For them

If you can't stand on your feet to fight for yourself, do it old school.
Get the fuck up to fight for them.

That is. THE LEAST. You should do.

Let's show these bitches what the greatest guardian of hell is made of.

Hazardous times

Feeling tired, I don't like it here because it feels so...  constrictive?
I know I have a load of things to do and I feel like doing sometimes but it just... I don't know. I don't like this place. I don't care if you're going to judge me as a monster for not putting my family in such a higher ground. I never quite understood that thing people have with the concept of family, they are nice, that's cool, ok. And I wanted to be a monster, almost could see myself as one due to some objectives not being accomplished, such as being like the people of my family. Hah.
Damn, I don't have any idea regarding what should I write about. I thought a ton of things today while trying to keep control and not speaking anything about what I thought. I do a good job at that, although in the past I was much, much better. I thought about the things I repent doing, whether could I forgive myself from mistaking with the girl I like, the girls I liked in the past, my friends... but I guess I can. I feel better regarding the 7 years situation, then I guess I can forgive anything else. We just need... calmness. I even had an idea for a game while thinking what should I write now. Well, I don't really know.
Really wish I had my baseball bat now. Even though it bruises my hand, guess that's the price.
And all the demons are dead, maybe that's part of the change. Or maybe, anything.
I guess saying the lack of sex, or affection, or anything like that, is the cause of this drifting, is just an excuse. Gotta keep the facts straight.

There should be more stars in the sky.

Even when I close my eyes

It's been seven years.
And I have no idea how to start this, no matter what I write, it won't look fitting. Let's first start with two dreams...


Or parts of dreams, but these were the most important parts of those dreams.
I remember the skies were kinda gray, I don't know if rainy gray or simply super dark gray. But consider it simply gray, we had a few destroyed buildings around, not big buildings, just parts of what once could have been a house, some white walls and things like that. Perhaps it had some resemblance to my old house.
I don't remember many of the details, I know I wasn't much happy. But, he was there. I'm going to say "he", because I feel a bit strange simply calling him a "it". I don't remember whether he appeared out of nowhere or whether he had been there ever since the beginning. But I felt happy that he was there. Let's put this straight, he was my mongrel dog, and his name was Bob.
I remember hugging him, it's been so freaking long since I've last seen him. Seven years, actually. And he said (bear in mind, I said dream):
—Happy birthday!
And then I said:
—Y-you still remember!
And on the inside I died a little. Because he still remembered that was my birthday (indeed I had this dream around that time of the year) despite of what happened seven years ago. We'll talk about it later, but putting it simply, I abandoned my dogs.
It didn't go much longer than that, I just stood there holding and looking at him. It felt so, overwhelming. It was, and is, a strange mixture of happiness, sadness and guilt. I don't deal that well with emotions I suppose.
And I remember I really wanted to say that I loved him, something I didn't say or show in the many years he was at our house. I really wanted. But the words wouldn't come out. And that was, well, devastating. Even after losing things it seemed I still couldn't value them.
Wonder why saying "I love you'' is such a hard task.
And that's how it ended, with these three words stuck somewhere. And a feeling of guilt that roared through the years, perhaps disguised as other things.

The next part.
This next dream was now indeed placed at my old house. It was a bit dark but not as dark as full night, as many of my dreams. I don't remember the chain of events that were presented earlier, I just remember I was looking at the grass of the backyard. I don't know where did I stay, inside my bedroom or at the living room, but it was most probably the living room.
Now, out of the blue, I had my two dogs out there in the backyard. It came as a surprise. And I just ran as fast as I could. I guess I simply destroyed the fence that we had separating the pool from the backyard.
But, as I got closer and closer, and that actually lasted for perhaps less than a second, they simply disappeared. As in, shining and fading out. And I held the air that now stood in their place. I don't remember what I said, if I said anything. But in my mind now it lies that I said I was sorry.
I really don't remember.
Perhaps because whatever I said it really doesn't matter. It doesn't change the past. But that's too much drama, let's move on.


As it turns out, I still feel bad for that.
Now, what happened was simple. We were moving out of the house, to an apartment. So my parents said we couldn't have the dogs anymore. We would give them to someone we knew, who had a big house with lots of space.
We agreed on it. Couldn't bring 'em to the apartment anyway.
One of these last days in our old house, was the day of farewell. They were taking the dogs away. I decided not to say goodbye, I just, stood inside the house where I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me. Because that way they wouldn't get sad. But on the reality, I wouldn't get sad. It was all just me.
I didn't have the guts to say goodbye.
Or in my words, I abandoned them.
Or in a way my mind decided to put it, I abandoned the few beings in this world that would keep me company no matter what I was.

And that was seven years ago.

On an unrelated note, we had two dogs, but one was my favorite. I feel kinda bad for this since both were pretty awesome dogs but you simply gotta admit these things sooner or later.

Now.
I've been talking to some people, they say I should let this go. And I can understand the logic in their words, but it seems too far-fetched for me to simply let go. Just saying "I'm sorry'' doesn't change anything, right?
I'm not a person who forgives. I never really developed this ability, nor have I ever quite understood. Earlier this year, we've faced a few events which involved forgiving someone else. I couldn't say, "I forgive you", it sounded ridiculous and false. All I said was "if you consider the fact that I do not think about you with so much anger, as forgiving, then you are forgiven". As much as that was honest, and I really meant it, I'm not sure whether it counts as forgiving. But the mere fact that I don't hold grudges against her anymore is something to be noted.
But looking further into this aspect, I see that I can't really forgive myself. For many things, after all, in our human state we pretty much have to do stupid stuff sometimes. As sad as it may be. And even though I am completely conscious of the fact that we make mistakes, I can't let mine pass.
When I was a child, well, ever since I was a child, I believed you had to pay for your mistakes. In the childhood, payment meant pain. I was quite a violent child, you could say. I don't really know. But when I hurt people, I knew they had finally paid for what they done and we could forget what had happened.
For obvious reasons, this behaviour didn't make through the years. BUT, that came with a price. Since there isn't punishment anymore, I don't feel like people have paid. And thus, it gets harder to let things go by.
Now that may sound pretty insane to many people, and I'm aware of that. But that's the way I grew up, and if there's one to blame, that's me.

You know what? I guess that doesn't matter. To keep on playing this same tune of how much of a vengeful creature I am since who knows when, is just the same as using an old excuse to justify my acts.
It doesn't fucking matter.
A definition Sara gave me for forgiving oneself was feeling was to feeling sad for it and being certain that, were you facing, now, that situation, you would act differently. Not as in ''oh, I wish I had made it another way". But as in simply knowing that you can't do that way again. You don't suffer for wishing, you suffer for not being once, what you are now. Anyway I'm starting to de-rail myself.
It gets complicated when you gotta decide whether it's time to move on or not. I have no idea if I have already suffered enough, and I find it is not fair for one to decide about its own suffering. I don't know how sad I made those dogs, but I also don't know if dogs hold grudges like this. My guess is they don't. They are not as horrid as we are. But thinking they aren't makes me sad because they should have been treated better.
I don't really know.
All I'm sure is that they gotta be in heaven now. Even though I don't really believe in heaven or hell. But my automatic guess is that that's where they should be.
I don't know, I can't say that I really liked them or that I'm sorry. Saying this now has the same effect as saying what is my favorite dish. It won't change anything.
But maybe. If I learn something with this. Then it can be left alone and we can move on. At least it shows that you should value things before they go, right? That's a lesson better said than learnt. Maybe then I can learn to show things, and I won't feel ridiculous for it.
I expected to write something more, worthy of being the farewell text for the best dog that has ever walked this stupid planet. But I guess, that's it.
I guess I can only say thanks.
To anywhere, wherever you may be. From the boy who never managed to grow much from those old days.

Incoming

Perhaps the forces of magic are at work?
I don't know. Magic was long ago banned from this world. The mere relation to it already justifies muder, it not worse. Who knows how it works nowadays...
As much as I understand his reasons to ban it, as much as I understand how the belief of magic hurt him, you've gotta agree on me that it was a weak move.
It was a move out of despair.
Yes, but now we have the power to fight back, there's no more room for despair.
And your point is?
We must bring magic back.
You do know, however, that the fact that he banished magic, doesn't mean magic simply stopped to exist?
Of course!
Then, what exactly is it that we must do?
We must make him believe again.
Oh...
Then he'll see that this time around, he can achieve something bigger.
...I'm out.
WHAT?!
That's stupid. You're going to get us killed. You know he hates magic nowadays.
But he's not the same person he was when he faced those girls.
Are you sure?
Hm...?
How can you make such an affirmation?
He learned to fight back, he's even learning to insist after a frustrating loss!
He IS, and will always BE a child.
Just because you want to.
It's not what I want!
Then help him.
Help?
Well, facing disaster only makes us grow stronger.
Nonsense.
He's our goddamn leader. He can handle it. The problem is that, you, and pretty much everyone, always accepted things as they were, and never acted as if he was wrong!
He won't change.
YOU WON'T CHANGE!
I WON'T CHANGE?!
No, because you seem to accept the fact that he will always be running from what he fears. And killing innocent people out of fear. And smashing dreams and feelings, hunting those who aren't afraid. Just because he doesn't feel like he can handle the damage.
...
Even though you and I know, heck, even he knows, he can handle as much damage as there can be in this world.
You think you know pain, don't you?
I don't?
Do you know how does it feel to get hurt and you don't even know where did it come from? To be completely lost?
Of course I do. That's the situation we are at the moment. And actually, you do know where "it's coming from". But you pretend you don't. It's easier to be in misery, right?
...
I'm out. I'll go find a way to save you all from this stupid disaster.


Can I sleep now?

A strange grace

It's kinda funny. Some days I feel so good when I walk around the city, well, more like wandering. There's no real place to go, you just go to the next place that looks pretty.
These times my head goes boom, characters fighting and screaming and playing poker and loud music... that's normal, right? Well if it ain't, then that's a good insanity I guess.
Feels good. Gotta enjoy those warm moments because when the night comes, the thoughts come. At least this time it's really over. Let's just focus on what's ahead. Sooner or later another she will show up. Wish I could ask people to wander around with me, it would be nice.

A change of heart

Heh, que sensação ridícula.
A gente vai passando de trator em cima de tudo, sem se importar se realmente estamos fazendo o que devíamos ou só machucando a nós mesmos no processo. Porque foi assim que nos ensinaram que tinha de ser. Na verdade eu não sei quem ensinou, não sei se foi ensinado ou se foi só algo que eu puxei de algum desenho ou filme que vi, no longo processo de formação de alguma coisa. Isso valeria como ensinamento? Quer dizer, algo que passamos a nós mesmos é algo ensinado?
No fim das contas deu pra fazer quase tudo nesse final de semestre maluco, falta só um pedaço mas dá tanto medo. Não saber é assustador. Talvez porque eu dê importância demais a coisas que eu não devia dar importância, mas... mas é importante. Era um dos objetivos, então deveria ser tratado como importante. Não sei o que realmente deveria ter importância, pra falar a verdade, se você analisar friamente, nada na vida tem muita importância. Quer dizer, não é algo intrínseco das coisas. É um valor atríbuido por nossa mente.
O que não quer dizer que as coisas não sejam importantes, mas a importância varia para cada pessoa. Eu tinha decidido que a prioridade seria me formar, então posso considerar que esse último pedaço complexo seja importante. Talvez essa lógica não seja tão falha.
Só queria não sentir tanto medo. Medo de errar é foda. É um dos medos mais sem lógica já criados por nossas mentes, não é algo cabível, pois a falha possui muitas formas e não temos como processar todas elas, logo não fazemos nada pois ainda (e sempre) estaremos processando todas as formas de errar. É como um medo de tudo.
Mas não, eu não vou parar por isso, uma das últimas leis criadas é "se você tem medo de algo, é esse algo que você deveria enfrentar". Então eu sigo em frente. Devo estar errando horrores mas vamos passando, só não pode parar. É como... estar perdido no escuro. Você não sabe onde, nem com quem ou o que você está. Então saia batendo, alguma hora você descobre onde está, e ao mesmo tempo tem a chance de derrubar aqueles que estão na escuridão para te parar.
Sei lá, é tudo meio besta mas é o que tem servido atualmente. Quando esse semestre acabar a gente continua, certo?
Por pior que sejam os resultados, a mudança é positiva.
Quando acabar, eu vou ter muito medo de tentar me relacionar com outras pessoas, mas é o preço. Vai ser um desastre, vai doer como o inferno, mas alguma hora vai acontecer algo que vai fazer tudo valer a pena. Não faz muito sentido mas é nisso que vou me forçar a acreditar. Em algum lugar por ae vai ter uma garota que faça valer a pena, e eu vou fazer a minha parte.
Obviamente, ela vai ter que ter paciência, não posso dizer que "sofri demais e por isso não confio mais em ninguém", isso é desculpa para os chorões, o que posso dizer é que sempre tive problemas em confiar nas pessoas e isso inclui a mim também. Portanto é um processo complicado e que pra muita gente não vale a pena o esforço. Mas pra ela vai valer, só preciso de uma não é?
A primeira etapa é pensar que relacionamentos podem dar certo.
A segunda é acreditar que a primeira também vale pra mim.
Ao mesmo tempo tenho que aprender a perdoar e arranjar uma forma parar de amplificar essa raiva que eu sinto de tanta coisa. O ideal seria diminuir, mas parar de amplificar já é um ótimo passo.
Vamos ver se dá pra terminar esse ano com pelo menos metade dos pontos previstos.


Pensar nisso te deixa tonto, é quase como se fosse a coisa mais exaustiva do mundo compartilhar esse tipo de pensamento.
Deve ser porque você ainda se importa demais com o que os outros vão achar de você.