Alone becomes a lot

We are alone again.
It feels... funny, I guess. It's scary and makes you feel pretty lost, but, I'm not sure I can say it's better than the first time, or at least ok.
You survive one, you survive a thousand.
I know, guess that's true.

We have so much to do... so much to do... I'm sorry if my permanent grinning scares you. But it feels so good to be free... I have so much work to do.

Do you think we will be not alone again?
Maybe, I don't think that's something we should bother with. It's like, changeable if you do other things, you can't change it facing it straight. Gotta go through other ways, and then, maybe.
Ok.
And remember, you are never alone.
Never?
Never. You got yourself, deep down in your head, even when there seems to be nothing left, you're still there.
But being one is being alone.
Only if you wish silence. There's no better company than ourselves if we can face a mirror. And if you can't, no companion in this world will save you. They can help you, but you are the one putting that hand out of the well and choosing to come out.
That looks good.
Yes... sadly it's easier said than done.
Well, we're still here and it's time to sleep, and we have been able to sleep quite okay lately, so it's something.
Haha, we can brag about sleeping I guess.
Sure! And, the sky is still there.
That's so old...
But holds true.
Wise point, my friend.
Thanks.


Strange thoughts roam around. There's revenge, efficiency and soothing going rampant. I'm not scared I guess. It just feels, weird. Can you tell me a story? I like the ones where we get happy endings, or at least open endings that don't feel like all hope is gone. It helps me to sleep.

Cyclin'

I believe that once somebody, or something, told me that life is just an endless repeat of cycles (although through one's eyes there might be an end, but that's not what's up tonight). I also believe this is one of the bad cycles. It sucks, but, it's here, it was here, and it will also be here. Thinking like that makes it smaller.

But the problem is that I'm also small, weak and puny. How much do we have to diminish our problems until we can fight 'em toe to toe?

I don't feel like quitting. I don't like quitting. I'm more the story reader type. So that's how we are going to roll.

Doto doto doto

So many strange feelings these last days.
If our emotions are part of who we are, who are we when we don't know what we feel?
What is the difference between fear and confusion?
Take the feeling of a farewell and the feeling of never being there, what sets them apart?
And if you can answer these, how do you do?

Calling for support is also part of a heroic life

It's been quite a long time. I don't even remember how much time has it been. I'm afraid that after so much time not posting anything, it becomes common to say ''I don't have the time right now". Right now, right two minutes after, right two days after, there's never time. But there's always ideas, things we wanted to write, things we wanted the world to see (even if it is posted here, and possibly won't really be seen).

Anyway. That's irrelevant I guess. What's relevant today is the fact that someone got the guts. Big time. I'm impressed by your courage. I wonder how much effort has the hero put in this failed attempt to save the princess. It sucks trying to save those who do not want to be saved.

Wish I could say something that would help enduring these days. But I guess sometimes we have to fight our own fights, and I was never an entity that made much presence in that world, therefore, I'm not sure there's much I can do. Just never, ever, give up. If you have a dream, you have to work towards it, as long as you respect the master rule: respect others. If your dream depends on other people, it will probably become way, way harder, but it still can be done. There is one phrase I remember very, very often, I don't dare say for sure who once said this, but most sources point to Samuel Beckett:

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

You have a lot of power over there. I would say, if you remember one story about chains, that you got one called Chains of Cheerfulness. And no matter how much you try, you will be bound to them. Mine are a bit different, but even though you are locked in chains that aren't good, you can still use their powers for something good. But that's just stories.

I was always a good listener, but I mostly remained silent, and I kinda know why, my vision of the world is somewhat distorted, and perhaps my advices aren't very well-rounded.

Well, I'll give you a story instead. I prefer to speak in those ways.


We've always dreamed about fantastic places and macabre series of events. Whether it was a dream or a nightmare, we've been there. Now what you don't know, is that there is one little monster, in all those events. If you try to look around very carefully, you will note that there is always a point of the surroundings that don't seem to fit, even if the dream is already very full of information and it is hard to determine some pattern.
But it's always there. Hidden in these deformities of the reality we dream. These are the little lost ones, each and every one of us has a little monster. They live alone in that dimension, hoping to have someone to talk to, or just some silent company. They cannot cross dimensions. Their only (and that's an underestimating word for it, wait and see) power is to alter reality and read minds. When we sleep, our minds cross to that dimension, and, if they are awake, they see us. In case they aren't awake, you'll just pass through this blank dark screen in the blink of an eye.
Seeing us is a very challenging emotion for them. It is a bizarre mix of joy and fear. They love company, but they are afraid of what will come next. So they try to entertain us. Reading our minds to create stuff out of what they see and combine. Don't take them for crazy stalkers. They don't read for evil purposes, they just try to entertain. As eternity unveils for them, it becomes hard to understand what would really take us to bad places, and why would it. So they just do their trick.
Legends speak about a boy who once managed to pursue the glitch in the dream. He found his unique monster. The monster would not speak in his language, for he is not human, but he would show images that the boy would understand, and reactions to images would be the boy's words.
It's said that the boy would never dream again, for the monster never came again. And the drawings the boy made could show how was his monster, but every monster is a different monster.
When he got older, he created plush toys with the appearance of the monster, and when asked about his dreams, he would say that he never dreamed again. But he was happy. For one got free the day the rules were broken.
But, he always took one day of the year to go to distant places, and look at the starry sky. I don't know, maybe... there was something out there with the stars?

What we love?

I guess it's common to feel uneasy at this time of the year. Many have felt strange about Christmas in the past, and many will fell like that in the future. I'm having a hard time trying to understand what feels so strange this time around. It is almost like, there isn't Christmas...
It's funny because it is a man-made thing. But it is a man-made thing that becomes slowly part of us who take part in it. Funny to think that there are people that do not celebrate it. You get to question yourself, is it really importante to celebrate it? Probably not from the logical point of view. Who knows...
Perhaps it feels good to participate because deep down we just want to believe that during these days things are really going to get better and calm, and that somehow people love each other, or least tolerate themselves (which they should do during their entire lives, but...). Perhaps it is all about believing. Well, not just believing, since you have to take part. You have to act. There is no Christmas if there is no one there to say "Merry Christmas!", however they get to say it. Generally, if they are saying it with a belief that there is indeed something merry, it works. Unless you are truly closed.
I don't understand. What is wrong? What is lacking? The tree is there. All the decoration is present. The malls are decorated, there are houses with decorations. Yet everything feels rushed and ''Un-Christmas". I get to think about the cliché points that brought up in these times. Is it because people are just running around buying whatever gifts they can? And everything is so damn over-priced that they can't buy what they really wanted? Is it because they are just running like fools after money? Are they forgetting that it's not about the gifts alone, you have to also take part in it? Or am I the problem?
Maybe.
The problem is that there is no exact answer, and that is... unnerving. Really unsettling. Was my money craze strong enough to make me this adrift? Have I really worked beyond what I should (and yet I'm running out of money soon...)? But I still like there were good things in this year. I don't understand. I don't feel like I destroyed things like that. Indeed I got worried about money much more than anytime before, but... there were good moments!
There was the whole trip to Japan, you can't take dreams away like that. There was the game trophy. There was the beginning of the relationship on January. There was the graduation.
It didn't pass as a blank year. Yet it feels weird. Because I'm not very happy with my actual job (which is coming to na end so it's okay). But...
I got real tired this year. It was a battle in the dark against... against what? I wanted money to be able to travel with my girlfriend. I really wanted to take her abroad and have a nice time. I wanted money to be able not to worry that much about money in the future. I wanted to be productive so I would feel better. Yet I got a shitload of work to do that did not succeed on reaching the finish line. I failed people.
Have I failed myself?
I don't know. I'm still trying, that's the new game this new year right? Focus on our projects, and then even if I fail, I can go to the backup plans. And it's never over, we can still slowly work through the free hours we get.
I still feel this dreaded cold.
Maybe I can't be the success I want to be, and also the man I wanted to be for her, and also the friend I wanted them to have... but what comes after I decide to admit that? Do I lose?
Maybe I just need some time to relax.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking for a while before the New Game + starts.
I hate maybe's.
Yet I loved the first time I heard she saying "tanjoubi" for the first time. She will probably never understand what was the magic of it. And I probably will never be able to explain the absolutely cute moment it became, her face, her voice, her pose.
I loved winning that trophy. For it was the first victory of the chain of dreams. And maybe someday, it grows as strong as the dreaded chain.
I loved the moments she showed up without further notice. Even if it didn't turn out well because I couldn't see her.
I loved Japan. It was the most insanely cool travel I've done. Someday I'll get back there.
I am lost.
And I am afraid Christmas might not come for me this year.
When I should actually be afraid I did not come for Christmas this year.
And I'm almost sure now the answer lies within them. Perhaps I need these people around.
Perhaps I need a hug and a bit of silence, the one that makes us rest our heads somewhere and stop trying to prepare for whatever hells that might come.
Perhaps stopping is Christmas.
And if you've come thus far, I wish you a merry one. Even if I ain't not even close on the road for it. But you might be.


After all, all it takes is one who believes.

About relationships

It's undeniable that sometimes we get a bit frailer.
Though some would say that's no weakness, that's an opportunity to know where could our strength lie.
Can't really agree with them, but it doesn't seem to be something that bad sometimes. The big deal with all these troubles is that they are not a case of defined elements.
I thought about writing the things I thought while watching the landscape as the car glided through the road. But it seems a bit dull right now. It seems to have no point.
I just wanted to know what goes through people's heads when they set for something between boyfriend and girlfriend. In my head it feels like it should be something serious, something that demands commitment. It shouldn't be an act of sheer hipocrisy.
And this was a post that came in my head many weeks ago, I don't really remember all of the motivation. It just bugs me sometimes to see some couples out there. Why are people really trying to be together if they don't really like each other?
I know some of the reasons why. I can understand a bit of it. But is just looks... sad.
Within these days, some of the stories that play in my head grew up. Not to their final forms, not even close to that. But I keep on thinking about them.
There were three of them.
I guess now they are two, since the third one somehow disappeared. As stories come and go...
The first one, would be the big big one, between good and evil, two extremes from each side melted down to our human limitations. Both like each other, both try to be close to each other, both try to have a reason for each other. But that ends up separating them. Until the final encounter (which is what actually plays in my head), when they meet over the buildings and truth comes out. I guess I should say I'm sorry for being so abstract over here... but I really wanted to write it someday so, let's keep it like that.
The second one is a much more simple one yet bigger. It's about a heavenly creature that abandons its life to be with one among us. It's not innovative by any means indeed, but I like the way the dialogues run when you get to face that you no longer have the power to protect those you love.
I wonder what was the third.
I wonder why these things keep floating around in my head. I really have to man up and get back to writing...

Hells go down

I don't know where to start this post, and probably the title has nothing to do with all of it. But as long as I write it, and being me the one who chose the title, I guess it is alright.
Let's say this is a expression that got into my head when I was reading about bad news of bad times. Not that they affect me directly, although pretty much everything affects us, in mysterious ways if you ask me.
This won't be the post yet about the Japan experience. Perhaps a little rant about the aftermath. I miss that place, I miss some of the people (can't say I miss the people, there's some weird shit down there).
Things look a bit awry in this comeback. Maybe it's just me sad that I'm back. Well, not that I'm back, but a bit sad because I miss being there. I guess it's not just missing being a tourist, because this time it looks worse. I guess I really liked it there.
But eventually things will set up. Maybe if I focus a bit more on the people by my side right now the whole process gets a bit quicker. That brings us back to the awry part. I feel people are feeling a bit bad. The situations in which they are involved look bad I guess. That's it.
Also, I'm again lacking time to do everything.
Damn.
But eventually, things get better. Can't complain.

And hell goes down.