, and I've catched it, so it's mine now...
—Why were you looking for it? You don't seem to be from these lands.
—It's none of your business, now please, get away from me!
She came closer, he felt the urge to get up and run again, but his body just didn't respond.
—Why?
—Listen, I have a problem, I can't get more than ten meters close to another human, without having my allergy triggering. So please, I don't wanna hurt you, just, get, away!
She looked at him, dazzled. He wondered what was she thinking. He wondered if that wasn't just a bad dream...
She grabbed his arm.
—W-w-what?! DON'T DO THIS!
—I don't believe you!
—YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME! LET ME GO!
He moved his arm frantically, but she just seemed to hold tighter. When he thought he had gotten free, she used both hands.
—You're not dying!
—MY ALLERGY!
—What?!
—MY EYES ARE GOING SORE SOON, MY SKIN WILL GET FULL OF ITCHES, JUST STOP!
—You stop telling me to stop!
He gave up on flailing. His voice showing despair, she swore he would start crying any soon.
—Why...?! Just let me go...
—Don't say it.
Her voice was still kind, but he couldn't notice it.
—Shit.
—You're not looking that bad.
He closed his eyes and remained in silence.
"Any soon from now..."
—Hey...
She put her hand at his cheek.
—Hey!
Just silence...
—Hey wacko! There's nothing happening to your skin!
More silence.
—Hey!
She seemed a bit sad.
—If you're listening to me, open your eyes, I... I promise to let go off your arm if there's any sign of those things you said. Please? I'll run away as fast as I can, promise!
He opened his eyes in a surprised look.
—How long has it been?!
—What do you mean?
She seemed scared.
—Since you started trying to kill me.
A sudden change to an annoyed face.
—I didn't! — she looked at the watch in her left arm. — I guess... five minutes?
—FIVE MINUTES?!
Back to the scared look.
—Y-yes, I guess so...
It was just as if his head blasted. A billion thoughts disorganized racing in an attempt to prove they were more deserving of coming to mind. Never had he been so close to another human without... coming close to death. A lot of minutes without suffering. Was that the powder effect? How the hell did it work if he barely touched it? Was it the sand? Was he cured out of the blue, after all this time avoiding contact? Was it... because of her?
—Hm... it's getting dark... — she said, looking at the sky.
He was just too lost in the maelstrom that formed inside his head.
—Don't keep so silent, say something!
She looked at him annoyed again.
His hand touched her face. She blushed a bit.
They stood there for quite a while, looking at each other, lost in their surprises. I fail to remember more about this story child. Perhaps, you can continue it if it's of your interest.


Was that enough of a story? I reckon it got a bit long and perhaps too slow at times. I ain't much of a storyteller when I'm requested to tell one. I mostly come up with one randomly while lying to people. Perhaps that's not what you were expecting, but at least I tried, since you've gotten this far.
It's getting late again, past 5 a.m., I hope you can cope with waiting so much. But it's easier to escape from them during these wee hours.
Oh, and please, don't say that I'm lovely again. Even though I'm aware I might be, it irritates me. Was I able to be downright evil at people, I wouldn't have gotten to this place. Things would be better...
It's a bit frustrating. The idea of being good and going down because of it. And not being able to change this, at least not as quickly as I wished to.
Well, I complain a lot. You're probably battling against sleep. Come, you've gotta hide again.


And I hope you sleep well. And when you wake up, rest assured that I'll be alright. And whenever possible, tell me whether that can be considered as a wish fulfilled. If not, I'll wait until you come up with a task for me. Good night.

At thy request, part 1

If I remember correctly, I've told you to get rid of her.
And if I remember correctly, you've given her a challenge, and she succeded!
Just as others have already surprised you at first. She was supposed to get away with it, but she decided to insist, just to fool you, and you're already falling for it.
No, I'm not. She didn't just, pass your test, she blew it away.
You're FALLING, AGAIN. Just fucking get her out of here, don't even need to kill her.
I'm not doing it. You know the rules.
Do not use MY rules against me, they were created to protect you to begin with.
Can't you just...
Give her the benefit of the doubt?! Fine! Do it again, naive boy, and when she fails, you'll come here crying like a baby.
It could be easier if you cooperated...
I am cooperating by not tearing you in half right now.
Great.
I'm serious boy, make her disappear. She is already giving you orders, don't let her take you down.
She ain't giving me orders. If you're angry at the story, remember that we agreed in the retribution thing. They help us, we help them, they are kind, we are kind.
Just make her disappear.
...
Or I'll do it.


Ahem, I know it's late at night, well, it's almost morning. Almost 6 a.m. huh?
But it's safer this time, he won't see you. Don't worry, it's all in the plan. I'm giving you a chance, it's another instance of one of my many contradictions. I should be getting rid of you right now, but maybe, just maybe, the rules are wrong this time. That's the problem, I'm always too good to people when I shouldn't be. But I haven't brought you here to make you obtain my rants about life.
You wanted a dream, right? Well, I didn't have a good dream the day you've said those words, I barely slept in fact. So, I'll be giving you the dream I've had this last night. Well, what I remember of it...
I was in Curitiba, not the first dream I have about that place. There was a big hotel, I don't quite remember what happened in the hotel, I just know that it was quite dark in there, and the receptionist didn't quite like me, nor my friends. About the darkness, it's a constant, not a problem. At some point, I saw my friends at the reception and we agreed in going somewhere. We got out of the reception hall and ran all the way through the stairs. It was me and 2 friends, we entered my room, and talked a bit, over the bed. I feel like we simply jumped through the window and fell at the street. Not sure if that was what really happened. Our floor wasn't close to the ground by any standard, but it was a dream anyway. What followed next was a ludicrous race toward the japanese plaza. And if I'm not mistaken there were people after us (well, that's reasonable right?).
We got to a lake, and got desperate since we had nowhere else to run to. So at some point the girl with me said we should get to the other margin, and we reacted saying that it was easy to talk, but we couldn't swim all that much. To what she replied giving us boats. But we didn't get much far from the margin anyway, and we somehow felt that we weren't able to get to the other margin, since we did not have at least one oar. But she said we had to do it or else... well something bad would happen.
And, miraculously, we just used our hands to oar to the other margin. We then walked a lot, and we were simply lost, and couldn't get back. Still, we felt that we were near the japanese plaza somehow. So, we resorted to the bus, which in the dream was more like a subway on the streets. So, there we were, relaxed.
Until a woman came to get the tickets, and oh well, we didn't have then. We tried to "run calmly" in order to get away without driving too much attention on ourselves. Worked a bit, and the bus was almost stopping. When it stopped, she found us and asked about the tickets.
I said we didn't have them, we just got the bus to help a bit on our walk and we were sorry. Of course, we rammed to the exit door while giving such excuses. The girl got left behind since she didn't know what to do on that situation. So me and my only friend left walked through some plant filled plaza. Which at first we thought that was our desired place, but it wasn't, didn't have any temple. I remember seeing a dark stone church, a weird sight if you ask me. There was also a pub nearby, looked fun. We walked a bit, as lost as ever, until the girl found us, and after that I don't remember much.
Now, I believe you won't be any satisfied with this dream report. For it neither bore much information, nor was it sweet. Let me explain, about the information part, unhappily, that's true, that's all I can remember...
But, about the sweetness of it. It wasn't sweet not even for my standards, BUT, I enjoyed it. A lot. Just like the other dream about that city, there was that feeling of being in a weird and somewhat hostile place. Somehow I feel good with it, I like. Because it's something I have the weapons to fight back, not like those dreams in which you find yourself powerless with not much than minutes to live. There's the adrenaline of being in danger, there's... I don't know, but I like it. Even if the sky is always dark, well, even indoors it's dark, doesn't matter how many lamps you got. That's how it works in my head...
So, that was it about the dream, I've slept good this night, and I've slept a lot also.
Now... I reckon I owe you a story. Let's see. I could tell you the story about the porcupine and butterfly fairy, but that looks like cheating since I didn't make that one up.
Let's see... just look at my eyes and try to see what I see...
Oh no, the sun is coming. We gotta retreat, you need to hide!


Are you up to the challenge of playing the same game I play? Do not care to understand the rules, just play it as I do, and you'll be fine...

At last... some sleep

I am, tired.
But, I've managed to fulfill my duties. "Heroic effort'' all the way...
I've thought about many things today. Most of which are kinda sad and shall come back again later, or sooner, it doesn't matter. But I kinda liked the party tonight, it looked, like the places I didn't feel at home at all, but it was nice and it didn't feel so awkward, like being stranded.
I am made of weird sensations I suppose, like getting adrenaline out of the blue, and going through pure despair out of thin air. But it's not all so sudden and random, there's something deep inside. I'm sure of it.
One thought that I liked today, was that there are people trying to make me summon my hatred, let it free and wreak havoc. They aren't going to use my most powerful triumph for their evil deeds. I shall use it, however I want to use it. They try to piss me off, I know it.
And there's the good people. Well, it's a bit of a contradiction, good people... but, I refer to those who, unconditionally seem to like to talk to me. I always hated the way some people liked me, especially my family. I can't give anything in return, it is not reciprocal. Not that I hate them, they are cool and all but, I just can't show that much... toward them, I DON'T feel it.
These are not new thoughts anyway, I've always felt bad for not feeling in the past, but it's not my fault. It took some time to realize it. But, strangely enough, I like the company of a few special people. Is it too weird? I dunno.
Well, I like company. It's good to have people along, those few special...
That was one of the factors that created this wish of getting my friends together, lighting some bonfire and just staying near it, chatting all night. While I slept somewhere near. Company.
That's what I want for now, it doesn't matter if it's to make me sleep, or to play games, or to watch movies, or walking somewhere, I just wanted company.
For now, that's it, can you join me, whatever you are?


I'm not going to give excuses, all I can say is that your story is in the making. And a dream report, as soon as I dream (probably this night).

Against sleeping

Getting cold in here.
We should light that fireplace and get some sleep.
Yeah, we should.


You look troubled.
...Hm?
I feel you are a bit worried, well, you haven't smiled much lately, and you've been... 15% more quiet!
Haha, 15%?
Yeah, that's how much I have noticed it!
I see...
So, you don't want to speak?
Oh, it's nothing.
Ah... ok... but, you can speak if you want, well, if you feel like speaking, you know? I'll hear.
Don't care about this, it's ok.
I just wanted to assure you of that...


...But you know, I'm really having fun lately!
...What?
I liked these last days, even though it's getting cold out there and we are at danger most of the time and all that stuff. It's been a load of fun to me, so, if you were worried about me, don't worry, I wanted to be here!
Did you?
Sure! Because...
...
...
Hm?
Because we've been together most of the time lately...


I don't want to sleep...................
Is it too much to ask to have a different day tomorrow? Different in a good way, this has to be clear.

Wondering

Do you know what does heroic mean?
Well, aside from "being related to a hero". That would be the obvious stuff, the better stuff to assume as truth I suppose. That's a random topic but now that we have gotten here, we can't just go back.
I remember, well, I don't really remember at which point in the past have I started using the expression "heroic effort". I use it mostly to define moments in which you have to give all you got in order to achieve something (that may be unachievable, the odds are it's all going to be a vain attempt). Those moments in which most would just give up, after all, it's not going to be the end of the world if they give up, they can try again later or whatever.
But we created this... "status". While you're at the "heroic effort", it IS the end of the world. You ARE going to fight your guts out, even if it was actually not necessary, because you can not accept failure. And the worst form of failure is giving up. Even if all the odds stack against you, and there is absolutely no need for trying this very time, nor any motivation that can propel you. Other than your own lunacy, that is.
Hm, guess it's bad. Makes you use a fucking nuclear warhead in order to kill an ant.
Wonder why I spend so much effort on some things.

This is we, part 2

So, this day...
I don't know really why I'm writing this, well, there's mostly no reason for doing so. But we do it anyway. So let's talk about this day.
It was... good, because we were able to wake up early and actually get the feeling of being awake. Whether it was because of needing it or not is out of discussion in here. I'm mostly waking up lately and staying in bed 'til late... no more will to get up. Until this day, that is.
It was... good, because we were able to beat our record at work, 11 hours and 25 minutes, now that's something... I got to play nice games too, well, I'm not the perfect worker...
It was... bad, because I did not manage to do many of the chores I had to do.
It was... good, because I playied poker well tonight, and I got to the 2nd place, and that means profit!
It was... bad, because I feel like I can't fully enjoy the game as long as there's money involved. I keep on thinking I can not fail or else I will be at loss.
It was... good, because I kept on hearing my father and his friend speaking at the table after midnight (when the game was over). I like that, the way the dialog flowed, that is.
It was... bad, because at some time it all came down to staring at a woman in the television and saying stupid things... maybe not stupid, I've gotta, learn how to be more human in this point... but I can't stop feeling that I absolutely can't relate to those around me. I don't understand what's so amazing about staring at a model. Perhaps because I see beauty in a different way (not that I don't care about it, I care about the one that I see, which doesn't look very easy to possess).
It was... as predicted... I held my happiness back, in order to appreciate such a surpringly good surprise, but not to get actually lost in it. Planned. The rest of the day, was just as expected.
I wonder, I wonder...
There are some things I still want to write, perhaps I'll do it tomorrow, perhaps later, I won't sleep much this night...
But that's not the real wondering pain. It's about lying, am I lying? I promise to grant a wish, as long as it's under my reach, and that is quite a long reach since I'll probably just create a way of realizing the wish. In a different way of course, not as normally would be expected to happen. But I'll make it happen, in sure of that. That's good. But then, even though I got so surprised and now I reckon the writer is someone different and can be trusted, even though it looks like I can take down some of the walls I create to protect myself, I don't feel like doing it. I have promised to protect myself, as I'm the only one who will always be there for me... and allowing others to get closer may be a security breach, that has happened before with other people and got me down. I've gotta protect something, from people who I do not want to destroy nor to make disappear. Anyway, such contradictions are getting way too common inside here.
That's not good... that's not good...
But I still carry on with the wish thing. Because I gave my word.
And because I feel like it's the right thing to do. You give me something good, I give you something good.


I wanted to be a machine. They look less malfunctioning.
Or a demon. They look cool in a strange way.
An angel too. They can protect people.
Or a ghost. They do not deal with humans.
Or the sum of all these. Because then I could choose which depending on occasion...
But I'm... this...


I wonder, I wonder... I guess I need to walk by the lake a bit more.

This is we

Looks like we're heading to victory this time sir!
Be wary of such thoughts soldier, you must not let thy enthusiasm fool you. Once blind, it's a thousand times easier to get caught off guard. And still, we have a lot ahead. This war be a long road...
...
What is it that bothers thee?
Can't you... just... relax?
Once relaxed, dead. That's what the world taught me in my lifetime, and that's what I hope to make you understand.
B...
Still... it's a great party out there, what are you doing inside here?
Well sir, I thought...
...I would like to join you?
Well, kinda. It's your victory also.
Oh, I'd rather not let myself face such bliss. Can take the focus of what really is important.
...
I'll tell you a secret, if that reverts this sad face of yours.
What?
I am happy too. But I'm going to celebrate it differently. Because I can't allow me to join you soldiers like this, I've already told you and I ain't changing it, but...
So how are you going to celebrate?
...Calm down, I was getting to it. I'll go and sleep.
Sleeping...?!
My dear, you could not count how many nights I've lost, even if you wanted to. I was worried about you, I had to plan everything, even though we promised to fight to the very last breath, I did not quite get used to the idea of having one of my soldiers dying. But now, I can sleep. For I know you'll be fine. And you deserve to be there, not here, talking to this old soul.
I am, lacking words, sir.
When those times come by, just say what you feel that has to be spoken, or remain silent. Deep inside we all know what has to be said.
Good night, sir!
That's a good start, good party, soldier.


I am astounded. I did not believe that it would actually happen.
Didn't happen before, and I assure you that I've tried. I'm not ashamed to say that I was sure nothing would be done, just as ever. I was sure that you would act as predicted. I've foreseen that you couldn't beat the odds.
I'm not allowing myself to get as happy as I can with such a surprise. But I'd rather let the information see the light of day, somehow. Gotta give 'em credit where it's due, right?
Beating the odds doesn't mean simply doing what you were asked. I could see you doing it, actually, as others before you have already done. It's not hard to do so, the real deal is to put your efforts into it. Saying kind words is easy, making your actions live up to such words, is the real deal. Writing, is easy, writing something that makes me feel there's a soul inside, is the real deal.
I should congratulate thee. But that would be just too common. I'd rather grant you a wish. As long as it's something I can achieve.
Make a wish.

I

I keep my eyes closed. For watching the same sky as everyone else is a burden I do not wish to carry.
I am bored most of the time when I get to be alone.
I feel like my heart is going to explode out of distraught and melancholy.
I hate to feel it beating.
I wonder, I wonder... is there anyone else somewhere facing the sky with their eyes closed? Lying in a public bench thinking and thinking about things that do not change with thinking?
I felt stronger. But to my dismay, it all vanished and we're back to ground zero.
I want my baseball bat.
I know I'm not alone.
I want to believe.
I feel like I'm alone. Left behind by all those who once walked by my side.
I feel like sometimes I take another step into madness. And I can never walk back.
I feel like, that's what I really wanted after all. To abandon sanity and become a foreigner to this world. Perhaps I already am?
I get happy everytime someone says they are there for me.
I get sad right after because I remember it probably isn't true.
I get downright angry because it was a lie.
I get desperate because I don't know when shall I come across one that proves they are there for me, whatever comes next.
I get lost because I'd rather not believe anyone anymore.
I feel like sleeping is becoming something better than being awake.
I cannot trully destroy every tiny bit of hope I have.
I still believe someday I will find she.
I won't hate so much after that.
I doubt so, in fact.
I'll feel better, though.
I get excited because the temple festival is coming. Shall be fun...
I'm tired.


Ich möchte...

Twist

Quero colo.

Sacrifice

Pretty moon yet again. I feel a bit sleepy, it's rare so I really gotta enjoy it.
But uh... you said you were fighting by my side. Even though I am quite numb now, I still remember things. So, I do not... trust people... so... I dare you prove you really are with me in this war. Yawn...
I demand sacrifice...
Yawn... if you really are here to help me, tell me a story, will ya?
It's simple. And also complex. Can you create a story just for the mere purpose of telling me, for... nothing?
Up to you... me be happy sleeping now...


I've had a very good nightmare the last night.

Shiny eyes upon thee

The moon is pretty tonight. It's not full, not as shiny as yesterday or the day before yesterday. But I like it.
Do you like it?
Do you see what I see?
Or at least... did you WANT to see what I see?

Guardian

So... it's time to sleep, boss.
I see.
...
You look different.
What do you mean?
Dunno... just, a bit different, not all that difference.
And what, is a bit different?
You look... happier...?
I don't know, I was never much of a noticer, specially regarding such things. These subtle things regarding... emotions...
I get it.


Why did you accept it so easily?
What?
I know you hate to sleep. It feels, dull and worthless, as if you're wasting precious time.
Exactly...
I can understand some of the things you feel, but, why did you accept to sleep so easily today?
Well, I've got work to do tomorrow...
That's all?
Maybe...
I'll take that as a no.


Good night.
'Night... hey...
Hm...?
...
Something wrong, boss?
Well, I... don't know. I've had some trouble sleeping in the past couple of days... and...
...Yes?
Could you...
...
...If it's not bothersome to you, or... if you're not busy or...
What boss?
...Ahem... could you stay in here for a while...?
Oh... ok...
It's a bit foolish and childish but, for some reason it's easier for me to sleep when there's company...
No problem...
I know it's a bit ridiculous, but, if you stay, well, I don't know, I would appreciate it very much.
You're still getting nervous in such situations.
Well... yeah...
I guess I'll stay for a little longer, you never know what will happen next these days.



It's been a while since I last watched an anime... since Higurashi I guess. Hm... 2 years? Guess so. I can understand why I like it and why I avoid watching. The reasons are connected.
I like it because it's different, not like reality. And I avoid it because I like it, because by being so... ''unreal'', it makes me blind to what is good in the real world. Well, the ones I mostly like to watch at least. Wish there was someone to talk about it, it's weird because I don't want someone that talks about anime all the time, after all I ain't much of a connoisseur in the topic. It doesn't matter much anyway, I'm quite used to not talking about such things since I already expect unsatisfying results.
So, why did I like Omamori Himari? Well, it's a very "by the numbers" show. Predictable, simple, a bit dumb. But I liked Himari, not because of the exaggerated proportions, but because of her... behaviour as a bodyguard. I like it. A lot.
I like to wonder if there's someone out there protecting me without my knowledge. All I know is that something seems to like me since I was always a bit lucky and "protected from evil". I didn't find a better way of saying it, haha.
I wonder... I just wonder...
I guess that's all another extension of the whole "I wish there were people out there playing this world as I play" symdrome...
Well, good night to you, whatever you are.

Bem vindo

Sabe, hoje o dia foi bom.
Eu espero mesmo que dessa vez dê pra consertar alguma coisa. Eu planejei me consertar nessas férias, hora de fazer valer minhas palavras. Marcar psicóloga, chamar pessoas pra andar aleatoriamente ae e conversar, tentar ler mais. As coisas vão surgindo e eu queria acertar, queria mesmo. Mas é tudo muito inexato e não dá pra saber como acertar. Vamos seguir... mesmo que todas as armas estejam apontadas pra gente.
Pelo menos a gente não é covarde como eles, podemos subjulgar o medo.
Eu às vezes me pergunto "por que é sempre mais fácil lidar com o mundo como se ele fosse uma eterna guerra?", bom, eu não sei. Eu sou louco, e inventei uma guerra contra tanta coisa que nem sei por onde começar. Pelo menos qualquer lado que eu me virar sei que vou ter algo pra derrotar.
E se tiver alguém lendo isso, e quiser se juntar ao exército de um homem só contra um inimigo indefinido, sem saber quando acaba nem onde começou, lidando com a loucura diariamente, o convite está feito.
Eu não sei como é daqui pra frente, mas em algum momento, de alguma forma, melhora. E quem estiver lá pra ver, será recompensado.


Bem-vindo à guerra.

Extensions of hatred

–You lied!
She looked at him, her face was between sadness and confusion.
–Of course I did, what's the matter?
She took a moment.
–Why do you lie to me?
–Because... I lie to everybody. I lie to my friends, it's normal.
–Don't lie to me.
Her eyes were now totally focused on his eyes. There was some kind of beautiful sadness in the way she spoke, as if she had put all her heart in them. Those shiny eyes...
His face distorted.
–WHY NOT? Are you special? Why should I fuckin' trust you? Do you deserve the least of my trust? No, you don't. You're just another liar, like all of them. That's how it works, you lie too, I know you just want to bring me down. Just like all the other bitches. Just quit.


They were driving around the city, talking about random things. Both a bit uncomfortable, yet thinking that it was too early to go back home.
–You know, one of the things I appreciate the most... is the idea of being kind to someone who is, you know, ''evil'', but not truly evil. And then that guy, changes... as if I could change him to something good.
He got somewhat surprised. After all, that was one of the things he wished the most to happen.
–Oh, shit.
–What?
I was just thinking, how pathetic that is. That I actually loved that scenario, but I'm not going to be tricked by this. You are not fooling me this time. I don't give a damn if you can be kind, you can go to fucking hell with this shit. Go fool another idiot, make him believe in you, fall for you, and then see that it was all lies.


They had just argued. Perhaps arguing isn't the right term for it, but they had a strange conversation, somewhat harsh at times. He feared he could be starting to feel something else for her, something more, thus, he decided it was the time to cut relations. She got a bit apprehensive during the conversation, after all he didn't say at first what was going on.
–So, goodbye.
–Goodbye.
There was an odd feeling in the air as they said goodbye. No hugs, no nothing, just those cold words. He left her apartment and entered the elevator. As the door started to close, he heard footsteps. A part of him felt somewhat happy, with the hope that it could be she.
Suddenly, the elevator door opened. She was standing there, her face somewhat between sadness and disbelief.
–Come here and say goodbye accordingly!
She pointed to the floor, close to her. She said in a way it seemed she could be smiling, as some people start to laugh uncontrollably when nervous. He got out of the elevator.
His right hand reached her neck.
–You see, that's how I planned it to be at first. I wanted to scare you, but now I just want to have you buried. Like every other whore. Am I doing it accordingly now?


–Perhaps... I could be that girl...
–You?! YOU CAN'T! Because you're a coward, he was right when he told me to get the fuck away from you. I though you could perhaps surprise me, but you're predictable, as all the other bitches!


–Thank you, no one had never said that to me, I was always the second or... the last one...
–Well, fuck it then. I take back my words, you're not that much.


–I just passed here to say that I still worry about you, just wanted to know how are you doing.
–Doing fine, now get the fuck out you liar. And do not come back. I won't be so kind next time.


–I missed this... and I missed playing with your hair while your head laid over my lap...
–Just shut the fuck up and be useful. I haven't came here to hear your stupid voice.


That was perhaps the last time they were going to see each other, in a long time. She asked if perhaps, they could get together next weekend... one real last time. It was against the rules, but he considered it. After all, he also wanted to see her, it felt good...
They were inside his car, she was supposed to get out, but they stood there, in a somewhat sad hug. He started to hear some weak noises. As if...
She was sobbing, in fact, between sobbing and actually crying. Were they in any other occasion, she wouldn't let him see it. A part of him got disarmed, he found it cute but he didn't know what to do. The other part though...
–Haha, you know, you lie pretty damn well. Now get out of the car and go to hell.


–I also made my efforts, you think it was easy for me to sleep over your house? I lied to my mother, and then it started to get late, and she complained. She said it was late, that I shouldn't go, that it was very strange... still, I went there. I waited for you to come.
–Ah shut up. I didn't even fuck you.


They were playing for an hour already. Asking questions to each other. The game was pretty simple, each turn one had to ask a question, any question, and the other had to answer honestly. Things had just changed a bit after start since she started with questions about... them, in some sort of way. He liked her, more than as a friend. The situation was a bit awkward at times, but still it felt good. Until that question.
–Do you think we would work out, together?
He thought for a moment.
–Of course not. You're too afraid of everything to have a real relationship with anyone. It's almost ridiculous. But still, you're pretty, so perhaps you could be useful for some time. How about that?


–I thought that I could change it. I didn't want you to become just another one, like all those guys who do not respect their girlfriends...
–Amazing words. But you fail to live up to them. Why don't you just shut up and do something useful?



You see, we cannot change the past. But we can look at it in a way not to repeat our mistakes in the future.

Wann...?

Ah...
It made more sense when I first thought about it. I wonder why this always happens. I don't know, I'm lacking all this conviction everyone seems to hold.
I can use hatred to disguise it.
I can...
But I can also try to make you sleep, or take your tears away when they take your world away.
Is it true that some people can only workd when they have someone to be by their side?
I can also treat everyone as my enemies and make all the efforts to drive them away from me.
I choose the second one. So when they decide to take me down I won't have to figure out why they did it. Wonder if right now there's something watching over me.


Wann kommen Sie?

A day writing, part 2

HEY!
...What now?!
Uh, nothing.
...
You know, I was thinking about sharing my incredible idea with you!
Oh, really?


...Sharks?
A story about sharks, and sharkletes, and ocean stuff!
Sharkletes...?
Yeah, the sharks that are girls.
Why do I even ask...?


*shark bite scene*


So... you bit my notebook.
Well, I think I already wrote enough for today...

Cuddle

I am going to write about hatred later. Right now I'm more concerned about this feeling. This weird feeling. It's... good, I guess. Although a bit stupid. I can't deny that I feel a lot stupid and clumsy. And it's easier to overcome these sensations thinking that if someone treats me badly I can fucking kill 'em.
I am, weird.
But I just wanted to say that it's easier when you're there, undefined girl.
May we eventually bump into each other someday...
Just wanted to say that before what's coming next. Even though it's nothing new nor can it change your life. Not even very pretty also. But it's better than what's coming next. But I'll make sure that if someday you show up, you won't have to see what lies beneath.


Ah, hm, would it be too much to ask to have you passing your hand through my hair until I sleep? I promise to reward you accordingly...

Extensions of loneliness

Hold tight.
You are getting outta this place alive.


Se eu pedir ajuda mil vezes, alguém vai ouvir?


If they are willing to stay alive, yep.


E se eu pedir pra você vir comigo?


Then we have a problem. Kid, do you know why we hate?


...


Because that's what keeps our hearts beating. That's the way we found to feel alive. You already have enough fuel inside of you, just go out there and start it.


E se eu tiver medo?


Then that means you are facing the possibility of trying something. Being afraid is nothing to be ashamed of, avoiding doing things because of fear is the real shame. And I know you won't avoid, because you are not like those shitty coward humans.


E se eu não conseguir dormir de noite?


Alcohol. That made you sleep once, remember? Just gotta drink more than you can handle, as fast as you can.


Tá...


Go make a killing, kid.

At all costs

This, is the place we have chosen to stay. This, is the place we will defend, until death comes.


May my hatred serve me well. I chose not to have enemies in the past. No real human targets. I've gone the wrong way. It took me a few years to realize it.
I feel alone. Bizarrely alone. Like I could end this whole incoming weekend if I just received a real hug. Just that simple act would make it all worth it. Weird.
I cannot stop it. I guess no one can. The conditions were already set for the hug and it will take a long time to fulfill them all. I am alternating from deep down sadness to an almost pure hatred. Almost, but not yet.
When I was younger I used to think that some people were not supposed to exist, and that I was one of them. I don't know, I'm not deadly, just a bit... wicked. Too coward to actually get to kill someone.
I'll delve into sadness and we'll see what shall emerge.
In parallel to that, I'll start a new project. Let's base it in what the psychologist that does not exist said.
Once or twice a week, I'll invite someone who I do not know very much about, to walk. To talk, walk, ask some questions and such. You see, show some interest in that person's life. I have already chosen a few test subjects. I guess we have ammo for the first two weeks.
So, who wants to go for a walk?

If only...

Mais uma vez, lá estavam eles, sentados à beira de um precipício.


Eu queria entender, de verdade, o que é que se passa na sua cabeça...
Como assim?
Eu não sei, parece que você se força a ficar na miséria, você... podia tanta coisa... mas, está aí...
Quando eu conseguir entender eu te conto.
Haha, você diz isso com um sorriso. É estranho que você alterne tanto seu humor.
Sorrir não significa que eu estou feliz.
Mas por que sorriu então? Por que as vezes você conversa ou simplesmente responde as coisas com um sorriso no rosto?
Às vezes um sorriso pode significar que queríamos estar felizes. Como um pequeno rastro deixado pela esperança que insiste em resistir dentro da gente. Mesmo quando usamos todas as nossas armas para destruí-la de vez.
Não sei se isso faz muito sentido...
Muita coisa não tem feito ultimamente, mas ainda estão aí...
Por que você parece sentir tanta dor?
Porque provavelmente essa é uma dor à qual não estou acostumado, algo com o qual eu ainda não aprendi a lidar direito. Não é segredo pra ninguém que eu me dou muito bem com dor física, mas essa...
Hm... tô fazendo perguntas demais, né?
Pra mim você está apenas conversando comigo. E isso já me basta. É o que eu queria pra pelo menos parar de pensar, um pouco de companhia.
É tudo que você precisa?
Não, mas é um começo.
Hm... por que de todos os lugares você escolheu esse abismo? Tem paisagens muito bonitas por aí... florestas, praias, bosques... todos muito mais bonitos que essa imensidão escura que parece nos observar...
Eu gosto daqui. Não importa quão bonito seja o lugar, se não tem nada nele que nos interessa, será só mais um lugar. E eu me sinto bem aqui, de certa forma. Às vezes eu encaro a escuridão bem lá no fundo, dá uma sensação de vazio. Mas é como se ela estivesse me olhando também... e não faz muito sentido, mas eu me sinto melhor em contato com algo que parece me entender.
Eu queria te entender, é sério!
Eu não duvido disso. Mas já tô um pouco cansado das pessoas em geral.
Ah...
Elas são... previsíveis.
Nem todas.
Praticamente todas.
...
...
Mas, e se...
O que eu queria era alguém que me mostrasse que é diferente, imprevisível. Alguém que não me desse aquela sensação de que eu já vi antes e provavelmente verei de novo... e de novo. Não acho que você entenda qual é a sensação de dizer "eu sei" de verdade. Não como um adolescente rebelde que não quer admitir que errou. Simplesmente como alguém que já tentou pensar em várias possibilidades e se cobra o dia todo e se xinga o dia todo, e briga consigo mesmo o dia todo. Eu sei quando eu erro e eu já briguei comigo mesmo, por isso não dá pra dar muita atenção quando alguém vem me dar bronca. Eu já ouvi isso, não adiantou, por favor, me deixem em paz.
E se...
E se o que? Se você fizesse algo agora que se assemelha a demonstrar carinho por mim?
É... mais ou menos...
Não precisa ficar envergonhada. Não faz diferença. Já fizeram isso antes, não adianta, é previsível que levantem essa possibilidade pra tentar fazer com que eu abaixe a guarda. Mas eu sei que depois quem vai tomar o tiro na cara sou eu. Desista.
Mas...
Mas você não quer desistir? Bom, quer que eu te ajude a desistir?
...
Quer que eu te xingue? Fale a verdade? Pode escolher, vai ser melhor pra nós dois dessa forma.
Eu não sei direito...
Ah, não é pra chorar também.


E então, pela primeira vez em muito tempo, algum som ecoou por aquela região. Um som que não fosse uma simples conversa. Como se o choro daquela garota tivesse algum poder sobre o abismo.


Eu queria mesmo, que você pudesse sair daqui... mas eu não sei... eu não entendo, porque eu não consigo te alcançar, eu queria ser imprevisível e poder te dizer que você não precisa ficar aqui, você não precisa disso. Você pode descansar também, não tem problema, se quiser deitar a cabeça no meu colo, você já lutou por tempo demais, não é vergonhoso parar de vez em quando... eu queria que você pudesse respirar... mas... mas você já deve ter ouvido isso... eu não sei...
Shh... calma. Parece que o abismo gosta de você.

Dizzy

You know, I have once heard of a girl waiting to be saved, she was drawing irregular lines, I don't remember whether she used a pencil or a pen. She just rapidly created lines, guided by her heartbeats. She waited for the boy who could be her angel and give her a reason to live, instead of desperately scribbling that paper. And he watched her, for hours. Until she got up and went straight to him, asking to be saved.
I liked that story, I've resumed it horrendously but, writing about it just came to my mind. It came because of another story, about a girl in a café, waiting for the day the waiter would ask if he could join her. That girl with two cups of coffee in her table, patiently watching him. And the final words, considering the story ends when the one who tells it stops telling, "thought you would never ask". I have those words in my head, always liked this phrase. You can also figure what happened at the café story, and I believe it didn't end like that, just because nothing else was told.
It's pretty, isn't it?
Makes me wonder about all those... ''phantasies" I've created. About those moments when life meets the movies. What I used to call them "magic", but the term was long buried and now speaking about it brings death penalty. "Magic" does not exist, it's all about how long can you be fooled.
I have a vast arsenal of moments in my head. They hurt like hell.
I wasn't actually going to write this, my head was mostly focused on my hatred toward such relationships and all these lies. But, I thought someone wouldn't like to read it, or, at least, that it wouldn't be fair to ruin such a pretty story with my scars.
The truth is that I really wanted those moments to be real, really really. But I just don't feel like believing in someone like that anymore. It could be called the infamous "fear-of-being-hurt". Who cares...
It's a fucking war out there, and we've already chosen our weapons...


I feel a bit dizzy. Can I stay in here for a while?
Sure!
Thank you... I'm not ready to go out there...
...And I'm not ready to say goodbye...


If only it was true.

Holding hands in hell, part 2

I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! SCUM! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
You know, I used to be afraid of you.
OH REALLY?! THEN COME HERE, I'LL TEAR YOU DOWN!
I thought you were evil.
STOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT!
You stop it first, come kill me then. If you really want to do it.
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!


WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE?!
Because each hit you land me is weaker. You can keep on bashing me. At first it really hurt, you noticed it. And I noticed something in you got scared. Even though your eyes are red and your face and words are gross now...
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
...even though you've given up yourself and embraced hatred, I knew that there was still something good in you!
SHUT UP!!!!!
I can almost feel your tears as you hit me. I know it hurts you too. You don't need to do this!
YOU...


Looks like things were converging for this moment. I feel somewhat wrecked now, it's strange how we think differently about things when they're spoken by others. I feel tired of raging again and again... it's not like my normal hatred, it's aimless...
While I can't discharge it anywhere, it will explode at me.
I'm tired, and the day just started...
I'm afraid of never being able to achieve happiness. Because I feel like I can't really relate to people, as if they were different, distant.
But.
That doesn't mean I can deny the efforts of those around me. Even though they can't be what I expected friends would be, I can't deny they are at least trying.
This is not new though. As always, a cycle is just repeating itself. Happened before, may happen later. The changes weren't enough, but that's not how it ends. It can't be.
But I admit now, this is the time I need most company. Even though I'll deny it later, and get back to rage status. Perhaps that's a way of choosing, setting who is good company and who isn't. Those who persist shall be rewarded. I can assure them of that, because I know I can be good when I want to.
Seems like a part of me feels horrible when I say these words.
Just hold my hand until nightmare is over.
Someone, anyone. Please, help.

Defenses down

Some days we wake up a little more calm. It's strange to feel calm. Feels like we are vulnerable to anything the world can throw at us.
I feel a bit weird, like a child walking through a dark alley, wondering if I can find a shelter at the other side. In fact I wish for it. It feels strange sometimes to have so many characters in my head. But I assume everyone has many "selfs" dwelling in theirs heads, each representing a specific characteristic of the person.
I feel like there's a part of me that is missing. But I can't ask for help because I feel a bit stupid when I do. It isn't really this hard to ask "Can you help me find it?", is it?
I guess it isn't. But, would it be hard for someone to answer that?
Who knows...
Let's just walk around the city, perhaps something new can happen. We should just not give up, never.