Damn man, I should be sleeping. But I don't wanna sleep.
I don't like this feeling. It's like, feeling alone.
I have to man up and talk to people. I have to talk to people. I need to get out of this.
To be honest, I'd just like to lie my head on someone's lap and close my eyes.
I can't cry anymore, the time for that is long gone now.
I am a selfish thing that has a lot of things but grieve for those I haven't.
I see you right there, I know you're on my side. I thank you for that. Every message you send feels like a star shines somewhere in the darkness. Don't you worry, I'll keep on fighting. But I'm too weak. You know, I still think about her. Despite all I was told. I have to try harder. I don't want to be one of those people that cannot be helped.
I don't want.
I think I'm growing bitter. And envious.
Could I please just lie my head on your lap for a while? I promise I won't speak a thing. I won't bombard you with negativity.
At least it is sealed within.
This all feels silly.
I can only offer money in return I guess. Don't take it as an offense. That's all I've got. It makes the bad thoughts go away for a while. Think of it as my time. One of the most precious things I could have.
I feel drained.
quinta-feira, 19 de novembro de 2015
terça-feira, 17 de novembro de 2015
Gift, part 10
He stared at her, no response other than that. Inside his head he wondered if she would just turn the back on him and leave, due to his lack of words, or come even closer demanding for an explanation. In the end, both options frightened enough. And motionless, he remained.
Facing that expressionless aspect, she stood still. Perhaps an explanation was too much to ask for.
But then again, what was there to explain?
To him, those words did not lie. They might not have brought it all to surface, as she was some sort of spirit after all. And pretty much some sort of undead too. "Smiley" was the word in the sentence that made his innards crawl. It almost sounded as some sort of mockery to her pain. He wished he didn't care, but it felt pretty bad since he couldn't forget that she had endured being by side for many nights.
She wasn't real. As in "circle" real. But she was better than it. At least it was easier to relate than with Daven. And why the hell would it tell her about that? Revenge? Didn't look like the behavior he witnessed for a good part of his life. Still, it was acting a bit differently. More distant, more... aggressive? He didn't know if that was the word.
That wasn't important for now anyway, he had to say something to her. Anguish grew as he looked at her and no words seemed to be useful.
He could say "sorry", but he always believed that was something stupid to say. Saying you're sorry does not fix things. You need something more, something that really proves you would do differently, or do anything to make that go away if you had the chance. But there was a chance that was too much of an utopical behavior. And resources were too scarce for making it happen.
He could say he didn't mean it, but that would also be a lie. Even if it was in a situation he meant it, that didn't mean he thought it everytime. But that was also too shallow.
"To be honest, to be really, really honest?"
–Thank you for the company...
Her eyes opened wider, as if she couldn't believe that was the reaction to that moment.
–I really have gotten nothing that feels worthy of saying so... If you've got to leave I can only understand, but it is better to show some gratitude before...
It felt like giving up, it felt stupid. But he couldn't counter his thoughts. Once again, he had to take a stand for himself and all that came out were ideas of not being able to withstand the task.
–That's all...?
–Pretty much...
–No apologies?
–I didn't think of a way that felt like really fixing it.
–Sometimes there is no way of fixing what was done.
–But there has to always be a way to make those you wronged feel better.
–That may not fix it, though.
–I don't know, I just... Couldn't find the right words. But I didn't want to stay silent all the way.
–That would have been even more foolish of you.
He lowered his head, acknowledging.
At least he said something. Most of the time when these conflicts came by, he'd just listen. While listening can be thought of as a virtue, words have got to be spoken.
–So, take care.
–Take care?
–Well, yes. I'm not sure what harms are there in this world for... you.
She frowned. The scar dwindled, forming a small drop of blood near the lower lip.
–For things like me? There aren't many but, I appreciate your concern.
–I didn't mean to say anything like that now, I know that what was said can't be taken away.
–You still have so much to learn...
–What...?
–I wonder if you are this naive, because of your own essence, or because it made you grow this way in order to have control over your energy.
–So, it is not here now. Why don't YOU teach me anything, if I'm so lost down here?
Deep down he felt angry. It was hard to actually argument and to justify but, most of the times he never cared. Anger felt good. And even though he had made a mistake before, that did not justify her acting like that. It didn't, right?
–That would be a worthless effort. You are still too used to relying on its protection. No matter how bad things get, you don't actually get to act much, do you? You just do something small, and thing of it as a grand, heroic effort. As that meant you are now another person, and things will change. But nothing changes.
–Wh...?
She walked closer. Slowly, always facing him.
–He managed to control you after all. Must have been real easy.
–Just what is wrong with you?!
–I will talk to it as soon as possible. He will find you another companion, one that does not get bothered by being obliged to tag along someone so...
–So what?!
She lowered her body in order to talk closely to his ear. Her voice was now pure despise. Sitting on the bed, his head rushed between asking what was going on and a constantly increasing rage.
–So easy to fool. It gets clear that what she did was the only option. She can step on you and then ask for help whenever she needs, because that's what you're useful for.
Sometimes a split second is all it is needed for a spark to bring down an entire building.
He had been very good at holding it back, when people mistreated him. It wasn't always like that. He learned it within the years. But sometimes this past danced in the void.
A child barely taking another off the ground, by pulling her hair. The eyes getting reddish, breathing in gushes. She had tripped in the joystick wires, the Super Nintendo dashed forward while she fell. The game stopped. Nervous she apologized, but knew he'd get angry. Trying to control herself, she laughed. He blanked.
The next second he wasn't sitting in the floor anymore. It didn't last for long, but it lasted enough for the night to follow in silence. No one spoke a word until the morning came.
So many more...
A child falling off a tower of plastic chairs. One hitting an iron pilaster. Both losing deciduous teeth. A mechanical pencil cutting the skin of a boy who poked him even after telling to stop three times. All the punches, slaps, threats. It was all too fast.
It had stopped. He knew the consequences. Might have taken a dozen years, but it was done. Still, there was always that little voice somewhere asking for more. It felt so good.
He breathed heavily, interruptedly. His hand on her knife, her hand on his wrist. He grabbed it faster than he thought he could realize. His right cheek was wet. The eyes getting red, the right one wept. It wasn't right.
But it felt right.
Consciously he forced his arm in order to let go. She looked serious, that mocking tone had faded away.
Yet the voice in his head asked for her blood, she deserved it. It repeated that he was a loser and that everyone laughed at him. But it could be changed. All he had to do was follow that incredible feeling.
But it wouldn't be right to hurt her.
That thought shimmered in the storm. Hard to take notice.
He grinned, now thinking of all the things he had to fix in his life. It wasn't fair to blame her for that, but it couldn't be helped.
Her grip was still strong. Lowering the body once again to get closer, and knowing it would become each time harder to hold that hand begging for blood, she started to speak. The distance between the blade and the neck lessened.
–I know you are very angry now. And that was my goal.
Very close.
–You will have to believe me. It made me see the last night, I saw what you said, and the entire discussion. But I noticed something while seeing that through his eyes, it got weaker. When your anger goes out of control it can't see your thoughts, it is unable to drain you. I believe it show me that in order to create a conflict, even though it does not get to take much advantage of you when you are sad, it does not get at bay.
The blade now touched her neck. Just a little bit more until it could enter.
Just a little bit more, and she will pay.
–Now, I know those things may bring you down, but it was the only way...
A small drop of blood formed. Her voice got weak and unsteady.
–Listen to me...
He could hear, but it was hard to reason. Each time he realized that wasn't right, the voice came with a bigger flood of violent thoughts. He knew he might regret that, but it was just too hard to step back. He could never go back, he held too much to just let them go away. They all had to pay. They all would pay. Things weren't going well, but he would make it better. Alone, for alone he wouldn't have to worry about others. And he wouldn't have to relate to anyone, deal with the harsh parts of friendships. And if she was right, not even Daven would be a problem anymore. For it wouldn't be anymore. Nothing would be.
A gentle touch covered his cheek.
–Thank you for the company, too.
She didn't take any step back also.
The storm exploded. And in the aftermath, when senses came back, their foreheads touched each other, the knife was shaking alongside his hand. Her hand still covered his cheek. Blood flowed timidly.
Facing that expressionless aspect, she stood still. Perhaps an explanation was too much to ask for.
But then again, what was there to explain?
To him, those words did not lie. They might not have brought it all to surface, as she was some sort of spirit after all. And pretty much some sort of undead too. "Smiley" was the word in the sentence that made his innards crawl. It almost sounded as some sort of mockery to her pain. He wished he didn't care, but it felt pretty bad since he couldn't forget that she had endured being by side for many nights.
She wasn't real. As in "circle" real. But she was better than it. At least it was easier to relate than with Daven. And why the hell would it tell her about that? Revenge? Didn't look like the behavior he witnessed for a good part of his life. Still, it was acting a bit differently. More distant, more... aggressive? He didn't know if that was the word.
That wasn't important for now anyway, he had to say something to her. Anguish grew as he looked at her and no words seemed to be useful.
He could say "sorry", but he always believed that was something stupid to say. Saying you're sorry does not fix things. You need something more, something that really proves you would do differently, or do anything to make that go away if you had the chance. But there was a chance that was too much of an utopical behavior. And resources were too scarce for making it happen.
He could say he didn't mean it, but that would also be a lie. Even if it was in a situation he meant it, that didn't mean he thought it everytime. But that was also too shallow.
"To be honest, to be really, really honest?"
–Thank you for the company...
Her eyes opened wider, as if she couldn't believe that was the reaction to that moment.
–I really have gotten nothing that feels worthy of saying so... If you've got to leave I can only understand, but it is better to show some gratitude before...
It felt like giving up, it felt stupid. But he couldn't counter his thoughts. Once again, he had to take a stand for himself and all that came out were ideas of not being able to withstand the task.
–That's all...?
–Pretty much...
–No apologies?
–I didn't think of a way that felt like really fixing it.
–Sometimes there is no way of fixing what was done.
–But there has to always be a way to make those you wronged feel better.
–That may not fix it, though.
–I don't know, I just... Couldn't find the right words. But I didn't want to stay silent all the way.
–That would have been even more foolish of you.
He lowered his head, acknowledging.
At least he said something. Most of the time when these conflicts came by, he'd just listen. While listening can be thought of as a virtue, words have got to be spoken.
–So, take care.
–Take care?
–Well, yes. I'm not sure what harms are there in this world for... you.
She frowned. The scar dwindled, forming a small drop of blood near the lower lip.
–For things like me? There aren't many but, I appreciate your concern.
–I didn't mean to say anything like that now, I know that what was said can't be taken away.
–You still have so much to learn...
–What...?
–I wonder if you are this naive, because of your own essence, or because it made you grow this way in order to have control over your energy.
–So, it is not here now. Why don't YOU teach me anything, if I'm so lost down here?
Deep down he felt angry. It was hard to actually argument and to justify but, most of the times he never cared. Anger felt good. And even though he had made a mistake before, that did not justify her acting like that. It didn't, right?
–That would be a worthless effort. You are still too used to relying on its protection. No matter how bad things get, you don't actually get to act much, do you? You just do something small, and thing of it as a grand, heroic effort. As that meant you are now another person, and things will change. But nothing changes.
–Wh...?
She walked closer. Slowly, always facing him.
–He managed to control you after all. Must have been real easy.
–Just what is wrong with you?!
–I will talk to it as soon as possible. He will find you another companion, one that does not get bothered by being obliged to tag along someone so...
–So what?!
She lowered her body in order to talk closely to his ear. Her voice was now pure despise. Sitting on the bed, his head rushed between asking what was going on and a constantly increasing rage.
–So easy to fool. It gets clear that what she did was the only option. She can step on you and then ask for help whenever she needs, because that's what you're useful for.
Sometimes a split second is all it is needed for a spark to bring down an entire building.
He had been very good at holding it back, when people mistreated him. It wasn't always like that. He learned it within the years. But sometimes this past danced in the void.
A child barely taking another off the ground, by pulling her hair. The eyes getting reddish, breathing in gushes. She had tripped in the joystick wires, the Super Nintendo dashed forward while she fell. The game stopped. Nervous she apologized, but knew he'd get angry. Trying to control herself, she laughed. He blanked.
The next second he wasn't sitting in the floor anymore. It didn't last for long, but it lasted enough for the night to follow in silence. No one spoke a word until the morning came.
So many more...
A child falling off a tower of plastic chairs. One hitting an iron pilaster. Both losing deciduous teeth. A mechanical pencil cutting the skin of a boy who poked him even after telling to stop three times. All the punches, slaps, threats. It was all too fast.
It had stopped. He knew the consequences. Might have taken a dozen years, but it was done. Still, there was always that little voice somewhere asking for more. It felt so good.
He breathed heavily, interruptedly. His hand on her knife, her hand on his wrist. He grabbed it faster than he thought he could realize. His right cheek was wet. The eyes getting red, the right one wept. It wasn't right.
But it felt right.
Consciously he forced his arm in order to let go. She looked serious, that mocking tone had faded away.
Yet the voice in his head asked for her blood, she deserved it. It repeated that he was a loser and that everyone laughed at him. But it could be changed. All he had to do was follow that incredible feeling.
But it wouldn't be right to hurt her.
That thought shimmered in the storm. Hard to take notice.
He grinned, now thinking of all the things he had to fix in his life. It wasn't fair to blame her for that, but it couldn't be helped.
Her grip was still strong. Lowering the body once again to get closer, and knowing it would become each time harder to hold that hand begging for blood, she started to speak. The distance between the blade and the neck lessened.
–I know you are very angry now. And that was my goal.
Very close.
–You will have to believe me. It made me see the last night, I saw what you said, and the entire discussion. But I noticed something while seeing that through his eyes, it got weaker. When your anger goes out of control it can't see your thoughts, it is unable to drain you. I believe it show me that in order to create a conflict, even though it does not get to take much advantage of you when you are sad, it does not get at bay.
The blade now touched her neck. Just a little bit more until it could enter.
Just a little bit more, and she will pay.
–Now, I know those things may bring you down, but it was the only way...
A small drop of blood formed. Her voice got weak and unsteady.
–Listen to me...
He could hear, but it was hard to reason. Each time he realized that wasn't right, the voice came with a bigger flood of violent thoughts. He knew he might regret that, but it was just too hard to step back. He could never go back, he held too much to just let them go away. They all had to pay. They all would pay. Things weren't going well, but he would make it better. Alone, for alone he wouldn't have to worry about others. And he wouldn't have to relate to anyone, deal with the harsh parts of friendships. And if she was right, not even Daven would be a problem anymore. For it wouldn't be anymore. Nothing would be.
A gentle touch covered his cheek.
–Thank you for the company, too.
She didn't take any step back also.
The storm exploded. And in the aftermath, when senses came back, their foreheads touched each other, the knife was shaking alongside his hand. Her hand still covered his cheek. Blood flowed timidly.
quarta-feira, 11 de novembro de 2015
I can't really tell if this is the moment you run away
Today I had a very weird dream and I saw children dying in horrible ways. It is not relevant. I also saw a friend that can't be called friend anymore because we failed each other, trying to send me an email. I couldn't see the content and that is damn frustrating until now.
I am going back and forth. Every time I see a beautiful girl it brings me down, everything sex-related devastates my mind, and when people tell me I should do this or that in order to talk to some girl it is a major failure. Perhaps this fear has already been absorbed as to become a part of me.
What stands in the light is the fact that this is driving me insane. I'm not sure anymore I want to fight back. Maybe... Nothing. There's nothing. I just need to take some time to rearm. Get away from people. Avoid drinking. And sleep.
Make the bad thoughts go away.
By burning or by bleeding.
But make my face beautiful.
For scarred I am.
And don't ever let me wake up.
By hunting or by killing.
But hug me upon failure.
For scarred you will be.
Deep down we are all clowns.
segunda-feira, 9 de novembro de 2015
Kiss your loved ones goodbye
I... Believe, no. I hope... That all these strange thoughts about fixing things are the result of being too tired. I don't really understand when am I tired. I have serious problems with things that have to be felt. Perhaps all the times my mood just flopped badly at the end of travels were just, being tired. I don't know.
Some things I read and try to think help to amend this. But for the first time burning places down made some strange sense. Maybe I'm just tired, right?
Things will get better.
I'll find a way.
P.S: if you get to read this, don't worry. I promise to finish the story at all costs. It has been hard to write because of my travels, I just wrote this for I needed to take it out of my head. As ridiculous as it seems, being in Vegas has a very bad side effect in me.
Some things I read and try to think help to amend this. But for the first time burning places down made some strange sense. Maybe I'm just tired, right?
Things will get better.
I'll find a way.
P.S: if you get to read this, don't worry. I promise to finish the story at all costs. It has been hard to write because of my travels, I just wrote this for I needed to take it out of my head. As ridiculous as it seems, being in Vegas has a very bad side effect in me.
sexta-feira, 6 de novembro de 2015
Being late is being me
Can I give you a hug?
Ahn... sure...
I've done something today. I know this might look a little bit stupid, or silly, or whatever you may call it...
It's been a long time since I last took the first step onto these kind of things. Going straight to the point, I held a girl's hand at the movies. Sounds like something that should have been done a good dozen years later. I'm aware of that, but better start later than never, right?
It was almost as what I heard for years and years, not that much technical but the basics are pretty much there. It was fun. Like... being out there in the field, knowing that every next step can be make or break, it's hard to calculate probabilities. It's... good.
I'd rather not go much longer on this one since I have to sleep soon.
It doesn't matter if you're the only one cheering for something, as long as it is something.
Ahn... sure...
I've done something today. I know this might look a little bit stupid, or silly, or whatever you may call it...
It's been a long time since I last took the first step onto these kind of things. Going straight to the point, I held a girl's hand at the movies. Sounds like something that should have been done a good dozen years later. I'm aware of that, but better start later than never, right?
It was almost as what I heard for years and years, not that much technical but the basics are pretty much there. It was fun. Like... being out there in the field, knowing that every next step can be make or break, it's hard to calculate probabilities. It's... good.
I'd rather not go much longer on this one since I have to sleep soon.
It doesn't matter if you're the only one cheering for something, as long as it is something.
terça-feira, 3 de novembro de 2015
Days of sulfur
Today was a strange day...
Why? What happened?
I don't know why... but I feel this strange bad feeling.
Is it related to something that happened in the past?
Not sure... there's probably a connection. You know... when it feels like the world got darker, and things don't seem to make much sense anymore. You just want to... disappear somehow.
Is that why you're hiding here?
Uh-huh...
I see... well... why don't you ask for help?
I don't feel like I have the prerogative for such. I've used help too much already.
That is something hard to define. But if...
And I am aware that I am easily irritated no.
Hm...
I wanted to stay in silence...
It doesn't look like that.
What do you mean?
You're talking to me now and you look okay, it's not like I am pissing you off. And you, although acting kinda silly, ain't treating me any bad.
It's just that... I think I'm getting very needy too... my head is going to explode anytime. But I enjoy your company.
Can I enter there then?
Ah... I guess...
Don't worry, we'll be in silence together.
I'm having a hard time managing my life.
And my life has been somewhat easy.
I guess that's just because we were pretty used to the easy mode. Taking things to the next level brought us to our knees. I wonder if alone is easier to get back up.
I won't lie, sometimes I fantasize about someone coming and solving everything. It's like... going delusional.
These are periods of short fuse. It's funny because I deposit hope in some people, and I know it's kinda unfair to them.
It is normal to have thoughts about disappearing right?
I was trying to hold back all these stories because I know that daydreaming can't save one from his shadows. But I guess it is... okay. Maybe I'm just quitting the fight like my head says so daily. I don't know, at least that is healthier than liters of alcohol.
Can I... can I hold your hand?
Oh...
If that doesn't bother you, that is. I don't know why, I just feel like maybe things get easier if we tag along.
Sure.
'Cause I think that right now I am going right into darkness, but it can't get you. I won't let it. And if I keep holding your hand, at least I know how to escape it. So... what I ask of you is, will you be my beacon?
Why? What happened?
I don't know why... but I feel this strange bad feeling.
Is it related to something that happened in the past?
Not sure... there's probably a connection. You know... when it feels like the world got darker, and things don't seem to make much sense anymore. You just want to... disappear somehow.
Is that why you're hiding here?
Uh-huh...
I see... well... why don't you ask for help?
I don't feel like I have the prerogative for such. I've used help too much already.
That is something hard to define. But if...
And I am aware that I am easily irritated no.
Hm...
I wanted to stay in silence...
It doesn't look like that.
What do you mean?
You're talking to me now and you look okay, it's not like I am pissing you off. And you, although acting kinda silly, ain't treating me any bad.
It's just that... I think I'm getting very needy too... my head is going to explode anytime. But I enjoy your company.
Can I enter there then?
Ah... I guess...
Don't worry, we'll be in silence together.
I'm having a hard time managing my life.
And my life has been somewhat easy.
I guess that's just because we were pretty used to the easy mode. Taking things to the next level brought us to our knees. I wonder if alone is easier to get back up.
I won't lie, sometimes I fantasize about someone coming and solving everything. It's like... going delusional.
These are periods of short fuse. It's funny because I deposit hope in some people, and I know it's kinda unfair to them.
It is normal to have thoughts about disappearing right?
I was trying to hold back all these stories because I know that daydreaming can't save one from his shadows. But I guess it is... okay. Maybe I'm just quitting the fight like my head says so daily. I don't know, at least that is healthier than liters of alcohol.
Can I... can I hold your hand?
Oh...
If that doesn't bother you, that is. I don't know why, I just feel like maybe things get easier if we tag along.
Sure.
'Cause I think that right now I am going right into darkness, but it can't get you. I won't let it. And if I keep holding your hand, at least I know how to escape it. So... what I ask of you is, will you be my beacon?
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