Devastation

So...
Here we are.
Again.
Yet it is not the same place.
But, familiar.
As they say, welcome to devastation.
And we are all devastated men.
Or devastated boys.
Whatever suits your self-image.
This was quite a week, huh?
Well, yes, it was fun.
For real?
Well, I liked it.
What else?
What else what?
Soooomething else...

Oh, you again.

I like to see the sky like this, it's been a while ever since I saw it for the last time. In here, the real world. It feels as if we still have something to defend, a sky that looks so good in being minor and telling few things, yet leaving the great experience to be felt, hidden, somewhere out there. As we strafe sidewards, watching it, as a movie, as a game, as a show. As it was, and will, someway, be. For us, in reality.

Do we have something to fight for?

You draw the heart. You fill it. Words of your choice. Put your feelings. THE ONES THAT DWELL INSIDE YOUR. HEART.
Do as you wish, as long as it is a heart, as long as those are emotions, feelings, whatever you feel in a way that is not purely mechanical or understandable.
SHOW WHAT YOU REALLY ARE.
...
Is that it?
WHAT DO I REALLY FEEL?
YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW SHOULD I FEEL AND WHAT SHOULD I FEEL, YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW WOULD IT FEEL TO FEEL.
Hatred was born as I was, and it will always be a part of it.
But the heart was divided between others, for I don't know... anything.
What is it that I feel? How does happiness feel? Is the money making me happy? AM I HAPPY WITH THESE PEOPLE? WHY AIN'T I FEELING AS IF I'M GOING TO EXPLODE?
We lack lack lack lack things.
I am afraid.
There we have the heart.
...
It is. Full.
There is fear. Dominant as a leader of fourth the power.
Never losing control, watching silently. Even though it lost its fun power, it's rage maintained through the years. Your shyness is a sign of it. The brutality in which relationships ravaged your thoughts serves as a harbinger for fear. Do you think you will ever come back?
I hope so.
Even though I say no, I hope. I will someday find the she that is worth taking a sword and shield and honoring all those who fought by me and all the giants I've met. One that will make two become the greates force of destruction, guided for good, at least once. For a king has to serve its people, as they serve him. And my people have served me for far too long without any reward.
There is anger. For there is no sign of any forgiving measures. Although there are.
But they are just too few in a sea of pure demise. And we sometimes get to be dead within ourselves. One who does not live, dead shall be. And we scream, hour after hour. The fourth of the land that abides the law of hatred, the first, and only.
BUT WE CAN WIN. STILL.
But to say that thought, anger was used. Can we use evil to finish evil? Or to just become another evil to take the throne? Is the throne really that good? Why not?
You've fought fear with anger, you've fought cold with anger, you've fought sadness with anger. To become a machine, anger took your heart, and in exchange you took its unstoppability. And hatred became the law. And the criminal. And the judge.
I try to forgive.
This is war, not union. THERE HAD TO BE UNION! THERE NEVER WAS!
There is... something that was but can't be remembered. Has it ever been there in the first place? But it is anguish. Squishing its fourth of land. Giving birth, secretly to those who help fear. Showing reality as it is not real, only in case it ever was. Showing, what wants to be shown. By the powers that be. In case, you.
IT ALL STARTED WITH YOU, IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT A PART OF THIS KINGDOM FELL.
...Crumble...
No. It only falls if there is no more shots to be given. And once a shot hits the target, we win. Dizzy or not, tired or not, in pain or not. We shoot. We get hurt, like the plague. We get sad. Because it is all inside our head, and the rule was that every emotional pain should devastate much more. Every psychological would drive us toward a psycho instance of self-defense, that would end just destroying ourselves. They all run out afraid when one's defense is an attack that evokes defense ad infinitum. Til' resources last.
But we shoot. Slowly. GIVE. ME. STRENGTH.
There is. Something more. The three couldn't be a lord for the last fourth, for the land couldn't be taken by discouragement, or disappointment. Nor shame. It is it. Which can be advocated by past.
And this one, shall take its toll.
As it is already taking. It. Is. Destroying. Us.
While it lives, no real action on forgiving shall live. You will keep wanting to cry.
We can't fight the past.
But we can acknowledge it, and thus come back to the present.
Who. Cares?
...
What is this heart? Where are the good feelings?
JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE GOOD FEELINGS. How do I know I'm feeling them? And not just fake emotions that can leave me behind.
Can they be fake?
I don't know. But I feel like there's more. People look just so happy, WHY?
WHY AM I NOT?!

Pff... destroy.

My arms feel weak, breathing is hard and not rewarding. I'm dizzy. I don't know.

For real. My left arm is hurt, somehow, the forearm aches in certain points during certain activities, that's all I know.
My belly sometimes becomes a continuous pain, and I don't know how to define exactly where and what is it. But I got some ideas, maybe it is the food. Well not the food but my eating behaviour. It has to change. And it will. I feel weak. Head aches sometimes, not much. Eyes feeling dry, sometimes like burning, it's not much.

Now I feel like I want a hug. Just a fucking hug. But a real and lasting one. Til' I'm not so afraid anymore.

In this sea of strange things, all is weird and none is weird. Weird, huh?

I tried to do so much, but I understand the problem now. I want, everything. Always. I failed some of the people I tried to meet this week. I got there pretty fucking late and that is unacceptable. I LIKE TO BE ALWAYS ON TIME, WHY DIDN'T IT WORK, WHY?!
I feel like apologizing but I don't believe in apologizing, I don't think it's pride. It's just that saying is too easy and it doesn't seem to mend things. But I don't exactly how to mend things I just... keep going at a stupid rate.
I didn't finish the works I said I would. I failed, big time. I hold myself, in order not to hate, not to bring myself down. I need to get up.
But I'm sorry.
And I wanted to do everything, to get more things and keep the old ones. To have the old ones improve.
I could scream lightnings.
My arms can smash reality.
My eyes melt worlds.
I. Explosion.

I can't show. You can't show.
How are we going to swim back to safety? It's never true if we can't trust truth.
Lies. Cakes.
And we win. But is that good? Are we good?
How can we not be them? And being everyone alike, there should be no more lies. Yet, something is wrong at its core. Or not, and the truth is we were made to destroy ourselves. Be it man or woman, be it black or white, be it, whatever it is. The past destroyed the future. Future's death poisoned the present.
But I don't want to believe it. Maybe it's because it hurts me somehow, it makes me sad.
Can I keep believing that someday people will stop this?

Hold my hand, just hold my hand in unicorn land.
For I am to afraid to come back to what was before, and you are too kind to ignore.

Is it make or break?
Argh. Yelling is stupid.

I just know that, if we don't take the judges down, the fires will turn us to ashes, and all else there is to be turned. Judgement stops, or we stop.
I'm sorry for being such a bad person in this aspect. I play so much as a judge.
They work around the clock, you work inside. Remember that funny game in which there were cats and a mouse?
I will stop judging. And then I will stop judging me. And then... something good will happen. As far as it goes, this empty promise is all I can give, for I've never been to the other side. I've never met a world without the judgement of fire.

I dreamed about my dogs a few days ago. I cried as I ran toward their spectres in the grass behind the house. I screamed the loudest I could. But I couldn't touch them. I am guilty. And for now I can't write a post that makes this and them justice.
Can I ever forgive myself?

A verdade é que eu não me sinto tão ansioso pra essa viagem. Talvez não da forma que as pessoas se sentem antes de viajar, principalmente para um país tão longe. Eu talvez me acostumei com tudo ser fácil, mas nem nas coisas difíceis eu vejo graça. Alcançar se tornou se decepcionar. Nada é como eu penso que era. Talvez o parafuso que falta seja o da expectativa realista. Eu quero mais, eu queria que fosse, algo incrível como algo me mostrou que era. Que seria.
Mas não é.
Eu só posso lutar até a morte pra fazer com que seja. Mas a dúvida é o que mata. Não um esqueleto vestindo uns panos velhos pretos. Vai valer a pena?
Eu já disse que valeria para aqueles que continuassem lutando, aos que estivessem ao meu lado quando a destruição jogasse a toalha.
Eu tenho dúvidas.
Eu tenho medo.
Eu consigo me focar quando junto toda a raiva, não em algo simples e de forma fechada a alcançar um objetivo. Mas me focar em ser cego para a dor. Mas eu não sei direito o que vale. Embora a sensação de invulnerabilidade seja muito boa.
É, eu tenho medo de que eu não aproveite tão bem a viagem. Eu não sei como aproveitar bem, qual é o melhor? O que deve ser feito? Eu só penso que queria andar por aí e às vezes ficar parado e relaxar no frio.
Talvez o parafuso que falte seja ouvir a mim mesmo e não ao que os outros querem que eu ouça.
O vazio cresce. Muito mais rápido que o resto. Mas...
Mas porra nenhuma. Eu consegui há pouco tempo para de culpar a mim mesmo por tudo. Não é tudo minha culpa, vocês fuderam este mundo e vão continuar fudendo ele.
Agora temos que manter isso e seguir em frente.
A quem eu falhei essa semana, minhas sinceras desculpas se ler isso faz algo melhor. De resto, obrigado. Foi uma semana divertida, eu quase cheguei a dizer que me senti feliz.
Talvez morrer tentando achar o algo não seja tão ruim. Se não estiver na Escócia, pode estar no Japão, pode estar na Noruega... alguma hora eu acho.
Minha cabeça vai explodir.

Are we still hunting dragons?
No. Something bigger.
Unicorn moose?!
Perhaps.


And the two continued riding their horses toward the mountains. In a land where swords and armors mattered more than brands and noisy lights at night. Where unicorns, to some, existed. And dragons, were just a matter of how much can you invest in dreams.
And hell... followed.

As it goes...

Patience is a loyal servant.

So it happens that I spent the last weekend playing poker like mad. The possibility of making money is something too addictive to this mind, amazing. But, that's not the point.
Damn, my eyes are burning.
Well, I am having a new sudden explosion of energy and I'm going to use it for something good. I have lots and lots of things to do, from getting money to travel, to working and leaving the work done in case the worst happen, to seeing people. I want to see some people. Period.
Gotta be straight to the point sometimes or the demons gonna eat you.
I've been having the weirdest visions again, well, not like it stopped anytime anyway. Tales of Symphonia probably influenced a bit, what a beautiful game... but! Now we have to focus on the travel.
Looks like all is going well, it will take a bit of effort but I'll be able to see everyone. It kinda makes me want to write some kind of happy emoticon here, can't deny.
But do you know what would be really really fucking awesome?
Well, the real awesomeness of it would be if I got to see everyone in one single day, one after the other, as in, following some kind of heavy schedule. And then, even though I had to leave since it was time to see the next person, the current one would also go, and in the end, we would have a grand finale, having everybody together. But, for now that stands as a dream.
I wanted to write about something else earlier this month, well, actually it was a few days ago. I was feeling damn sad, for a reason pretty much ridiculous to the great majority. It took some time to understand, but I got it. I got sad because of Diablo 3 after all, it did not become what I expected. Maybe I had some seriously high expectations, but that's not the time to discuss this. The funny thing came after the realization, as I thought how ridiculous it was to get sad about a game. But then I remembered, games have been the motive of a big part of my happiness ever since I was a small child. And coming to think of it, people get emotionally dedicated to anything, even to people. And in many cases, people that don't give a fucking shit about them, yet they choose to continue on massacrating themselves. So, I figured it didn't really matter, I can dedicate myself emotionally to games after all. It just depends on whether you're getting more good moments than bad moments, right?
Gotta buy a claymore.
Hell yes!

Have you ever...

I can't stop listening to this song by The Offspring. It's nice.
I heard that in order to truly like it you gotta be at least a bit depressed, I don't know if that's the case. It's just pretty, and I like the fast pace. And the bit of sadness and agressivity.
Well... on the other hand, I lost my sleep today. But it's the second day in a row in which I simply can't get a clue of what was I dreaming. It's strange, maybe it happens when I try to sleep early or... well, I dunno.
Today we've had a big urge to simply yell, or scream, or something more. It feels like you wanted to explode, or simply explode the world. I don't know exactly what it is, but it is not new. Just thought I should say it... but I guess it happens to people normally, right? Is it, something regarding the fact that other worlds seem prettier and better than ours? I've been playing Diablo 3 and Tales of Symphonia lately, and although the first has serious flaws which are not supposed to be told here, it feels good as an apocalyptic world in many parts. And I like it. The second, fuck, the second is just so fucking pretty.
I like the way some of the characters behave, as when Colette asks ''Can I get closer?'' when they are talking during the walk through Flanoir as it snows. Or the whole the-stars-are-pretty-tonight-wanna-walk-with-me thing. Damn, it doesn't feel like such things really happen. But I'm to blame, I'm too shy or worried about what could happen to say such things.
Been thinking of forgiving a certain girl, maybe that's the sign of time. Who knows... at least that's one of the few things over which I seem to maintain a certain control. On the main ground, things are just getting FUBAR.
But when I play they disappear, damn.
I wonder if I'm going to be able to feel happy during this time at Scotland. I hope so. I know it only depends on me but still, I don't know. Many things only depend on me and they are getting weirder and weirder.
This remings me of another phrase I saw earlier this week.
"Today, you fall. Tomorrow, you knock down.''
I like it. But let's not enter on the merit of vengeance. Won't help this time. I've been thinking on writing about things I hate, maybe this helps to expurge the dreadness that lies within ourselves. I guess I need to gather some opinions on that, or just get the balls to start it. Whatever comes first I guess.
I'll try to get in contact with people these next two weeks, promise.
Also, I heard of these houses in Japan where you get to have some tea and talk to a girl, something like that. They said they were called Hostess Clubs. Somehow, it looks fun. And I didn't even think on getting somewhere farther in the thing. Dunno how to explain but seems like the neediness of attention is making me go full retard.
I wanted to write a story, probably something ridiculous since I'm still under the effect of Symphonia's kindness. Better not. Damn man.
I hope I get to sleep easier from now on.
I managed to get my grades way high this semester. I have to manage to get my happiness to that level. It's just a matter of focus and dedication.

If you walk away, who is gonna stay...?