Flak

Quirk.
A word that came to mind upon thinking about a path of description for this year's launch.
A quirk of fate that it turned into such disastrous discussion. It's mind-boggling how it spiraled down, yet one can always choose to blame overworldly forces for one's quirks.
We all had our curious behaviours, by simply paying attention it was easy to spot something was off. Well, something seems to be always off. We're adults, we're tired, we're anxious, we're worried. Each and every one carried an amalgam of these. We focused on our private worlds, but the connection between them, it felt lackluster.
Maybe it's just me, but this ain't a rambling about connecting people and closing the mirrors that drag our attention.
It's a coming in terms with a big part of 2018. The rage I beseech as my burden has been along time enough. The newcomer is the projection. We make projections of people by small quirks we've seen on the ones we hate. And thus we forget that the one right in front of us ain't them, it's those who are by our side. Traits and ideas of those we hate are a part of those we hate, they aren't the true definition of them, for people concoct a myriad of traits in becoming themselves. And the process is never-ending, as our constitution changes from time to time.
The events molded us, and will continue to do so.
I need to control the tendency of disagreeing with people. And focus on not projecting.
Despite hating those who feel superior, I can't go all-out on anyone who shows that trait. Sometimes it's those we care for. We need to focus on remembering there's no good and evil, and many times ideas we hate are a part of people we admire.


But what if, the projection is helping us?
In which way?
It is a sign that one is becoming like those we hate.
While it could be, young one, remember signs are very vague, and reading signs ain't much into our book. It could be a transition into something better, for all the variables to account for aren't even known, if they ever will.
But what if they become?
Then they did, and as long as they are satisfied and following their beliefs, it ain't our business. We can present our anguish, say farewell, and things of the same sort. But it ain't our duty to change them or keep track of what they have to become. Don't fall prey to such ideas.


Hold the flak, these aren't our targets.

These crooked dark visions

I just wanted to come here and tell you I realized something.
While I was preparing to take a bath, I know it, it's weird, but it has happened quite a lot lately, the wee hours were never that wee anyway, you know it.
So, under the duties of that procedure, I realized, or maybe I just had a hint, some sort of epiphany. Or something else and nothing and all...
But, do you remember the Ents? I thought I was wonky due to the moments I cried in movies. What makes the tears drop is those strange scenes, that aren't actually strange, they are cool and all, but crying on them is strange. I have a lot of Lord of the Rings moments to list, from Gimli welcoming the fight in Moria to the last march of the Ents, all the way to the gates of Mordor. It was always, those epic pre-fight scenes or something. 
That was the light I had back then, I cry on epic battle preparations. But, I just had this thought, under the hood of explaining myself to the crowd, that I find it emotional because those are examples of people (I know, I know) following their duties, even if it means sacrificing themselves. The dedication, the discipline, it's mesmerizing.
And that could perhaps explain, why I insist on what I do. Dunno, it's stupid, but, maybe? That could be my mind trying to set itself in peaceful grounds, while I swim though the chores of a job I don't feel satisfied...
Looked more insightful back when I thought it...

It finds you after sleep

I wanted to tell you the name of the game. But that would take away the fun of it.
So, what's the name of it? Do I get any hints?
You see, the name of the game lacks substance.
Is that a hint?
So much...
Something that lacks substance...
The name of the game came from above, but now finds itself below.
So it's something that... descends...?
Oh, oh, poor one.
No patronizing, I'll get it. Is it fragile?
Oh, ho-oh, as fragile as can be, like thin glass...
Fragile that goes down...
DOWN AND DOWN AND DOWN!
You're beginning to scare me. W-well, so far I got 3 hints, I suppose that's all I'm entitled for.
Entitled...
Hm... so, is it... rain? It comes from above and the raindrops are fragile, but I'm not sure about the substance part...
Rain...? What the hell is rain supposed to mean?
Ok, ok. Not rain. You see, you gave me 3 hints already but it's all to vague, I'm pretty much at a lost in here.
HEE-HEE LOST. YOU HEAR THIS? HE'S LOST, WE'LL BEAT THE GAME!
Erm... who you talking to?
Beat the game...
So, maybe...
Smash it! Beat it to a pulp!
Yeah... we will beat this game... I suppose...
Tear it apart...
I appreciate your determination, but could you come back to our guessing game?
...
Oh, that's... quite a strange look...
...
Would you mind coming back a few minutes in our chat? I need your answer, I think I got it.
The name of the game...
Could it be... a leaf in autumn?
...
No?
Come a bit closer.
Why?
Just come a little closer, here, like this.
Did I win?
A bit more, okay, that's nice.
...?
So, you lost. But still, you're very courageous right now.
Why so?
You're... you're...
Ah... what's wrong?
YOU'RE GAME.

Lest we forget

Last we met you were so high and mighty about those around you. Now I see you've forgotten, abandoned and ignored them.
Is it the touch of death that rises these eyebrows? Or is it... the blazing speed of decaying dreams? I see the fire has started to dim. And your fire has yet to prove itself. Is it a fire that starts and ends without a purpose? Are these flames as lost as the shine in your eyes? Nothing burned, nothing was altered. The ignition has thus served no purpose.
I see now that you're regrouping. Did you lose count? 'Cause I did. This is past the tenth or so "rearming", is that the name? The way you call it.
Maybe if you need to rearm again so much in such a short timespan... weapons won't solve the problem. Maybe you are the problem.
You hide behind these people. Behind the ideas you imagined about these people. Crouching when you should be standing. I view the whole battlefield, and you're not even into the main event. It's been so long, so long...

I see your pain, and your fear. The mind-boggling array of voices that overtake your domains once every week. You hate Mondays, and thus, you hate Sundays. And on Fridays, you hate Saturdays. Because one day leads to the other. And sooner or later, the cycle restarts. You cannot avoid your choices. But you can make new ones.

I know you're sad. And you and I know you won't take that leap. No, not that window. No matter how inviting it may seen, that type of self-destruction will never be on your menu. Funny how some ideas are deeply engraved into our psyches.
But that which brought you joy, that brought you lessons, that gave you ONE FUCKING REASON TO WAKE THE FUCK UP, you did not take in your heart. Maybe some oaths are just meant to be shown in seasons. Makes you humans feel like you're part of something, by saying something is a part of you. Everybody is made of parts, but the parts are replaceable.

Now watch the fires burn while you repeat to yourself you need to hold your ground because others may need you. It's all about the money, right?

Maybe it really meant something by that time. And since you already betrayed that which you for long swore to love, betraying yourself is piece of cake. You never truly felt fond of rising these eyes when facing a mirror.
By the thorns of undevoted love, I hereby mark my position. I will be the watcher of your decay. Struggle, my dear human, for your words shall no longer be treasured, nor will your acts be an inspiration for next generations.
Let the judgement begin.

No clouds in the horizon

It's funny that we ended up this way.
I guess you could say I belong to the abyss, for time and again I've been winding up here. Perhaps lately I've been more searching than avoiding it.
There's no comprehension so far for this thing I feel. All this rage, astir. Morosely swallowing its chains. It's me, and it hurts me. For all this time the solution was simply making sure its target was only me. But if even the bones of our backs tend to bend over time, how could these answers not befall the same ordeal in due time?
Your back aches, your neck hurts, your stomach suffers. All these strange symptoms popping around your body, is it time?


I feel tired when I go there. I always heard you shouldn't go to work as if you were headed to the slaughter.
Maybe I should've paid heed to their words before.
It's true.


I feel I've overdid myself in my frenzy. It wasn't an all-out social suicide but it was... some sort of teaser. I believe there's way more triggers now.
All these triggers...


Do you think we can make it through the elections?
We'll brace up, we'll lock down.
If we control it all the way through, do you think it's gonna be okay?
We'll silence the noise, we'll focus our eyes.
Could you please answer me in a way that makes me feel you're you?


Guess that's payback.
I don't know how to control it. Time flies.
I keep on saying that I love you but I do not prove. We've been distant all the way up to now. And possibly for many more days on end. I feel like saying I'm sorry but I'm the one who seems to sink. You didn't abandon me one darn minute, not even when I sleep. You've always there, and once I sleep we're together. A never-ending role fest, where all can be new by merging the past.
I can't say sorry, except for the fact that I've been weak. A coward and a sinner.
A coward and a sinner.
A betrayer and a killer.

Build up

Começa lindo na teoria esse papo de "o grande problema dos brasileiros é que a pessoa prefere ganhar 5 mil enquanto os outros ganhem mil, do que todo mundo ganhando 10 mil", e é interessante porque dá a ideia de que deviamos cooperar em melhorar pra geral em vez de lutar pra se salvar e deixar os outros se fuderem.
Era a forma que eu tinha olhado a primeira vez, mas agora entendo que muitos veem como uma crítica a "ganhar muito dinheiro" e preferem que todo mundo ganhe igual para não haver diferenças. E isso pra mim é insano.
Preciso ir deixando registrado o que faz sentido para não me perder no mar de informações.
Acho errado forçar salários iguais para resultados diferentes. Ganhar muito dinheiro não é errado. Se você entrega algo pelo qual os outros acham que vale a pena pagar, qual seria o problema?
O que eu vejo como errado, que me fazia gostar da frase citada no começo é a questão de sair aumentando salários, muitas vezes com a desculpa da inflação, sendo que você não está rendendo mais, não está produzindo mais, e muitas vezes já está com um salário que é possível viver confortavelmente. Vamos reajustando pela inflação e achando lindo nossos salários aumentando 5%, 10%, e seguindo nesse jogo onde o nível da água vai aumentando e quem não conseguir o aumento pela inflação que morra afogado.

Nos meus você não toca

Day -2
I was very surprised to hear from you. Well, it's not like we've been that distant, but I miss those old days...
It was fun trying to remember the setlist, trying to play fair and all, and admitting I don't remember everything. I always thought not remembering every detail might mean it didn't mark you, as to diminish the event's importance. Or maybe I just couldn't let go of the impression you all had of me, that I had a super memory. Dunno, it was fun though.

The second setlist came with another surprise, not because of time, but rather due to the things we speak and the distance we feel albeit being close.
I might say it sometime in the future since I don't believe you'd read it here. I still feel guilty for all the things I said while drunk that day, and the jokes I fired unto you. As much as many of them were justified, I guess some space to defend yourself is long due. 
I'm glad we had that October 17th, even though it was years and years ago. Coming to think of it, maybe the reckless joking also came from the fact I couldn't accept the fact our roads doesn't cross so much, in the way it did back on that October.

I try to play along, but it's hard.
I'd rather just rush through challenges instead of pretending I'm unaware something is going on. But I guess that's life..

Still, it was fun doing exercises. I really like it, and for some reason it goess much smoother when you people are around.
Throws me back to the gym days of years before, when we'd work out at the same gym sometimes. I felt envious of how fast you seemed to progress. Never really liked how damn weak I felt.

On to meditating, well, that's complicated. My thoughts race against the clock. And once I focus on something, be it silence or chaos, I am quite upset on coming back. I guess I made some soft of advance though. The arms did get a bit numb.

Day -1
I wonder what the fuck is this all about. Feels a bit ridiculous and beyond the limits to go through such trial.

Well, it might be fun...

But people also don't play along with anything we come up with, so why should we?

I guess, because that gives us a reason to meet them?

I don't know... I'll do it, okay...
It's a funny song, at least.

I really wish one day I can enjoy things without worrying so much, as you do, dude.

I got really worried because I didn't get there on time and I didn't find you. Although I felt like quitting, and that the rewards might not justify it all, I didn't like the idea of not acing a challenge.
This challenge was a bit more extreme due to the previous day, but it felt good knowing I can still play Pump alright. But the time chatting at the mall was the best part.
Don't worry about me being childish, I know I ain't one to fare well with kids, and your focus now is on raising yours. I believe you are doing very well at it.

Day 0
I was wondering, what if all this means we're getting something big? Like a videogame at the end. A Switch, you know?

I'd warn you against such expectatives. They might blind you from enjoying what you're truly given.

I know I shouldn't but... WHAT IF... all the challenges, the disconnected messages?

Quit it.

Alright, alright... let's just head to her house...

I wonder how can people relax with origami. I get real nervous while at it, the imperfections drive me mad. Folds upon folds, not reaching upon the distances they should, asymmetry... 
You seem so much more calm, concentrated. Mature.
Nonetheless, it was fun. Particularly seeing the results and working together on the sushis.

Ah, playing the game.
I've been listening to the soundtrack for months.
But being challenged by a game, I had partly forgotten that feeling.
All the blasts from the past that came unto me.
I couldn't control the thought of finally beating event 51 with Marth while speaking with friends back on that day. It's been way over a decade since that day, but it was hella' fun, and I didn't fully notice what had just happened for I've been playing on auto while chatting. No hit-and-run, nor any other easy measures, that was fun.
Maybe fun ain't the word for that moment, but rather, liberating.

I wasn't ready for the trivia.
I really wish I had gotten all that by memory, guess my memory ain't that good anymore...
Can't really put it in words how much I appreciated going to Japan with you. Not that other travels weren't fun, but that country always had something. Or maybe I had something. Never quite got it, the strange sensation that befalls everytime I think about those small apartments we see on shows, the streets,...
Maybe one day I'll have enough money to take everyone there. That's one of the thoughts that keep these wheels moving. It is quite stupid I guess but, better to keep moving.

I can't quite tell how many times I had to hold the tears.

Man, I really really didn't want to leave that place. It's been so long since we last got everyone together. Well, we might not have everyone here, right now. But we have almost everyone and that counts the same for me. I know we are adults now, I hate that, but I guess I accept it.
But this day, this very day. It is special, in a way I can't really seem to describe.
I guess I could cry.
But you know I can't do it in front of you, even if it means taking the focus somewhere else or making stupid jokes. I don't feel very comfortable with it. Have a hard time understanding that sometimes we cry out of sheer happiness, and I ain't allowing this moment to have a bare glimpse of sadness. If I gotta be the relentless jester, so be it.

It really felt like it was worth it.

Day 1
So. The day came. I can't recall when did I start to dread my birthday, I just do it for the last bunch of years.
Perhaps, expectatives?
I expected parties that would blow up our heads, crazy moments that would accompany us for a lifetime,... I don't even know, deep down I expected something like the stuff you see in movies I guess.
It felt a bit harder to play along, got a bit tired due to bad sleep, and I still had the feeling of being so happy the night before. I wanted it back.

Can't deny it was surprising to see the triforce, however.

Hence forth came the gift.
I was a bit sad because I knew I'd feel betrayed by my expectations upon receiving it.

Fortunately, something happened.

I had to hold the tears yet again upon checking all the parts. The sheer effort put into all of it moved something in me. What exactly is a bit beyond my knowledge.
But there was that feeling of accomplishing something. The one that lacked every single time I tried moving people somewhere else, uniting under a common objective, surprising them...
Maybe, it was all worth it?

Day 2
You know what really gets to me? The fact that no matter what we do, we are never up to your standards. Don't you think these thresholds are too far from reach? If we dedicate ourselves to our friends, you're upset due to our lack of efforts into work. If we work, you worry about losing touch with your friends.
And you're confused. Because you don't know if keeping touch is really that important or is that yet another thing people say you should feel. And I know you're tired of trying to fit in, trying to do what they say people should do.
But these last days might have proven a point amidst that mess.

I just really wish I was worthy of it.
If I could just make all I felt I should.

Day 3
I wonder if we should post it.

Are you afraid of the consequences?

Well yeah, it seems... something between pedantic and... I don't know the exact word for being a showoff in social media, boasting that perfect life others should be envious of.

If you focus on the unreal daily life that can be seen there, then yeah. But there's a lot of regulars that post good vibe stuff seldomly, as life is. Moreover, shared moments multiply when they are good. It can bring a smile to one's face. As sad moments are fractioned once shared, for there's yet another heart enduring it.

Still feels weird sharing it, whom shall we be sharing with, if the ones that might feel a thing are already aware of what happened?

You?

I already know the events.

For sure you do know. Now. But what about next year? 5 years ahead? Heck, what about a few months from now, in case you are faced with harsh difficulties that may arise? We tend to forget good things on the past when struggling against the present, you know that quite well.
Reassurance is gold.

So why not share it with myself by keeping things?

Oh, come on.
Imagine those would be some happy bits.
I know, it's fiction. But it's better to use technology to keep good things for later than the opposite.
You know that. You've known that for quite a long time.



I decided to put it unto words following some sort of order. I couldn't write the beautiful text you all deserved, ain't got the right words for that.
To wrap it up, I guess it just has to be said that I'm still here albeit all the shortcomings.
Not sure why, well, actually I know but it's weird to say I appreciate that our paths crossed. And I'll make sure to intervene whenever it feels right, as long as you let me.
There's a thought that I've had some years ago, during one of the long-lasting debates I have when I'm too quiet. It's one of those rare moments in which I find a phrase that feels powerful enough for me in portuguese.