'Ello, kiddo.
Don't look away, come on. You know I'm here to stay.
I'm not sure whether should I write negative or positive things. I feel negative. But writing positive might make me better. I don't know. Perhaps just writing without thinking much will be better...
I thought today about a story between two entities that want somewhat opposite things but one has grown way too bitter to anything, and the other would like to help it, so, despite going on a quest for a very weird thing, it goes whole-heartedly for it.
Basically speaking that's about it. I still need to think a lot about it. Maybe that's the reason why I never finish anything. I think too much.
I've been revisiting past posts from two girls who wrote fantastically in the past. I wonder how the hell did they do that. I wish I had their power.
You see what I wish?
I wish to fucking disappear. Or at least go to another country and pretend things start anew. They say things can start anew as long as you feel like doing it. But I'm not good at it. I don't know how to change because change is always fucking radical and I basically fail at it.
I'm trying, I'm trying. But I'm still unstable. I am going very fast between begging for a hug and feeling like saying bad things to people just for the sake of saying, just because I know that they deserve anyway. We are all evil in a way or another.
The idea of justice is very weird.
Though I'd still accept the hug.
There is no Rias here to save you.
There is no one here to save you.
You are inside the pit, and I've waited for this moment for so long.
I stand devastated, but I am not defeated. I know this is not the darkest, this is not the night. This is a curious phase that can be taken down some way. I just don't know what way. Am I supposed to turn the back at people in order to win this time?
This is NOT Despair Heights. This is NOT the abyss.
What the fuck is this?
It can't be a joke like sex, not yet another joke.
You see, I depend on things to have a reason, if they don't I will make one for them.
I am all you ever wanted to be.
And the devil gave me wings.
I don't know what made you this way, but I won't go away.
I won't abandon you.
I know Rias is not real. But... the things she do.
I don't know anymore. Did that devastate me?
I come back for that story, between the girl, the boy and the butterfly. It's magnificent. I hope you don't bother if I tell it around, don't worry I have no intentions of taking credit for it.
At least rage makes it easy to lift weight.
I have been listening to the self-titled Slipknot album. After years shunning it, it started to make sense. What does that mean? I admit I don't comprehend the lyrics perfectly, but... it just feels right. I told her that her melancholy resonated in the songs she liked. That's not a bad thing, it's good to find things that seem to sympathize with us, but it won't make things go away. I can't say much, my resonance lies on mindless anger. Somehow it reminds me of the bad visions I had in my head and in my dreams.
I... I miss horror movies, when they made me feel afraid. I wanted to feel afraid again. It's funny because sometimes I get frightened by simple things, it depends on my mood.
And I know I won't write very frequently, and I don't know when will be the next time. So I'd really like to say "thank you so much" for the kind old man dressed as a clown that gave me a lollipop at the traffic light. That made me happy.
I kind of wonder how can you guys do these kinds of things?
I kind of wonder when will this dreadful feeling end. It sucks. But I still have conscience about it. I just hate that my efforts seem to be futile.
Is it control? Should I just abandon it?
Funny that I really would appreciate a hug now. No advices, no motivational speeches, no orders. Actually, silence. A hug with silence, one that won't let go so soon, so I can take the time to fully comprehend it. Not the evil silence that lurks around. Not the shadows that so seductively dwell around.
I think... that maybe, the world can go a light bit lighter? I know this ain't fun and games, but it has gone downright darkly. Is it why people seem to be losing their minds?
I can't scream. But I'm sure I can do much more damage than just scream. I can't threaten people. I'm just a dog chasing things. The free definitions roam around and I try to grab some, but I admit I grab those that seem to be shinier to my eyes. I need to find what really defines... I really need to find it. Then I will know what is a... me.
I recently discovered I kind of have an aversion to songs that aren't angry.
This is momentary.
I bet all souls that it is!
You know what I would like? Someone who could see the beauty I see in the things I find beautiful. I can't describe therefore the person has got to come with this eye ability straight out-of-the-box.
A hug would be nice too. But. Things go fuckin' crazy this side of the line.
And we must always be careful of what we wish.
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