Enough

Trying to cry kid?
Maybe... I dunno.
Well, I guess yes, since there's the feeling of it, yet there's no fucking tear. But your eyes are dry.
I was once told that one of my problems were that I seeked acceptance so hard, trying to please others and denying myself.
Looks true.
Well, I did whatever I could this time. I know I might not be doing the most righteous thing but I did what was right. What seemed to be top priority.
I see. But aside from this... there's something else in your mind...
When is it enough? When will you stop requiring me to burn?
Perhaps when you have the guts to fight back.
I don't know... I'm lost. I plan on coming back but it's dangerous... I say to myself that I will not let it suck me again, but I know it's not true, it happened before.
You also feel they won't approve it. Perhaps asking for their help. It doesn't matter they don't have time or it's useless. Just fucking try. If they can't simply accept you then to hell with them all.
Fucking headache.

Drowning

Felling a bit tired. I guess that's good because it helps to sleep.
And it's not that bad when you sleep real fast, when you're tired and such. Like... 4 a.m. or something like that. I don't know if I should actually be feeling tired today, I guess yes because it was fun. And I won't enter this topic, it's pretty much arbitrary.
I don't know it feels like there are so many things bruising my mind. But it's... insignificant. Fucking charges. It's a little bit stupid when all you do isn't enough for yourself, because you felt like putting all efforts in doing it. Yet you feel like you could have done better. Who gives a shit anyway. At least the feedback was good.
Funny how these songs look like they were accelerated. Maybe that's because I'm a bit slow.
Perhaps I have watched more than my fair share of movies... no, that doesn't mean by any way that watching movies has a limit, movies are good. The problem is when you begin to get some troubles with them... when you can't keep your head on the real world.
Perhaps I'm just damn sleepy and refuse to yield to natural forces.
Maybe I'm just trying to be something I ain't, but then who is the real me? Is it possible to know that from other people?

Good times

It's been said that, if you miss something, you shouldn't get sad, but happy, because you've had something good.
There are many ways of looking at the act of missing something, you get either happy or sad, it's entirely up to you. I try to look in a manner that I get proud of at least once having it. Although ninety percent of the tries are bound to failure...
Is this what they call addiction? I don' know, it looks like something else. Something better. Addiction sounds so negative. But perhaps that's what the addicted think, because they can't see what it truly is, since they are glorifying and thus seeking it. You know, it feels like you can't have anything else like that one thing. Nothing else feels so good, so... rewarding.
Yet when you go for it, it's all but rewarding. It's frustrating. It's like throwing efforts through the window, until you can't even wake up anymore, but then minor rules change and you think that this time you may find satisfaction. Then you enter in a vicious circle that will drag you to hell. It takes a lot of time and strength to quit it. But then... you miss it.
Are we designed for failure?
This one question I don't think I'm able to answer and it may not even be the main point in here. The point is that there's fun at the initial moments. Of course, if there isn't even a nibble of fun, why would you seek it? As time pass, that fun looks more and more intense. Too fucking intense to be real.
But once, it was real, and that's what hurts most. Why did it stop?
Of course, because things change. Things have to change. So new things come and you uncover new horizons. But the scar stays there. Maybe not a scar, it's your job to shape your memory.
In most cases, the bad things shine through, leaving the good things at the shadows of forgetfulness. But in this case, not. The good things almost obliterate the bad ones. We have only a bleak memory of them, but we must mantain the bad moments in order to not enter the circle again. It's a though job because we keep on bruising ourselves so we can be fine, it's gross when you think about it, but it's life. Hurt to save.
It has happened before, and it will probably happen again. Life may be a vicious circle itself. Sometimes it seems more like a test of sanity.
I won't lose.
You can always talk to those who were there when there was fun, revive those moments together. It may not appear to be enough, I hope others feel like this. Sometimes I wonder if burying it down and denying it until it's demise will make it stop coming back now and then. It probably will, yet that's a part of me now. A part that I don't want to forget. Perhaps you can excel by throwing all this inner feeling somewhere. Perhaps you will drown in your own nostalgic nightmare.
Being too nostalgic is deadly.

Dependancy

Hm... I feel sleepy.
Yet I would like to write about a lot of things. Normally I would just keep sit here and write something but as lately I've been playing other rules, I'll go sleep.
Soon.
Been thinking a lot about dependancy. On people.
It's strange because there's a lot of things you can do to help yourself going ahead, but, there are some moments when you just can't help yourself. It's weird because you say all that's there to be said but you can't... comprehend what you just said. You need people to say the exact same shit so that you can understand.
No matter how you throw it, it doesn't seem to hit at all...
Well, I guess no one likes to be dependant on someone else. Or perhaps that's me, but who cares. So, why are we dependant? I'm not saying emotionally dependant, let's keep it clear. I'm talking about needing to hear certain things from people, cause you may know it already, but you just doesn't give it any value by yourself.
It's pretty dumb because there isn't any self mind control then, as it simply doesn't matter how much you know the answer, how calmly you can handle the problems, how "independant" you are. Because you will just deny your own solutions, even though they are the exact answers for your questions. So you end being a greater idiot. As you're worse than those who never had the fucking answers in the first place.
But on the other hand it can be thought of this... ''incompetence'' as a way to create social connections or making friendships stronger. Hence, a necessary thing.
Although, it sucks.

Sink

YOU JUST SIT THERE, OKAY?!
I don't fuckin' need your help, I just want you to hear.
And don't you dare saying that I'm being contradictory here, I didn't tell you to say a fuckin' word.
IF YOU GET UP AGAIN I'LL KILL YOU.
I can do this without your help, without anyone's help. Just keep quiet.
Have you ever felt like screaming? You know, this feeling of being suffocated. It makes me wanna scream the hell out of me, but I never scream. It's no use.
Ah, don't you say a word.
But it seems I'm always in this misery state, doesn't it? Don't answer.
You know you feel like you need to be taken care of, but you can't be taken care of, because you already had too much of that. BUT WHY DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED THAT EVEN THEN?
Is it my mind? Am I fucked up beyond any repair? IS THAT IT?
It keeps on coming back, why doesn't it stop? What am I supposed to do?
I'M FUCKING SINKING GOD DAMN IT!
You know, I know what to do, but I always stop before finishing it. I need to kill the agony, but at the same time I feel out of resources for it. There's no will anymore. Yet I managed to find will to get a hostage. It's contradiction at it's finest isn't it?
It's just...
I just feel like I have to be alone, but it's hard to do it.
Damn why don't someone just come here and destroy me?!
...
What...?

It's ok, it's ok...

Don't you dare hug me you stupid bitch.
I'll fucking kill you.

No, you won't. And I'm not destroying you. That's not what I want.

...

First blood

I take the knife out of her neck.
I... I... can't believe it. She's stopped, thrown in the floor as someone who faints while dancing. But her paint on the floor shows she's not recovering consciousness any soon.
It's tragical, yet comical. My hands keep on shaking, it's just so... amazing.
She's so cold and lifeless... I don't know if I laugh or if I die. I hold her hand... feels like holding a plastic doll.
She's here, she's here, lying down. Yet doesn't feel like she's here, and there's a bit of her on this knife.
I... killed?
This is so exciting!
I can't control the thoughts in my head. It's a rush of emotions and ideas, it can't be described, I got her!
The fear, the anger, the joy, the energy...
What to do now? What can I do now?
I can get rid of the body, but how? I can do anything!
I can chop it to pieces and feed it to dogs, I can burn her and use as organic fertilizer, I can bury...
They can't find me, haha, I feel so alive, I can't control myself!
You're mine, babe, you're mine now.
But... what if she comes back to life? No, no, I can't allow that. You won't come back, I ensure you. I will cut you 'til you can't come back, you will see!
There will be cuts in every inch of your neck, and arms, and head... you won't come if there's no blood to come right?
She didn't answer my question... maybe she really is dead, or maybe she is ignoring me... don't you dare ignore me, I'm not letting you come back. Don't you think I'm gonna leave you here so someone finds you and you tell them about me. No no, that won't happen.
I cut her head out, done.
Oh man, this is so exciting. A million emotions in less than a second.
I can't be stopped.