Walking around town

And this is a sunny day.
Been walking for a while, people just walk around sometimes, without any destiny. Feels fantastic.
There's this child walking around singing "How hell's supposed to be". And it feels just fine.
I look at Billy here, and I can't get afraid. But I wish I could. Why does it feel so fine to be afraid? You know, this sensation, you want to scream until things get so awry they become true. Lately gore has been dominating everything, but as gore increases, the fear diminishes. I almost forgot how fear was. But it is so damn important, how could people forget it?
I don't know, I see Billy here, and there's this... dread sensation of it moving. Toys moving, just like the old times. Good old times.
It won't move, as this is reality, and there isn't such things here. I guess it's good but... I wanted the other way. Urban legends and clowns, why can't we have dark forces? Ok, it wouldn't be good. But still I can't deny the feeling of it being interesting.
This dreadful smile at Billy's face proves it.
Doesn't it?

The train

What a funny night huh?
Just because I'm not very well doesn't mean you are right.
C'mon, just give it a try, things will get insanely better. You aren't very strong now, I could easily force you to it, but I'm just asking. Of course, in case of a no then I will use other means.
I don't know, it just doesn't seem like doing that things will be better.
Just look at what the fuck you became.
Maybe it's not so bad.
Look at yourself damn it.
It's just some bad times, things will get better soon, all we need to do is endure.
Endure? Are you fucking retarded? You see this child crying at the stairs and this train out of control annihilating everything in his way. Why do you choose the child? I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT. WHY CAN'T WE BE BETTER?
Because I know that the train is not the best option.
YOU NEVER CHOSE IT. You never experienced not feeling anything. We can smash them all. We can be at the control of chaos.
We can't. There was a time when I felt tempted to choosing the other side. But anyway, no matter how much hatred we carry inside, we weren't made for choosing the train. It simply isn't us.
We can learn to be the other way, it's just a matter of getting used to. You always said that people get used to anything. It's a better option. Ok, you don't want to choose because of her. We quit it when, and if, things get resolved. It's simple. It's so much better to be at the side that wins.
Do they win?
THEY HAVE EVER WON. STOP FREAKING BELIEVING THIS HAPPY BULLSHIT.
I just don't want to do something I will regret later.
So take the risks. This night we become what the world wanted us to be. We will grow stronger, and we can be evil. You want it. You know you do.
...
We have control over it. You'll see how better we will get. We'll win.
I just wish that you could take that sick smile out of your face.
Finally stop this crap of doing good things. Remember, we give people what they truly want.

Farewell

August 5, 2008.
I want to write something so beautiful it could make justice to you. I can't. I will fail just as I failed many times. You won't be here anymore. I won't see your smile by the mornings. Nor any other time of the day. I'll never see you sleeping anymore. Nor eating those shrimps you liked. I'll miss you swimming. And the way you kept the body inside the shell when afraid of something. It took some time so I could really touch you. But I'm happy you left the shell and trusted me. Even though turtles do not speak, I don't care. Pets can be better friends than humans. They surely can. And you were. I know I wasn't the example of a friend. I'm sorry. Hope you can accept apologies. I don't know. I just wanted to write something. Because I won't see the look on your face anymore. And this brings tears. I don't care what others may say. This is for you, not for them.
All I can do know is be a better person. That is not fair. But I can take it. I tried not to believe the truth. It seemed better, I could even not think about it. And keep my day going. But it's not fair to you. I don't know what would you have prefered, but I felt like the water would be better. Forgive me if I chose wrong. I know I won't have any answer for as this is definitive but, I feel like talking to you now.
I can't bring you back and I know it. I just hope you are somewhere good. I don't believe in heaven. But there could be one for you, you deserve. There has to be somewhere better for you. Wish I could give you that.
I'll never see you jumping into water anymore. That hurts like hell.
I don't know how big this will get but it's matterless. The reason is your memory. You made this man very happy with your life. And I won't get down now. Your life wasn't in vain, and I promise somehow I'll prove it. Guess I'm not so tough after all. Sorry if I couldn't show emotions very well. I'm sad that you found the worst friend of all. But you really meant a lot for him.
I wish I could listen to some happy song now. But I can't, but that's not your fault. I want you to be well. They say the sad songs are oftenly the most beautiful ones. Perhaps that justify a little.
It's rare to see a tear like this. But I'll stand. And your memory goes with me.
I chose to say farewell as I wish I can still see you again, no matter which life. This sounds childish and dumb but I just don't know what to do. I miss you. And tomorrow morning I'll face an empty space where you used to lie. Please accept these words from this fool. I don't know if I should say that I'm sorry, I don't know to ask for forgiveness, but I can say some words with no doubt. I love you. And we'll miss you. But we take life on with your memory. The memory of your happy face. And the way you swam. And how you got agitated when seeing strangers.
This is in your memory. I'm proud of having you as a friend. All the best for you.

Sometimes truth is one step down

23:55.
What you might read may not make any fucking sense, do not waste your time trying to understand it.
You were warned.
The moon is almost full this night. Not so pretty, or maybe it's just my situation now. If it's my situation, then, no matter which moon, but that's obvious right?
Now, the situation part. I've crafted this... situation. Have I?
There's no problem at reality, the problem is just something at your head. The problem is something you created so you can feel there's a thing to do. But if you created it, why you feel so weak when face it?
And you want people to read it because you are posting it. But why do you want it if people might talk about it, and you don't like to cause problems to them.
I feel the urge to write something indeed. I feel the rage. But, whatever i might write, won't modify reality. It won't create the fire, it won't allow you to free your anger, no blood, no gore, no destruction. I'm not like them, I do not kill people. I'm not that sick. At least out of mind borders. But inside, everyone may be. Maybe all sadistic like you. And you're growing to stay just like them.
And I know what you are thinking just now. The battle in your mind between these two ideas. The problem of it which you see in almost everything you like and the idea of pure people. Pure. But when shall they be corrupted? By what you see in your movies, but you deny.
And the keyword is corruption. Isn't. But you won't say which is because of hipocrisy. And, you are corrupted. But they say you aren't. And you can't judge because this isn't corruption. It's human nature. It would happen sooner or later. Maybe becoming a sicko also. Your nature.
Hate to be human if you like, deny it if you wish. You want to scream now, I know it. But you might be just like them, at least until someone says you aren't. Because now you don't know if it's all about the simple instinct, or if there's something else. There has to be.
And you won't talk to her because you know what you want, sucker.
When you sleep you hear voices, bad voices, screaming "Human! Human!". And now I wish I could laugh.
01:40.
No solution huh?
Until it's proven.

5y343 8w h9 o9f3, 8w 85 qoo qg975 w3s?

Red eyes

It's really surprising how fucking retarded can people be. Amusing.
By lies and spying, this fucker tries to destroy our game. The mistake we made at the beginning means nothing now. It's a game, people kill people, usual thing. You, mr. botter, won't be the first nor the last to kill someone, and you simply can't surprise me. From the beginning, you never were a good player. A good player, PLAYS the game, by it's rules. A good player, doesn't need to break the games rules to get strong. A good player does not religious harass other players, nor does he need to "humiliate" them. "Humiliate", because he can't do that with all his yelling and barking, clearly, somebody need to teach him how to use logic arguments. Being a good player isn't simply killing people that are away at the moment. Wow, you kill people that aren't able to fight back, that seems sooooo pro. And also, noob isn't the one who dies. Noob is the sucker who annoys other people and tries to prove his power by harassing others.
But, oh well, you never were a player from the beginning, botter.
And to think that I really got angry as hell with your noob acting, totally not worth it.

Grow up

It's been a long time...
Damn, I can't even type correctly, this surely will take a lot of time.
Well... the first plan was to write about 21 (the movie with the genious kids taking cassinos down), and all the thoughts it gave me... but, it's not time. When will it be the time I don't know. Problem is, I'm not knowing a lot of things. I'm miles away of doing well at the university now. And that's bad. I can't say it's stressing cause I don't know how does it feel when stress hits hard. And I'm pretty sure many out there who say they are stressed are just bitching around. And I can't be mainly because I'm not doing ANYTHING. It's not like the feeling that movie gave me, I'm not doing even what i was supposed to do in a normal behaviour.
It feels like going into sudden rage as soon as someone say a word to you. And, I somehow want very much someone say something. You know it will be bad but you still look for that, because it feels good when you explode. Somehow it feels. But I know I won't do it. Dogs that bark too much don't bite.
I'm not knowing how to fix my relation with my girlfriend. And that's the big point. It's simple, it has to be, but I just can't figure out. I guess she is right. I'm not the same, but still I don't feel I'm any different. I just don't know what the fuck have I became. I have to make her happy, that's the least I should do. But we barely have time to ourselves lately. And even like this I'm getting away from my friends and getting bad grades.
I think too much, that's probably the core of the problem. And this sloth. You feel like all you needed was someone to tell you what to do, because you are too damn stupid to figure it out yourself. I can't keep taking people's time with bullshit, that's fact. I hear them, that's how it works, or at least how it worked back then.
When there is no more problem, we just get out stomping our heads at a wall until we find a problem, that's how it goes.
"I don't need a psychologist.''
"And how do you know that? If you don't even know what you are?"
"I just know."
"You just need someone to talk, or better, someone to hear, because you are too coward to do things on your own, that's the truth, but you know that even like this you won't find an answer, at least not one that suits your case."
"If that was true than I could just go and throw this crap talk into someone."
"And that's what you are already doing."
"I really wish I could be what I was some months ago."
"And why can't you be? You don't even feel that you changed, you're the same shit still. You didn't even talk to your parents the day they were going to travel, even feeling that if something bad happened you woudn't see them again and you wouldn't forgive yourself for not telling them how much you loved them, things are not always the contrary of movies."
"..."
"But still, even knowing you might lose, you keep quiet, you can't show love not even writing a damn letter. People won't hear you after they've gone to heaven, or hell, or I don't know which fucked place do we go if we really go somewhere. You watch'em become shadows. And seems you like it."

Havoc

"Then time is invencible.''
"Yeah, it's the final boss.''
"It can't be the final boss, we defeat bosses, always.''
''True. But then what would it be?''
"The game over, like... when you defeat the final boss in Fable, but if you choose the good side, you keep on playing (and you always choose to end a game with the good side, at least at first try, that's weird) until you... end playing."
"Time is the... end of play?''
''Yes, undefeatable.''
Lame talk. While watching The Bucket List. Yeah, I just don't recommend because... there's no accounting for a taste. A movie to think, perhaps. Well, this is goin' to take a long time, I have no hurry, this has been delayed for a long time. I find Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson fantastic actors, and worked pretty well together. But, this isn't the topic, it's the ''random talk because I can't really organize what I pretend to write''. Well, the movie actually has a lot in common to the real topic, and watching it gave me the courage to begin writing, not that what I lacked was courage, at least I guess. It was more about laziness. I'm one of those people who only appreciate things when they are gone, most of the times, at some rare times I appreciate them while I can have it.
But, even though I thought about it, I won't list'em here, it's out of the topic and it's not the time.
Friendship. That's what this whole crap is about. I like to think about these things, these not material things. Well, it may sound intelligent or spiritualistic, but, that's totally not, in fact, it may be dumb and time wasting. But, I like to think about it. Holy crap... this is being harder than what I expected, I should improve my writing skills. Or maybe my Think-About-Something-Useful skill.
The definition of friendship is, well... undefined. Maybe it is all about trust and happiness, but not exactly happiness, since sad moments do have their shine. It's strange, but think about it, great part of the most beautiful love stories are the sad ones. But it would be quite strange to say friendship is about sadness, as we have this idea that sadness is bad. Well, it's bad, but, in the friendship context, in sadness we can always count with a friend, and that's a good thing, so this goes to the nothing is 100% bad/good (okay, I'm delaying again, but it's a nice topic this one). And, sad moments in movies, when it's raining (I mean that good rain, not a storm devastating the place) or with some gray tonned images, are usually beautiful.
So there I was. There were four people in the room. And there was that weak light, well, it just contributed to the movie-esque feeling of the scene. I don't even know if they felt like that, like that was some cool moment or something like that, since we got out soon, well, maybe not so soon, but because of my resistance to sleepness, I thought I could stay there for longer. My friend was going to travel in a few hours, but it wasn't a real goodbye since he'll come to the city occasionally. But, in my mind it seemed so... movie-esque. I had to write about it. Sounds empty and meaningless probably, but I don't give a shit. It's hard to explain those masterpieceful moments that are in fact, masterpieceful for us only. But in fact, it's good to see that your friend has his friends and all, that his girlfriend is a nice person. Funny the fact that she talked to me much like his parents, so I guess that even though we didn't have much time to talk the last months we are still good friends. Well, I don't believe there are bad friends, since, if they are bad, they are not your friends.
Well, that was pretty much the idea of the thing, the scene of those last moments, the three of us waiting and talking random things while he put the last things in the bag.
I guess it will be hard to play again, but, some things never shall disappear from my mind. Not the best Super Smash Bros battle ever, not those sleepless nights playing, not Tales of Symphonia, not those weird talks at top of the building with those cockroaches.
Yet this seems weak, but, I was never good with words. The importance is what it trully means to you. This seems like a testimonial for a single person, but I would like all my friends to not see it as such (I don't mean I have a lot of them, even though this might have sounded like it), this can be considered as my Memorial Treasure for 'em (do not care about the true meaning of memorial or treasure or both, I just liked the way it sounded, so it will be this way). I might not do such a text for all but this doesn't mean they are less worth it. It's more of laziness, or lack of good words, or fear of not writing something good enough (though that's way relative), or some big wicked mix of all these things.
Consider this as my eye opening moment, for as I never really said things that were really good to these people. Heck, I even find it hard to say beautiful things to my girlfriend.
Sensitive, I guess, but who gives a shit? I wrote it down!