They were all there at the grass, some sitting, some lying there, staring at the sky. A group of friends from the university, just chatting for a while, forming a circle. But it wasn't his "circle".
It was a dark night, the university's lights weren't very bright but perhaps that is what gave that place its charm. Old-looking buildings and nature.
As he walked, something in his guts bewildered him. "Perhaps that's a bad idea", the words silently took hold of him. The more he thought, the slower he walked.
But he had to, he was the one who asked to meet her. At least he would keep his word, and that was enough. Even if it took a long time, he would get there. Perhaps it was just the fear of speaking to people, perhaps it was just the fear of speaking about things he left chained down below. There were just so many hypotheses and fears that trying to understand became more of a tedious chore than a comprehensive quest.
He stared at them for a while, as if deciding if he would really take this ahead.
But it was too late for decisions, they had already seen him, and one girl had already raised her hand, waving at him.
He greeted her and her friend, and a bunch of the other humans present there. He was acquainted with a handful of them, nice guys. It just wasn't a very good day for such...
He started to talk, it was hard to get to the point. Most of the time he tried to run around in topics, rare times would he start firing what had to be fired.
But he didn't want to fire that.
She wasn't a part of it. But had she been, would it be any different?
Coming to think of it, the answer pointed to a negative. He stopped speaking and just thought about that question. It looked like a waste of time. One big waste of time for all involved.
–But, what did you want to talk about? You seemed strange.
He gulped. "Nowhere to run now, what are you going to do?".
–Well, it's a little bit awkward...
She gazed at him, as someone expecting for a comet that only shows up once every dozen years.
–You know, it is quite weird to talk about these things. I don't talk much about it. I mostly try to speak about funny things in order to make people laugh.
She just paid attention.
A long sigh.
–Have you ever felt like, you're not a part of this world?
–What do you mean?
–I mean, not being normal at all. Thinking strange things, liking strange things, not being able to connect to people...
–I might get it but, why do you say that?
–I don't know, I just have this horrible feeling. And I think of all the strange things that I think that are so different from what normal guys think. I can't play the game by their rules, but everyone seems to play by the same rules.
–Being normal is a complicated concept, no one's actually normal.
–I know but, I am... stupid.
–You're not stupid.
–Why do I feel stupid then? Why do I feel these things? I don't understand what is going on.
Her friend turned her head toward them.
–I can't date girls I don't like. It feels ridiculous because, that is the normal thing. But it gives a bad sensation whenever I try to do it. As if it was wrong.
–Then don't do it.
–But that's what normal people do.
–You don't need to do it, anyway.
–But I don't like being alone.
–Well, you don't need to be, you can call your friends, you can go out, like right now.
–But it's not their problem also. And, I like going out with them and all that but, there's always this strange feeling when I have to go home. I want more. But I don't know how to achieve this... "more". I feel like I bother then sometimes, I worry about everyone too much, I start to invade their personal space in order to help them.
–You don't seem like someone that worries about everyone so much...
–Not everyone, I said that in the meaning of everyone I care. I mostly care about those around me, others are just... well...
And it went on.
Slowly, the menacing feeling gave place to a fragile tranquility. It was weird to expose such things, but it brought a curious reaction inside him.
And a few meters from there a lamp blew.
Darkness watched.
Until the boy rested his head in her lap as the girls continued to listen to him.
Sunday night, past 11 p.m.
Once again, he kept his eyes shut, hoping to sleep soon. For some reason, Sunday seemed to be the worst day to sleep at night. Perhaps because Friday and Saturday were days with no fixed time to go to bed. Having to sleep and feeling like sleeping were so different...
He always found it funny to open his eyes after a while. The room wasn't as dark as before. A gray light seemed to take place.
But nothing he did would help in sleeping, sometimes he would try to breath in heavily and breath out slowly. Some doctor once told him that was a way to become a calmer person. But it was irrelevant. And thinking about it only detracted him from the objective.
–You don't need to force yourself so much.
–But I have to wake up early tomorrow.
–Indeed... but do you really believe keeping there at bed will help?
–Maybe, sometimes I sleep.
–And many times you stay there for hours. Why don't you get up and do something else?
–Not sure... I will be tired tomorrow if I do that.
–But you can be tired of trying to sleep so much and getting so little of it. Right?
–Right.
The freedom that idea brought was amazing. It was wrong but he couldn't help it. In a couple of minutes, he got up, and turned on the computer. If sleeping wasn't an option, playing was. Still standing up, he looked at the light switch.
–That's not a good idea. Your parents might see the light and they'll know you're not trying to sleep.
That convinced him.
And for a few hours, he had the joy of a Sunday to Monday transition.
It was a stupid idea from the start.
They barely talked to each other anymore. Still, he wanted to see her. Even though he shouldn't as they wouldn't work together. But it felt relieving to keep images of her company inside his mind. The day had been weird and that was enough of a reason for breaking the rules.
He drove to her block, thinking of what he had seen earlier.
His friend's broken relationship had really gotten to him. And also, that mushy message on the website. Had he focused on thinking about the barbecue he attended that same day, perhaps he wouldn't let these two things connect.
But that was a possibility on another dimension by then. That night, he waited, parked close to her block. Thinking on what was he doing, or what would he do. Anxiety flooded the car's interior. And somewhere closer.
His eyes caught what seemed to be a couple in the distance.
Still wondering whether he should carry this ahead or not, he looked at this phone. She might not even be home, she might be sleeping, she could not even want to talk to him, but she said whenever he needed her, she would help him...
Many things could be... anything could be. His mind raced while the body just held the phone and the eyes stared at it.
She could be having fun with her friends, or maybe watching a movie, or maybe...
Now his eyes couldn't move away from that couple. Could it be? The possibilities danced in his head, a fierce waltz that trampled his body and left him out of breath.
Albeit the street lamps, something moved toward the car.
He got enough courage and dialed the number.
It started to move faster, avoiding the circles where illumination hit most.
He called her.
It stopped.
Somewhere close to the car, a phone started to ring. Very close, as in, under the block.
His senses rapidly swinged, the sound was coming from that couple. Could it be mere coincidence?
After some ringing, he cancelled the call. And the sound stopped. That song stopped. A song that could easily be from her phone, from a band she liked, coming from that couple.
It was only right.
Time to go away. The night seemed to get a bit darker.
–Don't worry, boy. It will be okay.
It said from inside the car.
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