Perhaps...?

So, how is it going? How are you doing, my knight from hell?
I'm not very fine...
What's the matter?
I think... there's something wrong... do you feel a bit crazed?
No. Why?
I guess... I'm feeling.
Oh, crazed like... what?
You know, when you can't focus in something and...
Focus in what?
Focus in what you have to do, you just keep on warping back to the visions...
The visions. Heh, well, that's going away soon, as long as you only continue it in your mind. If it never makes it's way into the real world, it's not much of a big deal.
I wish it could come to reality...
Yeah, that would be nice. It would be different, so it would be nice to see what would come next. So, even after apparently succeding at your text, you feel bad because of not being able to focus?
Yes.
The whole thing is solely based on that?
Maybe not... you remember, the car crash...
You see, it had nothing to do with us and we had to go to where we had to be. Gotta do what you have to do.
But I have this weird feeling that we had to do something else, not just what they say we have to do because we had an ''appointment''.
Do not come with this good citizen crap, we had no way to help her.
Just showing that you care, sometimes that helps...
Let me make this clear to you, WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. We had to be somewhere else so we couldn't just stop and pose as nice guys. We didn't even know what to do, heck, even now we don't know what we could have done.
When it happened to us we also didn't know what to do and it was horrible. There was pretty much nobody at our side at the moment and you remember very well how it felt.
We don't even know her very well.
That's not a very good argument...
Ok, next time, go and do something. Let's see just how stupid you end looking like. Maybe then, just maybe, you get to understand that DOING THIS, WON'T MAKE HER MAGICALLY LIKING YOU. Don't pretend, I know very well what you were thinking. Even though it wasn't a primary thought, it was there, and you don't help people with these intentions. And don't look at me like that, you know the rules. We're better alone.
...


I still feel a bit weird... am I going mad...?

Pretending

Lazy as hell in here... and my eye insists on bother me, I would take it out if I could, if I could.
But there are other things more important to focus now. I wish I could still write about these things I see in my head but for now I don't it would be okay. Been thinking about this whole pretending situation, so, we had an answer that said that pretending only gives you a life of falsehood, and to really live peacefully you gotta not pretend. I don't really agree with that. It would be better if we could just generalize it and then all live as they are and not hiding what they feel. But, humans are not homogeneous. Then, into our equation comes these people who don't really feel as much as their fellows. If they don't pretend to be ''as happy'' as others, this will create worry among them. And then their behaviour might just aggravate problems.
I'm not even talking about dangerous people, we don't need to go that extreme.
It would be better if we actually were homogeneous, right? So everyone would care about the same things and all. In fact, that sucks, but, no one would need to pretend they actually care about something they just can't wait to go away. Well, this is just a rant about some silly situation. Childish behaviour that is now set as default.
It could be said that I envy these people that get happy for pretty much everything. But I don't think that's quite about it... there's something more, I don't know. It's quite silly to look for something you don't want to find, ain't it?

Terror da saudade infinita

Vamos fazer algo mais experimental dessa vez. Ou não.
Como sempre, eu devia estar dormindo mas não deu, e eu tentei mesmo. E cheguei bem perto, mas um mosquito amaldiçoado decidiu que não era pra ser. Acho que não é a hora certa pra escrever isso aqui também, mas a gente esperou, esperou e a hora certa nunca veio. No momento assisto estruturas se desfazendo num quadro de areia, adoro essas destruições graduais que você pode criar nele. Enquanto isso, palavras vão desaparecendo da minha cabeça. Mas não foi pra isso que eu comecei isso aqui.
Na verdade agora ficou meio confuso a razão de ter iniciado esse experimento. Ah sim, não está em inglês porque eu não achei um substantivo legal pra saudade em inglês. Lembro de uma historinha antiga falando sobre o fato de não existir algo como "saudade" em outras línguas, o que não quer dizer que não sintam e tal, bom, dá pra ficar refletindo sobre a razão disso mas não importa.
Pra continuar enrolando um pouco, eu gosto da palavra "terror". Soa bonito, sei lá por quê. Quando a "infinita", bom, é isso aí e pronto. Nem tudo que passa pela nossa cabeça temos total controle.
Talvez eu continue isso aqui em alguma outra oportunidade, também chamada de madrugada-que-não-consegui-dormir. Então agora temos o primeiro passo, que é o mais difícil de todos, o começo.
Como eu já disse, essa não parece ser a hora certa porque não estou sentindo saudade, pelo menos não significativamente. Acho que somos destinados a sentir saudade ao longo da vida porque não podemos manter tudo. Mas pelo menos não vivemos morrendo de saudade em tempo integral. Mas infelizmente sei que cedo ou tarde vou sentir isso denovo. Então talvez seja interessante tentar falar sobre o assunto sem estar "envolvido".
Suponho que eu não seja o único que associe músicas a jogos e jogos a momentos da vida. Eu sinto falta de jogar, jogar de verdade. Infelizmente o tempo realmente vai se tornando escasso conforme você cresce. Jogar de verdade é se perder jogando, não ver as horas passar, do tipo, mais de 10 horas seguidas, é, pense a merda que quiser, mas é isso mesmo. Jogar 2 horas por dia pensando o que você vai ter que fazer assim que acabar de jogar ou pensando em ficar ligado no tempo pensando que você vai acabar prolongando a jogada e acabar perdendo tempo precioso, não, não é jogar. Pode ser divertido, de qualquer forma, principalmente com a galera e tudo mais, mas não é jogar de verdade. Eu geralmente considero as coisas que eu sinto bestas porque não condizem muito com o "padrão". Do tipo sentir falta de jogar com certas pessoas e tudo mais, e jogar por horas a fio. E dormir depois que o sol aparece pra acordar 4 horas depois e continuar jogando freneticamente. Claro, não é saudável, mas são riscos que eu não me importo de correr. Riscos...
Também sinto falta de coisas que nunca existiram, acho que isso é relativamente comum também. E agora me pergunto se sentir falta de coisas que nunca aconteceram porque provavelmente só acontecem em livros ou filmes se encaixa nesse quesito. Acho que não, você não sente falta, você apenas queria que acontecesse. Ou talvez sinta falta da existência desses eventos. Bom, essa é uma coisa meio ruim de sentir porque tem sempre aquela voz que te diz pra calar a boca porque infelizmente, essas coisas não existem. Sinto falta dessas coisas bobas que talvez pudessem acontecer na vida real mas são bem complexas de se organizar... bom, tudo que depende da vontade de terceiros se torna nebuloso.
Sinto saudade de sensações também. De sentir medo vendo filmes de terror. Sabe, aquele medo que você tem quando criança, sabe que vai ter, sabe que não vai conseguir dormir, mas ainda assiste o filme? Era gostoso, tem gente que não gosta mas aí é questão de gosto. Sinto falta do frio da madrugada quando o sol começa a aparecer, mas esse eu consigo arranjar. Também sinto falta de andar com alguém por aí aleatoriamente na chuva, é diferente de andar sozinho na chuva, não que este último não seja bom, de qualquer forma. Tem também a falta de confiança no que pode vir a seguir, talvez porque antigamente parecia mais simples confiar plenamente nas pessoas. Essa... essa acho que é uma falta que veio pra ficar. Também tenho saudades do tempo em que não era tão difícil fingir para as pessoas. Mas acho que no fim das contas é necessário parar de fingir mesmo. E de não gostar de ninguém, mas essas coisas mais humanas não adianta muito reclamar porque vêm e vão independente da sua aprovação.
E mais algumas outras centenas de coisas.
Mas até que não foi tão mal assim...
Sua saudade parece nunca acabar também?

As the ground crumbles...

When is enough?
We'll set the way into insanity, just to see what happens. I miss my needs, I miss my desires...
But that's the world. And while there's no light, there won't be darkness... I urge you to save me, but, do I want to be saved? I'm losing it. Each time I hear the explosions, each time I see them killing, I wonder, I just wonder. People like me, I need to find them. I can see the beauty in things but I'm immune to it. Just, doesn't work, anymore. But I still see some thoughts of clarity and kindness. I'll be fine, I can deal with pretty much eveything I've created in my reign. I just can't deal with you...

It's cold under the artistic sky

The day, today. An interesting one. One of those you can't trully define whether it was good or not, since negative things tend to impress more than positive, perhaps I could say it wasn't good, but I don't know. It had it's merits.
Good to see some people again. Lots of people spawning today, good.
But what got me really was something else, it was cold. But not extreme cold, just that cold you normally get in the morning as the sun rises. And I've got to see it rising, even though not from a very privileged location, it was pretty. The early sun is always the best. And, it was cold.
Perhaps not sleeping has led me to some wacky ideas but I'm quite sure the sky was different today. Sure, it wasn't green with black spots nor something like that. It was just blue, but a very beautiful one, with those clouds that look like white paint used on some surface. In fact, I can't describe it very well, I can just say that while there was light in the sky it looked very, artistic. I walked around looking at the sky, well, no remorse.
Ironic to see such a sky in times like these. But maybe that's just a sign of ''shit blows up, but life goes on''.
Well, this is for hoping tomorrow turns out to be a better day. No limits for hoping, right?

Back to the fiery pits

Argh.
How many more do we have to stand to come back to those days where things seemed to be the least normal? Don't answer, I know there's no turning back. There will never be. We walk ahead, always facing what comes next, everytime you try to look back, you will be hit in the head by something you weren't expecting to hit you, but they were always waiting for the opportunity to lay you low.
What is it that makes us feel alive? Are we to supposed to feel alive? ARE we alive? What gives you strength to want to see the next day, the sun will rise just like always, perhaps you won't see it because of a cloudy sky, but it is still there, it is still the same thing, and we are perhaps living the same shit again and again, just going worse because it has to be this way. Sooner or later we have to get out of this to let other come, and that's about it.
What should we do? You try to answer this but you can't. It looks like we are all empty vessels by now. We are just trying to go somewhere but we are too screwed to do something. It doesn't matter who are you trying to take with you, we are all bound to the same pit. And believe me, we are going down, doesn't matter how safe and confident you feel. I haven't decided yet what is worse, the self-assurance or the uncertainty. There are neither qualities or defects. It's all a bunch of things we get around us to fight others. It's an all-out war outta here, and boy, we're going down.
This time I really tried, but it's 5:45 a.m. I gave up at 5:20 a.m. Was there someone else out there with the same mishappening? If there is, I'm sorry, but I think we are enemies also.
And friends, are the ones you can bring down without having them notice it.


If things ever get out of plans, will you be there to stop me?

Weirdness

I could say these are weird times, perhaps dark times. But I don't know, even though things look somewhat awry, they also seem to be so... unimportant, like, it's no use to bother about it. That's quite good if you think about it, too much worry is harmful... but maybe being out of touch with things is also harmful.
Anyway, this anesthesia feels better. But I guess worrying is something I can never stop doing since I feel like there's something wrong. And it probably will grow into something huge and damaging in the future. But... well... let's enjoy it for now. I've gotta say, there's this uneasy feeling anytime I think about it, maybe these are bipolar times in fact.
But it rained today. That's good, it's awesome to drive alone in the night while it rains, when you realize you're nearly the only one in the streets and the post and the city lights are still there for you. Somehow it feels amazing, I don't really know why but it feels like going somewhere, instead of the normal traffic jams and crowded streets.
I still have to write some texts, just don't know exactly how to start, it's good to keep the ones around you knowing you like them. But I guess that will wait a little. Some people are trully remarkable... that's all I can say. And I know everything will be fine, I know. But it's better when there's someone there to reassure you about that.
All in all, this was just random babbling, we haven't gotten anywhere. But, you've gotta start the engines before the long race.

Routing

Soooo, having fun?
Sure, it's always a pleasure to give up to addiction. Well, sometimes.
Good. So, what's next?
I don't know. I was told to change my daily routine, but I still haven't got a clue in how to proceed. Got any?
Not one that could be put in practice in real conditions...
What about the ones that can put in practice under unreal conditions?
Well, we could travel.
Travel?
Yeah, not like getting an airplane to another country, no, nothing like that. I thought about something more... unpretentious. Like cruising the country!
That can end costing just about an international travel... maybe even more.
But we would get to know lots of places and people, that can't be a daily routine so it would be a real breaker.
What else?
We could, start some ludicrous class, like... sword fighting.
Something like kendo perhaps?
Yeah... that would be the easiest, or you could get one of those medieval swords that are super cool and train alone, or use the internet to be your master.
Haha, train sword fighting with the internet?
Yeah, there's pretty much anything in these sites, you just have to look for a good one, just like hunting classes in the real world and such.
Looks interesting, but would require a lot of focus to train by myself right?
Sure, but if you want to break the routine, you have to put your efforts into it. See, most people use the verb want in first person just because they couldn't waste some processing time in finding a word that's more suitable. Since they don't really want it, they just would like it to happen out of thin blue, get it? Pretty much like the verb ''love'' nowadays.
I see... well, this one looks more feasible than getting my car and going anywhere I can end going to.
And, you get a sword!
...Yeah.
Let's see, you could... ask someone about some random party and then go there.
Random party?
Yeah, like... ''what's up tonight?''.
And then, I would go to this party, that could be at the other side of the city, with who knows who in it... well, it's feasible...
Ain't it? And you could even get some free sprite if you get into a nice party.
Well, this one isn't really impossible. And I suppose it's the closer we have to what we were told...
Would be a fun combo breaker wouldn't it?
Well, maybe, as much as it could be fun it could suck...
Yeah, but I don't think you are in position to consider how bad things can get, right?
I guess so... any other ideas?
None that I can remember now boss. But don't worry, we'll get something.
I'm sure we will...
I don't feel like you really believe this.
Well, I don't, but who knows right? Maybe someday... I just hope things will be okay after all.
Oh, it will, I'm sure of it!
Heh, thanks.
It will be okay.

Ascending?

I know you said ''so be it'' that way because you didn't approve what was coming next. I know you wanted things to be different, I wanted it too. But let's face it, we are condemned to repeat this, over and over again. As soon as we begin, it will feel like it was exactly what we had to do, then hours will pass by as quickly as possible. The ecstasy will then start to fade, and then we will dive into a dark hole. As we delve further into the darkness we'll face the inverse feeling, it will be melancholic and bleak, things will look dead and probably we'll get to see enemies where we have never seen. Then something out of nowhere, without any warning, will get us to a flight out of the black hole. We'll probably think that's some kind of sign or that things are changing, but believe me, they will not. I'm telling you this, because I was there once. In fact, not only once. It never changes. But, you can't stop trying right? It never changes because we've never seen it changing, but once it happens, then it has happened. Up to you to take the risk anyway. So, will you accompany me through another cycle?