They say we were not supposed to be. I guess they are right, but I'm not leaving it now. The night brings new hope in what could be the pinnacle of destruction. We can shatter existance as a whole tonight, and we aren't giving this opportunity away. It means, I don't really know, but I feel this weird urge to smile, to laugh so hard that the face gets disfigured. At what I don't really understand, and I know this is foolish but this is not the time to care about it.
One by one we reap them. Normal humans coming to face their tainted enemies. An army of bloodstained, maniacal, deformed creatures. My army.
Tomorrow we'll become one again. But for now I can look at my left and see this tormented child walking ahead, earphones on, eyes looking down, blood dripping from the hair and a body count that has already passed a hundred. The movements are slow, dull, as if there was no more will inside the body, as long as there's nothing alive nearby.
There's this building burning back there, I can hear their screams. I can hear the noise their bodies make when they hit the floor, despair makes them blind, it always works. Once it gets them, it's a matter of seconds before they go down a dozen floors. Perhaps they enjoy it. Well, we do.
Perhaps this is an act of extreme lunacy, but the walking horrors move on. I still don't know what moves us, and what is left to be seen. The clown at my right says there's nothing else, that's all we could have had, since the beginning. His eye sockets are empty, oozes coming out of them. Still he never misses one target, the blades hitting with extreme accuracy. His laughter is like a long shriek, showing the teeth that are long gone from his mouth, blades and nails replacing them.
As we advance, the moon serves as our only yet loyal spectator. I can swear I saw a smile on it a few times, as if it despised humans from above. Perhaps it envies us. Never able to slaughter these ants that stare at her, taking her true feelings of hatred for something beautiful they aren't, mocking of her. But don't worry, we'll avenge you moon...
I can hear the sounds of bones cracking. There's a grotesque fat man walking around, eating the bodies we leave behind, some dead, some almost there. He is carrying a boy's leg, as if it was some part of a giant chicken meal, the weak bones are visible in some parts of it. The purple veins on his neck pulse unstoppably.
It's a nasty vision but, it's laughable. Everything is laughable here. We have nightmares walking a real world that doesn't exist, killing unreal people that exist. But why?
It doesn't matter, tomorrow nobody will know a thing about this.
quarta-feira, 31 de março de 2010
domingo, 28 de março de 2010
Confusion
I must go back to my world. I don't care what you say, I'm not living in here, I don't belong to this place. Where the fuck are we from? What should I destroy?
You're saying that this is all their fault and you're also telling me that this is not their fault, that doesn't quite make sense to me, no sense at all. They can only be guilty or not, someone has to be guilty. Guilty...
Yes, my actions and what I say don't match. Nothing seems to match, like your allegations. What do I have to do? I cannot accept them being this way and punish them at the same time. So many problems to solve... who do I want to be? Sometimes the old dark dream seems to be a very interesting option. Well, defying the logics that rule existance is something to be considered.
I know they are not that bad. We just need some other people, or perhaps no people at all. We have to fulfill the desire, no matter what.
Explode things... I like that.... perhaps that's the emotion that insists in staying low profile in you, an explanation for all the humanity that you can't portray. So you can portray it all in these singular acts.
Ah, leave me alone.
You're saying that this is all their fault and you're also telling me that this is not their fault, that doesn't quite make sense to me, no sense at all. They can only be guilty or not, someone has to be guilty. Guilty...
Yes, my actions and what I say don't match. Nothing seems to match, like your allegations. What do I have to do? I cannot accept them being this way and punish them at the same time. So many problems to solve... who do I want to be? Sometimes the old dark dream seems to be a very interesting option. Well, defying the logics that rule existance is something to be considered.
I know they are not that bad. We just need some other people, or perhaps no people at all. We have to fulfill the desire, no matter what.
Explode things... I like that.... perhaps that's the emotion that insists in staying low profile in you, an explanation for all the humanity that you can't portray. So you can portray it all in these singular acts.
Ah, leave me alone.
quinta-feira, 25 de março de 2010
Comprehension
What you cannot see, Kers, is that people carry good things inside them, even if all they show is the grotesque main part of human nature.
I was once told that my eyes shined. But I can't remember if I have ever seen something like that. When they say that someone's eyes are shining, do they really shine? Or is it... just an expression for things that I can't see?
Perhaps if you look closely, if you pay attention to people, then that's not just another expression. It may not be a light effect in an absurd that shatters reality, it can be just, that the eyes get lively. Remember that what can be seen is limited by reality. What can be felt...
What can be felt is limited by the mere fact of existing. That's just lame.
Not really, just because you don't understand almost everything you feel, just because you can't discern exact things in this pool of strange sensations of being alive, that doesn't you feel right? And you feel pain anyway. And I've seen you feeling happiness before. Understand that is not always black or white.
I've already understood that. I don't even care anymore, if they say it is whatever it can be, then I'm ok with it, let it be.
Not giving a fuck about it doesn't mean you've understood it. You just gave up on fighting against others. It feels like colors right? You can't see in between...
I don't care about colors. I can live with mistaking pink and strange red or purple.
So, that means you care about feelings?
They said I should.
I know there's something more. What you had to understand is that, even though you can't exactly define things in this field, you can try to feel them anyway. You can treat every single sensation as a new sensation, at first you won't know what it is, but within time you can understand it, feel it, and then it will have a name. The part of you that claims all things defined shall be satisfied. And then you can feel the same feeling, differently, don't you see how incredible that is? Almost everyone else will say ''this is whatever'' because they've already felt it, and they know what is and then that's all about it. But you can feel the very same things again, with all the power you felt at first time. It's almost a human dream coming true, your disadvantage makes you feel much more than everyone else who says that you can't feel a thing.
That's a new way of looking at it... but seems rather impractical.
Life is not practical at all, it's too complex and too simple at the same time. I know you remember someone once told you that no one loved more than you, I know, I know, there's a lot of field for discussion in here, this is a very superlative way of saying it. But, remember, there was a point to begin with it, even though the most is an exaggeration, it's quite probable that you at least love. And I know you carry this memory with you, even though it's buried way deeper than what you admit. We all need hope after all, right? Even our little gorehound Kers needs.
I guess we are getting out of focus here.
Focus... remember, not always black and white...
So, we should just talk randomly and lose track of the real point of this conversation?
As far as I remember, the focus over here was you, and we are still talking about you.
Touché...
Remember, I am just one of the abominations you created. We are not outsiders, we feel just like you do, because we weren't teached to feel any other way. There's nothing amazing in someone who feels like you if it's this way. The big deal is to find people who feel like you because they in fact got to comprehend you, and you can comprehend them.
That's a bit confusing... it's easier to sound like you're talking about something important or beautiful when you confuse your crowd.
So I'll put it simple. How the fuck do you want to see shiny eyes if you don't look at common eyes?
I was once told that my eyes shined. But I can't remember if I have ever seen something like that. When they say that someone's eyes are shining, do they really shine? Or is it... just an expression for things that I can't see?
Perhaps if you look closely, if you pay attention to people, then that's not just another expression. It may not be a light effect in an absurd that shatters reality, it can be just, that the eyes get lively. Remember that what can be seen is limited by reality. What can be felt...
What can be felt is limited by the mere fact of existing. That's just lame.
Not really, just because you don't understand almost everything you feel, just because you can't discern exact things in this pool of strange sensations of being alive, that doesn't you feel right? And you feel pain anyway. And I've seen you feeling happiness before. Understand that is not always black or white.
I've already understood that. I don't even care anymore, if they say it is whatever it can be, then I'm ok with it, let it be.
Not giving a fuck about it doesn't mean you've understood it. You just gave up on fighting against others. It feels like colors right? You can't see in between...
I don't care about colors. I can live with mistaking pink and strange red or purple.
So, that means you care about feelings?
They said I should.
I know there's something more. What you had to understand is that, even though you can't exactly define things in this field, you can try to feel them anyway. You can treat every single sensation as a new sensation, at first you won't know what it is, but within time you can understand it, feel it, and then it will have a name. The part of you that claims all things defined shall be satisfied. And then you can feel the same feeling, differently, don't you see how incredible that is? Almost everyone else will say ''this is whatever'' because they've already felt it, and they know what is and then that's all about it. But you can feel the very same things again, with all the power you felt at first time. It's almost a human dream coming true, your disadvantage makes you feel much more than everyone else who says that you can't feel a thing.
That's a new way of looking at it... but seems rather impractical.
Life is not practical at all, it's too complex and too simple at the same time. I know you remember someone once told you that no one loved more than you, I know, I know, there's a lot of field for discussion in here, this is a very superlative way of saying it. But, remember, there was a point to begin with it, even though the most is an exaggeration, it's quite probable that you at least love. And I know you carry this memory with you, even though it's buried way deeper than what you admit. We all need hope after all, right? Even our little gorehound Kers needs.
I guess we are getting out of focus here.
Focus... remember, not always black and white...
So, we should just talk randomly and lose track of the real point of this conversation?
As far as I remember, the focus over here was you, and we are still talking about you.
Touché...
Remember, I am just one of the abominations you created. We are not outsiders, we feel just like you do, because we weren't teached to feel any other way. There's nothing amazing in someone who feels like you if it's this way. The big deal is to find people who feel like you because they in fact got to comprehend you, and you can comprehend them.
That's a bit confusing... it's easier to sound like you're talking about something important or beautiful when you confuse your crowd.
So I'll put it simple. How the fuck do you want to see shiny eyes if you don't look at common eyes?
domingo, 21 de março de 2010
Just another analogy
Immutable. Intolerant. Unforgiving.
It's really sad to continue walking through dark tunnels, knowing that the light at the end is fake. Perhaps we all need to trick ourselves into being unaware of what happens. There's a child walking, a path that was made for an adult, but there is no way back. The cards were already thrown.
It's hard to face what we became. It may look dramatic and attention-drawing, to think that you have no more reason to wake up every morning, but it's not. It doesn't matter what they say, it is not cool. We all need our mornings, no matter if it is just a cloudy cold morning or one with a dazzling sun. But we don't need to walk alone everytime.
Every entrance in these dark walls brings something. Sometimes there's someone else at the other side and other people can join this frightening walk. Sometimes the holes are small and you have to make an effort into bringing the person around, sometimes it's a huge crack and people can come easily.
So, there are lots of other details in this analogy, but, I don't feel like writing about them. It's just an analogy made up in seconds to exemplify. Perhaps I've gone way too further into understanding life and forgot how to actually live it.
Among this twisted scenery lies a beaten hero, lost in it's past glory and looking for a sign. Just one.
Because in a way or another, we all need hope.
It's really sad to continue walking through dark tunnels, knowing that the light at the end is fake. Perhaps we all need to trick ourselves into being unaware of what happens. There's a child walking, a path that was made for an adult, but there is no way back. The cards were already thrown.
It's hard to face what we became. It may look dramatic and attention-drawing, to think that you have no more reason to wake up every morning, but it's not. It doesn't matter what they say, it is not cool. We all need our mornings, no matter if it is just a cloudy cold morning or one with a dazzling sun. But we don't need to walk alone everytime.
Every entrance in these dark walls brings something. Sometimes there's someone else at the other side and other people can join this frightening walk. Sometimes the holes are small and you have to make an effort into bringing the person around, sometimes it's a huge crack and people can come easily.
So, there are lots of other details in this analogy, but, I don't feel like writing about them. It's just an analogy made up in seconds to exemplify. Perhaps I've gone way too further into understanding life and forgot how to actually live it.
Among this twisted scenery lies a beaten hero, lost in it's past glory and looking for a sign. Just one.
Because in a way or another, we all need hope.
domingo, 14 de março de 2010
Collateral Effects
People need to talk to people, that's normal.
It's revolting and funny at the same time, how you have lots of things to say but when you get to say everything disappears. My head hurts, somehow.
I feel like I have nothing t say, then why do I feel like I need to communicate with people? Mostly, talking. This contradictory behaviour is unsettling. But I'm to blame, I know. I shouldn't have slept out of the time. That sucks. That's why I have nothing to say perhaps. Well, most probably. It's a beautiful night out there, anyway. Who cares.
I can't sleep and now I keep on seeing the image of this cute child holding a pillow as if she was scared, perhaps she just wants to sleep. Well I know how it feels, good to see I can share some kind of feeling with someone, even though it's an imaginary being. Shit.
I like the room like this, it looks cleaner without all those things and decorations. Nice. Reminds me of good things, and I guess most of these things indeed existed. I guess that explains why they say you only know someone when you wake up by their side, without all the makeups we use to appeal to people. Yep, that explains a lot of things. Feels bad to wake up after sleeping in the wrong time, I don't know why other people don't feel like this after sleeping in wrong hours. This would be a great time to go a killing spree. Well, sort of.
I know, I know, I admit that the extreme contrary is also truth. Perhaps this is the time when extremes show up, not that I'm with balance most of the time. In these times my deal with music gets even more apparent, that's a good point of it. It's curious how these things are relative, I can recognize the rage in songs that aren't the biggest examples of hatred. They are rather tame, as compared to some other things known to man, if you get what I mean.
Perhaps I should go out, ride around the city, well that wouldn't fix the thing, and would be quite expensive at the end of the day... yeah, that's not an option.
Is this unstability?
Now I'm thinking of pizza, guess I'm hungry. I should eat something.
Argh. Perhaps it was a bad idea to dig until I could find what I really thought, these stupid thoughts are taking over. How do people control their thoughts?
Stupid thoughts trying to hunt me, they won't win. I don't fucking need someone. I like this cold breeze. Stupid bubblebum girl. It's funny to say stupid and also think about being with her. Not exactly funny, just childish. I like these lights in the dark, ah stupid night.
Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...
Clowns... I can't even use forced fear, these images don't work now.
I don't need her, nor anyone else.
Stupid bubblegum girl. Stupid humanity.
It's revolting and funny at the same time, how you have lots of things to say but when you get to say everything disappears. My head hurts, somehow.
I feel like I have nothing t say, then why do I feel like I need to communicate with people? Mostly, talking. This contradictory behaviour is unsettling. But I'm to blame, I know. I shouldn't have slept out of the time. That sucks. That's why I have nothing to say perhaps. Well, most probably. It's a beautiful night out there, anyway. Who cares.
I can't sleep and now I keep on seeing the image of this cute child holding a pillow as if she was scared, perhaps she just wants to sleep. Well I know how it feels, good to see I can share some kind of feeling with someone, even though it's an imaginary being. Shit.
I like the room like this, it looks cleaner without all those things and decorations. Nice. Reminds me of good things, and I guess most of these things indeed existed. I guess that explains why they say you only know someone when you wake up by their side, without all the makeups we use to appeal to people. Yep, that explains a lot of things. Feels bad to wake up after sleeping in the wrong time, I don't know why other people don't feel like this after sleeping in wrong hours. This would be a great time to go a killing spree. Well, sort of.
I know, I know, I admit that the extreme contrary is also truth. Perhaps this is the time when extremes show up, not that I'm with balance most of the time. In these times my deal with music gets even more apparent, that's a good point of it. It's curious how these things are relative, I can recognize the rage in songs that aren't the biggest examples of hatred. They are rather tame, as compared to some other things known to man, if you get what I mean.
Perhaps I should go out, ride around the city, well that wouldn't fix the thing, and would be quite expensive at the end of the day... yeah, that's not an option.
Is this unstability?
Now I'm thinking of pizza, guess I'm hungry. I should eat something.
Argh. Perhaps it was a bad idea to dig until I could find what I really thought, these stupid thoughts are taking over. How do people control their thoughts?
Stupid thoughts trying to hunt me, they won't win. I don't fucking need someone. I like this cold breeze. Stupid bubblebum girl. It's funny to say stupid and also think about being with her. Not exactly funny, just childish. I like these lights in the dark, ah stupid night.
Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...
Clowns... I can't even use forced fear, these images don't work now.
I don't need her, nor anyone else.
Stupid bubblegum girl. Stupid humanity.
sábado, 13 de março de 2010
Prevention
I always wondered... why, between all the places this world can give you, you decided to stay here? The land where there's no stars but it is always night...
Because it's safer.
But... there's no being in this world that can do any harm to you, you're the one carrying powers beyond recognition, you're the one that set this world free from the bizarre breed. I don't get what could risk your safety...
Even the strongest shall fear something, my child.
What do you fear? You can destroy cities within seconds!
For you all, who are young, destroying anything is the source of power, the way to be someone and get a place at the world. It takes time to understand that destruction isn't everything, it isn't perfect. But only time can teach you that.
But, you can be the wealthiest, the most important person.
But, can I be the happiest?
Of course! Everyone will adore you and respect you, and you'll be rich.
You've got lots to learn, young one.
Then teach me!
I'm not the one for this job. I'm just a coward that suddenly found impressive amounts of power, nothing more.
You can't be a coward, what could you fear?
There are scars that can't stop bleeding. Scars that teach you to fear, through surges of pain. Not all in this world can be done with destruction. And if you get to learn that with the one you promised to protect, then perhaps we can talk.
So, you killed a woman?
No, I've killed myself in her eyes. I've proven that the strongest being on this planet isn't worthy of her company, that too much power can perhaps destroy the most precious things we have, and that being too destructive probably means you are not good enough.
So you are staying here because she hates you now?
I'm staying here because by being here I can't fail to those I promise to protect, because I can't promise anything. It's curious that the most powerful being in this world, can't see another tear from those he love, ain't it?
Because it's safer.
But... there's no being in this world that can do any harm to you, you're the one carrying powers beyond recognition, you're the one that set this world free from the bizarre breed. I don't get what could risk your safety...
Even the strongest shall fear something, my child.
What do you fear? You can destroy cities within seconds!
For you all, who are young, destroying anything is the source of power, the way to be someone and get a place at the world. It takes time to understand that destruction isn't everything, it isn't perfect. But only time can teach you that.
But, you can be the wealthiest, the most important person.
But, can I be the happiest?
Of course! Everyone will adore you and respect you, and you'll be rich.
You've got lots to learn, young one.
Then teach me!
I'm not the one for this job. I'm just a coward that suddenly found impressive amounts of power, nothing more.
You can't be a coward, what could you fear?
There are scars that can't stop bleeding. Scars that teach you to fear, through surges of pain. Not all in this world can be done with destruction. And if you get to learn that with the one you promised to protect, then perhaps we can talk.
So, you killed a woman?
No, I've killed myself in her eyes. I've proven that the strongest being on this planet isn't worthy of her company, that too much power can perhaps destroy the most precious things we have, and that being too destructive probably means you are not good enough.
So you are staying here because she hates you now?
I'm staying here because by being here I can't fail to those I promise to protect, because I can't promise anything. It's curious that the most powerful being in this world, can't see another tear from those he love, ain't it?
sexta-feira, 12 de março de 2010
Light and Darkness, part 3
It seems like this is the end of the road.
I wish it could be easier to get what I feel, well, maybe it's just better this way. This may be just a coincidence, but there's a lot of relationships crumbling around now. That's what I fear, that's what I use to haunt me, so I can keep myself scared and offer shelter, and then hold me as my own prisoner, prisoner of this false security room I created.
In the end it just happens that I am the child disguising in this body, hiding from the darkness I cast around as my mind. I am the silent darkness and also the dimming light, in an endless pursuit that I don't know if should end, but is now confused with the bright light that still watches all that goes by.
Risks... I've made an entire system that works in a way to prevent me from taking risks... and as of now, I'm not sure if that was a bad thing.
There's a multitude of things I buried. For the best, I said. Once again, bruising to save.
It was a long walk and this is still shrieking in my head, they say you have to be damn strong to admit your weaknesses. I was once told I was strong, I wish I could feel it was true. As I wish I could trust someone and know that I'm also trusted. As a girl on the roof once said, someone who gives you good morning when you wake up and good night when you go to sleep, without any kind of obligation. Someone to hug without thinking about anything else that happens around, someone that passes the hand through your hair and makes you calm, and isn't afraid of all the evil things you carry inside, because for this one person you can control it. Someone for whom you could make the most gigantic effort and if you managed to get one sincere smile, at least one, then it was worth it all. There's no words that can express what calmness these thoughts induce. As there's nothing that can said or written, that describes how does it feel to be in a dark afternoon, in silence, watching the rain fall, together.
I can't really tell what love is, to me, the me that aims for safety, it feels more like a need to have a slave, someone who does everything to make you happy, I can't lie and say I never thought about it like that, but then comes these images of also trying to do the best I can for this one person, even if I have to dig really deep in order to find something worthy of being offered.
There's this dreamy side that says that perhaps it's trying to look at the stars and feeling that the other person is also there, like those stars could connect both through their eyes.
Or, doing whatever you can in order to make that person happy, even if it doesn't get back to you. I'm not sure on this one, it hurts like hell...
It's sad to see that at the end of our roads, we haven't found our answers.
And piece by piece, the powers that be try to rebuild their defenses...
I wish it could be easier to get what I feel, well, maybe it's just better this way. This may be just a coincidence, but there's a lot of relationships crumbling around now. That's what I fear, that's what I use to haunt me, so I can keep myself scared and offer shelter, and then hold me as my own prisoner, prisoner of this false security room I created.
In the end it just happens that I am the child disguising in this body, hiding from the darkness I cast around as my mind. I am the silent darkness and also the dimming light, in an endless pursuit that I don't know if should end, but is now confused with the bright light that still watches all that goes by.
Risks... I've made an entire system that works in a way to prevent me from taking risks... and as of now, I'm not sure if that was a bad thing.
There's a multitude of things I buried. For the best, I said. Once again, bruising to save.
It was a long walk and this is still shrieking in my head, they say you have to be damn strong to admit your weaknesses. I was once told I was strong, I wish I could feel it was true. As I wish I could trust someone and know that I'm also trusted. As a girl on the roof once said, someone who gives you good morning when you wake up and good night when you go to sleep, without any kind of obligation. Someone to hug without thinking about anything else that happens around, someone that passes the hand through your hair and makes you calm, and isn't afraid of all the evil things you carry inside, because for this one person you can control it. Someone for whom you could make the most gigantic effort and if you managed to get one sincere smile, at least one, then it was worth it all. There's no words that can express what calmness these thoughts induce. As there's nothing that can said or written, that describes how does it feel to be in a dark afternoon, in silence, watching the rain fall, together.
I can't really tell what love is, to me, the me that aims for safety, it feels more like a need to have a slave, someone who does everything to make you happy, I can't lie and say I never thought about it like that, but then comes these images of also trying to do the best I can for this one person, even if I have to dig really deep in order to find something worthy of being offered.
There's this dreamy side that says that perhaps it's trying to look at the stars and feeling that the other person is also there, like those stars could connect both through their eyes.
Or, doing whatever you can in order to make that person happy, even if it doesn't get back to you. I'm not sure on this one, it hurts like hell...
It's sad to see that at the end of our roads, we haven't found our answers.
And piece by piece, the powers that be try to rebuild their defenses...
quinta-feira, 11 de março de 2010
Light and Darkness, part 2
I could say that there was light once. That wouldn't be a lie, in part. There always was, and there is now, aside from this shining one that watches us as we watch it. I just preferred not to see it, I was already told that I try to make things too complicated, too dramatic. Then, that's it, I ignored the dimming light that was still holding it's last stand.
To ignore. That's the point.
One of the main controllers for the eternal night was the lack of touch with some of the my human needs. It's no closed secret for those that got around for some time already, that I despise the human nature. I dislike this dependancy, this weakness. Yet I search it.
For a long time these beings that live blinded by the night have been seeking for something that could understand them, something that felt their pain, not something that could treat them as martyrs, they don't suffer that much, they don't have that much to tell, they just look for something that can be equal to them, yet being different. By intensifying the darkness and ignoring what they felt, the powers that be took these beings into a hole where they can't get out, because they actually don't want to. There's nothing out there for them, it's wrong... but they are so sure of it.
There are so many strange things going on inside... but I need those that can understand this to think further. It's not just suffering what they've met, we are no victims, at least not full time victims. You've been dragged so far, now it is time to walk with your feet.
The lack of touch wasn't purely internal, it isn't in fact. Though not as much as Mr. Morgan, though those are fantasized happenings, there is a bizarre lack of connection with those outside the darkness. It can be a lack of interest, or simply the unability to understand the outer ones. Not only understanding, but interacting. There simply doesn't happen to be a necessity of interacting the way the outer ones interact, at many times we happen to be just shallow carapaces, watching existance.
Is that an advantage? Is it good to be this different? I can think all day and all night and there won't be an answer. I can't believe this light will teach these beings to behave like those out of these lands. In the end this light is just an spectator.
And I can't get out of here. I don't want to. I'm afraid.
And even by being what they say it's dark and evil, I carry what they say it's pretty and innocent. And these are not masks... and I hate it.
In the end perhaps there is no mask, there's just a hollow being that is too much and nothing at the same time. And perhaps you should stop walking toward the truth.
To ignore. That's the point.
One of the main controllers for the eternal night was the lack of touch with some of the my human needs. It's no closed secret for those that got around for some time already, that I despise the human nature. I dislike this dependancy, this weakness. Yet I search it.
For a long time these beings that live blinded by the night have been seeking for something that could understand them, something that felt their pain, not something that could treat them as martyrs, they don't suffer that much, they don't have that much to tell, they just look for something that can be equal to them, yet being different. By intensifying the darkness and ignoring what they felt, the powers that be took these beings into a hole where they can't get out, because they actually don't want to. There's nothing out there for them, it's wrong... but they are so sure of it.
There are so many strange things going on inside... but I need those that can understand this to think further. It's not just suffering what they've met, we are no victims, at least not full time victims. You've been dragged so far, now it is time to walk with your feet.
The lack of touch wasn't purely internal, it isn't in fact. Though not as much as Mr. Morgan, though those are fantasized happenings, there is a bizarre lack of connection with those outside the darkness. It can be a lack of interest, or simply the unability to understand the outer ones. Not only understanding, but interacting. There simply doesn't happen to be a necessity of interacting the way the outer ones interact, at many times we happen to be just shallow carapaces, watching existance.
Is that an advantage? Is it good to be this different? I can think all day and all night and there won't be an answer. I can't believe this light will teach these beings to behave like those out of these lands. In the end this light is just an spectator.
And I can't get out of here. I don't want to. I'm afraid.
And even by being what they say it's dark and evil, I carry what they say it's pretty and innocent. And these are not masks... and I hate it.
In the end perhaps there is no mask, there's just a hollow being that is too much and nothing at the same time. And perhaps you should stop walking toward the truth.
quarta-feira, 10 de março de 2010
Light and Darkness, part 1
It seems like once again I can't sleep. These stupid thoughts can't get out of my head, I don't like them. I want my calm cold world back. I want it back.
I must not fear because fear is the destroyer of minds. It is right? I see this figure in front of me, it says it is, it tries to guide me. But I don't know if I can trust in what I created. What is it that calls me when I'm most fragile?
I give a thousand names to all these characters but in the end it's all between me and myself. I don't want to try again. Because I'm a coward, I guess that is why. It won't be long before all structures crumble down. I can't hold it and neither can you, at least while I'm around. So it's better to never create it.
This ain't the real thing yet, I just felt like throwing these things away before starting. The only way to face fear is to admit it.
Why does my head shows me these things? I can see how everything seems to end and it's always a bleak ending. Existance seems meaningless to the point I feel like risking it all in order to give an end to it. I want it to go away, and then we won't have to rehash it over and over.
I was told once that becoming what fears them is the key to never fearing anything anymore. And I gave my best efforts into it, though I failed, but I need you to see this in order to understand what may come next, some things should have never seen the light of day.
I can't deceive the light that comes to shine in a land where the silent night has taken over, even though I fear what it can do, even though I shall respond to fear with a towering hammer that aims to annihilate all that tries to change the way things are. I fear but at the same time I'm interested, I'm curious about it, I need to see what is this light, why does it shine so beautifully, why isn't it afraid of all the terrors that wander in these lands.
Then I end doing nothing but admiring it, I'm not coming close to it, I won't taint it. And at the same time I think it would be better for it to go away, I wish it stays. Because being in here makes it even more bright, and it gives hope to all these beings that hate being blind by it's shine.
Those who already managed to look at it without frowning or hurting their eyes now wait for something miraculous to happen. But it won't, and the powers that be will do everything to protect their minions. Perhaps it was better to remain in darkness.
Perhaps...
I must not fear because fear is the destroyer of minds. It is right? I see this figure in front of me, it says it is, it tries to guide me. But I don't know if I can trust in what I created. What is it that calls me when I'm most fragile?
I give a thousand names to all these characters but in the end it's all between me and myself. I don't want to try again. Because I'm a coward, I guess that is why. It won't be long before all structures crumble down. I can't hold it and neither can you, at least while I'm around. So it's better to never create it.
This ain't the real thing yet, I just felt like throwing these things away before starting. The only way to face fear is to admit it.
Why does my head shows me these things? I can see how everything seems to end and it's always a bleak ending. Existance seems meaningless to the point I feel like risking it all in order to give an end to it. I want it to go away, and then we won't have to rehash it over and over.
I was told once that becoming what fears them is the key to never fearing anything anymore. And I gave my best efforts into it, though I failed, but I need you to see this in order to understand what may come next, some things should have never seen the light of day.
I can't deceive the light that comes to shine in a land where the silent night has taken over, even though I fear what it can do, even though I shall respond to fear with a towering hammer that aims to annihilate all that tries to change the way things are. I fear but at the same time I'm interested, I'm curious about it, I need to see what is this light, why does it shine so beautifully, why isn't it afraid of all the terrors that wander in these lands.
Then I end doing nothing but admiring it, I'm not coming close to it, I won't taint it. And at the same time I think it would be better for it to go away, I wish it stays. Because being in here makes it even more bright, and it gives hope to all these beings that hate being blind by it's shine.
Those who already managed to look at it without frowning or hurting their eyes now wait for something miraculous to happen. But it won't, and the powers that be will do everything to protect their minions. Perhaps it was better to remain in darkness.
Perhaps...
domingo, 7 de março de 2010
Embrace
So, here we are again.
Yep, we really are.
I'm not sure if I want to delve into darkness again...
You can't choose, if you don't do it, you will stay here forever, wanna stay here forever?
No.
Then you'll have to face it.
But I'm afraid.
We all are, no matter what we say.
I just wish these glances of hope came more often...
Well if they did you won't give them as much importance as you give.
Why the fuck do I feel so lonely?
Perhaps because inside you decided to be lonely.
That's not true.
I didn't say it was.
Hey man.
What?
It's raining.
Wow, REALLY?!
Yep, we really are.
I'm not sure if I want to delve into darkness again...
You can't choose, if you don't do it, you will stay here forever, wanna stay here forever?
No.
Then you'll have to face it.
But I'm afraid.
We all are, no matter what we say.
I just wish these glances of hope came more often...
Well if they did you won't give them as much importance as you give.
Why the fuck do I feel so lonely?
Perhaps because inside you decided to be lonely.
That's not true.
I didn't say it was.
Hey man.
What?
It's raining.
Wow, REALLY?!
sexta-feira, 5 de março de 2010
Need
I'm again at the rain. Though not physically. I've refused to make further progress, that's a fact. I still remember the music that playied at that girl's place. It was so calm, now and then it tries to pave it's way inside my mind. Now it competes with the sound of the rain falling, but I'm happy with this.
Another cycle ending. This one... well it doesn't really matter does it? Maybe it's not so good to wonder about the day that has ended, we should just go ahead. But I have to admit I don't want to go ahead. For now all I want is someone to talk to during this rain. Preferably under the rain, gotta work on that, we have to find a place where it's safe to talk under the rain. It's good, it's calm.
Every human has it's ways into being self-sufficient right? I need to find a way into creating calmness for myself. Or maybe I don't have to, that would be just another worry I'd be throwing at myself.
A tree branch has just fallen, nearby, I believe. It's an interesting sound. Looks so noisy yet so silent at the middle of the night. I need to do something.
Family is back at home, the first moments weren't much what one would expect, I really felt like I was better before. But if there is people I need to learn to deal with, these are at the top of the list. I just feel like I'm not like them, because, well, I don't really see this urge to interact, I prefer to stay at my place, we just do the common things and that's about it. But lately I've been getting really upset at them for ridiculous reasons. Well, it's mainly one reason, I don't like to be bothered when I'm thinking in my own little world. And recently, I've been inside it a lot. I don't know, I don't miss them most of the times they are away, and they say they miss me, I wonder, how? How do they do that? I really need to worry less about things, so I'm not going to say I need to learn how to miss them, perhaps this is just my nature, being okay in being most of the time by myself. That doesn't make me a bad person right? Okay, that was just a random question, I'm not gonna start worrying about it.
But it really seems like I've came with some kind of defect. It really does. Or perhaps that's an advantage. Who knows.
Maybe I should just talk about what I think, show 'em who I really am. It's funny because most of the times I think about doing this I have these images in my head. Not very positive images, I must say. ''Hey guys, this is me, I don't really miss you and such, and sometimes I feel like I'm better alone, but hey, you're cool''. But the mere thought of not saying these things because that would somehow hurt them is already a sign that I'm not a cold wall toward them. So, yeah, it could be worse.
I could sleep in here, if that was possible. Well, it is possible, but that would be truly not good.
I wish it was easier to get the car and just go around, enjoy this fine rainy night we are having. That would be awesome.
Thinking about it, it's somewhat of a contradiction, all of a this. I don't like people, still I feel like needing them. Well, somewhat like that, I'm not really caring about the full meaning of what's being written, perhaps it's the time. Or perhaps I'm just tired for some reason. What do I really want...
I would like a milkshake now. I feel like my body is getting used to this discomfort, amazing isn't it? So now I'm torn upon two main wishes. And going for one slays the other. Guess I'll take the easier path and watch both die. Is there any one awake right now thinking about these things? I know it possible, we have so much people right. But I feel like it's impossible, who cares.
I didn't want to sleep, but it seems like the only way out.
Another cycle ending. This one... well it doesn't really matter does it? Maybe it's not so good to wonder about the day that has ended, we should just go ahead. But I have to admit I don't want to go ahead. For now all I want is someone to talk to during this rain. Preferably under the rain, gotta work on that, we have to find a place where it's safe to talk under the rain. It's good, it's calm.
Every human has it's ways into being self-sufficient right? I need to find a way into creating calmness for myself. Or maybe I don't have to, that would be just another worry I'd be throwing at myself.
A tree branch has just fallen, nearby, I believe. It's an interesting sound. Looks so noisy yet so silent at the middle of the night. I need to do something.
Family is back at home, the first moments weren't much what one would expect, I really felt like I was better before. But if there is people I need to learn to deal with, these are at the top of the list. I just feel like I'm not like them, because, well, I don't really see this urge to interact, I prefer to stay at my place, we just do the common things and that's about it. But lately I've been getting really upset at them for ridiculous reasons. Well, it's mainly one reason, I don't like to be bothered when I'm thinking in my own little world. And recently, I've been inside it a lot. I don't know, I don't miss them most of the times they are away, and they say they miss me, I wonder, how? How do they do that? I really need to worry less about things, so I'm not going to say I need to learn how to miss them, perhaps this is just my nature, being okay in being most of the time by myself. That doesn't make me a bad person right? Okay, that was just a random question, I'm not gonna start worrying about it.
But it really seems like I've came with some kind of defect. It really does. Or perhaps that's an advantage. Who knows.
Maybe I should just talk about what I think, show 'em who I really am. It's funny because most of the times I think about doing this I have these images in my head. Not very positive images, I must say. ''Hey guys, this is me, I don't really miss you and such, and sometimes I feel like I'm better alone, but hey, you're cool''. But the mere thought of not saying these things because that would somehow hurt them is already a sign that I'm not a cold wall toward them. So, yeah, it could be worse.
I could sleep in here, if that was possible. Well, it is possible, but that would be truly not good.
I wish it was easier to get the car and just go around, enjoy this fine rainy night we are having. That would be awesome.
Thinking about it, it's somewhat of a contradiction, all of a this. I don't like people, still I feel like needing them. Well, somewhat like that, I'm not really caring about the full meaning of what's being written, perhaps it's the time. Or perhaps I'm just tired for some reason. What do I really want...
I would like a milkshake now. I feel like my body is getting used to this discomfort, amazing isn't it? So now I'm torn upon two main wishes. And going for one slays the other. Guess I'll take the easier path and watch both die. Is there any one awake right now thinking about these things? I know it possible, we have so much people right. But I feel like it's impossible, who cares.
I didn't want to sleep, but it seems like the only way out.
quinta-feira, 4 de março de 2010
All for one
I wish I could teach you something, like, I don't know, something I knew that you didn't knew that could change your life. Even though it wasn't one hell of a change. But I guess I'm not the one for the job. I'm just a passer-by, watching dreams unfold and the clash between life and death.
I've had many names so far, and perhaps that shows my evading behavior, or maybe it just means that I found all those names nice and fitting. I guess it's both. I've never found a name that perfectly suited me, a way to call me for the eternity. I've passed through many places, receiving the name I deserved for my acting on each respective place. If I'm proud of all these names? Well, yes, each name is an achievement, be it good or bad. I was something.
It's a warped story, and the end isn't drawing near, but sometimes we have to get some rest, take a nap or just sit somewhere we feel it's safe, somewhere we feel it's our place for calmness.
I've seen happiness and sadness walk together, sadness always taking the stage more, but happiness did it's job outstandingly well the few times it got to act. I was there as mysteries unveiled and strange things became normal.
I am the child sitting in a stair with a chocolate box in it's lap.
I am the ravaging outlaw that beheads guards at the city's main bridge.
I am the murderer of the psychopath that hunt us down.
I am the one who runs away from disaster in a world with gray skies and roller coasters.
I am the gray demon that ceases life in a small town.
I am the successor of the man in fine clothes at the dark room with red lights and a black book.
I am the one who fights the red paper dude bringing terror to school.
I am the one who saves his loved one from the fat evil man.
I am the one who uses his recently discovered ice magic to save his family.
I am the one who gets shot and laughs.
I am the young one craving for adventure.
I am one of the survivors in a post-apocalyptic world.
And all these show that I'm just a dreamer walking through this world, nothing more than that.
I've had many names so far, and perhaps that shows my evading behavior, or maybe it just means that I found all those names nice and fitting. I guess it's both. I've never found a name that perfectly suited me, a way to call me for the eternity. I've passed through many places, receiving the name I deserved for my acting on each respective place. If I'm proud of all these names? Well, yes, each name is an achievement, be it good or bad. I was something.
It's a warped story, and the end isn't drawing near, but sometimes we have to get some rest, take a nap or just sit somewhere we feel it's safe, somewhere we feel it's our place for calmness.
I've seen happiness and sadness walk together, sadness always taking the stage more, but happiness did it's job outstandingly well the few times it got to act. I was there as mysteries unveiled and strange things became normal.
I am the child sitting in a stair with a chocolate box in it's lap.
I am the ravaging outlaw that beheads guards at the city's main bridge.
I am the murderer of the psychopath that hunt us down.
I am the one who runs away from disaster in a world with gray skies and roller coasters.
I am the gray demon that ceases life in a small town.
I am the successor of the man in fine clothes at the dark room with red lights and a black book.
I am the one who fights the red paper dude bringing terror to school.
I am the one who saves his loved one from the fat evil man.
I am the one who uses his recently discovered ice magic to save his family.
I am the one who gets shot and laughs.
I am the young one craving for adventure.
I am one of the survivors in a post-apocalyptic world.
And all these show that I'm just a dreamer walking through this world, nothing more than that.
quarta-feira, 3 de março de 2010
Early morning
Already awake?
Yeah... I woke up earlier today, like... 1 hour and 14 minutes ago...
Terrorized by thoughts induced yesterday?
Not really, I guess. Perhaps it was just the heat, or thirst, or worried about losing the time for doing what they asked to do before 8 a.m.
You took like, 2 minutes to do that.
Yep...
You could have slept again, you have slept less than 5 hours this night, and last night you already slept badly.
Ah, it wasn't bad. And I feel quite okay now.
Whatever you wish...
So, what's the plan for this morning?
I can think of none...
So, you're just going to stay awake for the sake of it?
That's what we and most people do, most of the time, isn't it?
Well... yes.... but...
So, we'll be doing it until something else comes crashing out of thin air.
Alright.
So, it's been 5 minutes already, nothing crashed?
Absolutely nothing. But I can see that maybe the sun is trying to show up, fucking bastard.
Aside from that, it's a pretty morning, cloudy, and a nice breeze, though far from the dreamy cold morning.
We'll get to that, just wait and see.
I'm sure we will, but while it's just a distant vision, wanna play a game?
What kind of game?
Something simple, we will only need to talk. Let's say, I ask you a question, you answer and then ask me another.
Wow, you really thought about it before coming with this idea?
Well, it's better than listening to our hair grow. More over, we can add a bonus to it.
Bonus? Will we, compete for a prize or something like that?
No, but once one of us answers a lie, there will be consequences.
What...?! How can one know if the other lied?
Glad you asked, I recently bought this machine here, and it's lie-proof. Every lie you tell it will make a beep, then give you one hell of a shock, then burn your hands.
Do I get to choose whether I want to play or not?
Glad you also asked that, unless you come up with something better to do, no.
Great.
So, what's the scientific name for the norwegian forest cat?
What?! OUCH!
See? Lie-proof.
This hurts like hell, and what the heck was that question?
Well, a simple question.
Who in the early moments of their calm morning will come up with answers to crap like that?
You should come up. It's safer.
That's just plain stupid, we can keep on asking each other questions beyond reality the whole morning just for the sake of killing each other.
Not if you had answered it right.
That's ridiculous, I'm not playing this if we are going just for stupid questions.
Alright, alright. So what are we supposed to ask?
Things we don't know but perhaps the other knows.
Like, why are you getting so upset at everything lately?
...
Come on, answer it, and be cautious.
I don't know, perhaps it's because in my head things are disintegrating as time goes by.
What kind of things?
Relationships, future, these things.
Further explanation?
...
What are you doing? You're supposed to answer speaking, not writing. ''What... am I... supposed... to ans... wer?'', ah well. Well... answer what do you mean by relationships disintegrating.
It's just that the people seem to be getting far and far now, internal struggles, ominous desires, lack of trust, that kind of shit.
I don't think you're allowed to say that so early in the day.
I've already said. My turn. What time is it right now?
Hm... 9:30 a.m.? AW! That's not fair, we had agreed in...
I just had to have it back at you, nothing personal. So, say something you hate about people?
Hm... I hate the way people talk about their ideas as if they were universal truths. This way they speak as if they actually owned some part of reality.
A thing you like about people?
They die.
The thing you've most been thinking of?
...About her. Okay, fuck this stupid game, I don't know why I came up with this stupid idea.
Ah, I was just getting started!
It's a silly game, let's watch the sun fighting it's way out of the clouds.
Okay, but you have to admit I defeated you in your own game.
This wasn't a competitive game.
That's what sore losers say.
Just go get us some cereal.
Not until you admiiiit.
So, we won't eat today.
Looks good to me.
Yeah... I woke up earlier today, like... 1 hour and 14 minutes ago...
Terrorized by thoughts induced yesterday?
Not really, I guess. Perhaps it was just the heat, or thirst, or worried about losing the time for doing what they asked to do before 8 a.m.
You took like, 2 minutes to do that.
Yep...
You could have slept again, you have slept less than 5 hours this night, and last night you already slept badly.
Ah, it wasn't bad. And I feel quite okay now.
Whatever you wish...
So, what's the plan for this morning?
I can think of none...
So, you're just going to stay awake for the sake of it?
That's what we and most people do, most of the time, isn't it?
Well... yes.... but...
So, we'll be doing it until something else comes crashing out of thin air.
Alright.
So, it's been 5 minutes already, nothing crashed?
Absolutely nothing. But I can see that maybe the sun is trying to show up, fucking bastard.
Aside from that, it's a pretty morning, cloudy, and a nice breeze, though far from the dreamy cold morning.
We'll get to that, just wait and see.
I'm sure we will, but while it's just a distant vision, wanna play a game?
What kind of game?
Something simple, we will only need to talk. Let's say, I ask you a question, you answer and then ask me another.
Wow, you really thought about it before coming with this idea?
Well, it's better than listening to our hair grow. More over, we can add a bonus to it.
Bonus? Will we, compete for a prize or something like that?
No, but once one of us answers a lie, there will be consequences.
What...?! How can one know if the other lied?
Glad you asked, I recently bought this machine here, and it's lie-proof. Every lie you tell it will make a beep, then give you one hell of a shock, then burn your hands.
Do I get to choose whether I want to play or not?
Glad you also asked that, unless you come up with something better to do, no.
Great.
So, what's the scientific name for the norwegian forest cat?
What?! OUCH!
See? Lie-proof.
This hurts like hell, and what the heck was that question?
Well, a simple question.
Who in the early moments of their calm morning will come up with answers to crap like that?
You should come up. It's safer.
That's just plain stupid, we can keep on asking each other questions beyond reality the whole morning just for the sake of killing each other.
Not if you had answered it right.
That's ridiculous, I'm not playing this if we are going just for stupid questions.
Alright, alright. So what are we supposed to ask?
Things we don't know but perhaps the other knows.
Like, why are you getting so upset at everything lately?
...
Come on, answer it, and be cautious.
I don't know, perhaps it's because in my head things are disintegrating as time goes by.
What kind of things?
Relationships, future, these things.
Further explanation?
...
What are you doing? You're supposed to answer speaking, not writing. ''What... am I... supposed... to ans... wer?'', ah well. Well... answer what do you mean by relationships disintegrating.
It's just that the people seem to be getting far and far now, internal struggles, ominous desires, lack of trust, that kind of shit.
I don't think you're allowed to say that so early in the day.
I've already said. My turn. What time is it right now?
Hm... 9:30 a.m.? AW! That's not fair, we had agreed in...
I just had to have it back at you, nothing personal. So, say something you hate about people?
Hm... I hate the way people talk about their ideas as if they were universal truths. This way they speak as if they actually owned some part of reality.
A thing you like about people?
They die.
The thing you've most been thinking of?
...About her. Okay, fuck this stupid game, I don't know why I came up with this stupid idea.
Ah, I was just getting started!
It's a silly game, let's watch the sun fighting it's way out of the clouds.
Okay, but you have to admit I defeated you in your own game.
This wasn't a competitive game.
That's what sore losers say.
Just go get us some cereal.
Not until you admiiiit.
So, we won't eat today.
Looks good to me.
Another cycle over
I'm not in the mood for trying to write another ficticious beginning, nor some happy story. That sucks, I guess. But, we all have our sucker days.
To be honest, the day wasn't bad. In fact, it was kinda cool at some points. Started like chaos, true that. We had some trouble here and there, lamps broken, noise and blasts, but then calmness came. Perhaps we had to destroy and go impulsive rage in order to get the good solution, perhaps. Got some wacky rain like no tomorrow, pretty good. I know it's dangerous as hell but I can't lie, I like it. Through the water traps in the road and the weirdness of the car's movements, I was smiling. That smile that is hard to control, I guess that's the one that comes from the inside, from what you really are. I guess that's not a good thing but... oh well.
Saw some people during the solution, kinda funny and all. Then problem solved, which was a good thing, now all we have to do is wait and see what they can do for us. Then lunch. THE lunch time, I know, it was late and all, I had food here, all I had to do was put it in a microwave oven and then, eat it. But, I preferred to go out. Well, at my side I have the fact that I didn't even remotely remember there was food at home, but there was no damage done anyway.
The food was good, there was this nice wind and some rain at the end of it. Some thoughts, probably movie induced. Maybe someday I invite a stranger someone to lunch with me, who knows what can happen right? Perhaps I find a very interesting person behind all that... let's say, poor desguise.
Then sweet lone castle. It was good, appointment made, all I have to do is wait a few weeks and then we'll solve another trouble.
Strange night came in, very strange I must say. At the end we managed to get the guys together, though it seems pretty weird now, I guess everyone has to take their way, that's life. It's strange to take a ''who cares'' position toward these things. But it wasn't all bad, there was milkshake and some talk. Anger inducing talk indeed, but, it's okay. I can live with it. If there was something we could do, someone would have already done it already, right? Still I believe that violence sometimes is useful, but that's okay.
Then we got some people in here leaving talks, that was good, I understand my motivations for leaving it open for conversations was bad, we'll get this fixed. The results were somewhat good, nonetheless.
So, another cycle is over. What have we gotten from this one? I believe that not very much, though it was fun in parts. You can't always win right? And you absolutely can't force yourself to win, this one is pretty weird but... well, who cares.
I now look at the lamp while listening to this sad song, well, perhaps your sacrifice was for the better, that's all we can say at this moment. It's weird to see that you can't discharge rage without destroying things. I believe there has to be somewhere you can destroy without harming anything. Well, it's possible...
Perhaps these last cycles won't be as powerful as we had planned it to be... we'll see. Tomorrow is a promising day, anyway.
I can't stop thinking about a few things, but that's okay since these things have been around for quite a long time and they don't seem to be leaving any soon. Too much worry? Guess so.
Perhaps the quest gets morphed into a quest for self-assurance. Gotta be ready for the worst.
I see myself wishing for stupid things, I don't like that. But it's not under my control yet, that positively sucks.
Perhaps being alone is the less harmful way, perhaps. It doesn't matter what they say, they know nothing right? Being alone is easier and also less harmful to both parts.
Walking through the night...
To be honest, the day wasn't bad. In fact, it was kinda cool at some points. Started like chaos, true that. We had some trouble here and there, lamps broken, noise and blasts, but then calmness came. Perhaps we had to destroy and go impulsive rage in order to get the good solution, perhaps. Got some wacky rain like no tomorrow, pretty good. I know it's dangerous as hell but I can't lie, I like it. Through the water traps in the road and the weirdness of the car's movements, I was smiling. That smile that is hard to control, I guess that's the one that comes from the inside, from what you really are. I guess that's not a good thing but... oh well.
Saw some people during the solution, kinda funny and all. Then problem solved, which was a good thing, now all we have to do is wait and see what they can do for us. Then lunch. THE lunch time, I know, it was late and all, I had food here, all I had to do was put it in a microwave oven and then, eat it. But, I preferred to go out. Well, at my side I have the fact that I didn't even remotely remember there was food at home, but there was no damage done anyway.
The food was good, there was this nice wind and some rain at the end of it. Some thoughts, probably movie induced. Maybe someday I invite a stranger someone to lunch with me, who knows what can happen right? Perhaps I find a very interesting person behind all that... let's say, poor desguise.
Then sweet lone castle. It was good, appointment made, all I have to do is wait a few weeks and then we'll solve another trouble.
Strange night came in, very strange I must say. At the end we managed to get the guys together, though it seems pretty weird now, I guess everyone has to take their way, that's life. It's strange to take a ''who cares'' position toward these things. But it wasn't all bad, there was milkshake and some talk. Anger inducing talk indeed, but, it's okay. I can live with it. If there was something we could do, someone would have already done it already, right? Still I believe that violence sometimes is useful, but that's okay.
Then we got some people in here leaving talks, that was good, I understand my motivations for leaving it open for conversations was bad, we'll get this fixed. The results were somewhat good, nonetheless.
So, another cycle is over. What have we gotten from this one? I believe that not very much, though it was fun in parts. You can't always win right? And you absolutely can't force yourself to win, this one is pretty weird but... well, who cares.
I now look at the lamp while listening to this sad song, well, perhaps your sacrifice was for the better, that's all we can say at this moment. It's weird to see that you can't discharge rage without destroying things. I believe there has to be somewhere you can destroy without harming anything. Well, it's possible...
Perhaps these last cycles won't be as powerful as we had planned it to be... we'll see. Tomorrow is a promising day, anyway.
I can't stop thinking about a few things, but that's okay since these things have been around for quite a long time and they don't seem to be leaving any soon. Too much worry? Guess so.
Perhaps the quest gets morphed into a quest for self-assurance. Gotta be ready for the worst.
I see myself wishing for stupid things, I don't like that. But it's not under my control yet, that positively sucks.
Perhaps being alone is the less harmful way, perhaps. It doesn't matter what they say, they know nothing right? Being alone is easier and also less harmful to both parts.
Walking through the night...
segunda-feira, 1 de março de 2010
Outside the castle
I can see that you're doing your best to hold your demons, my friend. But that's not enough.
I know.
We've come to a very strange point indeed, but we knew that somewhere in this quest we would have to delve into this darkness. It won't be easy, and I'm sure you already knew that. You'll need to do much more than just keeping your inner demons quiet, perhaps you'll have to use them at our advantage.
I see.
You're too quiet now, we can't get in if you're not feeling like it, that would be certain death.
Have you ever came to a point where everything seems lost?
What do you mean?
It's like, this place had a soundtrack. Like the walls or these ivys shared something with us through an imaginary music. It's like the mere existance of this castle makes the world rot, second after second. I don't know if it's just me, perhaps because I'm the one chosen for the quest, but I didn't ask to be the one. But... can't you see this despair?
I sense darkness all around this place, and even more at the heart of this place. The ground zero of all mess.
Good, so I ain't the only one...
But we are still here. So, there can still be salvation.
Yes...
It's also beautiful...
What?
This... loss...
What are you talking about?
You see, there's despair and emptiness echoing around. But this silence is somewhat compelling. There's something in these gray walls, not even vultures or bats fly over these skies. It's like the place agony has chosen to remain.
Then this time you're alone, this morbid vision is something totally devoid of beauty for me.
Even the wind seems to be carrying despair. Whispering words of sadness as we walk to the main gate. Isn't the main gate a very obvious entrance? Aren't we easy targets over there?
Just by being here, we have left the quality of easy targets. Whatever is inside, knows it's preys wouldn't bear being near this place. Somehow, the safest place in these lands is closer to danger.
But I feel like it knows we are here.
I'm sure it does, but it just doesn't know how to react to our presence, no one ever came this close.
I can hear a million tormented souls asking us to go away...
We have past the walls, we walked to this gate, do you really feel like turning back now?
I feel nothing. There's something with this place that haunts and amazes me. How can a place so forgotten still remain strong? Shouldn't these gray stone walls be down after all these years?
I don't know why. But we must go inside.
Farewell, despair.
I know.
We've come to a very strange point indeed, but we knew that somewhere in this quest we would have to delve into this darkness. It won't be easy, and I'm sure you already knew that. You'll need to do much more than just keeping your inner demons quiet, perhaps you'll have to use them at our advantage.
I see.
You're too quiet now, we can't get in if you're not feeling like it, that would be certain death.
Have you ever came to a point where everything seems lost?
What do you mean?
It's like, this place had a soundtrack. Like the walls or these ivys shared something with us through an imaginary music. It's like the mere existance of this castle makes the world rot, second after second. I don't know if it's just me, perhaps because I'm the one chosen for the quest, but I didn't ask to be the one. But... can't you see this despair?
I sense darkness all around this place, and even more at the heart of this place. The ground zero of all mess.
Good, so I ain't the only one...
But we are still here. So, there can still be salvation.
Yes...
It's also beautiful...
What?
This... loss...
What are you talking about?
You see, there's despair and emptiness echoing around. But this silence is somewhat compelling. There's something in these gray walls, not even vultures or bats fly over these skies. It's like the place agony has chosen to remain.
Then this time you're alone, this morbid vision is something totally devoid of beauty for me.
Even the wind seems to be carrying despair. Whispering words of sadness as we walk to the main gate. Isn't the main gate a very obvious entrance? Aren't we easy targets over there?
Just by being here, we have left the quality of easy targets. Whatever is inside, knows it's preys wouldn't bear being near this place. Somehow, the safest place in these lands is closer to danger.
But I feel like it knows we are here.
I'm sure it does, but it just doesn't know how to react to our presence, no one ever came this close.
I can hear a million tormented souls asking us to go away...
We have past the walls, we walked to this gate, do you really feel like turning back now?
I feel nothing. There's something with this place that haunts and amazes me. How can a place so forgotten still remain strong? Shouldn't these gray stone walls be down after all these years?
I don't know why. But we must go inside.
Farewell, despair.
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