Facing

It's raining like there's no tomorrow out there...
I lay in my bed looking at the lightnings crossing the sky. The curtains in the window are totally opened so that I can see it all. The flashes never stop.
I keep on thinking about... thinking. As strange as it may sound, it's pretty simple. I'm the kind of person that doesn't think twice before acting, it's more like I think a few dozen times. This behavior has already gave me it's fair share of troubles.
Although, as mostly anything, it has it's good moments, it's very useful to think a lot before talking when you are angry. I can not say it has only made things go worse.
Recently (recently is kinda relative, it will probably depend on your own idea of time), I had made a goal of thinking less before acting, and I gotta say, to many things, it worked wonderfully. And to some, things turned out disastrous, but, as mostly anything have a good side, they must have a bad side, so this is something to be forgiven.
After all, it ends on the same subject, balance. By taking things to extreme conditions, you've gotta expect to face serious consequences. Well, I dislike balance mostly because it's so grotesquely hard to achieve, but that's ok. Let's just not stick to this subject.
The thing is, I still haven't totally defeated the exaggerated thinking behavior. At first I wasn't willing to finish my goal, since it seemed like a hopeless fight. But this very day my mother told me something that got me thinking (not the bad thinking, as sometimes, you gotta think a little). She said I took a little longer than normal to start walking when I was a baby (or a child, I don't know at which time babies get promoted to the rank of children), because I didn't try much. I was afraid of failing and falling.
Well, that's the whole thing, if you were expecting some good story with an enthusiastic moral, time to lament. I don't know if this makes sense to most people, or any people, but, hearing that made me get up and finish what I had began.
At some topics, I'm a pool of fear. When I face the few things that actually fright me, I get really owned. That's what it was all about anyway, fear.
There are fears and fears. And some actually feel pretty good. I plan on writing about fear someday.
I can defeat the fear I have. Because I fueled it all this time. I created it from the beginning. It depends on me to survive, fear is like a pet. Once you stop giving a damn to it, almost impossible that you will come back to give it real attention.
And then, it dies.

D632009, part 1

Pretty dark... as ever.
This seems to be my grandmother's house. It is, at least it is just the same way it has ever been in this world. Perhaps a bit darker, but no problem in that.
The house seems somewhat inhabited, I can't understand why it is clean, yet abandoned. My relatives should be here, at least one of them. I go into the room where we used to gather and talk, there's this big bed in there. The window is opened... the wind is blowing so weakly, so... dead.
I feel like there's someone else in the house, or something else. My head is somewhat confused, I feel like I was being watched outside the house, but my memory is so gray. I can't understand why I see it in such a gray tone, so blurred, because I was there just a few minutes ago.
What the hell is going on here...?
All of a sudden, my vision dims...


I'm now with some friends in their car. We're having a tour through the city.
There's a boy, C., and a girl, A., with me in the car, we're at my hometown, though this is a place I've never came before. It's getting dark, it might be late afternoon now.
We stop by the sidewalk, where many other cars are parked in a line. My friends say that in this street we can find one of the best pubs in town. We go by foot then. The buildings around us look pretty untidy, old. There are people walking too, they are pretty strange if you ask me. So... quiet. When they speak, it's normally small phrashes. Perhaps they just aren't much of the talkative kind of people...
As we advance through the street, we go into more crowded areas, now it's actually looking like a normal place. It seems more... lively. I don't if all these people are just talking small random phrases and it seems like normal talk because of the crowds, this whole place looks suspicious now...
We reach the end of the street. C looks a bit stunned, there's no cool pub here. Did he misunderstood the information? Or... was he given the wrong directions? We stand by the side of a phone booth, there's indeed a pub here, but it looks too old and... crappy. There are some men playing cards in a wooden table at the extreme left of the pub, close to another building. We stand there looking for some moments, I can't really tell how much time, though I can guarantee it wasn't long.
Then it appears.
The wall bursts and it passes through the hole, the men playing cards get scared to death. They are lucky to be unharmed by the parts of the wall that flew when it appeared. But it then proceeds to attack them, squeezing the head of one of them. With just one hand. There were three other men at that table, two of them get up to run away, but the thing punches one with such a brute force that he's sent flying to the other corner of the place. It then grabs a big glass on the table and pierces it through the head of the man that stood sit in his chair, paralyzed by fear. The glass goes into his head like there was actually no bone in there, it seems so easy. He falls back shortly after, lifeless.
We stood there, astonished. The thing then turns to us and start walking. It's some fast walk, but not like it was running, doesn't look like it could run anyway. I now have a clearer vision of it, at least it appears to be humanoid. It's torso and arms are massive, by looking at his muscles it's not impressive how it sent a man flying with a punch. The legs look smaller and weaker. The face can not be seen, as it wears some kind of mask. But there doesn't seem to be any hole in this mask, I wonder how it breath, if it actually breathes... it's a big, gray mask, with big empty eye sockets, no mouth. The head is just a few inches bigger than a human's head, but the thing has double the height of a normal man.
We turn back to start running. But then we discover that no one else is running. They are mostly... stopped. And when come close to some of them, they actually get on our way. It seems they don't want us to pass. We ask what are they doing, but it falls on deaf ears. It appears they want the thing to kill us, but they can't seem to understand it will probably kill them too. Or perhaps... they know they'll die, they just want us to die...

Hunting Innocence

You believe there's still innocence left in this world?
Sure, why not? After all there are so many things hidden, untouched by human's poison.
Poison?
Yeah, the greed, the hatred... humanity destroys everything that's nearby.
But... there's a flaw here.
What?
You said, that we were hunting people that could serve as proof that innocence exists. But then, you say that humans are the destroyers of innocence. How can you explain that? And the idea of hunting, it feels more like you're willing to corrupt innocent... or kill 'em.
Why would I want to corrupt them?
Well, believe it or not, but you're human as well. I've been fighting by your side without any question all this time, but now I begin to question myself about your own motives.
I have no interest in raising the number of corrupted ones. And I guess I've been exaggerating about the whole corruption thing. It's not true that every single person will be corrupted when in touch with society. Some people can stand to that situation, these are the ones we look for. Why I use the term "hunting"? Well, let's just say that I like it, and we are in a hurry.
So... we're in a hurry?
Yes.
So... we hunt innocence so that you can have a reverse corruption?
What??
These people that can stand to corruption. You want to find them so that you can cleanse yourself, because you believe they perhaps have this power. And you feel guilty for some things you done in your past, so you made this hunt your priority.
...
C'mon, let's find 'em.

At the docks

You look sad...
It's nothing.
You sure?
Well... I don't know... I could talk to you now or just let it sleep within time.
Up to you.
Either way goes to the same place I guess.
Hm... it's said that, sometimes what matters isn't the place you're going, but the way you use. Of course, you can just stay there lamenting, 'til you get tired and sleep and forget it all. Or until you find a bigger problem and give it more attention. Or you can just talk and relax.
Have you ever...
Have I ever killed? Positive.
No, don't play the funny one. Have you ever felt sad for no reason?
No reason?
Yeah.
Are you sure? No reason at all? Perhaps you are forgetting something.
I don't think so. It's like... you're living a different world. Like, you have your own reality and when you have to come back the "real" reality you can't make it. You can't stand living outside of your own reality because it just seems so much... better.
I thought you were doing well in the real world this time. At least you seemed to be getting through the hardships.
I found some ways to achieve happiness in this world, but they are too short-lasting...
Well, if you look through another point of view, that's good, because by not having them too much, you learn to value 'em more.
I know, it's just that... I'm being greedy, or childish, I don't know... there's no problem after all...
Hey, calm down, there is a problem. If this bothers you, then it is a problem, what you have to do is find a way to fix it.
Do you think that deep down every single human is an obssessive killer?
Ah... that's a tough one. I don't really know what to answer. Why this question all of a sudden?
Nothing... you know what? Let's go do something.
As you wish.

Problems

I'm here again.
This time just thinking about these strange parts of being yourself. The ones in which you get stuck between two realities.
It's not that I'm sad, I understand that it seems like I simply force myself to stay on a permanent misery state. I just, stay this way sometimes, but it will be over soon. It's just, a side effect for thinking too much about things.
I always liked to hear people's troubles. I don't know why exactly, but I like to help. I know in most cases there's not much I can do but, perhaps just having someone to hear you can make a difference. Makes me feel useful...
Sometimes I feel like I hunt sadness in those around me, like... waiting for something bad happens so I can be useful. I know this isn't true, just a harmless thought.
It's pretty good when people thank you, and you actually feel you deserve it, there are no words to describe it at the moment. But there's the other situation, the one in which you can't help at all. You can just sit there and listen to their troubles, you can't even talk a thing because... you simply don't know. Even though you might have past through a similar situation, even though you previously found the answer for that particular question, there isn't something you can do. You can ressurrect the past situation, you can feel all the pain again, but it's just helpless.
What hurts most is that, I can't help them.


You can't save them. For they must save themselves, just as you're the only one who can save yourself. You already do much by hearing them. Wanting to take all the suffering in their place is just not right, no matter if you could really take it or not. People have to take on the suffering, it makes them grow up, it's, perhaps, the best teacher life can give you. You can decide to take more classes or simply learn the lesson, it's up to you. It's important to have friends to help you when the real troubles happen, but it's also important to keep in mind that they are after all, humans like you and they have problems also. They will do what they can do in order to help you, but the problems are only really over when you face them. Also, I would seriously advise you not to run away and pretend it's over. Life has prepared several mechanisms to keep the action going. They can track your mind, no matter where you go, they will be there with you.


Fuckin' words...

The dark stairs

I stay here, looking at these stairs.
It's way into the night, and many have already turned off their lights.
So here we stand, in the middle of a stairway, in the darkness. The weak lighting of this place comes only from a small glass window that's half opened. Feels like a nice place anyway. I could even sleep here. Perhaps sleeping in odd places makes me feel better than sleeping where I should...
I see a lot of stupid things when I close my eyes. Well, not stupid. Let's stop saying stupid to all related to us. I see distorted things, colorful and wicked. Mostly having some relation to violence. It's no big new anyway, it has always happened, all I need to do is to not concentrate on anything specifically.
These are perhaps sad days. That's just it. But it will be over within time, just as always. Stupid things come to mind, this time they are indeed stupid. But I guess, who never had stupid things passing through their minds?
In these times it's dangerous to talk to yourself. Or at least, think. It's just the bizarre feeling of loneliness. I guess you can't fight your human side forever. Or you can, if you sleep well.
Perhaps I need to sleep at the stairway...

Sunny day

Sunny day...
It's strange how some days like this look so sad. But don't get me wrong, it's actually good. These last days were pretty odd but that's ok.
They say you should talk about what you have in mind at the moment, but I don't feel like I have anything in my mind right now... but somehow I want to write here. Well, perhaps some thought can show up while I do it. Who knows...
The problem of having just too many things going on in your head is that, when it's over and you can actually relax, the feeling of not having anything in mind bothers you. Which exemplifies our complaining behaviour, we complain about everything. But still, they say it's good to do that, otherwise we would just stay in the same place, the same way, forever.
That reminds of changes. I never really liked changes, because, I always liked the way things were, or at least I was used to it. People can get used to almost anything. But lately things have changed, and I wasn't completely against it, mostly because I was an agent in these changes. But even like this, a part of me still prefer the things the way they were. Well, you can't please everyone. The problem is that I can't tell if things are better now, or worse. Guess I'll have to wait some more 'til I can define it.
One of the changes is leading. I never liked it, or at least that's what I used to think. It's scary at first, but after you take control, it's pretty exciting. Teaches you to try things, kinda cool. And I'm talking this out of nowhere since I don't lead that much. Just foolin' around. And getting confused.
I'll perhaps need some people to remember me who I am... weird days.
Well, to each his own.