I guess it's common to feel uneasy at this time of the year. Many have felt strange about Christmas in the past, and many will fell like that in the future. I'm having a hard time trying to understand what feels so strange this time around. It is almost like, there isn't Christmas...
It's funny because it is a man-made thing. But it is a man-made thing that becomes slowly part of us who take part in it. Funny to think that there are people that do not celebrate it. You get to question yourself, is it really importante to celebrate it? Probably not from the logical point of view. Who knows...
Perhaps it feels good to participate because deep down we just want to believe that during these days things are really going to get better and calm, and that somehow people love each other, or least tolerate themselves (which they should do during their entire lives, but...). Perhaps it is all about believing. Well, not just believing, since you have to take part. You have to act. There is no Christmas if there is no one there to say "Merry Christmas!", however they get to say it. Generally, if they are saying it with a belief that there is indeed something merry, it works. Unless you are truly closed.
I don't understand. What is wrong? What is lacking? The tree is there. All the decoration is present. The malls are decorated, there are houses with decorations. Yet everything feels rushed and ''Un-Christmas". I get to think about the cliché points that brought up in these times. Is it because people are just running around buying whatever gifts they can? And everything is so damn over-priced that they can't buy what they really wanted? Is it because they are just running like fools after money? Are they forgetting that it's not about the gifts alone, you have to also take part in it? Or am I the problem?
Maybe.
The problem is that there is no exact answer, and that is... unnerving. Really unsettling. Was my money craze strong enough to make me this adrift? Have I really worked beyond what I should (and yet I'm running out of money soon...)? But I still like there were good things in this year. I don't understand. I don't feel like I destroyed things like that. Indeed I got worried about money much more than anytime before, but... there were good moments!
There was the whole trip to Japan, you can't take dreams away like that. There was the game trophy. There was the beginning of the relationship on January. There was the graduation.
It didn't pass as a blank year. Yet it feels weird. Because I'm not very happy with my actual job (which is coming to na end so it's okay). But...
I got real tired this year. It was a battle in the dark against... against what? I wanted money to be able to travel with my girlfriend. I really wanted to take her abroad and have a nice time. I wanted money to be able not to worry that much about money in the future. I wanted to be productive so I would feel better. Yet I got a shitload of work to do that did not succeed on reaching the finish line. I failed people.
Have I failed myself?
I don't know. I'm still trying, that's the new game this new year right? Focus on our projects, and then even if I fail, I can go to the backup plans. And it's never over, we can still slowly work through the free hours we get.
I still feel this dreaded cold.
Maybe I can't be the success I want to be, and also the man I wanted to be for her, and also the friend I wanted them to have... but what comes after I decide to admit that? Do I lose?
Maybe I just need some time to relax.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking for a while before the New Game + starts.
I hate maybe's.
Yet I loved the first time I heard she saying "tanjoubi" for the first time. She will probably never understand what was the magic of it. And I probably will never be able to explain the absolutely cute moment it became, her face, her voice, her pose.
I loved winning that trophy. For it was the first victory of the chain of dreams. And maybe someday, it grows as strong as the dreaded chain.
I loved the moments she showed up without further notice. Even if it didn't turn out well because I couldn't see her.
I loved Japan. It was the most insanely cool travel I've done. Someday I'll get back there.
I am lost.
And I am afraid Christmas might not come for me this year.
When I should actually be afraid I did not come for Christmas this year.
And I'm almost sure now the answer lies within them. Perhaps I need these people around.
Perhaps I need a hug and a bit of silence, the one that makes us rest our heads somewhere and stop trying to prepare for whatever hells that might come.
Perhaps stopping is Christmas.
And if you've come thus far, I wish you a merry one. Even if I ain't not even close on the road for it. But you might be.
After all, all it takes is one who believes.
