Day -2
I was very surprised to hear from you. Well, it's not like we've been that distant, but I miss those old days...
It was fun trying to remember the setlist, trying to play fair and all, and admitting I don't remember everything. I always thought not remembering every detail might mean it didn't mark you, as to diminish the event's importance. Or maybe I just couldn't let go of the impression you all had of me, that I had a super memory. Dunno, it was fun though.
The second setlist came with another surprise, not because of time, but rather due to the things we speak and the distance we feel albeit being close.
I might say it sometime in the future since I don't believe you'd read it here. I still feel guilty for all the things I said while drunk that day, and the jokes I fired unto you. As much as many of them were justified, I guess some space to defend yourself is long due.
I'm glad we had that October 17th, even though it was years and years ago. Coming to think of it, maybe the reckless joking also came from the fact I couldn't accept the fact our roads doesn't cross so much, in the way it did back on that October.
I try to play along, but it's hard.
I'd rather just rush through challenges instead of pretending I'm unaware something is going on. But I guess that's life..
Still, it was fun doing exercises. I really like it, and for some reason it goess much smoother when you people are around.
Throws me back to the gym days of years before, when we'd work out at the same gym sometimes. I felt envious of how fast you seemed to progress. Never really liked how damn weak I felt.
On to meditating, well, that's complicated. My thoughts race against the clock. And once I focus on something, be it silence or chaos, I am quite upset on coming back. I guess I made some soft of advance though. The arms did get a bit numb.
Day -1
I wonder what the fuck is this all about. Feels a bit ridiculous and beyond the limits to go through such trial.
Well, it might be fun...
But people also don't play along with anything we come up with, so why should we?
I guess, because that gives us a reason to meet them?
I don't know... I'll do it, okay...
It's a funny song, at least.
I really wish one day I can enjoy things without worrying so much, as you do, dude.
I got really worried because I didn't get there on time and I didn't find you. Although I felt like quitting, and that the rewards might not justify it all, I didn't like the idea of not acing a challenge.
This challenge was a bit more extreme due to the previous day, but it felt good knowing I can still play Pump alright. But the time chatting at the mall was the best part.
Don't worry about me being childish, I know I ain't one to fare well with kids, and your focus now is on raising yours. I believe you are doing very well at it.
Day 0
I was wondering, what if all this means we're getting something big? Like a videogame at the end. A Switch, you know?
I'd warn you against such expectatives. They might blind you from enjoying what you're truly given.
I know I shouldn't but... WHAT IF... all the challenges, the disconnected messages?
Quit it.
Alright, alright... let's just head to her house...
I wonder how can people relax with origami. I get real nervous while at it, the imperfections drive me mad. Folds upon folds, not reaching upon the distances they should, asymmetry...
You seem so much more calm, concentrated. Mature.
Nonetheless, it was fun. Particularly seeing the results and working together on the sushis.
Ah, playing the game.
I've been listening to the soundtrack for months.
But being challenged by a game, I had partly forgotten that feeling.
All the blasts from the past that came unto me.
I couldn't control the thought of finally beating event 51 with Marth while speaking with friends back on that day. It's been way over a decade since that day, but it was hella' fun, and I didn't fully notice what had just happened for I've been playing on auto while chatting. No hit-and-run, nor any other easy measures, that was fun.
Maybe fun ain't the word for that moment, but rather, liberating.
I wasn't ready for the trivia.
I really wish I had gotten all that by memory, guess my memory ain't that good anymore...
Can't really put it in words how much I appreciated going to Japan with you. Not that other travels weren't fun, but that country always had something. Or maybe I had something. Never quite got it, the strange sensation that befalls everytime I think about those small apartments we see on shows, the streets,...
Maybe one day I'll have enough money to take everyone there. That's one of the thoughts that keep these wheels moving. It is quite stupid I guess but, better to keep moving.
I can't quite tell how many times I had to hold the tears.
Man, I really really didn't want to leave that place. It's been so long since we last got everyone together. Well, we might not have everyone here, right now. But we have almost everyone and that counts the same for me. I know we are adults now, I hate that, but I guess I accept it.
But this day, this very day. It is special, in a way I can't really seem to describe.
I guess I could cry.
But you know I can't do it in front of you, even if it means taking the focus somewhere else or making stupid jokes. I don't feel very comfortable with it. Have a hard time understanding that sometimes we cry out of sheer happiness, and I ain't allowing this moment to have a bare glimpse of sadness. If I gotta be the relentless jester, so be it.
It really felt like it was worth it.
Day 1
So. The day came. I can't recall when did I start to dread my birthday, I just do it for the last bunch of years.
Perhaps, expectatives?
I expected parties that would blow up our heads, crazy moments that would accompany us for a lifetime,... I don't even know, deep down I expected something like the stuff you see in movies I guess.
It felt a bit harder to play along, got a bit tired due to bad sleep, and I still had the feeling of being so happy the night before. I wanted it back.
Can't deny it was surprising to see the triforce, however.
Hence forth came the gift.
I was a bit sad because I knew I'd feel betrayed by my expectations upon receiving it.
Fortunately, something happened.
I had to hold the tears yet again upon checking all the parts. The sheer effort put into all of it moved something in me. What exactly is a bit beyond my knowledge.
But there was that feeling of accomplishing something. The one that lacked every single time I tried moving people somewhere else, uniting under a common objective, surprising them...
Maybe, it was all worth it?
Day 2
You know what really gets to me? The fact that no matter what we do, we are never up to your standards. Don't you think these thresholds are too far from reach? If we dedicate ourselves to our friends, you're upset due to our lack of efforts into work. If we work, you worry about losing touch with your friends.
And you're confused. Because you don't know if keeping touch is really that important or is that yet another thing people say you should feel. And I know you're tired of trying to fit in, trying to do what they say people should do.
But these last days might have proven a point amidst that mess.
I just really wish I was worthy of it.
If I could just make all I felt I should.
Day 3
I wonder if we should post it.
Are you afraid of the consequences?
Well yeah, it seems... something between pedantic and... I don't know the exact word for being a showoff in social media, boasting that perfect life others should be envious of.
If you focus on the unreal daily life that can be seen there, then yeah. But there's a lot of regulars that post good vibe stuff seldomly, as life is. Moreover, shared moments multiply when they are good. It can bring a smile to one's face. As sad moments are fractioned once shared, for there's yet another heart enduring it.
Still feels weird sharing it, whom shall we be sharing with, if the ones that might feel a thing are already aware of what happened?
You?
I already know the events.
For sure you do know. Now. But what about next year? 5 years ahead? Heck, what about a few months from now, in case you are faced with harsh difficulties that may arise? We tend to forget good things on the past when struggling against the present, you know that quite well.
Reassurance is gold.
So why not share it with myself by keeping things?
Oh, come on.
Imagine those would be some happy bits.
I know, it's fiction. But it's better to use technology to keep good things for later than the opposite.
You know that. You've known that for quite a long time.
I decided to put it unto words following some sort of order. I couldn't write the beautiful text you all deserved, ain't got the right words for that.
To wrap it up, I guess it just has to be said that I'm still here albeit all the shortcomings.
Not sure why, well, actually I know but it's weird to say I appreciate that our paths crossed. And I'll make sure to intervene whenever it feels right, as long as you let me.
There's a thought that I've had some years ago, during one of the long-lasting debates I have when I'm too quiet. It's one of those rare moments in which I find a phrase that feels powerful enough for me in portuguese.
