Setting up fear

She walked outside the elevator, two apartment doors faced her. The walls were white, a mirror hanged by her left. She didn't like mirrors very much. At least this one wasn't very bid not did it look threatening. The lights had went on when she moved out of the elevator, but it wasn't pitch-black dark before. She rang the bell.
A few seconds later, the door at the right was being unlocked. It opened fast.
–Hey there!
–Hey!
He welcomed her into the apartment. It was a big living room, two mattresses lied on the floor in front of the sofa. The lights were off but there was enough illumination due to the big windows at the balcony right across the room. The curtains were slightly opened.
She had been there before to, just like this day, watch horror movies. Some of the movies he showed to her were interesting. She would sometimes bring some movies too. They'd normally watch two movies. He loved that genre, and seemed to be deeply interested in trying to find movies that could scare her. It normally succeeded due to some jump scares. But it didn't feel enough for him.
She'd find it strange, that pursuit of fear. Even though he seemed to care about her at the end of every movie, there was also a strange look in his eyes. He longed for that lasting fear that walks behind you when it is bedtime.
Somehow, however, it felt safe. To this day, it was only jump scares. Some of the stories or characters were genuinely scary, and there was a eerie feeling at times, after the credits. Did not suffice but it always felt a little bit closer.
Popcorns were being prepared. They normally chatted during those explosions in the microwave. Topics regarding life in general, some events, some things that were funny. Then, after it was ready, it was time to go to the living room. He'd usually ask if she was ready, or which one would she like to watch first. She always asked which one was scarier, but he always had a hard time answering that.
It was hard for him to point out where to find fear in a movie, and had been so for a long time. But he still ranked some things that were present in these movies and that could perhaps get to her. Always trying to avoid spoilers, for it killed the surprise factor that could add to the possible fear.


And this is the day it all started...

Gift, part 11

–This is going to be so fucking awesome, man!
–Yeah, I'm sure it will.
–Do you want to join us at the soccer game? We are planning to go all the way to Newcastle to see the match between Brazil and New Zealand.
–Oh, the Olympics, right?
–Yeah! It is going to be awesome! We can go from Scotland to England really easy!
–Cool, I'm buying the plane tickets.
It was funny to think that it was somehow easier to talk to friends who were abroad, far away. Those who were close seemed to be distant, and it wasn't their fault. And by feeling some sort of remorse for letting them stray away like that, silence reigned.
Like a vicious cycle.
But he was truly decided in buying those plane tickets to visit a friend in Scotland. The university was on strike, so there wasn't much to do. His friend's joy of receiving visit from such a distance was enough. For thinking too much he didn't feel like radiating happiness.
But it would be fun.
Fun...
It was of fun that the darkness fed off him. Being sad made it weaker, being angry made it weakest. Angry meant to be completely devoid of its influence. Was it a good tradeoff?
Sometimes he felt it was, sometimes it felt like a stupid question. The negative answer was obvious.
And thinking about that felt strange because, it could probably hear, or read. It would get aware of the situation sooner or later, it would know he had discovered this weakness in the bond.
But that would have to be thought of later, the dwindling relation between him and his friends was more important. But what was there to be done?
He grabbed his cellphone. Passing through all those chats, sometimes entering some to see the last messages. Wondering how could so many of those boxes have such old "last message" timestamps. There had always so much to talk about, and there still were things they could talk. Or perhaps he could just listen, the last weeks felt like... Empty.
If he could get rid of Daven, would the emptiness go away?


–I feel strange.
–What do you mean?
–It's like, being even more tired than before. But as more intense as it can feel, it also feels like a different type of being tired.
–Perhaps...
–Hm?
–Perhaps it is draining even more now.
–Even more... I thought about it these days. It probably already knows of my thoughts. It knows I am aware of the weakness.
–It might not worry much. You can't be kept angry forever. I don't know if one can endure such fate.
–I'd rather not have to hold such burden. Perhaps if I'm sad for life?
–Sad... Forever?
–Forever is a bit too long, but, if I keep on being sad for a very long period, it would get weaker right?
–Indeed, weaker and weaker. But it has already drained incredible amounts so, I'd say it can hold on for longer than you can keep up with that choice.
–Well, something could... Kill it, right? Like that day it killed, that thing.
–That's a difficult gamble...
–Perhaps...
–...Moreover, would a life like that be worth living?
–"Worth living" is something that depends a lot on the point of view.
–Yes, but...
–If you think solely on the point of choosing to be sad, it is more of a sacrifice that may not bring anything. Or you can see it as I see...
Her eyes were staring at his. He seemed different saying these things. The curiosity in those eyes shadowed the huge scar.
–...It is more like a war. And defeating it would be an achievement. If it chose me for, I don't know, being the best generator it could find, then perhaps I am the only one who could be up to the challenge. It is weird to say those words, it is not like being full of myself. I guess it is more in the sense of having to see it as something I can do, so I don't give up.
–It is a strange concept to me. But if thinking that makes you feel better... I just think that it may not be a wise move.
–I was never much the wise type.
She smiled.
–I could see that on the first day!
–Aw, come on! I was taken by surprise!
The smile faded a little.
–Yeah, I know...
He saw a glance of the face she made that day. How could he say anything about that day without referring to the scar. The eternal sad smile that tore her cheeks.
–But you know, I'm very glad that I had that day. Not only because I had a small victory against my fear, can't say I truly overcame it. But, Daven did one good thing. Sometimes I'd wait for the night to come just for the chance of having such a nice company.
She stared at him with a face that is hard to describe. It was like a void. Like someone who isn't sad but has no way to react to what just happened.
–I know this is quite weird, but I'm glad you're here.
The eyes turned downwards. He wondered if everything was okay. But before he could ask, she started.
–It is good to hear that. But you must remember that there is also the company of your friends. They can walk by your side all the time, not just at night.
–I know, but...
A tear made a small circle on the sofa.
–Thank you.
He looked at her hair. That was not how he expected it would be. Those were some strange days...
–I have a request for you.
–Sure! What is it?
–Do not choose to weaken it by torturing yourself.
–But I won't torture myself, I'll just...
–DO NOT!
He leaned backwards.
–I... Well, okay... I just don't know any other way...
–You'll figure out. But promise me you won't go through any of those you mentioned.
–I...
She raised her head. Her eyes were closed, forming a strangely happy smile, as if it was forced. As if it hurt.
–Because I promise that if you choose to go through any of those two, I will come for you.
His heart raced.
–I... Promise. I won't do that.
Her face went back to normal.
–Good. Now, let's go for a walk.
–A walk?
–Yes. Let's walk around the city, I know you enjoy that.
–You sure?
–Yes. Let's generate much more energy than he could ever think about draining this night.
His thoughts blanked.
–We won't be sleeping this Saturday. Go get ready.
Trying to hide the grin, he nodded and walked to the bedroom. But one thought then made its way through.
–Isn't it dangerous to walk around the city at night? I mean, it is not very safe and all...
She couldn't believe he worried about that. It sounded so silly it was funny.
–Hahaha, unsafe? Are you really worried about that?
–Oh, yeah, I forgot...


A week had passed.
The plane tickets were bought. His friend was preparing their schedule. Those would be two weeks on the United Kingdom. Those would be two weeks travelling through the country visiting castles and seeing impressive landscapes. Two weeks without worrying about whatever bothered him in his daily routine.
But it worried it.
And thus it came on his sleep.
He was used to waking up in the middle of the night. And so he did, and sat on the edge of the bed.
–We have been busy these last days, haven't we?
And darkness grew.

Paradise

I like it here. Very, very much. It makes me wonder...

There's so much you should be told. So much I think about, so much you could think about. What goes through your mind? Are you as crazy as me?

Have you ever felt like digging your own grave? And you notice it but you can't stop anymore because it is what you do? Or because when you look at it, it looks so beautiful. You decorated it with all the details you'd want to have around... And now it looks like home.

It feels like digging graves, looking around for you. Because it is hard for me not to care about what people say, I know it is not a good habit but these die hard.

Sometimes I think things that look awesome, but then they seem to somehow disappear in this ocean.

If only you could see all I'm seeing. And perhaps if I could see what you see, then maybe. Maybe, right?

I'm holding paradise right now, but not like I was a few weeks ago. The needy part of me won't override this, even if I feel miserable, I'm holding. And it is awesome. I will work hard enough to get paradise again, and we'll make sure the tables are turned by the end of the year.

I still feel these tears trying to get out, and it is hard to keep aware of reality. But we're making some progress down here. And you...

Perhaps you're worth the dig. Worth the risk. Maybe you will like paradise.