Sickening

You know what? Religion is bullshit.
That's it. Humans are not made to have religion. They CANNOT comprehend it. They don't have enough intelligence to stand it. They don't have enough respect for embracing it.
There's no way this is real. It gets more and more obvious each day, that religion is just a reason they've invented to not feel remorses for war. You kill them, but they were from the DEVIL, they were evil, because they believed in a thing you don't believe. Isn't that good, demon slayer? Exterminating families, hope, happiness never felt better. You can throw your frustrations over other people, rape, murder, and many other nice actions of war, and still return home like a righteous paladin.
People can not understand what they supposedly believe. That's ok, humans are morons and we are all destined to oblivion after all aren't we?
We watch it silently, day after day one religion versus the other. Quietly they attack, because they must disguise it under this stupid wall of love and kindness from their gods or anything that might represent something similar.
Praying everyday won't make you a better person, face it. How can people ask for a better world and protection and all that crap after what they do everyday? Oh come on, don't come with the stupid "people aren't perfect". Can't you get better? Can't your fucking gods or icons or whatever make you see how much of an ASSHOLE you are every SINGLE day of your life?
I can't believe you still keep on saying that god or whatever is the greatest and he can pardon your mistakes as long as you regret making them.
But you may be right after all, so... heaven is doomed, hopefully I'm not going there.

Walking around town

And this is a sunny day.
Been walking for a while, people just walk around sometimes, without any destiny. Feels fantastic.
There's this child walking around singing "How hell's supposed to be". And it feels just fine.
I look at Billy here, and I can't get afraid. But I wish I could. Why does it feel so fine to be afraid? You know, this sensation, you want to scream until things get so awry they become true. Lately gore has been dominating everything, but as gore increases, the fear diminishes. I almost forgot how fear was. But it is so damn important, how could people forget it?
I don't know, I see Billy here, and there's this... dread sensation of it moving. Toys moving, just like the old times. Good old times.
It won't move, as this is reality, and there isn't such things here. I guess it's good but... I wanted the other way. Urban legends and clowns, why can't we have dark forces? Ok, it wouldn't be good. But still I can't deny the feeling of it being interesting.
This dreadful smile at Billy's face proves it.
Doesn't it?

The train

What a funny night huh?
Just because I'm not very well doesn't mean you are right.
C'mon, just give it a try, things will get insanely better. You aren't very strong now, I could easily force you to it, but I'm just asking. Of course, in case of a no then I will use other means.
I don't know, it just doesn't seem like doing that things will be better.
Just look at what the fuck you became.
Maybe it's not so bad.
Look at yourself damn it.
It's just some bad times, things will get better soon, all we need to do is endure.
Endure? Are you fucking retarded? You see this child crying at the stairs and this train out of control annihilating everything in his way. Why do you choose the child? I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT. WHY CAN'T WE BE BETTER?
Because I know that the train is not the best option.
YOU NEVER CHOSE IT. You never experienced not feeling anything. We can smash them all. We can be at the control of chaos.
We can't. There was a time when I felt tempted to choosing the other side. But anyway, no matter how much hatred we carry inside, we weren't made for choosing the train. It simply isn't us.
We can learn to be the other way, it's just a matter of getting used to. You always said that people get used to anything. It's a better option. Ok, you don't want to choose because of her. We quit it when, and if, things get resolved. It's simple. It's so much better to be at the side that wins.
Do they win?
THEY HAVE EVER WON. STOP FREAKING BELIEVING THIS HAPPY BULLSHIT.
I just don't want to do something I will regret later.
So take the risks. This night we become what the world wanted us to be. We will grow stronger, and we can be evil. You want it. You know you do.
...
We have control over it. You'll see how better we will get. We'll win.
I just wish that you could take that sick smile out of your face.
Finally stop this crap of doing good things. Remember, we give people what they truly want.

Farewell

August 5, 2008.
I want to write something so beautiful it could make justice to you. I can't. I will fail just as I failed many times. You won't be here anymore. I won't see your smile by the mornings. Nor any other time of the day. I'll never see you sleeping anymore. Nor eating those shrimps you liked. I'll miss you swimming. And the way you kept the body inside the shell when afraid of something. It took some time so I could really touch you. But I'm happy you left the shell and trusted me. Even though turtles do not speak, I don't care. Pets can be better friends than humans. They surely can. And you were. I know I wasn't the example of a friend. I'm sorry. Hope you can accept apologies. I don't know. I just wanted to write something. Because I won't see the look on your face anymore. And this brings tears. I don't care what others may say. This is for you, not for them.
All I can do know is be a better person. That is not fair. But I can take it. I tried not to believe the truth. It seemed better, I could even not think about it. And keep my day going. But it's not fair to you. I don't know what would you have prefered, but I felt like the water would be better. Forgive me if I chose wrong. I know I won't have any answer for as this is definitive but, I feel like talking to you now.
I can't bring you back and I know it. I just hope you are somewhere good. I don't believe in heaven. But there could be one for you, you deserve. There has to be somewhere better for you. Wish I could give you that.
I'll never see you jumping into water anymore. That hurts like hell.
I don't know how big this will get but it's matterless. The reason is your memory. You made this man very happy with your life. And I won't get down now. Your life wasn't in vain, and I promise somehow I'll prove it. Guess I'm not so tough after all. Sorry if I couldn't show emotions very well. I'm sad that you found the worst friend of all. But you really meant a lot for him.
I wish I could listen to some happy song now. But I can't, but that's not your fault. I want you to be well. They say the sad songs are oftenly the most beautiful ones. Perhaps that justify a little.
It's rare to see a tear like this. But I'll stand. And your memory goes with me.
I chose to say farewell as I wish I can still see you again, no matter which life. This sounds childish and dumb but I just don't know what to do. I miss you. And tomorrow morning I'll face an empty space where you used to lie. Please accept these words from this fool. I don't know if I should say that I'm sorry, I don't know to ask for forgiveness, but I can say some words with no doubt. I love you. And we'll miss you. But we take life on with your memory. The memory of your happy face. And the way you swam. And how you got agitated when seeing strangers.
This is in your memory. I'm proud of having you as a friend. All the best for you.