What is going on

I am feeling kinda tired.
You want me to read you a story?
No, I don't think I'd last to hear much of it.
So... you wanna sleep?
I kinda do, but I don't...
How...?
I feel like my body need it, and I know I should because I have to wake up early tomorrow, but I wanted to stay awake, not sure what for.
Sound complex...
Maybe it is...
So... would you like to...
Hm?
You know... just... sleep. We can lie down in bed and just... wait for the time to sleep...
...
...
I'd love to.

Battle of the many rounds, part 2

So, I see then that you're uneasy.
I know that you'd rather not talk to me ever again.
You feel guilty, but it is not your fault. I know it isn't. It's like it was something you chose from the start. 
But I need you to overcome this, please. I need you here, I need you back, as soon as possible.
Don't leave me hanging.

I won't.

The two lie in bed. Back to back, hands held.


It is a mad world indeed. And I need much more focus in order to keep these people minimally prepared to handle it. I don't know what else to do, it feels like a bomb much bigger than anything we were teached to disarm.
I feel angry, I feel strange, I feel afraid, I feel sorry for a lot of people.
And then I feel angry again.
But don't move. This night your mission won't be of revenge. I want all of you, prepared to protect these people, make them sleep, make them calm, or just watch over them. DO NOT SEEK FOR REVENGE. I command you. This night, we protect them. Make me proud.

And you, I am divided between all these feelings, I am thrown into turmoil and I am not sure how to get out. You said you would do anything, so I tell you. You protect that woman, with whatever you fucking got. I don't want to scream at you but I feel like doing it. PROTECT HER. I know this was your job and it is not your fault, but I am not handling it all very well.
Look at my eyes and promise me, you will take good care of her.


Two visits of the angel of death in less than two weeks, huh?
These buddies are hitting hard...
I feel strong and I hear others saying I am. I guess we are doing a pretty good job managing the damage.
I'll be better as soon as I sleep a little, tomorrow will be even harder, I can't be this tired.
But what I really wanted now was some company, I know I must never say these things because you don't know what you get, but I can't run away from it. Maybe after I get some sleep this gets better, but right now it wouldn't hurt to have a girl by my side.

Battle of the many rounds

As we go rolling through the infinite dungeons that reality has imposed against us, we wonder, is that all? They don't stop coming but there is a certain pattern going on.
There's a pattern, I know there is.

Today I had a little breakdown, I remembered him. The food fell on the floor and my automatic response was to pick it back up, but then I remembered, there's no one to eat it on the floor anymore, this is not necessary.
Then it hurt.
Many things hurt in fact, but I guess that is just part of how the game is going to play for a while. I don't like it but these are the rules.
Sometimes I think I can win this shit, I think I am handling the situation better than expected, but then, there are other times when I'm not very sure...

– I... I feel weak. I remember that day. I remember him lying there. He didn't make it...
– Calm down...
– I don't know what to do, I don't want to erase my memories but then it looks so much easier..
– Just calm d...
– What do I do?
– Hey! Stop! What you are going to remember is what made it all feasible. You told me that yourself, that this time it felt like it was easier to stand your ground, because you knew you showed him that you cared. Remember? You could say that you loved him, and you said that. You stood there for him. Don't let these waves take you away, they'll pass eventually, and what will be left is your treasure.
– ...
– I'll tell you what you are going to remember. If you have to remember that day, remember how incredible his fur still was. He had the best fur we've ever seen on a dog. And then, you are going to reclaim your treasure, and those are the memories. How much he was happy when we gave him his first toy, that blue plush dog. And how he jumped so much when we took him for a stroll or gave him a bone cookie. When he fought against the hairdryer. Remember how awesome it felt when he welcomed you home. Every single piece of these memories. THAT, is what you are going to remember.

She won't look me in the eyes.
I know that's just her job. And I know that at the beginning of all this, I was a bomb just waiting for that single little spark that would blow it all up. But it passed.
Still, she is quiet. It feels so strange to see her that way. I know she feels guilty, even though that is just her job. I wish it wasn't. I guess many times she wishes too.
I hope someday I get the words to tell her that it is okay, that is a part of life. It is not her fault. Of all the angels that make me company, she was the one that was mostly there. Even though her presence calls for shivers and bad mood, I enjoy it when she is there.
Sometime in the future this will all be the past. I can't deny it feels... gratifying that it has taken such an impact on her. I wonder if I held her hands, would she... start to cry? I don't believe more tears have to be given. But it has been hard to go through. She is still around, I know that. Always protecting.
But the angel of death will take some time to look me in the eyes again.

You might have won this fight.
I can't lie, I am obliterated. Depending on people to join the bits together.
But you have just assured the war is lost.
I'm coming back.
And now I have to be strong to honor yet another buddy.
I don't feel angry or full of hatred, I guess. It is a very... new situation for me.
I just know, I'll fucking destroy you now. It's decided.
Your clock starts to tick. My pieces are getting together.

Strong to the very end

Perhaps the theory of living until you learn to love is real.
I'm not a very religious person or anything like that. You know I never was. But sometimes it just makes sense. You knew how to love ever since the beginning.
I've never seen a dog learn how to behave inside the house so fast without proper training. You were truly one of a kind. But it was all too soon.
I don't know how to say, I feel devastated as I haven't felt in ages. Yet, I feel strong. Because I've met a dog who fought against all the odds. You made she love you. That was beyond miraculous, I wonder if you ever knew that. Maybe it just didn't matter, some creatures don't need that kind of thing, they just want to live.
And boy, you lived.
I'm happy that I have witnessed your happiness. You were the light that shone the brightest, even if it was for such a short span. But I guess that's how it works. Thank you.
Yes, it is still hurting a lot, and I still don't know how to describe what I feel. But at least this time I'm sure I tried my best. I hope you enjoyed these brief months we've had. You made me feel the truly best owner I could be. I'm sure Bob would like to see it.
Actually, I'm sure you've already met him. You two take care of each other, you were the best dogs this boy could have ever had as company.
It still hurts a lot to think that you won't be here anymore. Call me selfish but it felt so good coming home to see you, all jumpy and full of energy. It is absurd to see that, it is almost as if you were the nicest person on earth. I couldn't feel bad.
I know daddy wasn't the best company you could have asked for lately, daddy has been feeling pretty down, but I tried. Remember when it was just the two of us for many weeks? We made it buddy, we walked at least twice a day. I hope you enjoyed it, I surely did. Even when it was too cold or dark in the morning, the rewards were still far bigger than the duty.
I'll miss running with you. Like when we ran for our lives, boy you were so fast, I'm still impressed. How could such a small creature run so much? How could....
I don't know, how could you be so much?
I hope you didn't suffer so much these last moments. Daddy wanted to be there. Please be sure of that. I would do anything to be there before the surgery. Don't worry, the image that I'll keep with me will be the happiest dog I've ever seen. I hope you forgive daddy for anything bad he did.
As I said to you before, daddy loves you.
And if there was anything I could do for you, I would do it.
I'm still amazed at how you stood strong. They said you had lost so much blood it was barely impossible you could even stand still. Yet you didn't even flinch.
I promise.
I'll show you I have learnt something from all this. Daddy is coming back as strong as you were.


I will carry your smile. And the tears will carry away the pain. And in the end, we'll be even stronger.

A hand in my shoulder

This was a very weird week. I feel like I haven't done much, this fucking feeling never ends.
Still, I got to see that there are people around me who need more help than I do. I really wish I could make you guys go above the clouds. But I guess that's a fight that was made for you. All I can do is try to get back into the game. It is taking far too long for me to get back.
I'll make these two next weekends the last reckless weekends. I don't want to set out for a problem with drinking, though for a while it serves as some sort of anesthesia. Also, that's not my scenery.
I know where I have to be. I just... got afraid of going back there.
Have you ever heard of Promise, a song from Silent Hill? It is very pretty.
It is sad, but serves as a way to calm down. First you chill out then you try to think where do you have to go.
Does anyone still like to play Pump It Up? It became another sort of anesthesia. I've been basically drinking, playing Pump and working out. Serves as a way of finding some sort of strength in myself.
I can't ask for a hug for that would be a lie. Among all these ups and downs I feel like I really wanted a hug but I'm aware that wouldn't suffice.
What would be enough still stands as a chaotic transmutating desire. I am not sure if sex or hug or just company, perhaps the answer lies outside all of the options I have thought so far.
The game is rolling. The game needs me back.
Or else...


If I paid any of you three hundred bucks, would you walk with me and then wait 'til I slept?
I hate the fact that I'm always the last one to sleep.

Para Nanna

You know, we've been running for about 7 years.
It's funny because there are a lot of roads on the map, and some people travel faster. Some slower. Some roads end. Others get somewhere and new roads ensue.
We can see others passing close by, some roads get very narrow and sometimes it's almost as if there's a lot of people running together.
We never really know what happens in their ways, we barely know what lies ahead in ours. Sometimes there's people running for their lives for reasons we may never know. Sometimes they stop. But the road never wait for you to end it. It's like a one in a lifetime chance.
I can see a few runners around me. Can't really define if they are going faster or not, but as long as they are at least walking, it's feasible. Those who are close by. In one way or another, almost all of them make this race easier.
But my eyes now turn to a road that seems a bit rocky and not very consistent. I'm not sure if it is just my eyes that aren't getting the whole picture. You were always moving quite steady, at least the times our roads approached. I don't really know what lies around you, if there's something following you or if the ground became unbearable to step, I just hope you don't stop.
I've heard you say things that got me worried, because it did seem a bit too uncanny for what I've known of you.
Now, we're watching. Don't stop by the road, overcome it.
I won't start on saying what is my current status for this ain't about me, but rather about you, so keep moving. I'm sure it's going to be an awesome race.
It also gives me something to run for. I have to follow this path in order to keep an eye out for those I care.

I'm not making this any longer, I hope the message can be transmitted with these words.
I've seen amazing messages of support. I'm sure you will have some too, if you haven't already.
Here's for a few more years of running these roads.

The strange power of Valmorgen

– Como eu consigo super poder?
– Super poder?
– É, que nem esse seu, de acreditar...
– Acreditar?
– Preciso de forças, haha...
– ...
– ...
– Parece mais que você vai chorar quando fala coisas assim.
– Não é isso...
– Se você diz...
– ...
– Vou te contar uma coisa, minha criança. E é, eu sei que você não é criança. E que provavelmente você só me perguntou de super poder porque eu havia mencionado antes...
– Hm...
– Senta que lá vem história.


É engraçado pensar que um dia após o outro pode ser tão... um dia após o outro. Eu sou instável, e vejo todos os outros como mais fortes que eu. O elo mais fraco de todas as correntes, é como eu gosto de ver.
Dia desses, um garoto chegou em casa após uma bela saída com os amigos. Foram ao cinema, comeram boas comidas e conversaram. Mas em algum momento da noite, as sombras que permeiam nossos pensamentos conseguiram achar uma brecha em suas defesas. E ele não conversou mais tanto assim. Pode ser também que ele não tenha mais falado tanto porque já sente que fala demais e geralmente não tem tanto a dizer, ou seja, fala besteira. Mas acho que as sombras fazem mais sentido, pelo menos em sua maior parte. Bom, vamos ao ocorrido.
Um garoto abriu a porta, e um cachorro o recebeu. É sempre impressionanente como você pode ser bem recebido por um cachorro, mesmo que você seja medíocre. Mas esse garoto apenas fechou a porta, sorriu para o cachorro, desligou a luz do corredor que havia acendido e fez um carinho no cachorro.
Sabe quando você olha pra frente e não quer mais andar?
Às vezes, na verdade, raramente, é bom você não andar.
Pois o garoto olhou para a janela, com aquela grande noite lá fora, talvez mais clara que o interior de seu apartamento, e com certeza muito mais clara que o interior de si, e então...
Ele se sentou.
Ali, no corredor mesmo.
O cachorro fazia festa pois ele havia voltado, e ambos estavam juntos, pois não havia mais ninguém para acompanhá-los em boa parte do dia.
Às vezes você só... quer desmontar. Talvez chorar.
Na maioria das vezes, os motivos são bobos. É normal. Mas é bom ceder um pouco. E lá ele ficou. Eu conto que foi em torno de 45 minutos. Mas ninguém sabe ao certo, só quem está dentro da guerra sabe a duração real dela.
Às vezes dá medo.
E ele ficou lá. No escuro. Acompanhado pela luz nos olhos daquele que ele jurou cuidar.
Em um momento, ele simplesmente flexionou as pernas e afundou o rosto próximo aos joelhos. Uma posição bem defensiva eu diria.
Ele não contou isso a ninguém, nem pretendia contar. Acho que é parte da guerra, você sofre baixas e precisa se retirar.
Mas você só se retira porque na volta, ah, na volta...
Na volta você esmaga todos eles.


Já ouvi histórias de criaturas fantásticas que o acompanham. Não posso contá-las pois não tenho poder para tanto, há quem possa, mas não é o caso.
Mas acho interessante o fato de aquilo que falam sobre ação e reação, e a necessidade de existência de contrários, ser real. Não é um segredo que esse garoto esteja bem afundado em pensamentos... levemente negativos. Desde que ele consegue se lembrar. Porém existem essas criaturas. Na verdade não só elas, mas uma realidade inteira, um mundo gigante e vivo que o acompanha. E apesar de a maioria ser o que se chamaria de demônio ou monstro, são eles quem estão lá pra manter a máquina rodando.
Você sabia que toda vez que ele vai fazer algo que o deixe com medo ou extremamente receoso, acontece uma verdadeira preparação de guerra nos arredores? Temos demônios que jogam raios marcando posição e verificando toda a área por onde ele andar, atiradores em cima de cada altura, montanhas que se movem para protegê-lo.
Eles não desistem dele.
E ele acaba não podendo desistir também.
Se você olhar superficialmente, ele é fraco por depender de tantos outros. Sabe, tanta coisa mais forte que ele pra poder fazer ele ter coragem de andar, o cachorro que vive ali no céu olhando por ele, as criaturas que o acompanham na hora de dormir, aqueles que estão ali pra conversar quando não há mais nada vivo num raio de centenas de metros...
Mas não seria uma quantidade massiva de força, criar um mundo inteiro?
E mais, quando esse mundo estiver pra ruir, ser seu único salvador?


É divertido observar as transformações que as dezenas de nomes e eventos que são criados para tentar sobreviver a uma realidade que ele não compreende totalmente. É óbvio que o que existe na cabeça dele não é o suficiente, se não houvesse aqueles que o acompanham no mundo real ele não aguentaria mais estar ali.
No fim das contas, não posso responder sua pergunta, apenas contar a história de um super poder que veio de uma super fraqueza.


Você só continua. Você abaixa, se defende, levanta, tenta atacar, abaixa, aguenta a dor, levanta...
E aí, quando eles falharem, você ganha.