This year I did not write anything to review the year. I did not thank my brothers. Not in the explicit textual way I've done in the past few years. I haven't done much I guess.
To be pretty straight to the point, this was the year I failed, and I failed, and failed, and then failed again. I had the feeling of writing something about for the last few days but everything is pretty much diluted in this bizarre sensation of tiredness.
Jeez, I've been tired for longer than I have ever been in my entire existence pre-2014. I don't know exactly why, but clues are flying all around. I wish I could say this year has finally ended, I wish I could say it is truly over and how horrid it was.
But I can't. It's hard to state a year as horrible considering you have everything in life. It's strange that sometimes it seems we are so focused in trying to find something bad that we start to accelerate decease of what's around us. Oh boy does it turn out as a fast change.
I gave a 7 out of 10 for the year. I can't complain. I have a job, I have family, friends, health.
The thing is, when you get these things, you perhaps lose something else.
This was the year my mind sunk.
And I didn't want to go back to the psychologist, I believe she did what had to be done with the other issues. This one has to be fought one-on-one. At least I insist so. I don't know how to summon others into the fray. I don't even know if that should really be done. I asked for help sometimes, but I don't know how to continue the quest for help. I don't want to bother people and I don't feel like I have the right to be complaining but at the same time I feel like I have to complain because I feel like exploding for a great part of the day. I am happy that at least when I tried to call for help I saw that there were people out there. I just wish I could have truly crawled out and raised my hand. But there's something else. There's always a catch.
I failed myself into the dream of developing games. That gave the final blow to what was called a low self-esteem. We have now ruins.
But I sometimes think that's a bit of an exaggeration. Though I don't know if the times I'm cheerful and calling people and laughing and doing everything aloud, I am really being what I should be. It may be a mask. Once chains are broken, we run for masks. Once masks get broken, we run.
It's funny when protectors seek out protection. It looks like a misplaced effort that begs to be called as ridiculous, and yet can't be stopped.
There are lots of things I would like to still say, and there are a lot of people I would like to look in the eyes. Even if I don't find the words that have to be said, if I can look into their eyes, that would be awesome.
I don't work as much as I say I do. I am falling behind. I had this great dream that failed to be realized and thus became an utter obsession. And whatever could once be called deception morphed into oppression, and now we have this.
This, sucks.
Still I can't stop it because it is the single only loneliest thing that can make me happy.
This was also the year I found out how easy it is to grab my chains and kneel me down. But, as everything that goes up has to go down, this was also the year I found out how massive can my derailment of reality become. It is almost as if "die trying" was hardcoded inside my head. It may not sound pretty but it is what holds it all when it has to crumble.
I also discovered how deranged has my head became in all these years, in the relationship field. I can't truly blame something, or someone. But it's scary to think that the maximum Vegas experience would be doing all that jazz with her by my side.
The problem is there is no her. As porn and Disney movies are claimed to be the devastators of relationships, for creating expectations that simply can't be real, something something devastated what could be her.
She is impossible to achieve, and thus it all bogs down. She is... awesome. I can't truly define how high as fuck expectations are. It's not just about expending money in Vegas, staying in a nice hotel and driving a Lamborghini (for 2 days of course, I haven't got that bizarre amount of money) with a girl. That looks quite nice, I can't deny. But there's the catch, she has to be nice, not just nice, she has to be awesome. And, she has to like me. And, I have to like her. Not just as in, I like you because you give me cake. Or as in I like you because you are a nice human being.
It scares me to think that I have considered asking anyone to go burn some money.
I guess this year only starts after the game is done. Then I won't feel that bad. But no worries, it will be ending soon. January 9th is the day.
The year wasn't bad. My head got bad. Once these bleak times pass, it will get better. It's a cycle, 2008 was disasterful, 2009 was among the best.
Someday I will even come here and write about the results of all the new year resolutions I wrote a few years ago.
I like to think about all these things with Frog's Theme on my head. He lost his friend, he got cursed. Yet, he still had himself.
And I ain't even got any close to that state of loss, so there's no game over.
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