Gift, part 4

–You could film while you explode it, then throw it in the lake. Or maybe just throw it in the lake, filming it all. Then you send her the video.
–I don't know. I mean, I understand doing it, and to be honest I would really like to do it. Even thought about putting a dead rat inside and giving it back to her. But... won't that just continue things?
–What do you mean?
–Isn't it better to just ignore? Drink it and leave it as is. After all, it is a bottle of Sprite. And I love Sprite.
–Well, that's the more mature reaction. Though I'm not sure you are truly bent to going for such path. Are you?
–I guess so. I'm tired. And I don't want to continue this. If I do something like that I might be opening another opportunity for her to appear. I just want it all to end. Like it should have ended, if I followed advices.
–Yeah. Had you followed by my words things could be pretty different, I always tell you that. But you still refuse to accept that my advices are your salvation.
–I know, I know...
–So, no filming, exploding...?
–Nah... I don't think it will be worth it. I'd rather just drink it and then dispose of the bottle. Like any normal bottle of Sprite.
–That's good. But you know that if you want to do anything else to it, I'm all for it.
–Haha, okay.
He looked at the bottle, as if it held something ominous inside. It was just a normal bottle, with a message written into a small piece of paper, pasted with a ribbon made of adhesive tape at the top of it.
Although at first he was mad angry at the gift, later on he was being honest when he said that he didn't want to do anything more aggressive. After all, he was really tired.
And although he followed those words, he couldn't help it.
–Why are you writing her an email?
–I just need to.
–You told big sister that you did not want to continue this mess.
–I know, but I feel like I will get better by sending this message.
The room was bleak. He chose words slowly as he wrote the message. Even though he stated that he would just drink and not do anything else to the bottle, he had a need to make explicit all the ideas he and big sister had gathered. In the end, he finished it with some sort of threat.
He didn't want to see her anymore, not even a single mention of her existence. Thus he wrote. "If you want a reason to avoid seeing me, I can provide you one". Perhaps not as mature as he was acting some moments before, but it was done.
Darkness watched as the message unfolded from his thoughts.
Worried, but grinning.

–I might feel some sort of remorse from what I wrote.
–You probably will, boy.
–Yeah...
–But at least you stood for yourself, once.
–I think like that. It feels good to, I don't know, react.
–So where are you drinking it?
–I don't know. I didn't quite plan that.
–It is best to drink it as fast as you can. Or else you will keep on remembering.
–You're right.
–I am but you won't do it, will you?
–I...
–You won't. I've been observing you for some years now. And even you have already got conscious of your behavior.
–Hm... that stands... true.
–It would be better for you to calm down. Perhaps you need to stay at home for a while.
–I am calm.
–You are? And do you expect to have a response for that email?
–I don't care about an answer, I just had to send it.
–Do you believe what you say?
–Well, I kinda do.
–If you didn't care about an answer, why would you send it anyway?
–To say those things.
–If you didn't care, why would you want to say anything?
–Because it had to be said.
–But you comprehend that is not like ignoring?
–I can ignore her answer.
–Like you ignored her after the gift.
–It's different, okay?
–Perhaps for the part of you that denies you crave for her attention, yes.
–Fuck off, I need to sleep.

–You can color it any way you want to.
–I see...
The psychologist was being very helpful after all. He started seeing her not long after that day at the car. At first, it was a very awkward encounter and she had to take some time before actually engaging in what was really the meaning behind this patient.
She made it very clear that he could only talk when he felt like doing it. He could even sleep at the sofa if that was his desire. He knew that would be pretty much a waste of time though, since he went to see her to help him find some sort of cure for that tainted his thoughts. And sleeping outside of home for less than an hour, and also paying for it, wasn't going to help much.
They had some silent moments which felt plain stupid, yet her face was that of someone who got total control of the situation. It took a few weeks before they were treating the problem of enjoying hangouts. It couldn't be fully cured since there was always that feeling of not being enough when he went out with his friends, but at least it was more enjoyable. Also, he wasn't worrying so much about the money he spent when they did it.
But the real deal behind these encounters, was her.
And that was a more complicated scheme. After all, time also played a big role, and that made him impatient.
Breaking his walls wasn't so hard after all, it might have taken some time but, he wanted to speak. It was just hard to speak about the more.. deeper things. Sometimes he would mask reality a little bit (knowing that wasn't going to take anywhere better, but it was one hell of a task to speak his heart out).
She would bring activities involving games or just books to read. It was all pretty childish but it felt good. He missed doing such things, growing up was very mind consuming. Also, she gave him candy. The craving for sweets was a loud speaker.
At the current moment, he tried to color a drawing. That was one hard activity. He always got scared of coloring things because, either he would make it all yellow (as a child it resembled gold, and that was cool) or spend hours wondering what color was better for each part. And when there wasn't such freedom of choice, it would be worse, for he had a mild color blindness.
But, after a few minutes thinking, he went for an orange sky and slightly twisted color patterns for a simple grassy environment. It all went well. They talked about his choices and he explained that it felt better that way. Something close to a sunset, and the dark colors that accompanied him during his dreams.
This was one of those days in which he felt good after the appointment.
While going back home, he looked at the grey sky. Rain was coming.
The wind blew colder, refreshing.
He closed his eyes.
–Feels good, doesn't it?
–It does...
It was a brief moment. But it stood in his thoughts later.
It was in his head.

The semester was coming to an end, there would be 2 more tests for this one subject, and he needed a miracle. A few weeks before he had decided to finally take his studies seriously, after facing reality when a professor raised his grade in order for him not to fail. She trusted him. Now he had to take her trust ahead.
For one entire month, he would just go to the university, and study. He didn't see his friends. He went to the library, to classes, to anywhere he felt like reading books.
It was tiring. But it would be rewarding.
And, after all those days, he made his miracle. His grades were good enough so that he didn't even need the other 2 tests in order to be approved. After all those months feeling lost, he accomplished something.
He went out with the circle afterwards. And there were some new faces, that although not truly inside the circle at the initial formation, were hanging out with his chosen ones.
And they were nice.
And it felt good.
But coming back home, there was something strange. Perhaps the lack of immediate duty to fulfill made him feel empty. Days had passed in which he had only himself studying, and the darkness when he closed his eyes. It was some sort of company.
But now, coming back to reality, the burnout was pretty intense. And he felt somewhat away from his buddies at the circle.
It would go away soon, he thought. He just need to sleep, after all.

Tired, but not sleeping.
That was his burden. The feeling of emptiness kept him awake. His parents slept at the other room. He looked at the corner, hoping for it to be there.
This time not even darkness was there.
It felt funny.
It was always there, looming, during the night when lights went out. But that was it, he had to sleep.
For a few dozens of minutes he stood facing the wall, eyes shut. Sometimes trying to hold back all these thoughts that seemed to roar from left to right, and back again.
–Hello there.
He opened his eyes. A mixed reaction of being scared and being relieved took him by assault.
–I have two things for you this night.
–What do you mean?
–Remember when you said you wanted to ask something, since I had asked you something?
–Yes.
–Well, the name's Daven.
–...What?
–I know what you wanted to ask. So that's the answer.
–I don't even rememb... well, how do you know that? What if I wanted to ask something else?
–I saw it, don't fret about that. Now, there's the second thing.
–What is it?
–I brought you, company.