Shatter

Empathy: the ability to sense and understand someone else's feelings as if they were one's own.
Apathy: lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
Looks like we have a shitload of troubles around here.
I saw a man have his ankles smashed by a sledgehammer. He cried in pain while his torturer believed he was doing it for greater good, since then he wouldn't be able to escape. Indeed, it was just a movie. But my friends felt his pain, while his bones were shattered and his feet twisted. I felt... nothing. I understand it was painful, but it didn't seem to have any effect on me. There was no agony, no awry feeling. Perhaps this is an isolated case, maybe I'm not in the mood for empathy today. Well, there's a million possibilities.
Yet I felt so weird the day my aunt came to me crying during dawn, for her newly born son only cried and cried and she didn't know what to do. I stood there by her side, though I couldn't find words to say, as I wanted to say something. It's good to comfort and console people. Very good actually. Sometimes I feel like I need people's sorrow. I like to help in these cases.
Even though it may end in ways we couldn't possibly expect.
It's hard to behave when you don't know how you should behave. All I have in mind is that I don't want to be a pain for her. Guess I'll talk to her about this soon.
Asking for pardon in advance.

The way things are

I find beauty in moments that are too common...
Well, I guess many also do that. But I just got the idea on writing about it now. Here I am looking through the window, it's raining weakly. It's aroung 5 p.m. by now so it's getting dark, the sky is in a light grey tone that's just terrific. So I stay here listening to Otyg and looking at the rain, it can't be described with words.
Indeed, it seems to be a sad moment, and I guess it really is. But, there's some beauty inherent to some sad moments. Thus making them not that sad.
I feel like listening to some slower song these times, but as Otyg was playing before and to me it matched the circunstamces, it remained playing.
It makes me remember yesterday, when I was coming back to home after class during the morning. The sky was pretty awesome that time. Pretty usual, blue with some clouds here and there. But somehow it just seemed to be the perfect background.
Ah, these afternoons.
It remember me the times when we stood playing for hours while it rained. Of course, in case there was bright sun, we would play the same way, but with the rain it was... just better. We could watch movies also. Damn.
Sure, we can do that now, but it just doesn't feel like before. And my nature of missing the past so much will keep on hammering this in my head. Shit I miss those times.
Things have changed. Well, things have to change, that's life.
I understand that, and don't get me wrong, I'm not mourning over and over about it. Nor I like to talk about that. But I guess sometimes people just have to... discharge. Perhaps that's one thing that has changed. For better, probably.
Yet I don't feel comfortable on talking about these matters. But who cares? Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
And this year continues to rage. Sometimes I start to wonder what am I becoming, then I slap myself and continue to walk. That's one of the major changes (although it doesn't happen every time).
It was almost a week ago...
Sometimes I find it stupid that it's been more than 19 years and yet I ain't used to most life mechanics. But my opinion is biased.
It could be colder today.
They say that if you miss things very much, it's because those were good things, so you should be happy to have had them. But, it seems so bad when you miss, it's strange. But I guess that on the brighter side, I have a load of stories to tell. And a lot of things that I should help people remember.
It should be colder today.

Disarm

Are you okay?
Why the fuck do you keep asking how am I, if I'm fine, all this crap??
I...
Stop talking like a crybaby. And don't you even fucking think about crying. Now that's it, wipe these tears. NOW. Listen, if you ever ask me again this crap...
I just ask because I care about you.
What...?


Don't you miss being disarmed?
What do you mean?
Like, when someone does something that you didn't expect at all. But in a good way.
Hm...
Like when you faced the clown some days ago. And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.
Well... indeed it was good, but it got some awful consequences...
But at the moment it feels good. Even though the awful things happened, at the exact moment you got disarmed you felt good.
But what's the point of feeling good if sooner you feel horrible?
Well, that's life...
But I miss it... a little...
I find it fantastic, I mean, this ability to disarm. It's pretty nice because, well, there are people out there that live armed to the core... like you. So it's a chance to feel calm at least once, feel like the world could go to the hell damned pit it came, it's matterless. You gotta keep these few people close man.
Says you.
Nah... it's serious. That warm feeling, it's priceless. Specially for...
Whatever dude...
...the disheartened.


I wish I had this ability.
Maybe you have, it's just that these things people tend to keep for themselves, selfish bastards.
Haha, but there's no way to discover if I have?
Guess there isn't. Unless they are very transparent, but I doubt so.
Well, just keep moving right?
Hell yeah!


Don't you have any will left?
Will?
You know... don't you want to do something?
Not as far as I know...
You make so many plans... but you stay mostly in this ridiculous inertia.
Perhaps I'm making plans to the wrong direction.
So... why don't you change directions?
I don't know...
We're screwed.


I stay in this cottage, hearing the rain. It seems like the last rain I'll witness. I can't move to anywhere else, I can just wait 'til death comes. Soon there will be water everywhere, and no more roof, no more walls. I would like to ask for forgiveness, I'm sorry for anything I might have done to your harm. I did not mean to scare. And I also don't know if I actually scared you, but I feel like apologizing. It seems like my sins shall never be forgiven, for I can't accept forgiveness. But still, I'm sorry for anything. That's it.

Prove

You know what's this?
Erh... chocolate?
Almost. This IS chocolate, but it's also more.
So this is not chocolate?
Do not pretend to be stupid, this is chocolate.
...?
But it also is your chance to get your soul back.
I... lost my soul??
Not exactly, you're just at the brinks of losing it.
Why??
You failed many times, if you don't make a hit this time, we won't need you anymore. Got it?
I got it... but I don't understand what a snack can do for me...
You will be given the instructions tomorrow. JUST. DON'T. FAIL. AGAIN.

Rest

I guess I need to take a break.
You know, get away from people, lessen social contact. Perhaps I've developed some kind of dependancy on that. Crap.
I don't know I just keep thinking about the cool things that happened today and thinking that it all may mark this day as awesome, as it was planned to be, but these might just be illusions, so it was just a normal day. So many stupid thoughts...
I can just stop thinking and say that today was just very below expectations, and that's it. But it seems I'm still reluctant to accept that.
Anyway, hope it rains now. Almost time to sleep, it would be good. Tomorrow is the first day of classes and I just fucking don't know how I feel about it. Because of these goddamn thoughts. I am giving importance to things that aren't important...
Looks like I've just lost the way once again. But I can handle this.
It's funny how anger rises when in touch with situations you can't figure out how to solve...
I think about thanking people for all and then just disappearing but that would make unnecessary worries. It must be gradual, though fast. All dependancy must be eliminated.

The last day

Tomorrow is the last day.
Well, not exactly the last day, since there will be more last days ahead until the real last day. But looking at it in a narrower time range, tomorrow is the last day.
It has to be intense...
But how...?

Rain

Rained yesterday.
But not a common rain, more like... those nice rains you mostly see on television. You know, it's pretty dark and the wind almost isn't blowing. The rain begins calmly, the raindrops are heavy, falling vertically. No wind, you hear the sound of the rain perfectly, hitting leaves, creating puddles. These rains last long, most times, but today it lasted for around twenty minutes, although, even if they end, they leave a cold feeling, and cold weather is better than hot weather.
Well... I like rain...
It's just so weird this feeling of having things to talk but... not being able to. These are strange times indeed. But that's a good thing, while things are strange you don't get used to it then you get more active, sort of.
At this exact moment things are a little awry, but it can be fixed. The problem of missing something you can't get is pretty stupid...
Well, at least I have these rains, while the raining season last...
I guess I lately need people to give me limits... I simply can't get enough of things...