Let's get this straight

We're alive.
We're still alive.
Alive and not kicking much ass, though.
Well, we breath... that suffices. Better than not even being in the game.
We aren't in the game, man.
But we can come back.
...
Giving up on trying is the first step to failure.
I know, right?
How could any of us not know it?
Yeah...


Repeat until you believe it, this is not a drill.
This is for real.
And I am not scared.
Come what may.
Fall who stands.
I will be the fucking light.


Don't be afraid of the dark.
The darkness loves you.


And even though I walk guarded by a vast array of angels, I am still not up to the fight. And perhaps I'll never be.


The situation is: there is no motivation.
I still stand strong at the gym, I'm working out quite well I guess. That's pretty much the only thing I'm being able to hold.
I don't work very much.
I don't have much topics to talk many times.
I am having some huge surges of instability.
I still have a lot of taboos to face.
This is not going very well. The daily reports are going down the drain and I feel like I should sleep. I feel like I wanted or should sleep most of the time but I have so many things to do, and sometimes nightmares wake me up. My emotions are running in strange circles, and I am mostly feeling cheerful then angry then sad, rinse repeat. I feel a brutal lack of company in the sense of having some sort of partner that believes me. I am depositing some sort of affective dependancy on Rias, an anime character. I am aware of the ridiculousness of it, but I am not being able to look anywhere else. Still conscious. Having some troubles related to social issues, mostly shyness-related. A bizarre craving for a hug has shown up a few weeks ago and hasn't left yet.
Everything is fine, the problem is just inside my head.
I can manage that.
I am the closest to my weakest, so it's only natural that I feel like having a companion to cross this dark alley would be much better, but I'm quite sure that's not an option.
There are no options.

Either you fucking cross, or you fucking explode.

The mysterious Moonstar

–I am...
–Huh?
–Sorry. I underestimated you, it may not even be that complex.
–Well, that's... okay, I guess. But... can we go to the answers?
–Sure.
You look around slightly, a shy smile takes your face unconsciously.
–It could be said that I, as this place, belong to you.
–...What do you mean?
–We're just a part of your head. As in... we are inside your head.
–Just my imagination then... I must be daydreaming a lot.
–Maybe, it's hard to explain that part but you... daydream a lot, and sometimes, you create things unconsciously, yet there is a notion of what's going on.
–I see...
–That was easier than I expected actually.
The answer makes you feel a bit uneasy. A bit... disappointed perhaps. But there's still that shine, looking at you, and at the stars.
–So... if you are just part of my imagination, can we speak about something? Or will it be just me speaking to myself?
–You can choose. I've accumulated knowledge over a lot of things.
–Like...?
–You can choose, we can speak about music, places in the world, the real world I mean...
–I don't know many places in the real world, didn't travel all that much, so we wouldn't have much to talk.
–But I can tell you about some places that you might find interesting.
–Ahn... places like...?
–The Waitomo Caves, they are really beautiful, and since you like watching the stars, it could be even more of a unique experience.
–Wai...tomo? Caves?
–New Zealand.
The head moves calmly to the left, you can witness a smile on the face. It feels almost as if... it cared for you.
–I have never even read about those.
–Then you will have to imagine how pretty they are, and that can be very pleasant.
–How can you tell me about something I don't know, if you are a part of me?
–Oh...
You move one step backwards, trying to focus your eyes at the hands. Just to make sure.
–I thought you remembered.
–I'm afraid I don't.
–Do you remember earlier days, when you were just a child? More than now, you boasted imagination. There were some entities you created inside your head to accompany you while you logged things you saw through the world.
Remember when you were younger, way younger...
–I guess I... remember a little.
–I know you do, it feels almost like recent times, but with a less self-punishing attitude. You just imagined and played along.
–Sure, but... what of it?
The head turns around, glancing at the endless horizon. You feel like the ground changes colors, but the shine just dims a little bit.
You can see the long hair, sparkly, caressing the air around it. The face looks strange, as it becomes easier to view it. The face looks like that of a woman.
–Some entities were there to help you, others to challenge.
The voice now seems unfitting with the face.
You remember not being a very calm child. You used to stay most of the time alone, playing games. Playing with other children was nice, but videogames always topped it. And your patience wasn't something to be proud of.
–You are remembering.
She smiled.
–I'm... afraid I still don't see the point.
–Do you remember math classes? Please don't get angry at the suspense...
–...After all you are a part of me. Sounds fitting.
Can you remember?

A different type of sickness

'Ello, kiddo.
Don't look away, come on. You know I'm here to stay.


I'm not sure whether should I write negative or positive things. I feel negative. But writing positive might make me better. I don't know. Perhaps just writing without thinking much will be better...
I thought today about a story between two entities that want somewhat opposite things but one has grown way too bitter to anything, and the other would like to help it, so, despite going on a quest for a very weird thing, it goes whole-heartedly for it.
Basically speaking that's about it. I still need to think a lot about it. Maybe that's the reason why I never finish anything. I think too much.
I've been revisiting past posts from two girls who wrote fantastically in the past. I wonder how the hell did they do that. I wish I had their power.
You see what I wish?
I wish to fucking disappear. Or at least go to another country and pretend things start anew. They say things can start anew as long as you feel like doing it. But I'm not good at it. I don't know how to change because change is always fucking radical and I basically fail at it.
I'm trying, I'm trying. But I'm still unstable. I am going very fast between begging for a hug and feeling like saying bad things to people just for the sake of saying, just because I know that they deserve anyway. We are all evil in a way or another.
The idea of justice is very weird.
Though I'd still accept the hug.


There is no Rias here to save you.
There is no one here to save you.
You are inside the pit, and I've waited for this moment for so long.


I stand devastated, but I am not defeated. I know this is not the darkest, this is not the night. This is a curious phase that can be taken down some way. I just don't know what way. Am I supposed to turn the back at people in order to win this time?
This is NOT Despair Heights. This is NOT the abyss.
What the fuck is this?
It can't be a joke like sex, not yet another joke.
You see, I depend on things to have a reason, if they don't I will make one for them.


I am all you ever wanted to be.
And the devil gave me wings.


I don't know what made you this way, but I won't go away.
I won't abandon you.

I know Rias is not real. But... the things she do.
I don't know anymore. Did that devastate me?


I come back for that story, between the girl, the boy and the butterfly. It's magnificent. I hope you don't bother if I tell it around, don't worry I have no intentions of taking credit for it.
At least rage makes it easy to lift weight.
I have been listening to the self-titled Slipknot album. After years shunning it, it started to make sense. What does that mean? I admit I don't comprehend the lyrics perfectly, but... it just feels right. I told her that her melancholy resonated in the songs she liked. That's not a bad thing, it's good to find things that seem to sympathize with us, but it won't make things go away. I can't say much, my resonance lies on mindless anger. Somehow it reminds me of the bad visions I had in my head and in my dreams.
I... I miss horror movies, when they made me feel afraid. I wanted to feel afraid again. It's funny because sometimes I get frightened by simple things, it depends on my mood.


And I know I won't write very frequently, and I don't know when will be the next time. So I'd really like to say "thank you so much" for the kind old man dressed as a clown that gave me a lollipop at the traffic light. That made me happy.
I kind of wonder how can you guys do these kinds of things?


I kind of wonder when will this dreadful feeling end. It sucks. But I still have conscience about it. I just hate that my efforts seem to be futile.
Is it control? Should I just abandon it?
Funny that I really would appreciate a hug now. No advices, no motivational speeches, no orders. Actually, silence. A hug with silence, one that won't let go so soon, so I can take the time to fully comprehend it. Not the evil silence that lurks around. Not the shadows that so seductively dwell around.
I think... that maybe, the world can go a light bit lighter? I know this ain't fun and games, but it has gone downright darkly. Is it why people seem to be losing their minds?
I can't scream. But I'm sure I can do much more damage than just scream. I can't threaten people. I'm just a dog chasing things. The free definitions roam around and I try to grab some, but I admit I grab those that seem to be shinier to my eyes. I need to find what really defines... I really need to find it. Then I will know what is a... me.


I recently discovered I kind of have an aversion to songs that aren't angry.
This is momentary.
I bet all souls that it is!


You know what I would like? Someone who could see the beauty I see in the things I find beautiful. I can't describe therefore the person has got to come with this eye ability straight out-of-the-box.
A hug would be nice too. But. Things go fuckin' crazy this side of the line.


And we must always be careful of what we wish.