Battle of the many rounds

As we go rolling through the infinite dungeons that reality has imposed against us, we wonder, is that all? They don't stop coming but there is a certain pattern going on.
There's a pattern, I know there is.

Today I had a little breakdown, I remembered him. The food fell on the floor and my automatic response was to pick it back up, but then I remembered, there's no one to eat it on the floor anymore, this is not necessary.
Then it hurt.
Many things hurt in fact, but I guess that is just part of how the game is going to play for a while. I don't like it but these are the rules.
Sometimes I think I can win this shit, I think I am handling the situation better than expected, but then, there are other times when I'm not very sure...

– I... I feel weak. I remember that day. I remember him lying there. He didn't make it...
– Calm down...
– I don't know what to do, I don't want to erase my memories but then it looks so much easier..
– Just calm d...
– What do I do?
– Hey! Stop! What you are going to remember is what made it all feasible. You told me that yourself, that this time it felt like it was easier to stand your ground, because you knew you showed him that you cared. Remember? You could say that you loved him, and you said that. You stood there for him. Don't let these waves take you away, they'll pass eventually, and what will be left is your treasure.
– ...
– I'll tell you what you are going to remember. If you have to remember that day, remember how incredible his fur still was. He had the best fur we've ever seen on a dog. And then, you are going to reclaim your treasure, and those are the memories. How much he was happy when we gave him his first toy, that blue plush dog. And how he jumped so much when we took him for a stroll or gave him a bone cookie. When he fought against the hairdryer. Remember how awesome it felt when he welcomed you home. Every single piece of these memories. THAT, is what you are going to remember.

She won't look me in the eyes.
I know that's just her job. And I know that at the beginning of all this, I was a bomb just waiting for that single little spark that would blow it all up. But it passed.
Still, she is quiet. It feels so strange to see her that way. I know she feels guilty, even though that is just her job. I wish it wasn't. I guess many times she wishes too.
I hope someday I get the words to tell her that it is okay, that is a part of life. It is not her fault. Of all the angels that make me company, she was the one that was mostly there. Even though her presence calls for shivers and bad mood, I enjoy it when she is there.
Sometime in the future this will all be the past. I can't deny it feels... gratifying that it has taken such an impact on her. I wonder if I held her hands, would she... start to cry? I don't believe more tears have to be given. But it has been hard to go through. She is still around, I know that. Always protecting.
But the angel of death will take some time to look me in the eyes again.

You might have won this fight.
I can't lie, I am obliterated. Depending on people to join the bits together.
But you have just assured the war is lost.
I'm coming back.
And now I have to be strong to honor yet another buddy.
I don't feel angry or full of hatred, I guess. It is a very... new situation for me.
I just know, I'll fucking destroy you now. It's decided.
Your clock starts to tick. My pieces are getting together.