What we love?

I guess it's common to feel uneasy at this time of the year. Many have felt strange about Christmas in the past, and many will fell like that in the future. I'm having a hard time trying to understand what feels so strange this time around. It is almost like, there isn't Christmas...
It's funny because it is a man-made thing. But it is a man-made thing that becomes slowly part of us who take part in it. Funny to think that there are people that do not celebrate it. You get to question yourself, is it really importante to celebrate it? Probably not from the logical point of view. Who knows...
Perhaps it feels good to participate because deep down we just want to believe that during these days things are really going to get better and calm, and that somehow people love each other, or least tolerate themselves (which they should do during their entire lives, but...). Perhaps it is all about believing. Well, not just believing, since you have to take part. You have to act. There is no Christmas if there is no one there to say "Merry Christmas!", however they get to say it. Generally, if they are saying it with a belief that there is indeed something merry, it works. Unless you are truly closed.
I don't understand. What is wrong? What is lacking? The tree is there. All the decoration is present. The malls are decorated, there are houses with decorations. Yet everything feels rushed and ''Un-Christmas". I get to think about the cliché points that brought up in these times. Is it because people are just running around buying whatever gifts they can? And everything is so damn over-priced that they can't buy what they really wanted? Is it because they are just running like fools after money? Are they forgetting that it's not about the gifts alone, you have to also take part in it? Or am I the problem?
Maybe.
The problem is that there is no exact answer, and that is... unnerving. Really unsettling. Was my money craze strong enough to make me this adrift? Have I really worked beyond what I should (and yet I'm running out of money soon...)? But I still like there were good things in this year. I don't understand. I don't feel like I destroyed things like that. Indeed I got worried about money much more than anytime before, but... there were good moments!
There was the whole trip to Japan, you can't take dreams away like that. There was the game trophy. There was the beginning of the relationship on January. There was the graduation.
It didn't pass as a blank year. Yet it feels weird. Because I'm not very happy with my actual job (which is coming to na end so it's okay). But...
I got real tired this year. It was a battle in the dark against... against what? I wanted money to be able to travel with my girlfriend. I really wanted to take her abroad and have a nice time. I wanted money to be able not to worry that much about money in the future. I wanted to be productive so I would feel better. Yet I got a shitload of work to do that did not succeed on reaching the finish line. I failed people.
Have I failed myself?
I don't know. I'm still trying, that's the new game this new year right? Focus on our projects, and then even if I fail, I can go to the backup plans. And it's never over, we can still slowly work through the free hours we get.
I still feel this dreaded cold.
Maybe I can't be the success I want to be, and also the man I wanted to be for her, and also the friend I wanted them to have... but what comes after I decide to admit that? Do I lose?
Maybe I just need some time to relax.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking for a while before the New Game + starts.
I hate maybe's.
Yet I loved the first time I heard she saying "tanjoubi" for the first time. She will probably never understand what was the magic of it. And I probably will never be able to explain the absolutely cute moment it became, her face, her voice, her pose.
I loved winning that trophy. For it was the first victory of the chain of dreams. And maybe someday, it grows as strong as the dreaded chain.
I loved the moments she showed up without further notice. Even if it didn't turn out well because I couldn't see her.
I loved Japan. It was the most insanely cool travel I've done. Someday I'll get back there.
I am lost.
And I am afraid Christmas might not come for me this year.
When I should actually be afraid I did not come for Christmas this year.
And I'm almost sure now the answer lies within them. Perhaps I need these people around.
Perhaps I need a hug and a bit of silence, the one that makes us rest our heads somewhere and stop trying to prepare for whatever hells that might come.
Perhaps stopping is Christmas.
And if you've come thus far, I wish you a merry one. Even if I ain't not even close on the road for it. But you might be.


After all, all it takes is one who believes.

About relationships

It's undeniable that sometimes we get a bit frailer.
Though some would say that's no weakness, that's an opportunity to know where could our strength lie.
Can't really agree with them, but it doesn't seem to be something that bad sometimes. The big deal with all these troubles is that they are not a case of defined elements.
I thought about writing the things I thought while watching the landscape as the car glided through the road. But it seems a bit dull right now. It seems to have no point.
I just wanted to know what goes through people's heads when they set for something between boyfriend and girlfriend. In my head it feels like it should be something serious, something that demands commitment. It shouldn't be an act of sheer hipocrisy.
And this was a post that came in my head many weeks ago, I don't really remember all of the motivation. It just bugs me sometimes to see some couples out there. Why are people really trying to be together if they don't really like each other?
I know some of the reasons why. I can understand a bit of it. But is just looks... sad.
Within these days, some of the stories that play in my head grew up. Not to their final forms, not even close to that. But I keep on thinking about them.
There were three of them.
I guess now they are two, since the third one somehow disappeared. As stories come and go...
The first one, would be the big big one, between good and evil, two extremes from each side melted down to our human limitations. Both like each other, both try to be close to each other, both try to have a reason for each other. But that ends up separating them. Until the final encounter (which is what actually plays in my head), when they meet over the buildings and truth comes out. I guess I should say I'm sorry for being so abstract over here... but I really wanted to write it someday so, let's keep it like that.
The second one is a much more simple one yet bigger. It's about a heavenly creature that abandons its life to be with one among us. It's not innovative by any means indeed, but I like the way the dialogues run when you get to face that you no longer have the power to protect those you love.
I wonder what was the third.
I wonder why these things keep floating around in my head. I really have to man up and get back to writing...

Hells go down

I don't know where to start this post, and probably the title has nothing to do with all of it. But as long as I write it, and being me the one who chose the title, I guess it is alright.
Let's say this is a expression that got into my head when I was reading about bad news of bad times. Not that they affect me directly, although pretty much everything affects us, in mysterious ways if you ask me.
This won't be the post yet about the Japan experience. Perhaps a little rant about the aftermath. I miss that place, I miss some of the people (can't say I miss the people, there's some weird shit down there).
Things look a bit awry in this comeback. Maybe it's just me sad that I'm back. Well, not that I'm back, but a bit sad because I miss being there. I guess it's not just missing being a tourist, because this time it looks worse. I guess I really liked it there.
But eventually things will set up. Maybe if I focus a bit more on the people by my side right now the whole process gets a bit quicker. That brings us back to the awry part. I feel people are feeling a bit bad. The situations in which they are involved look bad I guess. That's it.
Also, I'm again lacking time to do everything.
Damn.
But eventually, things get better. Can't complain.

And hell goes down.

That song that played during the beginning

And so, we can sleep.
It's funny that the idea of sleeping early brings me so much agony. It's like, I feel the urge to do something. It looks there is just so much I have to do before sleeping. But I have to sleep...
The last days had so much going on. The chain of dreams was finally put to the test, and it survived.
But I guess I have to sleep.

Shores

It's interesting to notice how things affect you. At a moment, you are scared, nervous. The next moment, devastated. Happens quite oftenly, I guess. And you wonder, why?
Why does it bring thoughts that seem so stupid, and yet so ominous when you let logic go. Being conscious is quite painful, for it is neither the savior of thought, nor its final damnation. It is simply, an engine of doubt creation. For when you are in a peaceful state, conscience brings you back to what is going on, and you remember you are only human. And when there's frailty, it makes you realize how stupid you are. For how stupid it is to think what you are thinking.
Ain't that awesome?
It's remarkably sad that I have nothing to write here right now, other than strange thoughts regarding... thoughts. All the stories that live inside, they fade away when things go off the script. It gets hard to get them back. But maybe time gets us back there, to the point where we should be, and the trains get back on their rails.
Other than that, I've been working as hard as I can to create things. To have a chance of looking back and thinking ''Wow, I've done something". Who knows right? Maybe we get to achieve something, somehow. I just hope the price ain't too high after all. Still got the stories of relationships to write... still got many things to write... damn.


If all it took to bring you down was a well aimed blow, what makes you think a new chain can save you?

Torcida

É complicado ver todas essas notícias das manifestações surgindo de todos os lados. Complicado pois, por um lado, dá aquela pontada de esperança que talvez dessa vez mude, talvez não seja só mais um fogo de palha como aquele tanto de passeatas que vimos no decorrer de 2013. Por outro lado, as informações se confundem, não sabemos quem diz a verdade, talvez porque não exista uma verdade absoluta. Não sabemos se começou realmente só pelos 20 centavos, não sabemos se tem alguém por trás, usando todos como massa de manobra.
Não sabemos nem como chegar aonde queremos chegar. Até porque o "nós" se divide em seus desejos. Creio que seja próximo a unanimidade, o desejo por um país melhor, entre os manifestantes e simpatizantes da manifestação. Um país em que o dinheiro investido na educação, na saúde, e em tantas outras áreas, realmente chegue aonde foi destinado. Não precisa ser 10% do PIB, mas que não seja roubado em sua trajetória. Sem licitações absurdas e envolvidos de índole duvidosa. Pra não dizer criminosos.
É complicado.
Fui na manifestação de Sábado, em Brasília. Não para manifestar, andar com cartazes e fazer minha voz ser ouvida. Fui pra ver como era essa tal manifestação. Queria entender, formar alguma opinião a respeito. Mas cheguei tarde, creio eu. Não tínhamos mais tantos envolvidos, talvez porque a ação da polícia dispersou muitos, vai saber. Cheguei a ver alguns tiros, um pouco de ação, gritos, e manifestantes ainda resistentes na causa. E é bom deixar claro que o alvo não é a polícia. Eles estão fazendo o trabalho deles, são humanos. É claro que entre eles vai haver gente que está ali pra ver sangue, assim como vai haver gente assim entre os manifestantes. Mas não podemos deixar isso nos cegar, nos parar. Dizer que não vai à manifestação pois vai haver gente que só quer baderna, pra mim, é como dizer que não vai mais participar do trânsito urbano pois existem motoristas irresponsáveis, talvez até homicidas.
E não consegui formar minha opinião no sábado.
Mas a partir daí os movimentos foram crescendo, ontem 17/06/2013, tivemos manifestações impressionantes em várias cidades do país. Dá pra acreditar que dessa vez não é fogo de palha. Mas vemos uma quantidade sem fim de "razões para a manifestação". E isso é um problema, porque a maioria das mudanças não é feita da noite para o dia, imagine todas elas juntas então.
Temos de eleger as prioridades, e não, não acredito que tirar a Dilma seja a prioridade agora. Opinião minha. O importante é garantir que o nosso dinheiro seja gasto em função do país, e não para algumas pessoas terem regalias (que poderiam pagar com o próprio salário, diga-se de passagem).
Dá ódio ver algumas das notícias, da farra do dinheiro público. Mas creio que se deixar levar por isso não trará benefício ao movimento, talvez apenas ajude a extinguir sua chama. Alguns de nós (não são todos, mas me incluo) adoraria ver uma punição para certos corruptos, pena de morte e tudo o mais. Mas continua sendo perigoso dar o poder de decidir quem morre quem vive. Dar todo esse poder a alguém, um grupo que seja, não vai resolver.
É difícil.
Os motivos para as manifestações não faltam, e não sei se é válido pegar a causa de alguém e transformar em sua própria causa, apesar de (caso haja sucesso) ser um caminho para um país melhor.
Realmente não sei, tenho medo de ser um simples peão nisso tudo. A mídia mostra a informação importante pra cada lado, parece que ninguém está realmente imparcial em mostrar os dados. Mas talvez seja melhor simplesmente ir, ir e manifestar, ir e ver, fazer volume e ficar de olho no rumo que está sendo tomado. Se der merda, é sair, e ter a certeza de que tentamos fazer algo melhor pelo Brasil. Pode ser que isso tudo leve outros a tomarem o poder, e esses outros podem se apenas mais defensores de interesses próprios. Só resta esperar que para cada vez que isso aconteça, o povo se manifeste e vá lá dar o exemplo.
Vamos continuar cumprindo com nossos deveres, trabalhando, estudando. E no tempo livre, lutemos.

Monster

There is a fine line between what you know, and what you are. For safety purposes, this line must be always kept clear. One must not cross to the other side, no matter what. That's a sad fact for one can cross. And one wants to cross.
Knowing who you are is a mischievous deal. But actually, how can you know that you know who you are?
Have you ever been taken by envy? Ever thought that even if you tried to achieve something for all your life, you would still fail, for you were already born without the necessary skills. I don't even know if envy is the right aspect, when despair ensues feelings get confused.
Can it be called envy if you don't want to take people down because they are what you wanted? You just wish you didn't exist. The conscience of being conscious is already too much to bear. Why can't we be who we wanted to be? Or, perhaps we didn't want to be what we are sad for not being?
But then why does it bring you to the ground?
Can't coexist.
What's the problem? Why are these claws still deep beneath the flesh? I don't know the answers. I don't know what has to be done, I can't try to impress people. It's stupid and that's not me. I don't have what it takes for I don't have the attitude.
And there's only one defense. Even though I don't who exactly is attacking. Maybe it's them, maybe it's me.


But I can help you, child. Together we can be strong. We can survive to this world. This is their world, not ours, we are not welcome in here. But we can...

Kill them all...