Ore no yuutsu

Still awake, huh?
Yeah, having a hard time trying to sleep.
Hard time?
I just can't sleep, I don't know if it's the fucking heat these days, or the fact that I've slept before.
You know you shouldn't be sleeping before the real time to sleep, it only make things worse, way worse.
I know, I know, but the bed just felt so good...
Anyway, how long did you sleep?
It was... somewhat around one hour. I sometimes wonder if sleeping one hour makes me good enough to start a new day, I guess this is pretty much impossible but would be good not needing to sleeping 8 damned hours.
Well, I know you find it weird not being to sleep again after only sleeping for one hour, after all you still owe your body seven hours, but I guess it's normal.
Yeah.
So, what are you doing this night?
Just... thinking I guess. That same bad thoughts about the circle, you probably know...
Yeah, I really do, and I've told you that it's not under your control, it never was and will never be. Free will remember? Do not care about it, people come and people go. That's life. You must only trust at yourself, might be harsh but that's the way it is. Or at least the way we force it to be.
I've been told those things a few times by now. But I don't know, I just have a bad feeling, and I don't know about what.
Natural disasters?
No. Although I must say I was pretty astonished by the red dust storm in Australia. Never seen anything like that.
Well, even though it is dangerous and all, it looks... exciting.
Yeah.



I see you're staring at nowhere. You do this most of the time, I know it. I know you live most of the time inside your own world, locked in your head. A dollar for your thoughts?
Just... the same old misery seeking thoughts.
Why so desperate?
Because you see, people are going ahead. I don't think I'm going ahead and I know it and I'm still here.
What if you are supposed to be in here?
Why would I be?
I don't know. I don't write the rules, and I don't think anyone does. Chaos has it's own unknown rules.
So you believe in...
Chaos, for sure. It's all a big mess of existances trying to prove themselves. Each with it's own abilities. And mortal desires.
Mortal?
Well, that just sounded cool. Let's say that each of us have our own desires and wishes.
Which are mine?
Are you kidding me?
No... I just... get lost sometimes.
Well, lost or not, people can't tell you these things. It's, something beyond a secret.



You see what I see right?
Well, literally, yes. But, in the other meaning of this sentence, no.
What do you think about it?
Fuck it. Just continue ahead and let's see what comes further. Moaning and complaining aren't changing things. And they probably won't.
And what about this weird feeling?
I have no idea about it, kid.
I was told by a friend one day that I kept putting myself into misery. Like, no matter what I do, it's not enough to pay for the things I done. He was right.
And what are those things you done?
Nothing but stupid babblings about minor things. Just drama about things that doesn't really matter.
Oh, the memory problem again. You know, people are prone to forgetting past things, or mask it. But you keep on remembering, good memory is trully heinous at some points. You keep the bad things with you and the sum of all minor troubles get worse than one whole bad trouble. Your tendency to transform things doesn't help anyway...
What tendency?
That little wish of yours to live in a place where epic things happen... you try so hard to see things epic, and the bad things also get epic. And problems at an epic scale are no joke.
True...



My turn now. Your thoughts?
Nothing special, kid.
Ah... boring. Do you feel any sadness?
Related to what?
Anything.
Actually I do. One that's pretty much know to you. I miss being able to help people. Though I don't go to such an extreme point of sometimes catch myself thinking about how good it would be if someone had a problem, like you. And, please, let's not talk about the "missing" thing.
That's a deal then, past bites. But we only helped people around us right?
Yeah, because you like to do things closely. If we really really wanted to help people, for the sake of helping alone, we would go to charities, help people that are really suffering, be it by a disease or by economical situation, and maybe both. But we do not. Even though it sometimes looks like great to think about these things.
Does that make us a fraud?
Not really. But it's not like we like to help people. We like to help those who are close to us. That's about it.
Changing the topic a little. What about the writing projects?
FINALLY! Thought you weren't going to talk about it, kid. You should continue it, no matter what. It's a chance to, be creative, I suppose. And to maybe understand more about your own world, all the violence that lies within the sweetness you never really understood. Do not give up, I know you get demotivated because you think that there's no point in writing anyway. Well, as it turns out, there probably isn't. But, it can be fun, you don't need people telling you that it's good as long as you feel that it's good for you. Remember, the main point is to keep this world somewhere it cannot be forgotten.
I'm feeling rather sleepy now...
Good.
One last question though.
Go ahead, kid.
Why does it feel good trying to protect her?
Who knows... maybe something deeply buried in what we discussed today. Or maybe pure lunacy. Insanity owns a big a part of us, you know.
Yeah...
And do not forget to write.