Kind words

stop using such tricKs, it is already known to be just illusIon, we believed before, we got close, we tried to help, to be good, and then deceptioN began.
they have betrayed us before, using the same olD words.
it was dreaDful at first, felt like it was somehow our fault.
it's just nonseNse, you knew it all the way, but it was easier for you to simply go on and create hope.
do not try to beguilE us again, don't show it, it is just lieS.
do not use it, it is groSs.

Raging, part 5

Scarburough tried to kill me...
He wasn't the only one.
What d-do you mean...?
It's been a while since you've been useful...
What?!
We don't need you here anymore. You are now a possible betrayer, useless now. You're a burden, and we gotta ged rid of burdens.
I thought we were together in this battle!
Rules change.


How does it feel to have those close you turning the back at you?
Like life should feel...
Does it hurt more when they stab you?
It is so much pain that it doesn't even hurt. It makes you immune to such harm. But why are you asking?
Because I have never seen you like this.
And, when you saw me before, what did I look like?
You were, like this, but... there was something different. Your eyes, they did show something, even though everything else tried to take us down. I just knew that I could look at those eyes and get the hope to keep on moving on...
Oh, such words.
And now they look like an abyss, trying to take all they can from those that look at them.
Does it scare you?
A bit.
Oh.
And you also look so... cold.
Let's get straight to the topic.
Sure.
I want the location of Scarburough, and the whole gang. Even if they have disbanded, I want each location.
I'm afraid I don't have it...
Then I guess there are worse things to be afraid of my dear...


You killed her!
...
You killed the only person that stood by you the whole time!
I'm just playing by the rules.
WHAT RULES?!
The ones that make the world go on.
You're just doing the same things they've done!
How clever...
She had no fault! If you want revenge, you should take it on those who deserve it!
I'm just passing it ahead. Don't worry, their time will come.
...
And so will yours.
What, you're going to kill me also?!
So clever...


Once there's no one left, there won't be anyone to hurt us.
We are alone, we are one.

Raging, part 4

I feel like I have nothing to say. Still, I don't want to sleep, I want to stay awake, I want to stay in here. Can you talk to me please? It's easier when there's someone to talk to me.
I feel weird.
Too many thoughts. Never trust people, they lie. Never tell them the truth, they don't care, they don't like it.
There was once a boy, in fact, tere was once a lot of people. This place used to be pretty, and if not pretty, it at least used to be somewhat charming in its own way. Fierce perhaps, but good to live. There used to be hope. There used to be action. Now all we have are ghosts from the past, fighting each other forever. Fighting for nothing. Defense mechanisms have been activated, but to defend us from... what? And there's nothing to protect.
It can be said that their extinction was just the next step of evolution. Things change, because they have to change, and in order to get someting new, you must dispose of something old. This whole place was disposed, thrashed. I have doubts regarding whether the change was for good. But I dare not say it in front of the powers that be, I don't want to be obliterated. Some could say I'm a coward. I don't deny it. But I'm the coward who knows what has happened in here, and perhaps the only coward alive that can avenge this place.
Revenge never stops.
Never.


Or... is there someone out there to stop me now?

Whispers

Well, I was sleeping. A bit. Ok, I know that I don't sleep much.
But I feel weird, most of the times, I wake up angry. Because most of the time I hate sleeping, feels like a waste of time, a waste of useful time in which I could be doing something useful. I just don't know exactly what. But I'm not feeling angry right now, I'm just... numb.
For sure, it won't last. And I've gotta sleep better today, at all costs.
And my head feels a bit empty. I don't feel like writing about hatred in here, though I don't know what exactly should I write about. If I'm unable to feel anger, then I'd rather not feel anything at all.
I remember a question. What were my hopes... I always feel like I don't know how to answer these questions. All too abstract, too... easy to answer wrongly. At least that's what I feel, even when I think that these questions don't have right or wrong answers, as long as you answer what you feel toward what was asked. But I don't know, I still feel that way. As if I couldn't feel like others felt...
Perhaps the problem is that I think too much and I try to consider all possibilities, thus I can never answer these things surely, confident that I'm doing it right. It's strange...
Somedays I feel like I'm an abomination, something that just can't fit to the normal world. But then again, that's stupid, let's move on.
I'd rather have someone to tell me where should I move on to... I'll try my best to obey.
Man... I just hate too feel slow like this. Without all the hating it feels like there's space for fear...


You know what I want, like, right now?
What?
To gather nice people, get a car, and just hit the road, heading for... anywhere. As long as there is at least someone out there with me.
Is it feasible?
I'm not very sure.
Then we can try.

Raging, part 3

I say you had better leave.
Leave? Why should I leave?
Because, you are not welcome here.
And where could I possibly be welcome?
In hell, perhaps.


It's no closed secret that I hate sundays. For some unknown reason, it's the day in which it's hardest to sleep. It's also the day when everyone seems to be dead and bored, there's nothing to do. And people love to say that it's a day to relax... crap, that's foolishness, they're all lazy. Gotta hate those lazy bastards.
I feel like tearing people apart, and also like asking to rest my head at a girl's lap, until I sleep and this day comes to an end. These contradictions are making me insane.
I wonder, is it possible to get someone to give me a baseball bat? I can buy one, but I wanted someone to give it to me. Like a passport to break things. Though it can also be considered a sign of trust. As in, the person gives me a baseball bat, knowing that it can be used to harm things, perhaps in the hope that I won't use it for evil purposes? Perhaps, that's an interesting way of seeing this.
Very interesting.
...Albeit false.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. Everybody's sleeping now, I should be sleeping. I just have this problem, it feels bad to sleep after a day in which you didn't... do anything, awesome. But, what's awesome, right? This world limited us too much...
I wonder why it's easier when there's people believing in us. But I believed in them and it doesn't seem to have had any effect at all... what's wrong in here? It doesn't matter. I'm more concerned now about people telling me not to lie. That's freaking atrocious. WHY SHOULD I NOT LIE? WILL YOU QUIT LYING? I doubt so. I dare someone to come in here and show me they can not lie at all, not even a SINGLE lie. Fucking liars. The next one gets a bullet. Not to lie... I can, can you? Doubt so...
Doubt so...


A thousand needles if you lie...

Raging, part 2

When will this end?
I don't know. But why would you like it to end? It will start again anyway.
It would be good, even if it doesn't take long between ending and starting again.
Why don't you just die?
I don't know, I guess it's because even after all your attempts at becoming a machine, or becoming someone despicable and lost in hatred, we still have hope.
Hope...
Yeah, and don't pretend you don't have that.
Go to hell.


You see, we are different.
How does it feel, being different?
It feels... I don't know, I don't know how does it feel being the same.
And what is the point of being different?
You can... be yourself...?
And why is that good?
Because, you don't need to obey what others say you have to do.
But you still ending on doing those things right?
Right... well... sometimes you have to...
And... you feel weird right?
Well, everyone does, sometimes...
And, what do you get, exactly?
You... I don't know.
Well, my point is clear.


I'm losing. But I'm losing in a different way this time. I'm losing with much more effort than I have lost before. I'm aiming at some kind of self destruction. Perhaps that's the right way, the way I can break the cycle. But I just wanted to have someone to do stupid things and at the end of the day lie at the grass and look at the sky.
I don't know, I can't stop these contradictions, because at the same time I want to be alone and get the means to destroy all those nearby. I'm getting more targets to hate. I guess that's good.
Can you help me find something to target my hatred so it forgets me? Can you give me a baseball bat? Can you make me sleep?
We are all too scared, deep down...
I just hate you all.

Raging, part 1

Is there anyone there?
I guess... not.
I guess... I don't know what do I guess... I have to thank those special people that are on my side even with me being so... me. I like them very much and I enjoy their company, but... it just feels like they are not enough.
I don't like these thoughts, they look so selfish and... it's like being ungrateful when you have great people around you. And some are trying, but they just don't know what exactly to do...
I have the feeling that no one can help me, even if they actually wanted to. And I don't feel like most of them actually want to help, they just speak... that's all they do. But there's those few who try, and even though I know they cannot do what I expect them to, they are trying, the way they can. It's just that I expected... more. I expected them to sacrifice as I sacrifice for people. That's the truth. I would like to find someone out there that would really be willing to worry about me before worrying about themselves. It's selfish? For sure. But it's also a reward. Because I can do that, and I did that already, and I don't feel like they would do that for me. For many reasons, the major one being that you should first take care of yourself before setting to take care of others.
Gotta love yourself first.
But I just WANTED TO FEEL this sensation of having someone there, for me, unconditionally.
I treat this as a failure, some kind of disease in my creation. This... need of someone else standing for me. It sucks. Because it's too much, it's beyond what I can expect people to do. Beyond what is healthy.
I admit, I am sad.
It's not right to do good things expecting people to return those favors to you, but...
Aw, fuck it. At least, it seems like things are changing, perhaps for better. Let's just see where will hatred led us to.


But I really feel like all I wanted now was to have someone to make me sleep, as if time was absolutely a mere detail...

A day writing, part 1 (comic)

The beginning of a project...

The drawing was made by http://danibao.deviantart.com/. In this test we used an old script (this one).

Guardian Angel

I can think that my eyes are melting, that's what comes to mind right now. It's a silly way of saying "I'm crying". As if I wasn't familiar with these kind of things. It's easier to withstand when you treat it through the eyes of a child, afraid of what is going on, because you can't really understand what's going on and no one can expect you to actually understand it.
But these times are long gone, I'm not a child anymore. Yet I still use these resources in order to assimilate the sensations. What I mean here is... I don't really know. I just... I just don't know.
Well, I am afraid. But I'm not giving up to fear, I'm not like these people, I'm better than that. I know I can fight it. It's just that, sometimes, it looks like such a ludicrous battle. Because it never ends, but, since the beginning we knew it would never end, we knew what were we going into. Still...
Still, I want someone to be here at my fucking side and say that the night is darker just before dawn, and that the dawn is coming. But there's no one... What the hell...
What the hell is going on with me?!
I can see a lot of kids asking for help, and some other beings... Damn it.


I know I've said I was going to be as strong as you, fucking hell, I'm trying, I'm really really trying, but sometimes it seems like it engulfs me, and I don't know. You're probably not going to read this anyway, but still...
At least, at the very least, I'm trying to be the change I wanted to see at the world... I might be doing it wrong though, is there anything else like me out there? Someone who could come over right now and just make me sleep? I know, I'm restricting "somebody" to a girl. Fuck it.
Help.

Daydreaming, part 4

I can almost feel it... like lying over there, at some bench, eyes closed facing the sky.
I know she's out there somewhere, sometimes too close, as if she could hug me, slowly, and just stay there, for as long as it's necessary. Doesn't really matter whether she's speaking something or just silently being there, as long as she is there...
Just be there...

Daydreaming, part 3

So, why are we here now?
Because, we are tired and couldn't get out.
Oh, I see... come here, let's get a few stories to settle down our anguishes, shall we?
Looks good...
So, I'll start.


I just keep on wondering, why are you still here?
Because...
Because...?
I just wanted to stay a bit more time with you.
With me? Why?
Because you look so alone, and sometimes it seems like you're overwhelmed in pain... I just wanted to help...
Come here...
I wish I could help...
Don't cry, it's not your fault... no one can, no one can... but I appreciate your efforts, now that's something, ain't it?
Yeah... I just wish I could give you something that could make you feel you have a place at this world...
Shh... let it go, it doesn't matter now. Just stay here a bit more, ok?
Ok...


Found ya!
...
Hey, why are you here?
Nothing...
Well, I don't know exactly what might be happening to you, nor what goes through your head, but, we were looking for you there at the party...
I know...
Well, I just, just wanted to see if you were okay, that's all. I'm not going to force you into going back there, I guess you're not in the mood...
Ok...
...And I also wouldn't like to have someone talking crap, just because I wanted to stay alone, it's just that, well, it's a party, so, all seems happy and okay-ish, or at least we pretend very well...
I see...
...Not that we are pretending, and when we say that we were worried, we were, but I don't want to insist on this point, I know how you feel about that, I know you hate trusting people, so I'm not saying also that you can count on me, because...
Can you stay, even if it's just for a while?
...I-I, tought you'd never ask.


Hey, open the door!
What?!
I'm at the door!
W-Why... what's all that?!
Well, if I'm sleeping over here, I've gotta bring the sleeping stuff!
Sleeping over?
Yeah! So, what will we do first?
I, I don't know, sleeping over?!
Well, I know it's weird but... I thought I could make you sleep someday... and it's tonight!
...
What? You... you're busy? I'm sorry I just th-thought that... it would be nice...
It will be awesome.


Pro inferno. Porra.

Uniqueness, part 4

I will take bullets for words. Let's see who dies first.


And I will only stop when there's enough blood in my hands, enough blood in my hands...
Just as lightning covers the sky...


I feel sleepy.

Uniqueness, part 3

Do not walk out there...
Yet I walked...


Where should I be?
I don't feel like I enjoy this place anymore. But I've felt like that before... and, anywhere I go, there will be people... the same old people...


A coisa que eu mais quero, e isso é incrível de pensar agora, é que você saia daqui vivo. Só porque eles falaram que você não conseguiria. Só porque você é todo errado e só faz merda tentando fazer o que parecia ser o certo. O que eu mais quero é que você levante e vai lá mostrar pra eles o quanto eles podem sofrer. Porque eles já sorriram demais, está na hora de pagar, e a conta é alta.
Sabe, eu nunca entendi direito a razão de você sentir tanta raiva dessas pessoas. Mas, cada um, cada um, eu fui levando. Mas eu posso te entender agora. Eu vejo uma razão pra derrubar todos eles, fazer eles se afogarem na própria merda. Conta comigo. Mesmo que sejamos apenas crianças de mais de vinte anos esquizofrênicas e relutantes a crescer, acho que a gente dá conta. Exatamente pelo fato de ninguém mais achar que a gente aguenta.


For one day, only one day, can I live in a fucking nice movie?

Uniqueness, part 2

The reason we feel so alone is that...
We are different.
No, we aren't, we are just as different as pretty much everyone else in here. Right?
No.
Why so sure?
I don't know, they look happy.
You're happy also, you're just... oblivious to this fact.
Super oblivious.
Looks like, anyway.
That's not the main point, though. In fact, I guess there's no main point, as there is no point at all. I wonder what's exactly the point of this day. Well, at least the weater is... "likable". Or some kind of fucking word that expresses that it's not as bad as it normally is. Doesn't even feel like sunday at least. Just gotta keep thinking this...
Beautiful houses, aren't they?
They sure as hell are.
When you say, "sure as hell", do you mean that hell is sure?
Perhaps.
And what does that mean?
That we are surely going to hell, perhaps.
I guess not. Have you ever thought about, hell being here?
Lots of times.
And... hell doesn't look like a very feasible possibility right?
You know our position toward religion. And I'd rather not speak about it, one of the hate topics. Purely shit.
I know, still I don't really think we would be going there, in case it exists.
Believe in what you fucking want to believe, it changes nothing. Pretty much like everything else in this world. Everything over here goes in cycles, sometimes you may think things are changing, but if you think reasonably, you'll see that it's not the truth. It's changing for the better just as it changed before, just because something really gross will happen and things will get crappy again. And then it's just... rinse repeat all the way.
Looks like a pretty pessimistic way to look at the world.
Only if you believe reason is pessimistic. You could think a bit more instead of just judging what you hear by the value you give to the words. If you thought further about what I just said, you could think that there could be then a way people would always get happy, since they do get happy when things get better. If things just got solved and there was nothing else to fix, it would get boring, and you do know very well that people tend to get fucking nuts when they get bored. It doesn't really matter if things are good, they must be different. They would go as far as destroying what they love, just in order to get something new, some new problem to solve. They can't deal with the best environment if dealing with it revolves around being happy with things as they are. At some point, I can almost understand some people who say that war is a human need. They create the most vile scenario, so in the future they can feel better that things are peaceful again and that the past will be remembered and not repeated. They can't see things from outside the box.
What does that mean?
Means we are stuck in a world that goes around and 'round, and goes nowhere also.

You treat them as your enemies, don't you?
Not all of them, not all...

Fuck you all.

It's bizarre that we can't actually say what we feel because of what people may think, right?
A lot.
I like the sun at the end of the afternoon, looks more like a gold light.
Good for you.

Man, sometimes I feel like I'd kill just for the opportunity of something really new happening. But then I remember that you should be careful about what you wish, new things can also happen to be bad things. Very bad. I feel kinda weird today, though that doesn't really look like something I have never said before, so it's nothing important. I wonder why everytime I try to write about someting more serious it becomes some confused dialog between distinct parts. Perhaps because I feel like I'm a walking abomination of conflicting ideas. Just like hating and wishing for a chance to help people. Though in this case you can merge things and do both... I've thought about that before, but looks like a lot for work for nothing. Just like many other things. Like pretty much every sacrifice you do for people. Why must I sacrifice myself for these pieces of crap? Why this stupid hope that someday it will be worth it? Why exactly, me?
I wonder if that's some sort of redemption for what I did in the past... that would be pretty retarded since everyone has dark moments in their past. I am not inferior to any of these beings. I hate them.
Sometimes I think I hate myself for being like this and feeding these stupid hopes. Like life was some kind of movie or some other fucking type of media. As if what you did really mattered to someone. We are just fucking alone. We are on our own versus billions of loners. It's a fucking war.
I cannot relate to those around me...
Yet I somehow can feel what they feel. I envy them. They look happy, but I know they aren't happy all the time. And I know some have also envied me in the past. I wonder exactly what the fuck am I. But I'm human, I just gotta remember it...
Too human...
You know, I used to imagine monsters at the clouds, like pretty much every child sees the clouds forming something else. I kinda lost that ability. But sometimes, very rare times, I can see them again. Like that weird smily clown face over there.
If I weren't a walking contradiction, I guess Id want mostly to be saved. Looks better, and more cartoon-esque. It's a bit sad to admit you can't fight your own demons... a bit like being useless.
What do I feel? I feel like I really wanted to ave some girl standing by me right now. One that I found pretty also, I cannot be a hypocrite. The idea that I'll perhaps never find her frightens me. I know people say that you've gotta be self sufficient and love yourself and someday she'll come. But they also say you've gotta be good, and WHO THE FUCK IS REALLY GOOD ALL THE TIME? No fucking human.
I wanted her to be here... whoever she is. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so...

Uniqueness, part 1

Why do I feel alone again?