Me me me

Have you ever felt like waiting for the time to sleep again, just for the sake of dreaming and being there, with whatever it was that felt like reality for you? Like all the time you spent awake was like being grounded?
Yeah, I know how you feel. But you know, we are not going insane, at least not while being insane is the norm around, everybody goes through these times, so being insane is normal. It comes, and it goes. It goes right? RIGHT?!
Maybe, you see, maybe, this is the time, like one of those times when we just can't keep around people. Doesn't it feel horrible to have people around you? Don't you feel a bizarre agony just by knowing that the next day there WILL BE PEOPLE AROUND YOU, BORING YOU, BOTHERING YOU, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT?! And when you think about it and feel all the weird anxiety and fear for having to pass through it again and again, you hear these voices laughing, but no, you're not having hallucinations... but they keep on laughing, don't they? IT'S NORMAL RIGHT? THESE MOTHER FUCKERS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE LAUGHING, WON'T THEY?!
And there's the fire, because then when everything goes silent they start to fucking burn, and you start to fucking burn, CAN'T YOU FEEL THIS WHOLE MESS BURNING? We are all rotting around here, we are all burning our bodies to ashes, flesh being consumed in hallucinations. ARE WE FUCKING NUTS?
But you see? This is normal. We are doing peeeeeeeeeeeerfectly fine, AREN'T WE? Hahaha, tell me, we are. WE AAAAAAARE. I like to sleep because I can punch my pillow, but I can't punch my pillow now, can you? Nooooo, you can't, hehe, YOU CAAAAAAN'T, because they are here and they will always be here and you will always be there, I HATE YOU, YOU SCUM. Don't you hear these walls exploding? I hear. You do too, just that you don't know yet, when you get to know it, it will be late, IT'S ALWAYS LATE, ISN'T IT?! But don't worry, I get these noises too, they are aaaaaaaaall waiting for us, BECAUSE, you got dependant on them. But don't you look at me like that, you're just like me, we are all crazy a bit aren't we? We'll punch this pillow someday.
Don't worry, it's all planned, here, in me head. It will aaaaaaall blow up, we'll blow this shit. Haven't you... you know, felt like... killing them? Just to see what would happen then... you know, curiosity...
Hahahahahaha! I cough blood, my my, isn't it funny?
I don't want people around, I don't, they are not real, but you are, so we'll be together and also alone, TRUST ME. It feels like smashing our hands at this table, just for the sake of doing something stupid, because WE ARE STUPID!
It's getting late, they will come, don't let them get me, but, they will, anyway. Don't worry, it's not your fault. They always come down here. They hate us, but, we hate them too, right?
We are not nuts, we are just... getting a bit of reality into our minds. WANNA SCREAM?!
Maybe we can jump out of these windows...

Yellow room

In the yellow room we lie...
But it feels good doesn't it?
Sure.
I like to end these nights with this foolish happiness... listening to these songs that probably don't relate at all to these moments, but oh well...
...
We are weird aren't we?
I guess so... you saying this because of the bowling today?
Yeah...
Well, there's nothing to worry... it didn't happen, so what? You're not defective because you're not like the others. And anyway, does that really matter? Wasn't it good, didn't you have fun?
It was... a lot. I ate my super ice cream!
Haha, that's right. So simple... yet you try to destroy this true happiness, why do we underestimate so much the happiness we get from these small things?
I don't know... but it was a big ice cream.
For sure.
But, I still feel good anyway... I haven't totally destroyed it, so we can still end this night being happy and thinking it was worthy.
Yes, if you want to. Wanna try?
Yeah!
Good.


It's funny how peace comes around with... ice creams.

Greater

The sky shows the dark blue color that seems like black but it's not. It's a rare shade that perhaps can only be seen by those few that allow themselves to see. When you stop all you do in order to do something that involves this beautiful night. That is the sky this night, pointy stars shining to those who care to see them all around, the calm breeze that goes around assuring everything is not stopped, though not frantic.
Some trees can be found here and there, their leaves are swung occasionally. Most are just shadows, those dark trees at the distant darkness of the night. The grass is green, illuminated at one spot.
Sitting at this illuminated spot in the ground, we find them...


You look happy.
Ah, I like his place.
It's quite nice indeed.
Isn't it? So, what do we do next?
I don't know. I guess we just have to move on doing whatever we feel like doing.
Yeah, looks like that...
Don't you find it interesting that everytime things look lost, hope appears somehow?
It's an interesting feature, but I guess that's not a rule. I guess there may be those situations in which thing really get lost.
That looks horrible.
Indeed.
Another question, don't you find it funny that everytime we feel happy we speak like that? With these silly questions and answers and agreements.
Ah, they are not silly...
Well, yep, but, I mean, it's like we can speak of these things we would consider silly, y'know?
Hm... it's kinda funny, and yet even though we are conscient of that we still won't stop considering these things silly when we get out of here.
Yeah...
Are you afraid of getting out of here?
No, I mean, yes, but, it's just a small fear, like, I wanted to stay here longer so I'll fear when I have to leave but once I'm out I'll be okay because I know I will come back here someday. Someday soon, I believe.
Yeah, I can quite get what you mean. Why do we understand these broken logics of ours?
Because they are ours I guess... that's why it's hard to explain to others and mostly when we try we can't understand how did it look like right. But it looks so right while it feels right...
What do you fear now?
Like what?
Like, being dead afraid of it when it comes around your thoughts.
I guess nothing... what about you?
I am somewhat afraid of... I don't know... I could say I am afraid of not living to expectatives, disappointing people and such but as I thought about it now, doesn't really feel like that much terrifying. Strange, ain't it?
I guess it's just because at this place we don't have that insane rush of thoughts, so, what tormented us doesn't work here.
So, it is normal to feel this slowness here right?
I suppose so... but it ain't like, being sedated when you feel weird because your thoughts go slow against your will...
Sure.
Do you think that when we're happy like this... you know, for something that looks so simple, it's a dull happiness?
I guess not, a friend once told me that every reason is valid, so the stupidness lies in trying to diminish our reasons to be happy.
We do that all the time right?
Sure... but at least for once let's just enjoy the moment.
Agreed!


And so they stood there, chatting, looking at the stars... at a place that never existed.
Or did it...?

Untitled

My, my... look who's here...
Cut the crap Helz.
What? You come back to visit us after so long, yet you don't even greet us?
You know why I've came back.
Of course, who doesn't? You only visit us when there's hard work to do, and we even know what is this work, don't you find it funny that you need those whom you hate in order to proceed?
I ain't here to chat with you.
I don't give a shit, why do you think we are here to serve you anytime you want? I thought you could learn how to deal with things after some time, but you still haven't grown up, have you?
What is your price?
My price? This ain't about fucking prices now, my friend. We ain't helping you this time, you dug your own grave, why should we take you out of it if all you seem to want is suffering?
...
And if you stay here for more than enough for getting out, I can only assure you that you will find what you're looking for. You started it all, once again, deal with it.


I can remember the day that door closed. And I knew that from that moment on, I was alone. There wasn't any other being in this world that could come to the rescue. There was no rescue. I delved into darkness, running from what I once had called hope. We should always know where are we entering, but we can't.
I admit I'm to blame, in many parts of this freaky situation. We cannot believe others will always be there fighting for us. We cannot trust those who are unworthy of it. We cannot depend solely on the evil side. There are many other things we have to avoid doing in order to keep the peace. But I stupidly just went for what I wanted.
And then I got what I deserved for breaking the rules. I suppose this one is weirder than the usual weirdness, but I just beg you keep on reading. I can't say it won't be long, I can just ask you to stay.
I guess we are most sane when we get to face the facts and admit our mistakes. I hate apologizing so I can just say that it was a mistake to blame you for this. You were just being yourself and that's normal. Also, perhaps I should have found a better way to tell you this, but I guess that chatting would just scare you and that's not my intention.
Even though I guess it can frighten you anyway, so this is for hoping you forgive me someday.
The whole situation seems a bit ridiculous, looks like sometimes the powers that be like to mess with the circumstances. So, by looking around in order to find interesting people I bumped into you, and since you seemed to be interesting and also didn't bother about my presence, I thought I should just remain talking. Had I known things would turn out like this, I wouldn't have continued. Or maybe not.
So slowly I created this link with you. I was captivated by your creations, and the way you spoke. Your ideas and thoughts, it was somewhat unreal to believe someone could carry such and also be so confident and shy. Day by day, I was amazed by what I discovered about you.
But, in the end, I came to note that all these amazing things had a bad side. I had developed some ''feeling'' that should not exist. And I understand how ridiculous that will look to you. But I guess this was the best way I found to get this out. About that question, I'm still confused, I don't think it would be better to live without neglecting what I feel, because there are some things I don't like to feel, like this one. Because, of all the possibilities, why should it be you? I don't even actually know you. And yet I get happy by just talking to you. I guess this troubles some things.
Sometimes I just hate being different, but that's the way I am. I could just say something very stupid and then you would go away. I had this chance many times and I just kept on being the silly me.
Sooner or later there will be more people commenting on your creations and saying good things about them, I'm sure. Then I guess it's time for me to move on, perhaps disappear for a while. I never really said much about this, since I believe you already have enough people for doing it, but you're dazzling beautiful, both physically and personally.
Lastly, I would just like to ask you no to stop being so sweet, even though guys like me will appear here and there. That's one of your biggest qualities and it shouldn't be some weirdos the reason for changing it.

Defying

How to start? I remember they said the hardest part is the beginning... I guess it applies here.
So, let me tell a story, I like to come up with stories and stuff like that, my mind works on these things day and night after all...
Once upon a time, there was a boy. He lived in a very big castle, which had pretty much everything he wanted, anytime, as long as he wished for it in the dark throne room. He lived alone in there, and most of the time, it felt like the best thing to do. But, time had to pass by, and it always passes, and so the boy started to wish to be more in touch with other people. The few people he had already seen the times he left his home fortress were already quite hard to reach. After a while, he gave up on reaching them, so he would just live alone in his castle. But, the forces that supplied the castle with everything he wanted decided to fulfill his wish, but with one condition this time, since it would be very consuming, as it is hard to create life out of thin air, he would have to give them something. The boy mindlessly agreed, and the next day, he had dozens of people walking around the castle, working, talking, living just as if they had lived there for all their lives. For a great part of that day, the boy was happy. As happy as he could be. But it didn't took very long to see what had he given in exchange for these people. As soon as the first conflict happened between him and one of his new friends, he discovered a brutal desire for revenge, which he could not get out of his head. Even though it was just a small mistake that happens normally. He decided to hold it and live peacefully with everybody, but as the days advanced he couldn't hide his disgruntled face anymore, he was now holding a grudge against pretty much everyone in the castle. When it seemed like things were totally out of control, he decided to go to the throne room and release his rage against those who made him that way. There was no response as the furniture got into pieces. That made him calm, and the day after the throne room was just as if nothing happened. All in all, he had found a way of living peacefully with the people, he just had to go to the throne room and vent his anger in there. Things seemed to be turning good after all, but since his mind wasn't now so concentrated in his new behaviour, he started to notice something in all those people. They weren't very different from him, that's why they agreed with mostly anything he said, did the same things he did, pretty much were the way he was. A few minor differences here and there but it was just too equal. He decided to ask the forces for a different behavior for those people, since that's how it was with the people he had met outside the castle in the past. This time, there was an answer, the forces told him that it was impossible for them to create people like that, all they could do was take some parts of his personality and come up with people with that personality. The boy couldn't believe that, he didn't want to feel like thinking with himself everytime he chatted with someone. This time the voices weren't so calm, it sounded like agonizing screams cursing him and his greed. They got away with the sound of a crack, the boy, astonished, realized the castle was crumbling down, he ran away of the room, screaming for everyone to get out of the castle as fast as possible, just as if he had forgotten what they were. But there was no one in there, he ran alone to the main gate, as his home tried to smash him down. When he got out, tired of all the running, he looked back to see what was left of his fortress. He couldn't come back and have anything he wanted, but he could go ahead and look for real people. At first, he thought it wasn't that bad, but within time he was remembered of what had he given in trade for the fake people he had received, and now there was no throne room...
Weird story.
In the end I walked away from the topic I first had in mind. I'm always straying, it feels better this way. Well, not quite.
It's easier to get away from what we want, pretend we're deaf to our wishes. It's easier to deal with people when we're almost robots. It's somewhat sad, to tell the truth. But what if it's worse to hear ourselves?
Have you ever desired to do something you thought could be harmful to those around you? Feels this way. Perhaps I've been neglecting my requests so much that I'm afraid of answering any of them now, perhaps it all looks harmful because I've been always afraid of them. In the recent past I had decided to do whatever appeared in my mind, sure, I haven't done all that, for reasonable purposes, but at least I've done quite a nice ammount of things I wouldn't because of... well, many ''reasons'', like fear of what would people think, or because it felt ridiculous, things like that. But, it so happens that the things I didn't do included things that were actually reasonable, perhaps, normal.
Even now, I still feel like I can't do those. Even though friends say that I should do, I feel like I can't do it the right way. And they can't seem to know what is exactly ''the right way''. It's funny to be different from everyone else and yet be just as many others. Funny in a stupid way I guess.
It feels like regret, when I think of these simple things I treat as forbidden. Yet it feels right. What commands this dictator side is something confuse. It's a fear of instilling fear in people I don't want to. Fear of missing. Fear of not living up to expectatives. A monstrous creation made of fears I've long stopped fighting against.
Maybe it's better this way. Maybe. But knowing if it's better the other way may change things I didn't want to change, at least not this way...
It would be better not to think, after all. Thinking is almost like taking a loop that throws right back at start. And my friend, the start if the hardest part.

At the pits

Welcome to the pits boy...
We've been waiting for you... for so long... you don't how lonely it's down here...
Can you hear their screams? We have millions of them screaming here... you could be one of them... easily... but you decided to be different, why is that?
Why are you different boy? Are you afraid of the boiling lakes...? They are just ashes...
We'll accompany you through the darkness, maybe then you can show us why are you different... perhaps your flesh tastes better...
You're not afraid of darkness are you? You can't see the way we see, but this place is beautiful, see that hook over there? I stood for five days in there...
How does it feel to be with us? Is it hard to face you're not stronger than us? Do you see these bruises? They are yours...
Remember the snow? We knew you would like this, we've prepared everything for you... hey, there's something here, near your mouth...
Oh my you are already bleeding, don't be in such a rush, we have the whole eternity to walk with you, there's plenty of places to die... and we waited for so long...