Defying

How to start? I remember they said the hardest part is the beginning... I guess it applies here.
So, let me tell a story, I like to come up with stories and stuff like that, my mind works on these things day and night after all...
Once upon a time, there was a boy. He lived in a very big castle, which had pretty much everything he wanted, anytime, as long as he wished for it in the dark throne room. He lived alone in there, and most of the time, it felt like the best thing to do. But, time had to pass by, and it always passes, and so the boy started to wish to be more in touch with other people. The few people he had already seen the times he left his home fortress were already quite hard to reach. After a while, he gave up on reaching them, so he would just live alone in his castle. But, the forces that supplied the castle with everything he wanted decided to fulfill his wish, but with one condition this time, since it would be very consuming, as it is hard to create life out of thin air, he would have to give them something. The boy mindlessly agreed, and the next day, he had dozens of people walking around the castle, working, talking, living just as if they had lived there for all their lives. For a great part of that day, the boy was happy. As happy as he could be. But it didn't took very long to see what had he given in exchange for these people. As soon as the first conflict happened between him and one of his new friends, he discovered a brutal desire for revenge, which he could not get out of his head. Even though it was just a small mistake that happens normally. He decided to hold it and live peacefully with everybody, but as the days advanced he couldn't hide his disgruntled face anymore, he was now holding a grudge against pretty much everyone in the castle. When it seemed like things were totally out of control, he decided to go to the throne room and release his rage against those who made him that way. There was no response as the furniture got into pieces. That made him calm, and the day after the throne room was just as if nothing happened. All in all, he had found a way of living peacefully with the people, he just had to go to the throne room and vent his anger in there. Things seemed to be turning good after all, but since his mind wasn't now so concentrated in his new behaviour, he started to notice something in all those people. They weren't very different from him, that's why they agreed with mostly anything he said, did the same things he did, pretty much were the way he was. A few minor differences here and there but it was just too equal. He decided to ask the forces for a different behavior for those people, since that's how it was with the people he had met outside the castle in the past. This time, there was an answer, the forces told him that it was impossible for them to create people like that, all they could do was take some parts of his personality and come up with people with that personality. The boy couldn't believe that, he didn't want to feel like thinking with himself everytime he chatted with someone. This time the voices weren't so calm, it sounded like agonizing screams cursing him and his greed. They got away with the sound of a crack, the boy, astonished, realized the castle was crumbling down, he ran away of the room, screaming for everyone to get out of the castle as fast as possible, just as if he had forgotten what they were. But there was no one in there, he ran alone to the main gate, as his home tried to smash him down. When he got out, tired of all the running, he looked back to see what was left of his fortress. He couldn't come back and have anything he wanted, but he could go ahead and look for real people. At first, he thought it wasn't that bad, but within time he was remembered of what had he given in trade for the fake people he had received, and now there was no throne room...
Weird story.
In the end I walked away from the topic I first had in mind. I'm always straying, it feels better this way. Well, not quite.
It's easier to get away from what we want, pretend we're deaf to our wishes. It's easier to deal with people when we're almost robots. It's somewhat sad, to tell the truth. But what if it's worse to hear ourselves?
Have you ever desired to do something you thought could be harmful to those around you? Feels this way. Perhaps I've been neglecting my requests so much that I'm afraid of answering any of them now, perhaps it all looks harmful because I've been always afraid of them. In the recent past I had decided to do whatever appeared in my mind, sure, I haven't done all that, for reasonable purposes, but at least I've done quite a nice ammount of things I wouldn't because of... well, many ''reasons'', like fear of what would people think, or because it felt ridiculous, things like that. But, it so happens that the things I didn't do included things that were actually reasonable, perhaps, normal.
Even now, I still feel like I can't do those. Even though friends say that I should do, I feel like I can't do it the right way. And they can't seem to know what is exactly ''the right way''. It's funny to be different from everyone else and yet be just as many others. Funny in a stupid way I guess.
It feels like regret, when I think of these simple things I treat as forbidden. Yet it feels right. What commands this dictator side is something confuse. It's a fear of instilling fear in people I don't want to. Fear of missing. Fear of not living up to expectatives. A monstrous creation made of fears I've long stopped fighting against.
Maybe it's better this way. Maybe. But knowing if it's better the other way may change things I didn't want to change, at least not this way...
It would be better not to think, after all. Thinking is almost like taking a loop that throws right back at start. And my friend, the start if the hardest part.