Beware the dream

Head keeps on blasting, gotta go sleep...
Just... don't let that dream come back, please.


The dream...
I don't really know how to start, but I was planning on not even touching that topic anyway, but maybe it's important. Maybe.
I just wonder, how ridiculous is it to be afraid or disturbed by a dream? It's not like when the evil beings chase you to death and then get to stab you at the end when you wake up screaming with your heart pumping, sweating cold in the middle of night. That's normal, and mostly doesn't last long anyway.
The problem is, I mean, seems to be. In fact, let's just jump from this analytical stage to something more ''rant-friendly''. The problem is when you wake up with your heart trying to explode, out of something good. It just won't stop, because you're not out of the dream yet, it's not about a life threat that surrounded you, because those things go away as soon as you come back. It's... a thing that should be sleeping. It's your heart pouding because you've just remembered you have a heart. Not the one that deals with blood, the fictional heart.
Looks like that dream was the final blow...
Because it's been long since I last felt that. And I'd rather keep that as a forgotten idea. For a long time I treated this feeling as a forbidden topic, and it worked because as years passed by, I forgot. And it helped me, it backed me up when it was time to dish people out of their arguments, because I was actually better alone. But then, she came.
Had I not slept that day, everything would be different and much more under control, but, damage is already done, crying over it won't help it in any possible way. We are screwed now, and we'll have to deal with it.
And I still can feel it...


I can remember the dream, not the visual parts since most is now blurry, and the thing that marked the most was the memory of having a heart, things that you can't explain logically. Stupid things.


How silly is it? 'Cause I don't even have a clue...
Well, let's see, I'll tell you and perhaps by treating the situation as an outsider you can tell me, alright?
Alright.
So, a pretty girl was there at your room, it was a bit dark...
It's always dark in that realm...
I don't care, so, it was dark, and it was a surprise for your, birthday. So, a surprise visit in a day that wasn't your birthday but was close to it, since probably during your birthday you would be busy.
Which is not quite very true but...
I haven't asked you anything. So, you get near her and you guys talk a bit about random things, at some parts you speak some other language out of the blue, and she understands it and you feel a bit stupid but you couldn't control it. So, you guys are really close and you hug and it feels weird because this girl seems to like you, and then you go walking through the streets talking about random things, you see her father and you speak a bit about work and, it's mostly that. So, how ridiculous does that sound?
I don't know, it looks good...
That was my point, case closed.

Under a sliced moon

So, what now?
Ah... just can't sleep.
Just like the good old times huh?
I wish so.
Hm... wanna play a game?
Sure, what game?
Well, I'm quite positive about you not thinking how beautiful this sliced moon is. Then, a dime for your thoughts?
Wow, that's quite cheap...
Haha, just an expression.
Yeah, I know you wouldn't give me anything for it anyway.
But, you accepted to play the game.
True, true.
So, albeit having such a big and pretty sliced moon shining in the sky, there's something wrong. What is it?
It's not wrong. It's just, sometimes, you get hunted down by the past...
I see, but don't you think it has been tracking you down quite fiercely?
Perhaps.
And what part of the yesterday terrorizes you?
It's not that I'm terrified of it, I guess terrorize is somewhat of an exaggeration...
Don't play fool.
Heh, ok. Why do people like me exist?
What...?!
Ah...
Well, that was quite random, I guess. But, why did you ask that?
Just wondering. Other people seem to be so much in touch with existance as it is, reality, you know? And for me... it's never enough. I miss things that never existed, and probably never will. So I can never be satisfied, what's the point of it then?
I don't know, guess you'll have to find it someday.
What if I don't find it?
Then maybe you didn't hunt it enough.
Ah... if I go out with my friends then I get sad as soon as it ends, and then I get to the thought that it wasn't the way it should be, because nothing is this weird way, there isn't this magic in reality. Then, I think about my dreams, where it's always dark, and it feels better, because having it that way feels like something different and great can happen. And... this sucks, because I can't explain...
Indeed...
Shit.
That's an incredible combination, ain't it?
Huh?
That strange feeling of never having reality providing something that feels sufficient, combined with your problem with extremes...
Don't tell me about it...
Well, at least we can still stare at our half moon, right?
Yeah, just look at it... do you believe in shooting stars?
You mean... the wish thing?
Yeah. I've never seen one.
Neither have I, but it just doesn't make sense to make a wish in case you see one.
Well, you never know right?
Ah, my boy, that's a question I'd rather not answer for you.
Aw, c'mon, why not?
Some things are better left this way. I'm going now, gotta sleep. Try not to pass the whole night awake, 'kay?
Aye, sir.


It's not a total loss, there's still this childish innocence to avoid the no holds barred situation that lives inside him.
That's a good sign, ain't it?
You bet.
So, you're really going to sleep now?
Not really, not sleepy at the time. What scares me is the thought that everytime he closes his eyes he remembers more and more. Perhaps we're walking toward the point in which his nightmarish dreams look better than reality.
What's the problem? It's just dreams...
The problem is that we don't know... anything.
So, he decides dreaming is better than being awake...
And then who knows what comes next?
Are dreams that good?
It depends, is reality that good for you?
Well, it is... normal, I guess. I've just gotta do my part and things will work out and, well, that's life.
You don't dream much, do you?
Just like normal people.
Last time you remember you dreamed?
Ah, it was, yesterday I guess, a very... well, very normal dream.
I see... you know that lying just makes things stack against you, right?
Who cares.
Doesn't it feel horrible not being able to understand people?
They weren't made to be understood.
Weren't they?
I think you need to sleep my friend.


Can dreaming be something that harmful? Why do I ask myself...? Too many questions, too many questions...
Few time, fewer people...

Kill again

Do you think we're all demons?
Huh... why?
I mean, our... inside. Is it of demonic nature?
Why would it be?
Because, if by merely existing we cause pain to what passes around, then we're truly evil, aren't we?
I don't think so. We would be evil if we had the intention of hurting. If we hurt without even taking note of whatever it was that was near us, then... well... maybe we were bound to do harm but... it's not our fault.
So, it seems like you are confused about it too.
A bit, perhaps. But, why are you asking this now?
I don't know...
You sure?
If... I...
Bursting into tears is enough of an answer...
If... I hadn't killed again... we wouldn't be here... and...
Calm down... come on.
You wouldn't need to be here... and... everything would... remain... nice...
Listen...
You could be anywhere else...
No, I needed to be here, so this is where I am now. Come here, 'kay. Now calm down, alright? I wanted to be here. And I'm sure things will look better as soon as you stop crying, but don't worry, if you feel this urge to cry, just let it be. There's no one here to judge you, I won't, promise.
But... why...?
I know you know the answer. You're not the only killer around here, in fact, you look a lot like me, unfortunatelly... but I still see some hope in you.
...
Where else could I be anyway?
I don't know...
Don't be silly, most people out there are dying just to have the chance of taking an arm off me.
But you could be hiding...
I've been hiding for far too long. It gets boring after a while, being here I have the chance of doing something different than what I've been doing for all these years. I can help you.
I just don't understand what would you gain by doing it...
It's not something people normally expect to gain, anyway.
...
...
Can I stay here?
Sure, you can stay as long as it pleases you...
Thanks... I... I don't think you are... what they say you are...
What do you mean?
They... say... you're cold, but, I don't think so...
Maybe...
You...
...
You can save me...
I hope so, my dear, I hope so... it's just funny that of all people, it had to be me to save you, and you to be near what menaces you the most... and what I have to save...

To perceive and protect...

I don't like this.
In fact, lately I've been not liking pretty much everything. This could be a rant about the current situation of liking someone who I shouldn't like. Or something about be careful with what you wish. Or... who cares.
But I've just found something else. It's funny, no matter how hard I try to be extremely cold and angry all the time, I will always fail sometime. I guess it's really one my main directives to protect those for whom I feel some kind of empathy. Even though I don't really protect much people since... well, I just don't.
But I wish I could. Ages ago I was the guardian angel of someone. It was nice to have her calling me that. Even though most of the time I didn't feel like being one. But, it was nice, for the ego, or whatever you call that.
That sums up what's happening right now. I'd write another catastrophic text about how bad things are going but I just feel like there's people out there needing me. And if I just fold arms and keep being a crybaby, there will be one else to slaughter the bad kids.
Just for a while...

Breakdown

I hate to feel like this.
I can't find another word that can express the urge I feel to destroy things.
And I don't know exactly wehat to say because if I just keep on creating words to try to show how much I hate liking you, it's stupid. But if I just start telling how nice and pretty you are, it's also stupid.
It's pathetic, but it will end soon. Even though it may not end tomorrow, maybe thursday. I don't know, I can go to the end of the world in order to bring peace back. I know, you already have that other situation and I don't want to mess things even more. Just make sure he is worthy of you. Please.
I wanted to sleep. But maybe it's my curse to write here.
After all, deep down I'm the clown with the baseball bat, and it's funny to want to be something you fear. But hey, that's what you get for fearing so many things.
I'm not going to say sorry in advance, at least not for now.
Dude, this hurts.


A whole year without feeling this. That was great.