It's been a long time...
Damn, I can't even type correctly, this surely will take a lot of time.
Well... the first plan was to write about 21 (the movie with the genious kids taking cassinos down), and all the thoughts it gave me... but, it's not time. When will it be the time I don't know. Problem is, I'm not knowing a lot of things. I'm miles away of doing well at the university now. And that's bad. I can't say it's stressing cause I don't know how does it feel when stress hits hard. And I'm pretty sure many out there who say they are stressed are just bitching around. And I can't be mainly because I'm not doing ANYTHING. It's not like the feeling that movie gave me, I'm not doing even what i was supposed to do in a normal behaviour.
It feels like going into sudden rage as soon as someone say a word to you. And, I somehow want very much someone say something. You know it will be bad but you still look for that, because it feels good when you explode. Somehow it feels. But I know I won't do it. Dogs that bark too much don't bite.
I'm not knowing how to fix my relation with my girlfriend. And that's the big point. It's simple, it has to be, but I just can't figure out. I guess she is right. I'm not the same, but still I don't feel I'm any different. I just don't know what the fuck have I became. I have to make her happy, that's the least I should do. But we barely have time to ourselves lately. And even like this I'm getting away from my friends and getting bad grades.
I think too much, that's probably the core of the problem. And this sloth. You feel like all you needed was someone to tell you what to do, because you are too damn stupid to figure it out yourself. I can't keep taking people's time with bullshit, that's fact. I hear them, that's how it works, or at least how it worked back then.
When there is no more problem, we just get out stomping our heads at a wall until we find a problem, that's how it goes.
"I don't need a psychologist.''
"And how do you know that? If you don't even know what you are?"
"I just know."
"You just need someone to talk, or better, someone to hear, because you are too coward to do things on your own, that's the truth, but you know that even like this you won't find an answer, at least not one that suits your case."
"If that was true than I could just go and throw this crap talk into someone."
"And that's what you are already doing."
"I really wish I could be what I was some months ago."
"And why can't you be? You don't even feel that you changed, you're the same shit still. You didn't even talk to your parents the day they were going to travel, even feeling that if something bad happened you woudn't see them again and you wouldn't forgive yourself for not telling them how much you loved them, things are not always the contrary of movies."
"..."
"But still, even knowing you might lose, you keep quiet, you can't show love not even writing a damn letter. People won't hear you after they've gone to heaven, or hell, or I don't know which fucked place do we go if we really go somewhere. You watch'em become shadows. And seems you like it."
