Holding hands in hell

Aye, captain.
Mr. smith...
Mon colonel...
Blister...
We're all here sir...


I wrote many times about this one feeling.
Mostly, it turned out to be nothing. At the bitter end, words mean nothing without actions.
The bitter end.
Through all these years of words at the wind, I've received your support. Even when all was set to failure, you've still stood there for me. And I know, I failed far too many times. And I know, I've taken the easiest path too much. It's easier to accept failure when all you do is think about failing. It's easy to get used to failing. Mostly, you have to do nothing.
I know some of you are already tired of these words, I've got to say I am. That small part of me that always had the hope now is fading, many times threatened and tortured.
But it is still there. It may be too late indeed. But it's there.
But, even after many disappointments, even after some leaving, even after every single odd stacking against us, we are still here.
I can't even ask you to stay anymore, I'd rather tell you all to leave, but this is not an option now. To tell the truth, I still don't know how to deal with what lies ahead. Obliteration might be awaiting us all. We can just imagine what lies beyond, we can feel the rotten desire for flesh that exhales ahead.
At the bitter end.
But this time. This time, my old friends, we can think of the possibility of a sweet ending. Even with the demon of failure walking toward us, I beg you remember, remember that we once were in a different place, remember, that this is not where we belong, and it doesn't matter what comes next, we can make it happen. We always could.
My only remorse now is that I have brought you into this, I have never believed myself enough to praise something more than plain failure. Even with each and every one of you trying to prove me wrong.
I'm afraid. It's true, I don't know about you, my fellow soldiers, you were always proving to be braver than me in so many levels. But I still wish to try. Even now that the scars and the dust embraced your bodies, even after witnessing insanity at it's best, I believe I'm still at the side of some of the most incredible warriors this world has ever had. And I'm proud of, at least once, being the leader you all thought I was. If I die this time, I'm dying with the honour of meeting all of you.
Whatever comes next, whenever it comes. Even without the glory of our finest days.
We'll fight together. As it was meant to be.
We enter hell. As one.

Just to sleep

I can remember the time when we had bullets flying around, everyday... can you remember that?
Slightly, seems like too remote times.
I miss that.
Why, exactly?
Because, it seemed to be what we were born to do.
It was dangerous.
Well, life is dangerous right? We all end dead after all.
You got what I meant. Just because you will end dead anyway doesn't mean you can go mad around risking your neck.
But, we never died...
Oh, really? I am surprised.
Oh, come on, you know you liked it.
I never said I didn't...
Even though it was dangerous, it felt like it was what we knew, you see? The thing that we can do through all our lives and still feel happy with it. It felt... right.
Man, we were born to live, not to run the risk of getting shot everyday just because we are good at shooting. We can adapt to this new situation, we can adapt to anything. We just need to want it.
Ok, so all we need to do is to want to be in this situation, and it will feel just like the good old times?
It's simple to say. Try doing it.
Well, and how exactly do I do it?
That's the point. Try to get the elements that you like, appreciate them. Try to imagine how to make things better... WITHOUT reversing to the past. Think about the bad things, this sort of stuff.
Looks boring just to hear you say it...
We can adapt, we just need to start adapting.
What if it turns out this is really shitty and the past was indeed the best?
Then we'll go back there, but while we don't have the proof, give these days the benefit of the doubt.


I hate being here. I hate... too many things, it is irrelevant. What's the point of being human if you can't act like one? I don't know if I start to apologize now. Maybe it's better to wait, we don;t know how will it turn out. Always prepared for the worst, even if this intense preparation ends by really bringing the worst to reality.
I don't know when is the right time, I don't know. My defects by design don't allow me. That's a bad thing, to lose touch with these important timings. Not feeling from others. But maybe there really was nothing to feel since the beginning. But, we started it, we made the beginning.... aren't we guilty?
This is also irrelevant. I wanted to sleep and for these few hours pretend things are okay. Or at least warped. If there's some kind of demonic psycho alien zombie genocidal life form chasing me, I'll feel better. In the end we are all wimpy kids right?
Right...
Nobody can give me the answer, nobody can tell me what to do. That's alright, it's not their fault. It's not anyone's fault. We are just, defective, that's all. Perhaps traumatized, but how to fight a trauma that we can't fully identify?
I want to just be a wimpy kid at my own place, the place where only I can go and no one else will disturb me. Ever.
Or to find the answer. Whatever comes first.
Thanks. Let's prepare for the show now. Gotta fill these containers in case we decide it all has to go down...

Conclusion of a failure...?

So, here we are again, at the same place that warps us to other places in hours that we should be at even another place. Listening to... the song that reminds us of the fourth place. Well, it's more like a situation but using some tolerance to poetic license to see it as a place.
I live in many places at once and no place at all. I like to see my behaviour as a paradox. That must be quite clear, anyway. But it is good to use some redundancy, just to make sure people understand my way of talking about things not talking about them. Okay, enough.
What should we be talking about here? I don't remember exactly. Been a bit distant lately, not glacial mode though. But quite close to activating it. I guess the research on The Human Centipede helped it a bit, no, I haven't seen it yet and probably won't, I'm quite sure it will be a big let down even though I really appreciate the idea. Let's just hope for the sequence, shall we? Maybe the evil clown toy helped also. Well, that's a good guess. Good to feel fear with that intensity, sometimes.
Have you ever felt like there was just so much activity within the people around you and at the same time, nothing was going on? I guess the answer would mostly be ''yes''. As long as you answered it honestly, that is. Because, we are pretty much alike. We just, are too quiet to know it.
I guess the primary topic is the doubt. The big ugly shadowy being that keeps on scratching relationships until they are dry, totally out of blood. Once communication fails and the doubt starts it's reign, pretty much everything is set to explode. Or crumble slowly in agony. You can never trust the person again like you did before. Because you simply don't know, and by not knowing something you classified as important, you start to wonder whether you can trust that person in... pretty much anything else. It's a dramatic and exaggerated way of putting things but it has some resemblance with reality. Slowly you get away because cold wars require you to proceed this way. These little patterns and last resorts of logic that live into our chaotic way of living.
I'm still not very comfortable with my new eyes. Even though I can see the beauty in skies and walls and... I don't know, pretty much anything that randomly I think that's pretty and videogame-like, since reality is ugly and the pretty scenery was into games, to start with. Do not discuss this, I'm a lost case in these topics and I'll insist in the loss.
I don't really know what my new eyes mean. I hope I can get a satisfying answer soon.
I also don't like this weird loneliness that made itself at home. It's a different kind of ''being alone'', well, it's not new anyway. But I like these cold days. Remind me of snow, and hot chocolate, and... christmas. Oh, now the song with december on it's name. Good.
I'm a little bit lost nowadays, you know, sort of like how you are when you need people to cheer you up. But not like that since I'm not very receptive to people doing these things. Gotta be more specific than random people coming and saying ''Well done!''. Creating this need for things to be specific is quite stupid.
But I've had these talks with some people in recent days, was quite entertaining I can tell. It's strange to deal with the images we make of people, and it's also impossible not to create some kind of image of someone. I like to talk to people. It's fun.
I still haven't found the fourth way of dealing with things, but hey, we are just starting.
Now into the second, or... tenth, topic... it's stupid how we put so much hopes into a girl isn't it?
Okay, next topic. Not that I'm trying to derail it, we just have to focus on this one next topic because it is very important.
I'm a bit bored. They didn't teach me how to sleep like them, fuckers.
I like the night. Damn, we need more people to go through the nights with us. Well, we had better stop while we are not that bad.

Perhaps...?

So, how is it going? How are you doing, my knight from hell?
I'm not very fine...
What's the matter?
I think... there's something wrong... do you feel a bit crazed?
No. Why?
I guess... I'm feeling.
Oh, crazed like... what?
You know, when you can't focus in something and...
Focus in what?
Focus in what you have to do, you just keep on warping back to the visions...
The visions. Heh, well, that's going away soon, as long as you only continue it in your mind. If it never makes it's way into the real world, it's not much of a big deal.
I wish it could come to reality...
Yeah, that would be nice. It would be different, so it would be nice to see what would come next. So, even after apparently succeding at your text, you feel bad because of not being able to focus?
Yes.
The whole thing is solely based on that?
Maybe not... you remember, the car crash...
You see, it had nothing to do with us and we had to go to where we had to be. Gotta do what you have to do.
But I have this weird feeling that we had to do something else, not just what they say we have to do because we had an ''appointment''.
Do not come with this good citizen crap, we had no way to help her.
Just showing that you care, sometimes that helps...
Let me make this clear to you, WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. We had to be somewhere else so we couldn't just stop and pose as nice guys. We didn't even know what to do, heck, even now we don't know what we could have done.
When it happened to us we also didn't know what to do and it was horrible. There was pretty much nobody at our side at the moment and you remember very well how it felt.
We don't even know her very well.
That's not a very good argument...
Ok, next time, go and do something. Let's see just how stupid you end looking like. Maybe then, just maybe, you get to understand that DOING THIS, WON'T MAKE HER MAGICALLY LIKING YOU. Don't pretend, I know very well what you were thinking. Even though it wasn't a primary thought, it was there, and you don't help people with these intentions. And don't look at me like that, you know the rules. We're better alone.
...


I still feel a bit weird... am I going mad...?

Pretending

Lazy as hell in here... and my eye insists on bother me, I would take it out if I could, if I could.
But there are other things more important to focus now. I wish I could still write about these things I see in my head but for now I don't it would be okay. Been thinking about this whole pretending situation, so, we had an answer that said that pretending only gives you a life of falsehood, and to really live peacefully you gotta not pretend. I don't really agree with that. It would be better if we could just generalize it and then all live as they are and not hiding what they feel. But, humans are not homogeneous. Then, into our equation comes these people who don't really feel as much as their fellows. If they don't pretend to be ''as happy'' as others, this will create worry among them. And then their behaviour might just aggravate problems.
I'm not even talking about dangerous people, we don't need to go that extreme.
It would be better if we actually were homogeneous, right? So everyone would care about the same things and all. In fact, that sucks, but, no one would need to pretend they actually care about something they just can't wait to go away. Well, this is just a rant about some silly situation. Childish behaviour that is now set as default.
It could be said that I envy these people that get happy for pretty much everything. But I don't think that's quite about it... there's something more, I don't know. It's quite silly to look for something you don't want to find, ain't it?

Terror da saudade infinita

Vamos fazer algo mais experimental dessa vez. Ou não.
Como sempre, eu devia estar dormindo mas não deu, e eu tentei mesmo. E cheguei bem perto, mas um mosquito amaldiçoado decidiu que não era pra ser. Acho que não é a hora certa pra escrever isso aqui também, mas a gente esperou, esperou e a hora certa nunca veio. No momento assisto estruturas se desfazendo num quadro de areia, adoro essas destruições graduais que você pode criar nele. Enquanto isso, palavras vão desaparecendo da minha cabeça. Mas não foi pra isso que eu comecei isso aqui.
Na verdade agora ficou meio confuso a razão de ter iniciado esse experimento. Ah sim, não está em inglês porque eu não achei um substantivo legal pra saudade em inglês. Lembro de uma historinha antiga falando sobre o fato de não existir algo como "saudade" em outras línguas, o que não quer dizer que não sintam e tal, bom, dá pra ficar refletindo sobre a razão disso mas não importa.
Pra continuar enrolando um pouco, eu gosto da palavra "terror". Soa bonito, sei lá por quê. Quando a "infinita", bom, é isso aí e pronto. Nem tudo que passa pela nossa cabeça temos total controle.
Talvez eu continue isso aqui em alguma outra oportunidade, também chamada de madrugada-que-não-consegui-dormir. Então agora temos o primeiro passo, que é o mais difícil de todos, o começo.
Como eu já disse, essa não parece ser a hora certa porque não estou sentindo saudade, pelo menos não significativamente. Acho que somos destinados a sentir saudade ao longo da vida porque não podemos manter tudo. Mas pelo menos não vivemos morrendo de saudade em tempo integral. Mas infelizmente sei que cedo ou tarde vou sentir isso denovo. Então talvez seja interessante tentar falar sobre o assunto sem estar "envolvido".
Suponho que eu não seja o único que associe músicas a jogos e jogos a momentos da vida. Eu sinto falta de jogar, jogar de verdade. Infelizmente o tempo realmente vai se tornando escasso conforme você cresce. Jogar de verdade é se perder jogando, não ver as horas passar, do tipo, mais de 10 horas seguidas, é, pense a merda que quiser, mas é isso mesmo. Jogar 2 horas por dia pensando o que você vai ter que fazer assim que acabar de jogar ou pensando em ficar ligado no tempo pensando que você vai acabar prolongando a jogada e acabar perdendo tempo precioso, não, não é jogar. Pode ser divertido, de qualquer forma, principalmente com a galera e tudo mais, mas não é jogar de verdade. Eu geralmente considero as coisas que eu sinto bestas porque não condizem muito com o "padrão". Do tipo sentir falta de jogar com certas pessoas e tudo mais, e jogar por horas a fio. E dormir depois que o sol aparece pra acordar 4 horas depois e continuar jogando freneticamente. Claro, não é saudável, mas são riscos que eu não me importo de correr. Riscos...
Também sinto falta de coisas que nunca existiram, acho que isso é relativamente comum também. E agora me pergunto se sentir falta de coisas que nunca aconteceram porque provavelmente só acontecem em livros ou filmes se encaixa nesse quesito. Acho que não, você não sente falta, você apenas queria que acontecesse. Ou talvez sinta falta da existência desses eventos. Bom, essa é uma coisa meio ruim de sentir porque tem sempre aquela voz que te diz pra calar a boca porque infelizmente, essas coisas não existem. Sinto falta dessas coisas bobas que talvez pudessem acontecer na vida real mas são bem complexas de se organizar... bom, tudo que depende da vontade de terceiros se torna nebuloso.
Sinto saudade de sensações também. De sentir medo vendo filmes de terror. Sabe, aquele medo que você tem quando criança, sabe que vai ter, sabe que não vai conseguir dormir, mas ainda assiste o filme? Era gostoso, tem gente que não gosta mas aí é questão de gosto. Sinto falta do frio da madrugada quando o sol começa a aparecer, mas esse eu consigo arranjar. Também sinto falta de andar com alguém por aí aleatoriamente na chuva, é diferente de andar sozinho na chuva, não que este último não seja bom, de qualquer forma. Tem também a falta de confiança no que pode vir a seguir, talvez porque antigamente parecia mais simples confiar plenamente nas pessoas. Essa... essa acho que é uma falta que veio pra ficar. Também tenho saudades do tempo em que não era tão difícil fingir para as pessoas. Mas acho que no fim das contas é necessário parar de fingir mesmo. E de não gostar de ninguém, mas essas coisas mais humanas não adianta muito reclamar porque vêm e vão independente da sua aprovação.
E mais algumas outras centenas de coisas.
Mas até que não foi tão mal assim...
Sua saudade parece nunca acabar também?

As the ground crumbles...

When is enough?
We'll set the way into insanity, just to see what happens. I miss my needs, I miss my desires...
But that's the world. And while there's no light, there won't be darkness... I urge you to save me, but, do I want to be saved? I'm losing it. Each time I hear the explosions, each time I see them killing, I wonder, I just wonder. People like me, I need to find them. I can see the beauty in things but I'm immune to it. Just, doesn't work, anymore. But I still see some thoughts of clarity and kindness. I'll be fine, I can deal with pretty much eveything I've created in my reign. I just can't deal with you...