Let's get this straight

We're alive.
We're still alive.
Alive and not kicking much ass, though.
Well, we breath... that suffices. Better than not even being in the game.
We aren't in the game, man.
But we can come back.
...
Giving up on trying is the first step to failure.
I know, right?
How could any of us not know it?
Yeah...


Repeat until you believe it, this is not a drill.
This is for real.
And I am not scared.
Come what may.
Fall who stands.
I will be the fucking light.


Don't be afraid of the dark.
The darkness loves you.


And even though I walk guarded by a vast array of angels, I am still not up to the fight. And perhaps I'll never be.


The situation is: there is no motivation.
I still stand strong at the gym, I'm working out quite well I guess. That's pretty much the only thing I'm being able to hold.
I don't work very much.
I don't have much topics to talk many times.
I am having some huge surges of instability.
I still have a lot of taboos to face.
This is not going very well. The daily reports are going down the drain and I feel like I should sleep. I feel like I wanted or should sleep most of the time but I have so many things to do, and sometimes nightmares wake me up. My emotions are running in strange circles, and I am mostly feeling cheerful then angry then sad, rinse repeat. I feel a brutal lack of company in the sense of having some sort of partner that believes me. I am depositing some sort of affective dependancy on Rias, an anime character. I am aware of the ridiculousness of it, but I am not being able to look anywhere else. Still conscious. Having some troubles related to social issues, mostly shyness-related. A bizarre craving for a hug has shown up a few weeks ago and hasn't left yet.
Everything is fine, the problem is just inside my head.
I can manage that.
I am the closest to my weakest, so it's only natural that I feel like having a companion to cross this dark alley would be much better, but I'm quite sure that's not an option.
There are no options.

Either you fucking cross, or you fucking explode.