Carinho...?

I wonder how to describe this day today. More specifically, what I feel today. It's a bit weird, but I suppose it won't last, because it may have been caused by last night's event, only. It's still interesting to feel it, even though it might be something trully synthetic. This bizarre mixture of sadness and loneliness, not reaching the borders of despair, but too... condensed. And even though it is so powerful, it can go away within one night, all we need to do is sleep.
Sleep...
That verb scares the hell out of me. That's one of the most unpredictable variables around here.
So many coincidences...
A few weird wishes...
I can't stop thinking about "who will survive and what will be left of them?''...
That's just fear, anyway. That's irrational. That's too human and should thus be disregarded.
Can't accept all humanity, at least not so easily, and I've been accepting quite a lot of it lately. A lot. But I'm not into writing much now, feel tired.
Can't stop thinking about these people... but, magic does not exist. What moves this world is something else purely evil by heart. And I just want to sleep. Please. Just be there, pass your hands through my hair, even though I can not show such affection in a fair way...
And then we can sleep.
And maybe when we wake up there's something new...

Dead by dawn

What can you fucking tell me that I'm not aware yet?
Nothing I guess...
We'll be dead by dawn, it's just a matter of time. The game's ending, just as we knew it would.
What do you feel, like, right now?
Emptiness... anger... I'm not sure about it. It's funny because, we look like grumpy old fellows, always complaining the same old things. Whatever happens, we'll be there complaining. Always fucking complaining. It's not anyone's fault.
What if it is?
Then I don't know. I feel my heart beating, I don't like it. It's disturbing, like every heartbeat felt like a bang.
What else do you hate?
Not being able to accomplish my missions. Being forced into liking people. To like someone is to delve deeper into hell. Don't you hate it too? Thinking about someone is retarded. We're made for destruction, because by being forced to like someone, by, who knows what demented being, transforms what could be some good feeling, into hatred. To miss someone is to admit that you're useless. And that just fuels the ruthless tyrant that lives inside each one of us, screaming we are no good.
Just go to fucking hell.
Leave me to my nightmares.

Daydreaming

Rain.
A lot of it.
It was around 6:30 p.m., thousands of people going back home after work. After all, it was friday, time to take a break and relax. That means, actually, traffic jam.
And the heavy rain just intensified that, since cars that managed to really move had some kind of inclination into provoking accidents. But, that was just another friday.
Amidst the chaos, one black car passed through. Going fast, compared to the default speed of other cars during such rains.


-Going left now, see anything?
-No, left is free, go!


The car swapped lanes oftenly. The driver barely looked at the rear view mirrors, they were useless in that situation. The girl at his right was now turned back, looking to the left lane. She served as his eyes, concentrated on whatever happened nearby. Seatbelt unfastened.
The rain just motivated them even more, even though he wouldn't go any faster than the allowed maximum speed, but just by going faster than pretty much everyone else already felt good enough. The girl looked cheerful.


-Incoming car...
-It's ok, we can keep in this lane for now.
-I dare you to run faster than that car!
-I'd accept it any time, as long as I was alone in this car, you know that.


She smiled at him, a smile that showed shyness yet wasn't trully introverted. She trusted him, and that's all that mattered.
The two went ahead as the rain felt. The gloomy feeling of the end of the day couldn't enter that car.

Nameless

Don't you run, kids... don't you run...
The man with a baseball bat passed through the kitchen door. His eyes gazed upon the ceiling, one arm was turned back, the hand holding the bat before his head, the other just swinging, loosely. His body moved sluggishly, but his voice had some kind of dreadful determination, even though it sounded tired and husky. He walked slowly, each short step seemed to take a second to happen. Still, they were not risking to fight him face to face. There was something wrong with him, at the same time he looked warped to some other dimension, the eyes not focusing anywhere specifically, there was something that show he couldn't be anywhere other than there, hunting them.
Something very explicit perhaps, they saw what he did to Tommy... the lifeless body now decorated the kitchen floor. A knife was lying near it. He managed to grab a knife in the shelves and decided to stab the man in the back. Tommy was a fast runner, he was sure of that, whatever was in that man, he couldn't be prepared. The others had caught most of his attention, all he had to do was approach slowly and when he got close enough, run and make him bleed.
All good in theory.
As soon as he got close enough the man just turned around. Tommy saw his face, perhaps his real face. The others got surprised by his reaction, had they taken the chance, things could be different, but no one was waiting for it. They didn't see.
What kept Tommy running toward him was pure inertia, because as soon as he saw the face life got out of his body. His thoughts disappeared, the eyes got petrified. The slow man had then a face torn by a sick smile. The teeth, slightly yellow, appearing. The lips bleeding, as if he had just passed days in a desert, quietly, and now the dry lips were stretched albeit the pain. The eyes, which moments before were not entirely open, as someone who didn't sleep for days, were now opened, completely, focusing him, as if they could see more of him. Not like studying the being right in front of them, more like desiring something.
This moment didn't last much even though it seemed like eternity for Tommy. The baseball bat struck his head. The world got a lot bleaker then, and painful. As the body hit the floor, the man stepped over his chest, the edge of the bat then stepped over his head, one final blow that sent pieces of him around.
The man now followed them, back at his sluggish way.


I don't know why.

Get the guts...

So, in the end the truth is that, I didn't really sleep. But I somehow don't have the guts to tell it.
I've heard her saying that it was a good thing that I was sleeping there because once I got home I would probably be unable to sleep. In fact, it's not that I wanted her to believe because I thought she would get sad, it's just that it's better to pretend that this is real, I want to believe.
But, even though I stood there listening silently to all their words, it was still better, because I felt calm. That takes us straight to the point.
The horrible point.
I want company. Like, being with someone. Sure, that's not going to be an easy thing... but at least for a while having some friends around is working, even though it's not like having someone, who wants to really be with you and all that, it's still better than being with myself. I feel better if I get to sleep with these people around...
It's confusing. But at least admitting makes it easier I guess.
I still feel alone.
That's not going to last forever right?
It won't... it can't.


We'll find someone who can make you sleep... and you will be able to protect her... and at the end of the day it will feel like it was worth it... no matter what it costs...

In your doom

I would like to write about two things, I believe. But I'm not that much in the mood to create a whole story about these things. And maybe there aren't two of them.
I don't know. This day has began strangely. Maybe like every other day, who cares.
But it's not a bad day, just different.
I wonder... I need more tolerance to failure, that would help. Albeit not being that sad because of yesterday anyway.
Have you ever felt like the world is nothing but a giant whirlpool, slowly dragging you down? And down there we have something with enormous teeth... something like Charybdis perhaps. Or maybe there's just darkness down there, some kind of being made of void who just wants more darkness, and we humans, are full of it.
Misery loves company, that's what comes to the mind.
I wonder about the image that frequently comes to me, someone walking toward me, as if it had just came out of a fire, or, something disastrous. Maybe wanting revenge, it survived through hell and now wants it's reward, whatever that is. Sometimes it comes with a baseball bat in one hand, holding it behind his head, sometimes with an axe...
But that's not the point. Though I really would like to be able to share these images that appear in my mind, but I'm just not good in describing it.
I would like to hug her, that is, if she still needs it.
I was thinking on abandonment. During life that's one of our inherent abilities, abandoning people and things. It's not bad, sometimes can be used for good, but that's some activity we execute unconsciously. Some can stop it, or try to amend the situation, but all in all, it's not a thing people should feel so guilty about. It's a part of us, and if we drown into guilt, it will continue. We are made of these bad things.
Maybe our job is to go around amending things. Who knows. I like to think that even though evil may live inside of me, I can still do something good. It will never be enough though. But there's nothing holding me from trying, and if I succeed, I would have then defeated the odds that command this wacky world. And, oh well, I was born to fight against odds that stack and shouldn't be battled. But I've bought this fight, I've never liked to be human anyway.
Then I ask, who... or what, am I?
I'm not very sure, I'm just aware my mind keeps repeating "darkness loves you".
Don't tell me I'm a good person, that's a waste of effort.
I'm descending into madness I suppose, but that's okay. I was once I told I looked like a ''japanese cartoon character''. It looked nice I suppose. Maybe because I'm a bit looney. Maybe I was born as a lunatic, so I go around doing things that don't make complete sense. Creating my world that obeys no logical rules, because it looks better.
We need to stop.


I dare you try. Touch me and I'll eat your guts.