The garden of help

Do you know it?
I mean, do you know those times when you think about writing something but the ghosts haunting your head just... don't let you go.
I haven't learned to stop judging, I mean, the bad judgement. Nor have I learned to forgive. At the moment I'm tired. I feel like at these times I gotta refrain from speaking or writing, or just doing any communication... in order to avoid doing stupid things. That's because I judge as stupid some of the things people do when they are lost.
There's a ton of judgemental scenarios.
Haha, this wasn't supposed to be a sad text. But unfortunately, every night in the weekends has became a strange journey through emptiness.
Hm...
It's stupid to ask for help when we don't know what could be done to amend the situation, right?
I sometimes think about getting my friends for a sleepover, it could be nice. But perhaps we are too old for this shit. Maybe I'm too old for anything.

At a first glance, it was all about that chat. It happened over some kind of deep, maybe a canyon. They sat at the border, one swinging legs like a child that is too excited about a new story.
It's a place to not be, for being there would require of one's patience and bravery insane amounts. The guards are ordered to not let anyone pass, dead or alive, for there shall be no harm to those two. Under any circumstance. It could be said that is one of the last peaceful sites that now remain in our world.

—So, what do you think?!
—I don't know, do you really think that would work?
—Of course! Who wouldn't want to be helped?
—Well, I don't know, maybe someone whose need for help is pretty specific, so, not everyone could help.
—But then, that person doesn't need help, he needs something else, that he disguises as a need for help, because he doesn't think he can acquire it by himself!
—Well, maybe, maybe...
—So...?!
—You really want to help people?
—Yes!
—Why?
—What do you mean?
—Why do you want to help people? Don't come saying that you don't want anything in return, that's a stupid lie.
—Ah, I see. Well, there once was a man who told me that when you help someone, you make a bond of gratitude with that person. I don't know exactly how that works, and I don't know if I already have such bonds, but they say it really can make you feel very, very joyful. That has to be a very awesome feeling I suppose. But then, they say that you shouldn't do something for others if you are expecting something in return. Well, that holds true for most cases, but I think that desiring good things for myself, as in wishing to feel happy, isn't what they aimed when they created that phrase. First, because they say that before liking someone, you have to like yourself. Before trying to help someone else's garden to flourish, you have to take care of yours, in order to be able to walk through it and get the means to help others. It's not like, help yourself first, then others. It's more like, get yourself in good shape, so you can effectively help others. Look, I don't know, my entire life I've felt a monstrous urge of helping people. Maybe it's because they said helping others make you feel good, and that could mean that helping others could make me feel okay. Most of the times, I don't feel very okay, but when someone asks me what's going on, I just don't know what or how to say. I don't know how to gauge things, maybe my garden isn't ready, maybe there still aren't those pretty stone tiles in the ground, surrounded by pretty grass or what-will-be-pretty-grass-in-the-close-future. I just wanted to help someone, and feel that I really changed someone's life, for the better. Maybe, that's a quest for forgiveness, who knows. I don't really know how to get out of this maze of what it is and what it is not. Maybe someday I can have someone to think of me as some sort of hero. Or an angel, like in the remote times, even though I've never felt like one. I just wanted... to be something. They say this weird thing I feel could be erased with the company of a dog, or a girlfriend, I don't know. Coming to think about it, I don't know many things, and everytime I come to think deeper about anything, I feel like I know nothing, I know no reasons, no objectives, no "why's". I just, float through thoughts and emotions daily. And this has to stop somehow. And helping someone might be the way out! Because, of all the strange tide of emotions that come back and forth, the feeling of feeling useful for helping people was among the constant ones. I don't know how to help, I don't know if it would be worth it, I don't even know who to help. But some people can only recognize things in themselves after someone else recognizes these things. That's a way, I guess. Please, I just need to do something, if I remain thinking I will gather doubts about whether this looks reasonable or not.
—You know, I've promised to help you, through the pain and misery. I don't like to see you lost as you have been in the last... long time. And I need you to be sure you can count on me, even though I'm just a creation of your newest repair module, just a trick your mind used to give yourself support in a world where you just don't seem to be able to truly connect to people.
—I know.
—So, you don't need to ask. You've already got my support by heart.
—To the garden?
—To the garden.