Ways

We meet again boy...
Yup.
I presume you know why am I here.
Not a guess.
We've seen some uncommon activity lately, and everything leads to you.
Me? Does it look like I represent any harm to you?
To me? Well... to me you represent nothing more than mediocrity. But, it seems like there's something I'm not noticing. The whole world believes you are the cause of such... imbalance.
Your world beliefs mean nothing to me.
I already expected such sharp reception.
So?
Well, I believe we have to talk.
About what?
Whatever you feel like talking.
I feel like telling you to go to hell.
Exactly why?
Listen. I don't feel like talking to an idiot just because it came from another world after me. If there's imbalance in your world, then you're better dead because there's nothing you can do and perhaps you all deserve to rot.
Keep it going, boy.
So you can stay playing the psychiatrist because there's nothing you can do. So am I the source of your problems? Kill me then.
You know more than anyone that killing you won't solve our problems.
So? Accept your fate and go fuckin' die. It's already crappy enough, why do you come to bother me? You act like you knew all about me, then why don't you just get what you want from my mind and get out? I don't give a shit to your world and I probably never will. It's mere existance provokes me distaste.
Actually, boy, I've came to talk about something... more specific.
Be quick.
I came to offer you a chance to live in our world.


What lacks in fact, is will.
So, give him will. Breathe life into this deceased body.
That's not possible, at least as long as he wants to stay like this. No external force or being took his energy, he was his own killer. It seems it was a gradual process, he ended up dead by his own choices.
But... so he's going to stay like this forever??
No. In some time, he'll die, for real. Then he won't be no different than all those graveyard dwellers.
That's not right.
But that's how he wanted it to be.
But... you HAVE to help him, please make him want to live!
I'm not the right person for this task.
Who is??
Look, if I knew, I would bring this person here right away, ok?
It's not fair, he's dependant on someone who probably doesn't know he's here, nor that he's like this. How can we find someone who wants to help him regain his will to live?
Searching...
It's going to take ages.
So we'd better hurry.
Sure...


There's two paths. One will keep you walking in circles. The other goes through hatred and destruction. It might take some friends away. It might have no way back. You'll probably take a long time to recognize yourself after it. You may bring sorrow to the life of those whom you care. It can end on pure disaster. It's sometimes called the selfish way.
And, most important, you will never regret it.

Shatter

Empathy: the ability to sense and understand someone else's feelings as if they were one's own.
Apathy: lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
Looks like we have a shitload of troubles around here.
I saw a man have his ankles smashed by a sledgehammer. He cried in pain while his torturer believed he was doing it for greater good, since then he wouldn't be able to escape. Indeed, it was just a movie. But my friends felt his pain, while his bones were shattered and his feet twisted. I felt... nothing. I understand it was painful, but it didn't seem to have any effect on me. There was no agony, no awry feeling. Perhaps this is an isolated case, maybe I'm not in the mood for empathy today. Well, there's a million possibilities.
Yet I felt so weird the day my aunt came to me crying during dawn, for her newly born son only cried and cried and she didn't know what to do. I stood there by her side, though I couldn't find words to say, as I wanted to say something. It's good to comfort and console people. Very good actually. Sometimes I feel like I need people's sorrow. I like to help in these cases.
Even though it may end in ways we couldn't possibly expect.
It's hard to behave when you don't know how you should behave. All I have in mind is that I don't want to be a pain for her. Guess I'll talk to her about this soon.
Asking for pardon in advance.

The way things are

I find beauty in moments that are too common...
Well, I guess many also do that. But I just got the idea on writing about it now. Here I am looking through the window, it's raining weakly. It's aroung 5 p.m. by now so it's getting dark, the sky is in a light grey tone that's just terrific. So I stay here listening to Otyg and looking at the rain, it can't be described with words.
Indeed, it seems to be a sad moment, and I guess it really is. But, there's some beauty inherent to some sad moments. Thus making them not that sad.
I feel like listening to some slower song these times, but as Otyg was playing before and to me it matched the circunstamces, it remained playing.
It makes me remember yesterday, when I was coming back to home after class during the morning. The sky was pretty awesome that time. Pretty usual, blue with some clouds here and there. But somehow it just seemed to be the perfect background.
Ah, these afternoons.
It remember me the times when we stood playing for hours while it rained. Of course, in case there was bright sun, we would play the same way, but with the rain it was... just better. We could watch movies also. Damn.
Sure, we can do that now, but it just doesn't feel like before. And my nature of missing the past so much will keep on hammering this in my head. Shit I miss those times.
Things have changed. Well, things have to change, that's life.
I understand that, and don't get me wrong, I'm not mourning over and over about it. Nor I like to talk about that. But I guess sometimes people just have to... discharge. Perhaps that's one thing that has changed. For better, probably.
Yet I don't feel comfortable on talking about these matters. But who cares? Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
And this year continues to rage. Sometimes I start to wonder what am I becoming, then I slap myself and continue to walk. That's one of the major changes (although it doesn't happen every time).
It was almost a week ago...
Sometimes I find it stupid that it's been more than 19 years and yet I ain't used to most life mechanics. But my opinion is biased.
It could be colder today.
They say that if you miss things very much, it's because those were good things, so you should be happy to have had them. But, it seems so bad when you miss, it's strange. But I guess that on the brighter side, I have a load of stories to tell. And a lot of things that I should help people remember.
It should be colder today.

Disarm

Are you okay?
Why the fuck do you keep asking how am I, if I'm fine, all this crap??
I...
Stop talking like a crybaby. And don't you even fucking think about crying. Now that's it, wipe these tears. NOW. Listen, if you ever ask me again this crap...
I just ask because I care about you.
What...?


Don't you miss being disarmed?
What do you mean?
Like, when someone does something that you didn't expect at all. But in a good way.
Hm...
Like when you faced the clown some days ago. And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.
Well... indeed it was good, but it got some awful consequences...
But at the moment it feels good. Even though the awful things happened, at the exact moment you got disarmed you felt good.
But what's the point of feeling good if sooner you feel horrible?
Well, that's life...
But I miss it... a little...
I find it fantastic, I mean, this ability to disarm. It's pretty nice because, well, there are people out there that live armed to the core... like you. So it's a chance to feel calm at least once, feel like the world could go to the hell damned pit it came, it's matterless. You gotta keep these few people close man.
Says you.
Nah... it's serious. That warm feeling, it's priceless. Specially for...
Whatever dude...
...the disheartened.


I wish I had this ability.
Maybe you have, it's just that these things people tend to keep for themselves, selfish bastards.
Haha, but there's no way to discover if I have?
Guess there isn't. Unless they are very transparent, but I doubt so.
Well, just keep moving right?
Hell yeah!


Don't you have any will left?
Will?
You know... don't you want to do something?
Not as far as I know...
You make so many plans... but you stay mostly in this ridiculous inertia.
Perhaps I'm making plans to the wrong direction.
So... why don't you change directions?
I don't know...
We're screwed.


I stay in this cottage, hearing the rain. It seems like the last rain I'll witness. I can't move to anywhere else, I can just wait 'til death comes. Soon there will be water everywhere, and no more roof, no more walls. I would like to ask for forgiveness, I'm sorry for anything I might have done to your harm. I did not mean to scare. And I also don't know if I actually scared you, but I feel like apologizing. It seems like my sins shall never be forgiven, for I can't accept forgiveness. But still, I'm sorry for anything. That's it.

Prove

You know what's this?
Erh... chocolate?
Almost. This IS chocolate, but it's also more.
So this is not chocolate?
Do not pretend to be stupid, this is chocolate.
...?
But it also is your chance to get your soul back.
I... lost my soul??
Not exactly, you're just at the brinks of losing it.
Why??
You failed many times, if you don't make a hit this time, we won't need you anymore. Got it?
I got it... but I don't understand what a snack can do for me...
You will be given the instructions tomorrow. JUST. DON'T. FAIL. AGAIN.

Rest

I guess I need to take a break.
You know, get away from people, lessen social contact. Perhaps I've developed some kind of dependancy on that. Crap.
I don't know I just keep thinking about the cool things that happened today and thinking that it all may mark this day as awesome, as it was planned to be, but these might just be illusions, so it was just a normal day. So many stupid thoughts...
I can just stop thinking and say that today was just very below expectations, and that's it. But it seems I'm still reluctant to accept that.
Anyway, hope it rains now. Almost time to sleep, it would be good. Tomorrow is the first day of classes and I just fucking don't know how I feel about it. Because of these goddamn thoughts. I am giving importance to things that aren't important...
Looks like I've just lost the way once again. But I can handle this.
It's funny how anger rises when in touch with situations you can't figure out how to solve...
I think about thanking people for all and then just disappearing but that would make unnecessary worries. It must be gradual, though fast. All dependancy must be eliminated.

The last day

Tomorrow is the last day.
Well, not exactly the last day, since there will be more last days ahead until the real last day. But looking at it in a narrower time range, tomorrow is the last day.
It has to be intense...
But how...?

Rain

Rained yesterday.
But not a common rain, more like... those nice rains you mostly see on television. You know, it's pretty dark and the wind almost isn't blowing. The rain begins calmly, the raindrops are heavy, falling vertically. No wind, you hear the sound of the rain perfectly, hitting leaves, creating puddles. These rains last long, most times, but today it lasted for around twenty minutes, although, even if they end, they leave a cold feeling, and cold weather is better than hot weather.
Well... I like rain...
It's just so weird this feeling of having things to talk but... not being able to. These are strange times indeed. But that's a good thing, while things are strange you don't get used to it then you get more active, sort of.
At this exact moment things are a little awry, but it can be fixed. The problem of missing something you can't get is pretty stupid...
Well, at least I have these rains, while the raining season last...
I guess I lately need people to give me limits... I simply can't get enough of things...

Facing

It's raining like there's no tomorrow out there...
I lay in my bed looking at the lightnings crossing the sky. The curtains in the window are totally opened so that I can see it all. The flashes never stop.
I keep on thinking about... thinking. As strange as it may sound, it's pretty simple. I'm the kind of person that doesn't think twice before acting, it's more like I think a few dozen times. This behavior has already gave me it's fair share of troubles.
Although, as mostly anything, it has it's good moments, it's very useful to think a lot before talking when you are angry. I can not say it has only made things go worse.
Recently (recently is kinda relative, it will probably depend on your own idea of time), I had made a goal of thinking less before acting, and I gotta say, to many things, it worked wonderfully. And to some, things turned out disastrous, but, as mostly anything have a good side, they must have a bad side, so this is something to be forgiven.
After all, it ends on the same subject, balance. By taking things to extreme conditions, you've gotta expect to face serious consequences. Well, I dislike balance mostly because it's so grotesquely hard to achieve, but that's ok. Let's just not stick to this subject.
The thing is, I still haven't totally defeated the exaggerated thinking behavior. At first I wasn't willing to finish my goal, since it seemed like a hopeless fight. But this very day my mother told me something that got me thinking (not the bad thinking, as sometimes, you gotta think a little). She said I took a little longer than normal to start walking when I was a baby (or a child, I don't know at which time babies get promoted to the rank of children), because I didn't try much. I was afraid of failing and falling.
Well, that's the whole thing, if you were expecting some good story with an enthusiastic moral, time to lament. I don't know if this makes sense to most people, or any people, but, hearing that made me get up and finish what I had began.
At some topics, I'm a pool of fear. When I face the few things that actually fright me, I get really owned. That's what it was all about anyway, fear.
There are fears and fears. And some actually feel pretty good. I plan on writing about fear someday.
I can defeat the fear I have. Because I fueled it all this time. I created it from the beginning. It depends on me to survive, fear is like a pet. Once you stop giving a damn to it, almost impossible that you will come back to give it real attention.
And then, it dies.

D632009, part 1

Pretty dark... as ever.
This seems to be my grandmother's house. It is, at least it is just the same way it has ever been in this world. Perhaps a bit darker, but no problem in that.
The house seems somewhat inhabited, I can't understand why it is clean, yet abandoned. My relatives should be here, at least one of them. I go into the room where we used to gather and talk, there's this big bed in there. The window is opened... the wind is blowing so weakly, so... dead.
I feel like there's someone else in the house, or something else. My head is somewhat confused, I feel like I was being watched outside the house, but my memory is so gray. I can't understand why I see it in such a gray tone, so blurred, because I was there just a few minutes ago.
What the hell is going on here...?
All of a sudden, my vision dims...


I'm now with some friends in their car. We're having a tour through the city.
There's a boy, C., and a girl, A., with me in the car, we're at my hometown, though this is a place I've never came before. It's getting dark, it might be late afternoon now.
We stop by the sidewalk, where many other cars are parked in a line. My friends say that in this street we can find one of the best pubs in town. We go by foot then. The buildings around us look pretty untidy, old. There are people walking too, they are pretty strange if you ask me. So... quiet. When they speak, it's normally small phrashes. Perhaps they just aren't much of the talkative kind of people...
As we advance through the street, we go into more crowded areas, now it's actually looking like a normal place. It seems more... lively. I don't if all these people are just talking small random phrases and it seems like normal talk because of the crowds, this whole place looks suspicious now...
We reach the end of the street. C looks a bit stunned, there's no cool pub here. Did he misunderstood the information? Or... was he given the wrong directions? We stand by the side of a phone booth, there's indeed a pub here, but it looks too old and... crappy. There are some men playing cards in a wooden table at the extreme left of the pub, close to another building. We stand there looking for some moments, I can't really tell how much time, though I can guarantee it wasn't long.
Then it appears.
The wall bursts and it passes through the hole, the men playing cards get scared to death. They are lucky to be unharmed by the parts of the wall that flew when it appeared. But it then proceeds to attack them, squeezing the head of one of them. With just one hand. There were three other men at that table, two of them get up to run away, but the thing punches one with such a brute force that he's sent flying to the other corner of the place. It then grabs a big glass on the table and pierces it through the head of the man that stood sit in his chair, paralyzed by fear. The glass goes into his head like there was actually no bone in there, it seems so easy. He falls back shortly after, lifeless.
We stood there, astonished. The thing then turns to us and start walking. It's some fast walk, but not like it was running, doesn't look like it could run anyway. I now have a clearer vision of it, at least it appears to be humanoid. It's torso and arms are massive, by looking at his muscles it's not impressive how it sent a man flying with a punch. The legs look smaller and weaker. The face can not be seen, as it wears some kind of mask. But there doesn't seem to be any hole in this mask, I wonder how it breath, if it actually breathes... it's a big, gray mask, with big empty eye sockets, no mouth. The head is just a few inches bigger than a human's head, but the thing has double the height of a normal man.
We turn back to start running. But then we discover that no one else is running. They are mostly... stopped. And when come close to some of them, they actually get on our way. It seems they don't want us to pass. We ask what are they doing, but it falls on deaf ears. It appears they want the thing to kill us, but they can't seem to understand it will probably kill them too. Or perhaps... they know they'll die, they just want us to die...

Hunting Innocence

You believe there's still innocence left in this world?
Sure, why not? After all there are so many things hidden, untouched by human's poison.
Poison?
Yeah, the greed, the hatred... humanity destroys everything that's nearby.
But... there's a flaw here.
What?
You said, that we were hunting people that could serve as proof that innocence exists. But then, you say that humans are the destroyers of innocence. How can you explain that? And the idea of hunting, it feels more like you're willing to corrupt innocent... or kill 'em.
Why would I want to corrupt them?
Well, believe it or not, but you're human as well. I've been fighting by your side without any question all this time, but now I begin to question myself about your own motives.
I have no interest in raising the number of corrupted ones. And I guess I've been exaggerating about the whole corruption thing. It's not true that every single person will be corrupted when in touch with society. Some people can stand to that situation, these are the ones we look for. Why I use the term "hunting"? Well, let's just say that I like it, and we are in a hurry.
So... we're in a hurry?
Yes.
So... we hunt innocence so that you can have a reverse corruption?
What??
These people that can stand to corruption. You want to find them so that you can cleanse yourself, because you believe they perhaps have this power. And you feel guilty for some things you done in your past, so you made this hunt your priority.
...
C'mon, let's find 'em.

At the docks

You look sad...
It's nothing.
You sure?
Well... I don't know... I could talk to you now or just let it sleep within time.
Up to you.
Either way goes to the same place I guess.
Hm... it's said that, sometimes what matters isn't the place you're going, but the way you use. Of course, you can just stay there lamenting, 'til you get tired and sleep and forget it all. Or until you find a bigger problem and give it more attention. Or you can just talk and relax.
Have you ever...
Have I ever killed? Positive.
No, don't play the funny one. Have you ever felt sad for no reason?
No reason?
Yeah.
Are you sure? No reason at all? Perhaps you are forgetting something.
I don't think so. It's like... you're living a different world. Like, you have your own reality and when you have to come back the "real" reality you can't make it. You can't stand living outside of your own reality because it just seems so much... better.
I thought you were doing well in the real world this time. At least you seemed to be getting through the hardships.
I found some ways to achieve happiness in this world, but they are too short-lasting...
Well, if you look through another point of view, that's good, because by not having them too much, you learn to value 'em more.
I know, it's just that... I'm being greedy, or childish, I don't know... there's no problem after all...
Hey, calm down, there is a problem. If this bothers you, then it is a problem, what you have to do is find a way to fix it.
Do you think that deep down every single human is an obssessive killer?
Ah... that's a tough one. I don't really know what to answer. Why this question all of a sudden?
Nothing... you know what? Let's go do something.
As you wish.

Problems

I'm here again.
This time just thinking about these strange parts of being yourself. The ones in which you get stuck between two realities.
It's not that I'm sad, I understand that it seems like I simply force myself to stay on a permanent misery state. I just, stay this way sometimes, but it will be over soon. It's just, a side effect for thinking too much about things.
I always liked to hear people's troubles. I don't know why exactly, but I like to help. I know in most cases there's not much I can do but, perhaps just having someone to hear you can make a difference. Makes me feel useful...
Sometimes I feel like I hunt sadness in those around me, like... waiting for something bad happens so I can be useful. I know this isn't true, just a harmless thought.
It's pretty good when people thank you, and you actually feel you deserve it, there are no words to describe it at the moment. But there's the other situation, the one in which you can't help at all. You can just sit there and listen to their troubles, you can't even talk a thing because... you simply don't know. Even though you might have past through a similar situation, even though you previously found the answer for that particular question, there isn't something you can do. You can ressurrect the past situation, you can feel all the pain again, but it's just helpless.
What hurts most is that, I can't help them.


You can't save them. For they must save themselves, just as you're the only one who can save yourself. You already do much by hearing them. Wanting to take all the suffering in their place is just not right, no matter if you could really take it or not. People have to take on the suffering, it makes them grow up, it's, perhaps, the best teacher life can give you. You can decide to take more classes or simply learn the lesson, it's up to you. It's important to have friends to help you when the real troubles happen, but it's also important to keep in mind that they are after all, humans like you and they have problems also. They will do what they can do in order to help you, but the problems are only really over when you face them. Also, I would seriously advise you not to run away and pretend it's over. Life has prepared several mechanisms to keep the action going. They can track your mind, no matter where you go, they will be there with you.


Fuckin' words...