Someone to turn on the lights

I'm just... just standing here...
I see you sleeping, you look so distant, but that's not the worst. I can handle your distance, as long as you're fine. But you look sad, it's like you're into an endless nightmare, engulfed in an eternal darkness... it can be seen, just by looking at your face for a while. And I've been here for a long while...

Then why don't you just wake me up?

...And I wonder, if maybe that's not just too selfish of me. I'm afraid of what could happen if I woke you up... I'm afraid you'll be angry at me, it's almost like I could hear you screaming at me... and a part of me knows it's not real, because I can only guess how would you react, and guessing does not turn things into reality, but the mere thought of it shatters me...

It's too dark in here.

Some days I get the feeling it's getting easier to deal with it, I can live with this. Only seeing you there, assured you'll never know who I am. Perhaps it's better this way. But it doesn't last much... but, but I can guarantee you that, nothing will happen to you while you sleep, I'll be guarding you for as long as I live...

I'm still sleeping...

...Because, maybe, it was your decision... I'm afraid to bring you back into this world only to discover that you preferred this darkness, maybe reality was worse for you, maybe it brought you more suffering than your sleep. I, I really don't know, and I'm too hurt already to go further and discover the truth... but, if that's the case, then I can understand you, I really can. And, in case someday you wake up, I will do whatever I can to make this world less depressing for you, I can give you a good morning every day you get up and a good night everytime your eyes get to close when the moon is up there shining to us. I will do my best to at least help you pretend this is just another long dream, and that you're not really in the real world. Whatever you need, I'll be there.
I promise.

Just promise to take me outta here.

I'm sorry... but, if you want to come back, please, please, just give a sign, any sign. Anything...

Unstability

Why are we so unstable?
We, are different.
Huh, fine.


Shoot 'em down! All of them!
We'll be shooting sir, real soon...
I can't even wait. Can we use machineguns?
Any gun you want sir, any gun you want!
Haha, I remember the snow, DO YOU REMEMBER THE SNOW?!
I sure as heck do.
This anxiety is killing me, when do we start?
When it's ready.


FUCK!
...
Not even Painkiller can play now, what the fuck is wrong with all this shit?
I don't know, maybe, we... should get something else to do.
Something else? SOMETHING ELSE?!
...Yep...
There's not SOMETHING ELSE. I just want to play my simple game shooting my simple monsters, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
Nothing sir, it's just that, well, it looks like we are having a few problems trying to install it...
Fucking hell.


I think... we need to create more adrenaline.
More?
Yeah, we need more energy.
Hm...
What do you think?
I guess it could be useful. And, we can create anyway.
Gotta use our powers right?
Yeah, most people can't do it. That's just how unique we are, ain't I right? Who can say they can create their own energy?
Heh, if you look at it positively, that's about it.
We'll never get tired or sad as long as we have it under control!
Yep.


You think this is going to be a long night also?
Well, gotta be prepared for everything, right? Mostly if it's something very likely to happen, so, yeah.
Hm... I feel a bit bored.
Get used to it then.


The temperature is going down...
Yep.
I'm still bored, you think we'll have some snow today?
...


Why do we create these stupid songs?
Ah, we've got to create something sometimes...
I see.


These people that have dreams... how do they do it?
I don't know. Maybe they are... magical.
Hm... I'm dizzy.


So, we can't play. Fine.

Sun with C and H

It was past 5:30 a.m., he had just parked the car somewhere nearby the airport. There were cars everywhere, they found it amusing since most of those cars were owned by people travelling, meaning they just left their car there, unprotected for days... maybe weeks.
The car parked at their left made H scream, there was someone sleeping inside it. At the backseat, a white sheet had just risen, as she saw through the window. After a few laughs, they got to the conclusion it was just some random woman sleeping inside the car. Weird.
The three got out of the car, and began their walk to the airport, it was cold, though he didn't feel that much cold. His hands were freezing but that didn't bother him, somehow it didn't feel as cold as the two girls felt it was. Or, as the rest of the city felt.
They were then, pretty close to the climax of their morning journey, they roamed through the city while waiting for the hours to pass, counting on the vision they would have at 6 a.m.
The car after all wasn't that far from the airport, he thought they would have to walk a lot to get there. But, it took just a few minutes, and they were inside it. The big building with glass walls that allowed those at the last floor to see the airplanes arriving, coming down from a pitch black sky.
C was sleepy, she had been dozing inside the car most of the time since they left their friend's house. H was awake, a bit affected by the hours but still showing some energy. He, he was just tired, but nothing unusual.
It was just them, the security and the maintenance people inside. No other visitors would go there at that time, and that felt even better.
And so, they waited. And waited. These last minutes seemed longer than the hours they past before, roaming from place to place. Until C asked if the sky was really getting green, and it wasn't just her mind playing tricks on her because of the wee hours. It was really starting.
H prepared her camera, the two girls got up, they were sitting in the cold bench near the windows. As they spoke, standing near the windows, the sky changed. The reflection at the glass that blocked most of the vision of what was out there slowly faded. The green stain grew above the horizon, rising more and more. As the time past, more colors came to fill the big emptiness that once reigned above all land. It got purple, orange, light blue, and a lot more of variations that the girls could note, but for him, it was just a bunch of beautiful colors predicting what would come next.
As the sky got a light blue tone that could be seen pretty much everywhere, leaving some clouds to be spotted at the sky of this new day, their anxiety grew. The girls were taking some photos, some of the sky, some of themselves, he stood there, with his elbows on the holder that separated them from the windows, thinking...
C said once that he was too silent, that bothered her, but there wasn't much he could say, he was just there, wondering about life. H would sometimes ask him what was he thinking about, but he didn't like to talk about these things, so he would just get some general use answer to avoid further questions.
It was strange, a part of him was happy. Vibrant, since it had been long before he had company through such time of the day. And it had been fun. But, another part was a big confusion of bad feeling and thoughts. And confusion always finds a way of turning the good part into something blurred, not bad, just... blurred.
While watching the last minutes of wait, C said that the problems seemed to dim as the sky got into a brighter blue. He wondered about it, in part, it was really true. H asked if they could make a wish, each one of them. At first the other two found it a bit weird but, why not? And so, each one of them, silently made one wish for what was coming next, H took a bit longer since her wish wasn't only for her. That was a curious statement, and nice also.
Not long after that, it showed up. Rising from behind a big tree that could be seen at a distance, the sun appeared. It was bigger than the ordinary sun you get to see during common hours, it was easier to look at it, and it was amazing. The three stood there looking at it, C complained of her photosensitivity, but kept looking.
After some minutes admiring the sun that went above in the sky, they got to some restaurant to get hot chocolate, that would be their breakfast. As the sun illuminated the area with that light that can only be seen during early mornings.


It was just one day. It was today.
Thanks, girls.

Somewhere happy

So, I can only tell you that it does not exist.
But it does. There certainly is a place where you can be happy. Where there won't be people to bother you, and you can enjoy being with yourself. It looks lonely if you look at it with skeptic eyes but, I can assure you that it's better than it sounds. Way better.
The thing is, it exists, partially.
But, you can never go there... because, that's the place where human contact cannot harm you. And, you are already tainted with it, so, reaching it would annihilate the whole place and it would then become a place like every other.
But, at least, getting close to it makes you feel already better, so, just by trying to get there you can already enjoy. It's like, one of those invisible force fields that make those funny noises and blue effects when you get too close, and it blocks you. But you already feel good by being close, and then you try to get closer to feel even better, and you can, but you should never, ever, break the force field and actually get there, not like you could, anyway.
For some people it may work, I guess. For those who can never feel satisfied, like me, I guess it wouldn't help. So, I'm staying in touch with the real world, with people. Though I'm better alone.
Is there anyone out there wanting to merge forces in a death squad?
Just wondering...
I wonder, does anyone else out there see things as I see? Like, you're walking through the place you always walk, like your university, then it's night and a very common place looks like it's just gotten out of a movie or something like that? It's nice... people should try to look at dumb special locations more often.
I want to give people scars.
Hug me and I'll kill you, I really will... I will...

Nowhere and everywhere

Have you noticed how much have we already traveled?
What you mean?
I mean, most of the times we are... wandering, or walking to somewhere, or... you know, that kind of stuff, like... healthy people...
Well, it's good to walk, even when we walk to nowhere. Just for the sake of doing it...
Yeah...
Does it bother you?
No, I like to walk with you, it's... nice...
Good.
...But, have you ever wondered about it? I mean, about why do we walk so much? Because, looking closely, we are mostly walking to everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Well, remember one discussion we've had a few days ago?
You mean, about... the fun of living?
Exactly. I believe we walk so we can find it. Because, if we had stopped back there, where we started, we would definitely never find it. Because the fun of it will never get to you, you have to go for it. Even though we haven't found much yet but, chances are way better than those we get from standing still.
But, we still feel empty, you do, don't you?
...Yes...
Isn't it a bit frustrating to always feel incomplete while you walk around trying to find it?
No one never said life wouldn't be frustrating. But, fortunately, we have quite a high resistance to pain, so, we can take it. I guess... it will all get better once I find myself.
What?
I don't know how to explain, but, I guess, you feel complete once you find yourself, once you get in touch with who you are, and, if you take too long to find yourself, something else will. And most of the things out there on the hunt are evil, so, it's better to keep searching. I've found a few possibilities of what could be keeping the part of me that's lacking, I just need a signal that it is really in there. So, I guess we are getting close. It's a bit of a problem that most of the possibilities envolve people, but I guess we can handle it.
This means, we'll stop walking?
Hell no! It just means we'll keep walking, but feeling complete, and then we'll probably be able to enjoy our ride to the fullest.
Looks fun.

Believe

C'mon boss, we can do this!
I don't even know why did I agree on coming with you...
Because we are still in the game. We are not giving up without one hell of a fight!
Haven't we already had our hellish fights? Isn't it enough? Do you want to repeat the dose?
Those? I ain't talking about those silly battles. Those were too kindergarten-ish, if you know what I mean...
Oh, sure...
...and, c'mon, it looks like you've forgotten who you are.
And who am I?
Oh, don't play fool.
I know who the fuck am I, I just wonder who the fuck do YOU think I am.
You... WONDER?! You can give up on yourself, I'd hate that, but it's your life anyway, but I am not giving up on you still, because I know who you are, even though you seem to deny it. Because I am sure we can win it, we are outnumbered? Indeed. But weren't we outnumbered before? When did we need armies of soldiers to fight for us? NEVER. All we need are our trusted fellows, and they are there fighting for you, because THEY TOO KNOW what are they trying to prove.
And what is it that they are trying to prove?
That we can, no, that we will win this shit. And you feel this too, otherwise you wouldn't be here, why didn't you surrender when you've had the chance?
Who cares...
C'mon! We've defeated the machines before, for years, remember? You proved you could defeat those who didn't need to eat nor sleep... December, remember? If you don't remember your deeds, then it's up to me to carry these memories. Because I've witnessed you shine when all odds were stacked against you, and I've seen you rise when you were supposed to bow down. And I've seen you admit your mistakes like a man and face the consequences of what you've done, and when you helped that girl, just for the sake of helping.
Does that really count?
Why not? I doubt at least HALF of those motherfuckers out there would do the same. And I'm betting my arms on this. Is it really that hard to appreciate the good things you've done? How many times, tell me, just how many times do you need to do good things until you can believe you are worthy of winning? We can only win if you come with us boss, you're the one with the potential to change this scenario. You've beaten that which is not human, damn. I know you can win anything as long as you believe it.
...
Please...
The thing is, that I want to believe, but, maybe I'm not the kind that believes easily.
That's a beginning!


I know, been there, done that, but hey, you're among the living, deal with repeating over and over. After all, the real fun comes from breaking cycles.

Beware the dream

Head keeps on blasting, gotta go sleep...
Just... don't let that dream come back, please.


The dream...
I don't really know how to start, but I was planning on not even touching that topic anyway, but maybe it's important. Maybe.
I just wonder, how ridiculous is it to be afraid or disturbed by a dream? It's not like when the evil beings chase you to death and then get to stab you at the end when you wake up screaming with your heart pumping, sweating cold in the middle of night. That's normal, and mostly doesn't last long anyway.
The problem is, I mean, seems to be. In fact, let's just jump from this analytical stage to something more ''rant-friendly''. The problem is when you wake up with your heart trying to explode, out of something good. It just won't stop, because you're not out of the dream yet, it's not about a life threat that surrounded you, because those things go away as soon as you come back. It's... a thing that should be sleeping. It's your heart pouding because you've just remembered you have a heart. Not the one that deals with blood, the fictional heart.
Looks like that dream was the final blow...
Because it's been long since I last felt that. And I'd rather keep that as a forgotten idea. For a long time I treated this feeling as a forbidden topic, and it worked because as years passed by, I forgot. And it helped me, it backed me up when it was time to dish people out of their arguments, because I was actually better alone. But then, she came.
Had I not slept that day, everything would be different and much more under control, but, damage is already done, crying over it won't help it in any possible way. We are screwed now, and we'll have to deal with it.
And I still can feel it...


I can remember the dream, not the visual parts since most is now blurry, and the thing that marked the most was the memory of having a heart, things that you can't explain logically. Stupid things.


How silly is it? 'Cause I don't even have a clue...
Well, let's see, I'll tell you and perhaps by treating the situation as an outsider you can tell me, alright?
Alright.
So, a pretty girl was there at your room, it was a bit dark...
It's always dark in that realm...
I don't care, so, it was dark, and it was a surprise for your, birthday. So, a surprise visit in a day that wasn't your birthday but was close to it, since probably during your birthday you would be busy.
Which is not quite very true but...
I haven't asked you anything. So, you get near her and you guys talk a bit about random things, at some parts you speak some other language out of the blue, and she understands it and you feel a bit stupid but you couldn't control it. So, you guys are really close and you hug and it feels weird because this girl seems to like you, and then you go walking through the streets talking about random things, you see her father and you speak a bit about work and, it's mostly that. So, how ridiculous does that sound?
I don't know, it looks good...
That was my point, case closed.