Light and Darkness, part 1

It seems like once again I can't sleep. These stupid thoughts can't get out of my head, I don't like them. I want my calm cold world back. I want it back.
I must not fear because fear is the destroyer of minds. It is right? I see this figure in front of me, it says it is, it tries to guide me. But I don't know if I can trust in what I created. What is it that calls me when I'm most fragile?
I give a thousand names to all these characters but in the end it's all between me and myself. I don't want to try again. Because I'm a coward, I guess that is why. It won't be long before all structures crumble down. I can't hold it and neither can you, at least while I'm around. So it's better to never create it.
This ain't the real thing yet, I just felt like throwing these things away before starting. The only way to face fear is to admit it.
Why does my head shows me these things? I can see how everything seems to end and it's always a bleak ending. Existance seems meaningless to the point I feel like risking it all in order to give an end to it. I want it to go away, and then we won't have to rehash it over and over.
I was told once that becoming what fears them is the key to never fearing anything anymore. And I gave my best efforts into it, though I failed, but I need you to see this in order to understand what may come next, some things should have never seen the light of day.
I can't deceive the light that comes to shine in a land where the silent night has taken over, even though I fear what it can do, even though I shall respond to fear with a towering hammer that aims to annihilate all that tries to change the way things are. I fear but at the same time I'm interested, I'm curious about it, I need to see what is this light, why does it shine so beautifully, why isn't it afraid of all the terrors that wander in these lands.
Then I end doing nothing but admiring it, I'm not coming close to it, I won't taint it. And at the same time I think it would be better for it to go away, I wish it stays. Because being in here makes it even more bright, and it gives hope to all these beings that hate being blind by it's shine.
Those who already managed to look at it without frowning or hurting their eyes now wait for something miraculous to happen. But it won't, and the powers that be will do everything to protect their minions. Perhaps it was better to remain in darkness.
Perhaps...

Embrace

So, here we are again.
Yep, we really are.
I'm not sure if I want to delve into darkness again...
You can't choose, if you don't do it, you will stay here forever, wanna stay here forever?
No.
Then you'll have to face it.
But I'm afraid.
We all are, no matter what we say.
I just wish these glances of hope came more often...
Well if they did you won't give them as much importance as you give.
Why the fuck do I feel so lonely?
Perhaps because inside you decided to be lonely.
That's not true.
I didn't say it was.


Hey man.
What?
It's raining.
Wow, REALLY?!

Need

I'm again at the rain. Though not physically. I've refused to make further progress, that's a fact. I still remember the music that playied at that girl's place. It was so calm, now and then it tries to pave it's way inside my mind. Now it competes with the sound of the rain falling, but I'm happy with this.
Another cycle ending. This one... well it doesn't really matter does it? Maybe it's not so good to wonder about the day that has ended, we should just go ahead. But I have to admit I don't want to go ahead. For now all I want is someone to talk to during this rain. Preferably under the rain, gotta work on that, we have to find a place where it's safe to talk under the rain. It's good, it's calm.
Every human has it's ways into being self-sufficient right? I need to find a way into creating calmness for myself. Or maybe I don't have to, that would be just another worry I'd be throwing at myself.
A tree branch has just fallen, nearby, I believe. It's an interesting sound. Looks so noisy yet so silent at the middle of the night. I need to do something.
Family is back at home, the first moments weren't much what one would expect, I really felt like I was better before. But if there is people I need to learn to deal with, these are at the top of the list. I just feel like I'm not like them, because, well, I don't really see this urge to interact, I prefer to stay at my place, we just do the common things and that's about it. But lately I've been getting really upset at them for ridiculous reasons. Well, it's mainly one reason, I don't like to be bothered when I'm thinking in my own little world. And recently, I've been inside it a lot. I don't know, I don't miss them most of the times they are away, and they say they miss me, I wonder, how? How do they do that? I really need to worry less about things, so I'm not going to say I need to learn how to miss them, perhaps this is just my nature, being okay in being most of the time by myself. That doesn't make me a bad person right? Okay, that was just a random question, I'm not gonna start worrying about it.
But it really seems like I've came with some kind of defect. It really does. Or perhaps that's an advantage. Who knows.
Maybe I should just talk about what I think, show 'em who I really am. It's funny because most of the times I think about doing this I have these images in my head. Not very positive images, I must say. ''Hey guys, this is me, I don't really miss you and such, and sometimes I feel like I'm better alone, but hey, you're cool''. But the mere thought of not saying these things because that would somehow hurt them is already a sign that I'm not a cold wall toward them. So, yeah, it could be worse.
I could sleep in here, if that was possible. Well, it is possible, but that would be truly not good.
I wish it was easier to get the car and just go around, enjoy this fine rainy night we are having. That would be awesome.
Thinking about it, it's somewhat of a contradiction, all of a this. I don't like people, still I feel like needing them. Well, somewhat like that, I'm not really caring about the full meaning of what's being written, perhaps it's the time. Or perhaps I'm just tired for some reason. What do I really want...
I would like a milkshake now. I feel like my body is getting used to this discomfort, amazing isn't it? So now I'm torn upon two main wishes. And going for one slays the other. Guess I'll take the easier path and watch both die. Is there any one awake right now thinking about these things? I know it possible, we have so much people right. But I feel like it's impossible, who cares.
I didn't want to sleep, but it seems like the only way out.

All for one

I wish I could teach you something, like, I don't know, something I knew that you didn't knew that could change your life. Even though it wasn't one hell of a change. But I guess I'm not the one for the job. I'm just a passer-by, watching dreams unfold and the clash between life and death.
I've had many names so far, and perhaps that shows my evading behavior, or maybe it just means that I found all those names nice and fitting. I guess it's both. I've never found a name that perfectly suited me, a way to call me for the eternity. I've passed through many places, receiving the name I deserved for my acting on each respective place. If I'm proud of all these names? Well, yes, each name is an achievement, be it good or bad. I was something.
It's a warped story, and the end isn't drawing near, but sometimes we have to get some rest, take a nap or just sit somewhere we feel it's safe, somewhere we feel it's our place for calmness.
I've seen happiness and sadness walk together, sadness always taking the stage more, but happiness did it's job outstandingly well the few times it got to act. I was there as mysteries unveiled and strange things became normal.
I am the child sitting in a stair with a chocolate box in it's lap.
I am the ravaging outlaw that beheads guards at the city's main bridge.
I am the murderer of the psychopath that hunt us down.
I am the one who runs away from disaster in a world with gray skies and roller coasters.
I am the gray demon that ceases life in a small town.
I am the successor of the man in fine clothes at the dark room with red lights and a black book.
I am the one who fights the red paper dude bringing terror to school.
I am the one who saves his loved one from the fat evil man.
I am the one who uses his recently discovered ice magic to save his family.
I am the one who gets shot and laughs.
I am the young one craving for adventure.
I am one of the survivors in a post-apocalyptic world.
And all these show that I'm just a dreamer walking through this world, nothing more than that.

Early morning

Already awake?
Yeah... I woke up earlier today, like... 1 hour and 14 minutes ago...
Terrorized by thoughts induced yesterday?
Not really, I guess. Perhaps it was just the heat, or thirst, or worried about losing the time for doing what they asked to do before 8 a.m.
You took like, 2 minutes to do that.
Yep...
You could have slept again, you have slept less than 5 hours this night, and last night you already slept badly.
Ah, it wasn't bad. And I feel quite okay now.
Whatever you wish...


So, what's the plan for this morning?
I can think of none...
So, you're just going to stay awake for the sake of it?
That's what we and most people do, most of the time, isn't it?
Well... yes.... but...
So, we'll be doing it until something else comes crashing out of thin air.
Alright.


So, it's been 5 minutes already, nothing crashed?
Absolutely nothing. But I can see that maybe the sun is trying to show up, fucking bastard.
Aside from that, it's a pretty morning, cloudy, and a nice breeze, though far from the dreamy cold morning.
We'll get to that, just wait and see.
I'm sure we will, but while it's just a distant vision, wanna play a game?
What kind of game?
Something simple, we will only need to talk. Let's say, I ask you a question, you answer and then ask me another.
Wow, you really thought about it before coming with this idea?
Well, it's better than listening to our hair grow. More over, we can add a bonus to it.
Bonus? Will we, compete for a prize or something like that?
No, but once one of us answers a lie, there will be consequences.
What...?! How can one know if the other lied?
Glad you asked, I recently bought this machine here, and it's lie-proof. Every lie you tell it will make a beep, then give you one hell of a shock, then burn your hands.
Do I get to choose whether I want to play or not?
Glad you also asked that, unless you come up with something better to do, no.
Great.


So, what's the scientific name for the norwegian forest cat?
What?! OUCH!
See? Lie-proof.
This hurts like hell, and what the heck was that question?
Well, a simple question.
Who in the early moments of their calm morning will come up with answers to crap like that?
You should come up. It's safer.
That's just plain stupid, we can keep on asking each other questions beyond reality the whole morning just for the sake of killing each other.
Not if you had answered it right.
That's ridiculous, I'm not playing this if we are going just for stupid questions.
Alright, alright. So what are we supposed to ask?
Things we don't know but perhaps the other knows.
Like, why are you getting so upset at everything lately?
...
Come on, answer it, and be cautious.
I don't know, perhaps it's because in my head things are disintegrating as time goes by.
What kind of things?
Relationships, future, these things.
Further explanation?
...
What are you doing? You're supposed to answer speaking, not writing. ''What... am I... supposed... to ans... wer?'', ah well. Well... answer what do you mean by relationships disintegrating.
It's just that the people seem to be getting far and far now, internal struggles, ominous desires, lack of trust, that kind of shit.
I don't think you're allowed to say that so early in the day.
I've already said. My turn. What time is it right now?
Hm... 9:30 a.m.? AW! That's not fair, we had agreed in...
I just had to have it back at you, nothing personal. So, say something you hate about people?
Hm... I hate the way people talk about their ideas as if they were universal truths. This way they speak as if they actually owned some part of reality.
A thing you like about people?
They die.
The thing you've most been thinking of?
...About her. Okay, fuck this stupid game, I don't know why I came up with this stupid idea.
Ah, I was just getting started!
It's a silly game, let's watch the sun fighting it's way out of the clouds.
Okay, but you have to admit I defeated you in your own game.
This wasn't a competitive game.
That's what sore losers say.
Just go get us some cereal.
Not until you admiiiit.
So, we won't eat today.
Looks good to me.

Another cycle over

I'm not in the mood for trying to write another ficticious beginning, nor some happy story. That sucks, I guess. But, we all have our sucker days.
To be honest, the day wasn't bad. In fact, it was kinda cool at some points. Started like chaos, true that. We had some trouble here and there, lamps broken, noise and blasts, but then calmness came. Perhaps we had to destroy and go impulsive rage in order to get the good solution, perhaps. Got some wacky rain like no tomorrow, pretty good. I know it's dangerous as hell but I can't lie, I like it. Through the water traps in the road and the weirdness of the car's movements, I was smiling. That smile that is hard to control, I guess that's the one that comes from the inside, from what you really are. I guess that's not a good thing but... oh well.
Saw some people during the solution, kinda funny and all. Then problem solved, which was a good thing, now all we have to do is wait and see what they can do for us. Then lunch. THE lunch time, I know, it was late and all, I had food here, all I had to do was put it in a microwave oven and then, eat it. But, I preferred to go out. Well, at my side I have the fact that I didn't even remotely remember there was food at home, but there was no damage done anyway.
The food was good, there was this nice wind and some rain at the end of it. Some thoughts, probably movie induced. Maybe someday I invite a stranger someone to lunch with me, who knows what can happen right? Perhaps I find a very interesting person behind all that... let's say, poor desguise.
Then sweet lone castle. It was good, appointment made, all I have to do is wait a few weeks and then we'll solve another trouble.
Strange night came in, very strange I must say. At the end we managed to get the guys together, though it seems pretty weird now, I guess everyone has to take their way, that's life. It's strange to take a ''who cares'' position toward these things. But it wasn't all bad, there was milkshake and some talk. Anger inducing talk indeed, but, it's okay. I can live with it. If there was something we could do, someone would have already done it already, right? Still I believe that violence sometimes is useful, but that's okay.
Then we got some people in here leaving talks, that was good, I understand my motivations for leaving it open for conversations was bad, we'll get this fixed. The results were somewhat good, nonetheless.
So, another cycle is over. What have we gotten from this one? I believe that not very much, though it was fun in parts. You can't always win right? And you absolutely can't force yourself to win, this one is pretty weird but... well, who cares.
I now look at the lamp while listening to this sad song, well, perhaps your sacrifice was for the better, that's all we can say at this moment. It's weird to see that you can't discharge rage without destroying things. I believe there has to be somewhere you can destroy without harming anything. Well, it's possible...
Perhaps these last cycles won't be as powerful as we had planned it to be... we'll see. Tomorrow is a promising day, anyway.
I can't stop thinking about a few things, but that's okay since these things have been around for quite a long time and they don't seem to be leaving any soon. Too much worry? Guess so.
Perhaps the quest gets morphed into a quest for self-assurance. Gotta be ready for the worst.
I see myself wishing for stupid things, I don't like that. But it's not under my control yet, that positively sucks.
Perhaps being alone is the less harmful way, perhaps. It doesn't matter what they say, they know nothing right? Being alone is easier and also less harmful to both parts.
Walking through the night...

Outside the castle

I can see that you're doing your best to hold your demons, my friend. But that's not enough.
I know.
We've come to a very strange point indeed, but we knew that somewhere in this quest we would have to delve into this darkness. It won't be easy, and I'm sure you already knew that. You'll need to do much more than just keeping your inner demons quiet, perhaps you'll have to use them at our advantage.
I see.
You're too quiet now, we can't get in if you're not feeling like it, that would be certain death.
Have you ever came to a point where everything seems lost?
What do you mean?
It's like, this place had a soundtrack. Like the walls or these ivys shared something with us through an imaginary music. It's like the mere existance of this castle makes the world rot, second after second. I don't know if it's just me, perhaps because I'm the one chosen for the quest, but I didn't ask to be the one. But... can't you see this despair?
I sense darkness all around this place, and even more at the heart of this place. The ground zero of all mess.
Good, so I ain't the only one...
But we are still here. So, there can still be salvation.
Yes...


It's also beautiful...
What?
This... loss...
What are you talking about?
You see, there's despair and emptiness echoing around. But this silence is somewhat compelling. There's something in these gray walls, not even vultures or bats fly over these skies. It's like the place agony has chosen to remain.
Then this time you're alone, this morbid vision is something totally devoid of beauty for me.
Even the wind seems to be carrying despair. Whispering words of sadness as we walk to the main gate. Isn't the main gate a very obvious entrance? Aren't we easy targets over there?
Just by being here, we have left the quality of easy targets. Whatever is inside, knows it's preys wouldn't bear being near this place. Somehow, the safest place in these lands is closer to danger.
But I feel like it knows we are here.
I'm sure it does, but it just doesn't know how to react to our presence, no one ever came this close.
I can hear a million tormented souls asking us to go away...
We have past the walls, we walked to this gate, do you really feel like turning back now?
I feel nothing. There's something with this place that haunts and amazes me. How can a place so forgotten still remain strong? Shouldn't these gray stone walls be down after all these years?
I don't know why. But we must go inside.
Farewell, despair.