Holding hands in hell

Aye, captain.
Mr. smith...
Mon colonel...
Blister...
We're all here sir...


I wrote many times about this one feeling.
Mostly, it turned out to be nothing. At the bitter end, words mean nothing without actions.
The bitter end.
Through all these years of words at the wind, I've received your support. Even when all was set to failure, you've still stood there for me. And I know, I failed far too many times. And I know, I've taken the easiest path too much. It's easier to accept failure when all you do is think about failing. It's easy to get used to failing. Mostly, you have to do nothing.
I know some of you are already tired of these words, I've got to say I am. That small part of me that always had the hope now is fading, many times threatened and tortured.
But it is still there. It may be too late indeed. But it's there.
But, even after many disappointments, even after some leaving, even after every single odd stacking against us, we are still here.
I can't even ask you to stay anymore, I'd rather tell you all to leave, but this is not an option now. To tell the truth, I still don't know how to deal with what lies ahead. Obliteration might be awaiting us all. We can just imagine what lies beyond, we can feel the rotten desire for flesh that exhales ahead.
At the bitter end.
But this time. This time, my old friends, we can think of the possibility of a sweet ending. Even with the demon of failure walking toward us, I beg you remember, remember that we once were in a different place, remember, that this is not where we belong, and it doesn't matter what comes next, we can make it happen. We always could.
My only remorse now is that I have brought you into this, I have never believed myself enough to praise something more than plain failure. Even with each and every one of you trying to prove me wrong.
I'm afraid. It's true, I don't know about you, my fellow soldiers, you were always proving to be braver than me in so many levels. But I still wish to try. Even now that the scars and the dust embraced your bodies, even after witnessing insanity at it's best, I believe I'm still at the side of some of the most incredible warriors this world has ever had. And I'm proud of, at least once, being the leader you all thought I was. If I die this time, I'm dying with the honour of meeting all of you.
Whatever comes next, whenever it comes. Even without the glory of our finest days.
We'll fight together. As it was meant to be.
We enter hell. As one.

Just to sleep

I can remember the time when we had bullets flying around, everyday... can you remember that?
Slightly, seems like too remote times.
I miss that.
Why, exactly?
Because, it seemed to be what we were born to do.
It was dangerous.
Well, life is dangerous right? We all end dead after all.
You got what I meant. Just because you will end dead anyway doesn't mean you can go mad around risking your neck.
But, we never died...
Oh, really? I am surprised.
Oh, come on, you know you liked it.
I never said I didn't...
Even though it was dangerous, it felt like it was what we knew, you see? The thing that we can do through all our lives and still feel happy with it. It felt... right.
Man, we were born to live, not to run the risk of getting shot everyday just because we are good at shooting. We can adapt to this new situation, we can adapt to anything. We just need to want it.
Ok, so all we need to do is to want to be in this situation, and it will feel just like the good old times?
It's simple to say. Try doing it.
Well, and how exactly do I do it?
That's the point. Try to get the elements that you like, appreciate them. Try to imagine how to make things better... WITHOUT reversing to the past. Think about the bad things, this sort of stuff.
Looks boring just to hear you say it...
We can adapt, we just need to start adapting.
What if it turns out this is really shitty and the past was indeed the best?
Then we'll go back there, but while we don't have the proof, give these days the benefit of the doubt.


I hate being here. I hate... too many things, it is irrelevant. What's the point of being human if you can't act like one? I don't know if I start to apologize now. Maybe it's better to wait, we don;t know how will it turn out. Always prepared for the worst, even if this intense preparation ends by really bringing the worst to reality.
I don't know when is the right time, I don't know. My defects by design don't allow me. That's a bad thing, to lose touch with these important timings. Not feeling from others. But maybe there really was nothing to feel since the beginning. But, we started it, we made the beginning.... aren't we guilty?
This is also irrelevant. I wanted to sleep and for these few hours pretend things are okay. Or at least warped. If there's some kind of demonic psycho alien zombie genocidal life form chasing me, I'll feel better. In the end we are all wimpy kids right?
Right...
Nobody can give me the answer, nobody can tell me what to do. That's alright, it's not their fault. It's not anyone's fault. We are just, defective, that's all. Perhaps traumatized, but how to fight a trauma that we can't fully identify?
I want to just be a wimpy kid at my own place, the place where only I can go and no one else will disturb me. Ever.
Or to find the answer. Whatever comes first.
Thanks. Let's prepare for the show now. Gotta fill these containers in case we decide it all has to go down...

Conclusion of a failure...?

So, here we are again, at the same place that warps us to other places in hours that we should be at even another place. Listening to... the song that reminds us of the fourth place. Well, it's more like a situation but using some tolerance to poetic license to see it as a place.
I live in many places at once and no place at all. I like to see my behaviour as a paradox. That must be quite clear, anyway. But it is good to use some redundancy, just to make sure people understand my way of talking about things not talking about them. Okay, enough.
What should we be talking about here? I don't remember exactly. Been a bit distant lately, not glacial mode though. But quite close to activating it. I guess the research on The Human Centipede helped it a bit, no, I haven't seen it yet and probably won't, I'm quite sure it will be a big let down even though I really appreciate the idea. Let's just hope for the sequence, shall we? Maybe the evil clown toy helped also. Well, that's a good guess. Good to feel fear with that intensity, sometimes.
Have you ever felt like there was just so much activity within the people around you and at the same time, nothing was going on? I guess the answer would mostly be ''yes''. As long as you answered it honestly, that is. Because, we are pretty much alike. We just, are too quiet to know it.
I guess the primary topic is the doubt. The big ugly shadowy being that keeps on scratching relationships until they are dry, totally out of blood. Once communication fails and the doubt starts it's reign, pretty much everything is set to explode. Or crumble slowly in agony. You can never trust the person again like you did before. Because you simply don't know, and by not knowing something you classified as important, you start to wonder whether you can trust that person in... pretty much anything else. It's a dramatic and exaggerated way of putting things but it has some resemblance with reality. Slowly you get away because cold wars require you to proceed this way. These little patterns and last resorts of logic that live into our chaotic way of living.
I'm still not very comfortable with my new eyes. Even though I can see the beauty in skies and walls and... I don't know, pretty much anything that randomly I think that's pretty and videogame-like, since reality is ugly and the pretty scenery was into games, to start with. Do not discuss this, I'm a lost case in these topics and I'll insist in the loss.
I don't really know what my new eyes mean. I hope I can get a satisfying answer soon.
I also don't like this weird loneliness that made itself at home. It's a different kind of ''being alone'', well, it's not new anyway. But I like these cold days. Remind me of snow, and hot chocolate, and... christmas. Oh, now the song with december on it's name. Good.
I'm a little bit lost nowadays, you know, sort of like how you are when you need people to cheer you up. But not like that since I'm not very receptive to people doing these things. Gotta be more specific than random people coming and saying ''Well done!''. Creating this need for things to be specific is quite stupid.
But I've had these talks with some people in recent days, was quite entertaining I can tell. It's strange to deal with the images we make of people, and it's also impossible not to create some kind of image of someone. I like to talk to people. It's fun.
I still haven't found the fourth way of dealing with things, but hey, we are just starting.
Now into the second, or... tenth, topic... it's stupid how we put so much hopes into a girl isn't it?
Okay, next topic. Not that I'm trying to derail it, we just have to focus on this one next topic because it is very important.
I'm a bit bored. They didn't teach me how to sleep like them, fuckers.
I like the night. Damn, we need more people to go through the nights with us. Well, we had better stop while we are not that bad.