Unsuccesful experiment

It was just too easy to be true...
But in the end, we did not come back, perhaps because this is not the real end. I don't really know what came back, instead of a cured me, something sicker showed up. Instead of solving the problem we created a bigger one we have no idea how to deal with...
Perhaps because we didn't know how to deal with the initial problem, we didn't know what since the start. Like being fifteen years old again... with a problem off the scale.
But instead of something that's made of concentrated hatred, there's a chance we're dealing with some other thing, that disguises itself behind all this rage. Actually, it doesn't really matter, I just don't think I can keep the appearances for much longer. It's a shame, because they really believe I have came back. As I promised I would return. But you know what? Something in here says it doesn't really matter. Perhaps nothing matters at all.
But I'm not a menace to those around me. I'll just drive them away within time. I hate all this.
I hate this emptiness. I hate this despair that walks with me everywhere. I hate people talking to me when I'm among my thoughts. I hate people trying to get my attention, if I actually cared about whatever the fuck are you doing, I would give attention from the beginning. I hate not being able to sleep normally. I hate waking up tired. In some way, I hate sleeping. I hate not being able to forget what I'd rather forget like every normal person. I hate the fact that none of the help you can give me will work. I hate waiting for one who can help. I hate bothering people with this shit. I hate noisy people. I hate hope. I hate not being able to destroy those around me. Sometimes I hate being different. I hate this urge to cry. I hate this desire for one who can hold me and make it all go away. I hate.


Please make me sleep.

Cheers

Everything aside.
So, we are already past half of my stay. Me and me in a paradise still not so much affected by corruption, or humanity, whatever you call it.
Sometimes we have to be alone to be together. You know, no one entering the door. No one to tell you when to wake up or sleep, that's up to you. Only works if you can discipline yourself though. It's one hell of an experiment.
Though I know there are some odds involved, but those are not the real focus of it.
The focus, is hatred.
I wonder, everyone must have a bit of it inside. I guess it's normal, like a little pet we have to tame. An evil pet. To some, it may be a dog that refuses to obey, maybe some ill-tempered cat. To others, it's more like a monstrous grizzly bear or a giant snake. Hard to control or to know when will it attack, though you know the consequences shall be disastrous.
It's interesting to actually note your thoughts. If you come to think of it, most of our thoughts just pass as simple thoughts, because, well, that's what they are in fact. But, sometimes you can find something analysing them.
In an abstract way, you can see what really hides inside, if it's a dog or a crocodile. Or worse. But then again, what it is doesn't really matter. In remote times, we used to talk about it, as something somewhat simple. You can control it, but, do you WANT to control it? The answer is no, as I stated before. Saying that I did want to have it asleep forever would be a lie since sometimes it feels good to feel it.
I'm getting a bit lost in my thoughts.
So, this travel had a bunch of motivations, some would be called legitimate, others not. I suppose not all motivations shall be taken seriously to it's very end, but that's something we already had prepared ourselves for.
It's strange because sometimes I think about things that reveal that harsh feeling that hides behind a dozen of layers. And it seems like something new because I can get to know what makes me hate, but when I think about it, I knew it all the time. But being in a place like this, I feel strangely calm, even though I don't actually feel completely at home, which is not very much of a new since I mostly don't feel at home everywhere I go most of the time (home included). Of course, this place is awesome, it feels easier to look at the bright side.
Some curious thing is that I'm having deep nightmares every night over here. Not the kind of thing that bother me actually, I'm pretty much used to it. But I find it curious indeed, to have such bad dreams in such a paradise. The days are awesome, it's cold, and a bit desert over here. Maybe it's just my head, thinking and forcing things.
I believe things will get better after this experiment.
It's funny, I can be anyone I am. Be it on stupid moments or just being cold and ghostly. What I can't be fully be when there's people around. This last sentence is a bit weird because taking it seriously, the people over here, the ones I don't know, would not be considered people. It's not like that, but I guess you can figure out the real meaning of it.
It's a bit sad when I think it's halfway to ending. Just like a dream, it ends. But that's okay, I can live with it.
In fact, it's a bit anything when I think about it. There's still this feeling of lacking a part of me, but it seems way easier to handle it. I hope it stays the same when it's over. For now, it's just my white grape juice, me and the cold night howling at us.
Which doesn't mean I dislike some people, of course.
But white grape juice is made of win, and if I had people around to share it, then I probably wouldn't have that much of me.

Someone to turn on the lights

I'm just... just standing here...
I see you sleeping, you look so distant, but that's not the worst. I can handle your distance, as long as you're fine. But you look sad, it's like you're into an endless nightmare, engulfed in an eternal darkness... it can be seen, just by looking at your face for a while. And I've been here for a long while...

Then why don't you just wake me up?

...And I wonder, if maybe that's not just too selfish of me. I'm afraid of what could happen if I woke you up... I'm afraid you'll be angry at me, it's almost like I could hear you screaming at me... and a part of me knows it's not real, because I can only guess how would you react, and guessing does not turn things into reality, but the mere thought of it shatters me...

It's too dark in here.

Some days I get the feeling it's getting easier to deal with it, I can live with this. Only seeing you there, assured you'll never know who I am. Perhaps it's better this way. But it doesn't last much... but, but I can guarantee you that, nothing will happen to you while you sleep, I'll be guarding you for as long as I live...

I'm still sleeping...

...Because, maybe, it was your decision... I'm afraid to bring you back into this world only to discover that you preferred this darkness, maybe reality was worse for you, maybe it brought you more suffering than your sleep. I, I really don't know, and I'm too hurt already to go further and discover the truth... but, if that's the case, then I can understand you, I really can. And, in case someday you wake up, I will do whatever I can to make this world less depressing for you, I can give you a good morning every day you get up and a good night everytime your eyes get to close when the moon is up there shining to us. I will do my best to at least help you pretend this is just another long dream, and that you're not really in the real world. Whatever you need, I'll be there.
I promise.

Just promise to take me outta here.

I'm sorry... but, if you want to come back, please, please, just give a sign, any sign. Anything...