A brainstorm of condensed illusions

The question is why are you so interested in the people that are lost.
Why?

I don't know. We can only wonder...

That's why help is so close to hell.

Three wars

On a first step, and therefore not actually related in much depth with what comes next, I'd like to say to lady N that the thanking message I've sent her was due to a realization. I've realized that she had, some days ago, done a very nice thing indeed. I thank her due to acting like what I hoped someone would act, but unfortunatelly, I'm blind by my dreams and obsessions, so I refused her offer. I hope I did not answer as rude as I thought I had sound. Anyway, I'd like to thank. That was pretty awesome.

Now, to the depths of our imaginary wars...

"I don't know man, I don't like the fact that she is pretty."
"But. She. Is. INSANELY PRETTY!''
"I don't want a pretty girl, I wanted an artist."
"Who cares?! She's pretty!"
"You just don't get it, do you? I don't want more trouble. She seems to be trouble, I know I might me misjudging her, but I just don't like the fact that she's so pretty."
...
"As I don't like this intimacy this one other girl seems to be trying to have."
"Just do her."

Obviously, this was pretty much hacked from the original conversation. I just wanted to get to some important points of all this mess. Let's analyze.
Yep, that's me bitching about my whole coward mode or whatever it may be called.
Then, we have Mr. Bew's incredible argument, which is okay, that's something I'd expect him to say. It just sound silly happy, as he is.
I insist on my sissiness. Well, I guess that's about all there's to be said.
Rejection of my argument, entrance of brilliant argument.
My weak try of making sense of a thing that makes sense inside my head. Well, it seems to have a bit of sense but that's not the point now I guess.
Then we have an incredible time deslocation, that didn't actually happen to be much time, it was just one or two topics later in the conversation.
Well, you know what this one is. Well, not the actual details but what the whole argument tries to enforce.
THIS.
His argument.
Which is not actually his.
Just a stupid order. As if that was all that actually mattered anyway.
Well, that's not a new argument for anyone. And you might even have heard it today. It just gets a bit of comical. Had it came from some other guys I know, I wouldn't even care. But coming from him. That was a surprise.
Although it can be understood. The main reason of it all is that, a tiny bit of him tries to be... let's say, bad. As if being that would actually get him the girl he likes or at least make the pain go away.
Most of you may say it's stupid. And in part it might be. As pain is a part of growing up, and he should take it. But I'm trying to think on something more here.
Because, honestly, I find it grotesque to see him using this kind of argument in a manner that's not 100% comical. That's not him, but that's what he tries to become in order to avoid damage.
He won't actually go through all the journey of changing his mind, but there are some out there who may.
That's prety, weird I guess.
Pretty sad.
As much as it seems to be just gibberish, I think there's something wrong in there.
This ''gotta be bad'' thing comes from somewhere. And it's not very hard to see that being a ''Mr. Nice Guy'' can take you fucking down. But I guess the whole of it is wrong, blaming one or another won't be of much help.

Devils we become...

The second one.
Mostly mental, it came out of mostly observation. Woo, I'm such an observer...
Let's say we have this woman who plays poker with everyone, she's married to this one guy, and this information was pretty useless but let's try to get somewhere.
Just follow me, okay?
So, she's very pretty, and hm, let's say, well endowed. So, she plays normally, and no problem with that. But you can see she gets a bit more of attention.
Her husband gets a bit a jealous, which I guess is quite comprehensible, but only once there was an incident, which didn't get any critical anyway. So, after they leave, we have these men talking about her, in that way I guess men are supposed to talk about very attractive women. Which is ridiculous, but that's not the point.
So, in the middle of the game, I got to the realization that it gets to be kinda bad to be an attractive woman. Sure, there are many other scenarios you should take in mind in order to make such a declaration.
But it just bothers me to think that perhaps they (the couple) don't come much to play because they don't feel as comfortable as everyone else, since there's the staring, and the extra attention and all that crap.
Which brings me to think of a lot of problematic scenarios that could come out of this.
I don't know if the thing that strikes me is compassion or just feeling pity. But it makes me think if that's the reason why I don't feel very comfortable in thinking about these women in regards to sex. Weird. Don't get me wrong, I really find them attractive. But I don't know. That brings back the case of Angie Varona, although I do find her attractive, something just feels wrong. But I guess nowadays everything is going just fine for her.
Is it... a feeling of defending them?
Defending from what...?

What the hell am I?

The third and older and weirder and stupider.
The idealization of a relationship that seems to come out of movies and the consequent blindness to pretty much everything that does not seem to help on achieving it.
As if... it could be achieved.
As if... I actually sought it.
Sum it with an awkward need to evade pretty much every possibility to achieve it, under the name of avoiding damage and/or judging the other part as not able to play the role it should play.
We can make things so complex...
We can make happiness complex. And then, it's dead.
This got bigger. We have grudges, envious behavior and Rias.
It's funny how virtual characters can play such roles. And Rias is nifty in being perfect to fit the role. It's actually quite good to train imagination in the creation of a company that could be there, had it been able to exist. There's no price for dreaming, is there?
And, it's pretty much ridiculous to judge from such a high standard. And to require others to be so good when you actually aren't that good. But I haven't found another way yet.
Sure, ''stop this over demanding behavior'', that's easy to say. But I just don't feel I can suffice for the real world relationship.

Either way, we lose.

Às vezes

Às vezes parece que dá certo.
O caminho tá ali, basta você seguir, é você e só você.
É assim que eu gosto, não depender dos outros é fantástico.
Às vezes...
Às vezes eu não sei direito.
Daí eu erro.
Às vezes eu caio.
Daí me perco e tenho que remontar todo meu castelo de cartas.
Às vezes eu me pergunto.
Por que foi que eu me dei o ás de espadas?
Às vezes, a pergunta parece fazer sentido...

É um voto de confiança.

Você não passa de um cinco de ouros ou copas.
Mas às vezes, você é o ás de espadas.

Às vezes eu me pergunto se isso vale a pena.
Nada parece valer muito quando você olha friamente.
Às vezes eu sou mais frio do que devia ser...
E vejo que não consigo mais ver.
Às vezes até me esqueço que tenho amigos ao meu lado.
Não é culpa deles, é que...
Às vezes eu quero mais do que o mundo simplesmente pode dar.
Daí eu crio um mundo só meu, só eu posso vê-lo.
Às vezes ele requer que eu me separe do mundo real.
E eu vejo que vou ficando distante.
Às vezes acho que eu sou lunático.
Mais do que o normal, no caso.
Às vezes eu volto pro mundo real e vejo as pessoas felizes.
Fico feliz por elas, mas...
Às vezes dói.
E aí eu uso toda essa inveja pra criar alguma coisa que seja só minha.
Às vezes eu paro pra pensar...
Sobre isso, claro.
Às vezes eu vejo que nunca vou sair desse ciclo.
E aí quero destruir todos que estiverem ao redor.
Mas, às vezes, dá certo.
E eu posso ver seu sorriso.

Às vezes, eu sorrio.

Ghosts

Hayz...
Hey there, kid.
It's late...
I know, I know, come here.
Why are you awake?
Well, sometimes, we just have to be.
Why?
I don't know, but we can't sleep. So, we can just believe that there was a reason we should have been awake for a longer period.
But... what if you just couldn't sleep and that's all?
Well, that's an option. Remember, it could be anything. But we can choose an option that makes us less desperate, can't we?
Desperate? Are you desperate?
Haha, sometimes yes, sometimes not that much...
You shouldn't be! We have... we have these chocolate bars and, and... many many things!
I wish there was a way to express how cute that is, haha.
What?!
When you speak those things.
But I'm serious!
There's a problem with us, ''grown'' people. We, seem to lose the power to feel such simple things suffice.
But then... what would make you happy? I thought everyone got happy eating the chocolate bars!
You know what scares the f... out of me?
Huh?
I don't know what makes me happy anymore.
Liar! Everyone knows!
...
Everyone! You know, deep inside of you, there's something that would make you happy! You know there is, you can try to deny, but you know! And denying just makes you sadder! Because, because... you waste time you could be using to achieve what you want!
And... what do I want?
You... want... hm... pizza? There has been a shortage of pizza on this location, but... but... I'm sure we can get ahold of some soon! We just gotta keep travelling!
Pizza? Do you really think pizza is what would make me happy?
Why not? It's good! And I remember once seeing you happy eating pizza. Don't tell me you were pretending, 'cause I know you weren't!
How is it that you know I wasn't pretending?
Well, it's... it's... obvious... right?
Not very much, how?
Ahn... you, laughed, and seemed to have that dumb smile on your face when you were just looking anywhere, you know, like, very very goofy.
Is that the definition of happiness? I mean, is that all?
Well, a bit, you know, sometimes people are smiling outside but inside they are sad... but, we can feel there's something wrong. You didn't seem to be hiding, I guess...
You guess?
I don't know... thinking about it, maybe you were, and I thought that because I was happy, everyone could also be and it was a good moment, and we were all laughing and talking...
I see.
...So you weren't happy at all?! I just thought that... we all were...
Come here.
...I thought, I thought...
Don't cry, it's okay.
...But, but, I didn't want to be selfish!
You weren't, don't worry.
...
...
...If, if we get... no! As soon as we get to a bigger city, I, I promise! We can get whatever it is that will make you happy! And then, then we are going to fix you! And you will be laughing and it will be true! Then...
...
...Then you won't have to be awake at these hours! And you will sleep and have good dreams! I promise!
Thanks, but don't worry about it, 'kay? It's fine.
IT'S NOT FINE! YOU SHOULD ENJOY AS MUCH AS EVERYONE! YOU ALWAYS STAY THERE, AWAKE, WATCHING OUT FOR US, AND YOU HELP US WHEN WE GET SAD! BUT... BUT YOU ALWAYS HOLD ON WHAT YOU FEEL AND THAT'S UNFAIR!
...
You shouldn't do that! That's bad! And... and it's unfair to us! We want to be helpful too! Stop doing this!
It's okay...
STOP!
I don't know what to say...
Then... then... just say, what you want us to get! Let me help you, at least!
You can't. Sometimes we are trapped in things we can't get outside. Sometimes what we want becomes a deadlock.
Liar! You just... deny what you want! That's what you're doing!
I'm not denying.
By saying it's out of your reach, you're just giving up, because that's the easier way, right?! That's just as denying! And I know it can't be something bad, so you don't have to fight against it!
And how... is it... that you know that it's not something bad?
Because I know you!
That's pretty much the same argument you used before, and you know what happened when you thought deeper about it.
NO!
...What?
This is different.
As in...?
As in, I may not know what goes through people's heads. I might be taken away by my emotions and that can blur things, so if I see people smiling when I feel happy, I can be taken to believe everyone else is happy too. I can be taken by pretty much anything, you know it. Maybe because I think the world would be a much better place if people could just be happy with some simple things. I know, they aren't, but I don't know. You all keep on holding your thoughts and I, I can't read minds, you know?!
...So?
But! There's one thing, ONE THING I KNOW. I might not understand emotions as deep as you all do, but I can understand actions! And I know you aren't a bad person!
No one's a bad person for you...
...Because I remember all the times you stood there for us, and there was something in you. I don't know how to explain it, I just know there was. You see, even when you got angry because we were just slowing you on your way, you stood there. You never ran away and left us to die. Even though you could. After all, you don't really need us to achieve whatever it is that you want. You're more powerful than us all, like... like... you know, someone whose power is much beyond everyone else!
Haha.
It's true! And you never rant about anything, you just stay there awake, even when there's no need. And in the morning you just wake us up and get everyone ready to continue going on our way. And... and...
I already got it. But remember, that's just your happy-go-lucky way.
But...
It's okay.
This is unfair! Why you don't listen to me? You always keep on looking at me with that serious face that's not so serious but... and then... then you come with these arguments that are ridiculously shorter than mine and...
And I win?
...
...
Is it really a winning scenario?


It's not anyone's fault. It's ridiculous that I ask for help when I don't feel like anyone's help will suffice. It's ridiculous that I hope people will just come on their own to help, they can't read minds, they have their troubles to deal with.
Just another night not being able to sleep.
At least... this time I got to sleep early. About 9 p.m. That's quite early! Even though I woke up at around 11 p.m., I guess it can be considered worth a try.
It just bothers me that... the dream was there. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like many things that I don't feel are worthy of talking about. That's crappy.
I know this is a stupid question but, I guess sometimes we just have to be stupid.
When will I stop feeling like having a girlfriend would be nice?


Thanks for the chat kid. I guess I can sleep a bit for now.

Claim

Om nom nom...
Soul sleeping. They said body wants to sleep just as much. Both running away. But if they get together I guess we lose.
I guess I'm tired... shit.
That's what I've been saying mostly. Feeling so tired. Anyway, you've made your way to get here, so... let me tell you a story. Let's see...

Once upon a time, there was...

You know what? Fuck this shit. The first one to bring me Rias, gets a whooping prize.

Ganondorf's castle. More than a decade later.

Sabe, não, não sabe.
E não vai saber mesmo se eu disser.
Mas a verdade é que eu sou bobo, como uma criança perdida que vai se maravilhando com as coisas que surgem e logo em breve não quer mais saber, não é novo.
Mas às vezes. Só às vezes.
Eu me lembro de como é me sentir bem. De jogar e de estar com vocês, e por que não? Jogar com vocês.
Acho que meu maior medo de verdade é um dia realmente ficar sozinho.

Ain't happening.
That ain't happening sir.
Victory sometimes depends on failure. It needs failure.
We? We failed like no tomorrow.
Maybe we fail again. And again, and for another year.
Because fate can't accept to lose so much, so now it's putting all its guns at our faces, and fate is a trigger-happy motherfucker.
It's afraid, because, it's known boss. Give us only one chance. One victory, and we enter on a perfect streak again.

Bring it on, motherfucker.

Tales of Symphonia

Eu. Sinto. Saudade.

My massacre

This post was supposed to be written in portuguese. Under the title of "Meu massacre'', which were the words that jumped out on the imagination of it all.

When it was simple.
And complex.
But utterly simple.

You see when threads of ice run above us all, and we still can see the stars. I sometimes like to around just to see who there lies.
As if.
Just as if.

Let me tell you a simple story.
About what has already been told. The two undisputed finishers, created on one. One, who seems to lose all for he has everything. Holding his hatred in order to protect all. Destroying order to unleash rage on the wicked.
Who's the wicked?
The better question is... who isn't?

I can almost feel your touch. It's funny isn't it? It's dull.
I'm back to the original creation of not so long ago, which is not veeeery likely to be something I can say ''I'm back to...'' since it's not that old. But, if there is someone in the crowd who actually cares, I beg of you, react.
We can improve.
Still. Let's hold on to the topic. Let's hold hands, that's better.
Isn't it hilarious that I mostly think of stupid things instead of sex? I know, it's a problem. I don't fully understand. What, where or how. Nothing. We have nothing.
Yet, I can see you, I can feel your touch. I can create all the possible possibilities. Want to play Ocarina of Time in co-op mode? We could just play together, each on a game, finding out, working together, to finish it. We would have double the firepower! Two searching, fighting, solving puzzles. Helping each other, as it should be.
It should be, right?
Fuck it. It should be and that's about it.
I need to choose paths.
And this is thy path. The path of my ludicrous deranged imagination, the path where I can walk with someone who stays there by my side. One who comforts me.
Remember?
I can feel your hug when the world seems to crack. I can hear your laughter when we do something stupid, I can just look at your eyes when you seem so lost in thoughts, gosh, they're pretty. I can... that's a thing I think about not very much time. We never can all things. But then when you're there, abilities are possibilities. I like it.
Can we just lie down together when I'm not getting any sleep? I hope it doesn't sound so freakish to say that I would just appreciate watching you sleep. But it's funny, it never does. You're always there, even when harsh times come and perhaps we get a bit out of sync. Or we just freak out at each other. It happens. Shit happens.
I go imagining those stupid things, I go on imagining you by my side. And I know someday I will be the one by your side, when you feel like all the world has already left, I'll be there.
Not only because that's what would be fair, but because it would be you.
And it would be worth a lot.
I like it when you play with my hair.
And it's nice that you don't bother so much if I'm so bizarre. I know, we all are, but I'm still working on it. I always thought it was something broken in me, the fact that I don't care whether this or that girl is super hot. While everyone seems to melt in horniness and all that crap.
You see, that's it: you see.

What are those eyes, never closing. And if hatred is all that's left, and if their will is already gone.
Days. Long. Gone.
It hurts to think. Of all the things I should have done. I should have done? Why?
There's no real reason. I just, would like to be the friend you all deserved.
The son you deserved.
The student you deserved.
The man they deserved.
The question that comes with a brutal glass crashing noise. Do they deserve?
As the veins that once served the one and only purpose of feeding the thousand sufferings appear... that's all.
The question is all.
And then, they are nothing.
They never deserved.
We have to punish them.

Iron. I like it. You make loads of things of it. It's useful.
Are we useful? I feel like we haven't been iron for a long time now.
Will we ever be iron?
Iron is only useful for those who see some utility in it.
Purposes...

I like how your hair moves when the wind blows.
I feel weird. And it's stupid because it's not all as it was before when it wasn't.
But then you hug me and I stay without any action.
Or, perhaps, (and I know you didn't see it coming!) that's my action. That's my entire plan just unveiling silently at your arms. Hah.
I just wanted to be hugged. And stay there. And if you don't want to see what have the chain of hatred prepared as plan B, just keep your position.
You hug, I am hugged. Until next orders are prepared.
Aye.

Do you know the levels of dawn?
Do I know something that exists only in your mind?
Game link. For the win.

Sometimes it seems all is lost. Sold your souls.
But, maybe, there's hope. We can still be a part of something in this place we never wanted to be at first place.
I don't hate. I just...
Well, one of the first rules of hating people: live with them.
But... oh well.

Hey waitress, another hug for this table, on my account!

I'm lost. Shit.
Can I punch you 'til I sleep?

It wasn't what it is and will never be what it was. But still, it's something. And seeing it with your eyes may prove me wrong. Or maybe...?

Eyes lie.
People die.