Control

It's funny to think about the answers to a few questions. Like, what are you planning to do? I don't know. Who am I? I'm not very sure I can answer that.
I've also been using "it's funny" too much.
It ain't exactly funny.
When we think too much it's not fun at all.
I'm not sure what should I be writing right now. This was a very... informative night I guess. Why are we different people when in the presence of different people? Should we be the same always?
I've been thinking about stories to tell. One specifically designed for a flight situation. But it just gets too cheesy to come out. The ones that stand out are more horror-friendly.
I won't be following most of the advices I'll receive these times. But I like to hear 'em, I really do. I feel like my words are crumbling just like my face. Maybe I just need some sleep. Someday I will sleep and it will all be fine. Maybe some ultra fancy hotel, with those very expensive sheets and whatever else they can technologically enhance in a bed. That sounds good. I'll probably have learned how to take of my appearance by then.


But while we are here, and I am really glad you are here, I'd like to tell you about something I did a few days ago.
I shall call it, the Rose Hunt Day.
It all started a few years ago with an idea, but that's not very important right now. We got some flowers, 10 of them, to be exact. They were pretty, red roses aren't my thing but at least we chose them in a way to pick what we felt as the prettiest available.
We went there by car, it took a while because the traffic wasn't the best, and we were... a little bit lost. But being lost during a journey is a great part of the journey, in many aspects of the word great.
It felt... strangely good.
I expected it to feel good actually, since it was supposed to be a good deed. And they say doing good things make you feel good inside. Feeling good inside means at least that you're not so empty.
We delivered roses to 10 random people, some who asked, and some who were the main targets of the plan. The initial main targets were people who were alone and felt sad, or at least felt like they could use a rose. It ended up as being just alone and looking like would like to receive a random rose from random strangers in an ordinary night. Albeit some minor mishaps, which were mostly caused by my inability to be a social being, it was an outstanding success. I hope we can go for some more Rose Hunts. I hope the project can be expanded to more than once a month. I hope it is for good.
It sucks to take a glance at the possibility of an empty and desperate act of receiving gratefulness just to feel less negative.
But let's stop being so negative.


Sometimes we feel like we are raging psychos, doomed to remain in one mind.
I can't feel like you do.
I can't demonstrate feelings like you do.
I can't act like you do.
And I am confused.
It feels like showing happiness in ways that could be condemned as shameful or reckless is the right thing.
How do we achieve right?


Second confession.
I've considered buying some kick ass tee shirts for people. I think that's a truly desperate attempt at getting attention.
Hope you would like receiving that shirt.
But don't worry, I control.
Everything is under control.
Control is everything.

Glass

I felt angry today. Not sure exactly what should have been done. Not sure if there was actually something that should have been done. I guess the big fucking problem is that I don't feel sure about anything.
I really wish things were different. I don't think I'll ever be someone with an attitude. I'm stuck to the dilemma, hating and protecting will end by driving me mad.
I'm not sure what is the purpose of writing here now. Maybe it will just help me sleep. But I've been sleeping quite fine lately, sure, sometimes it takes a few hours, but it's already way better than on remote times.
Also not sure about the next steps. I just know that these types of discussions are stupid and we're just hurting each other for no reason. Perhaps then there some things I'm sure...
I'm also sure that we could develop something great, really really great, but you need to get calm, you need to focus. Choose a goal and go for it, it's better than feeling aimless. I know you can, now I need to make sure that you know you can.
I was never, and never will be, someone who unites people or takes some kind of lead, the few examples in history that can give a hint of such behaviour are just too full of conditions and exceptions. I was never a true leader for the circle, in fact, I needed them much more than they needed me, for whatever reasons.
I feel like running away from the topic.
Just remember, the only way of winning something sometime, is trying so fucking hard that even failure becomes surprised, and then, it's all yours.

Alone becomes a lot

We are alone again.
It feels... funny, I guess. It's scary and makes you feel pretty lost, but, I'm not sure I can say it's better than the first time, or at least ok.
You survive one, you survive a thousand.
I know, guess that's true.

We have so much to do... so much to do... I'm sorry if my permanent grinning scares you. But it feels so good to be free... I have so much work to do.

Do you think we will be not alone again?
Maybe, I don't think that's something we should bother with. It's like, changeable if you do other things, you can't change it facing it straight. Gotta go through other ways, and then, maybe.
Ok.
And remember, you are never alone.
Never?
Never. You got yourself, deep down in your head, even when there seems to be nothing left, you're still there.
But being one is being alone.
Only if you wish silence. There's no better company than ourselves if we can face a mirror. And if you can't, no companion in this world will save you. They can help you, but you are the one putting that hand out of the well and choosing to come out.
That looks good.
Yes... sadly it's easier said than done.
Well, we're still here and it's time to sleep, and we have been able to sleep quite okay lately, so it's something.
Haha, we can brag about sleeping I guess.
Sure! And, the sky is still there.
That's so old...
But holds true.
Wise point, my friend.
Thanks.


Strange thoughts roam around. There's revenge, efficiency and soothing going rampant. I'm not scared I guess. It just feels, weird. Can you tell me a story? I like the ones where we get happy endings, or at least open endings that don't feel like all hope is gone. It helps me to sleep.

Cyclin'

I believe that once somebody, or something, told me that life is just an endless repeat of cycles (although through one's eyes there might be an end, but that's not what's up tonight). I also believe this is one of the bad cycles. It sucks, but, it's here, it was here, and it will also be here. Thinking like that makes it smaller.

But the problem is that I'm also small, weak and puny. How much do we have to diminish our problems until we can fight 'em toe to toe?

I don't feel like quitting. I don't like quitting. I'm more the story reader type. So that's how we are going to roll.

Doto doto doto

So many strange feelings these last days.
If our emotions are part of who we are, who are we when we don't know what we feel?
What is the difference between fear and confusion?
Take the feeling of a farewell and the feeling of never being there, what sets them apart?
And if you can answer these, how do you do?

Calling for support is also part of a heroic life

It's been quite a long time. I don't even remember how much time has it been. I'm afraid that after so much time not posting anything, it becomes common to say ''I don't have the time right now". Right now, right two minutes after, right two days after, there's never time. But there's always ideas, things we wanted to write, things we wanted the world to see (even if it is posted here, and possibly won't really be seen).

Anyway. That's irrelevant I guess. What's relevant today is the fact that someone got the guts. Big time. I'm impressed by your courage. I wonder how much effort has the hero put in this failed attempt to save the princess. It sucks trying to save those who do not want to be saved.

Wish I could say something that would help enduring these days. But I guess sometimes we have to fight our own fights, and I was never an entity that made much presence in that world, therefore, I'm not sure there's much I can do. Just never, ever, give up. If you have a dream, you have to work towards it, as long as you respect the master rule: respect others. If your dream depends on other people, it will probably become way, way harder, but it still can be done. There is one phrase I remember very, very often, I don't dare say for sure who once said this, but most sources point to Samuel Beckett:

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

You have a lot of power over there. I would say, if you remember one story about chains, that you got one called Chains of Cheerfulness. And no matter how much you try, you will be bound to them. Mine are a bit different, but even though you are locked in chains that aren't good, you can still use their powers for something good. But that's just stories.

I was always a good listener, but I mostly remained silent, and I kinda know why, my vision of the world is somewhat distorted, and perhaps my advices aren't very well-rounded.

Well, I'll give you a story instead. I prefer to speak in those ways.


We've always dreamed about fantastic places and macabre series of events. Whether it was a dream or a nightmare, we've been there. Now what you don't know, is that there is one little monster, in all those events. If you try to look around very carefully, you will note that there is always a point of the surroundings that don't seem to fit, even if the dream is already very full of information and it is hard to determine some pattern.
But it's always there. Hidden in these deformities of the reality we dream. These are the little lost ones, each and every one of us has a little monster. They live alone in that dimension, hoping to have someone to talk to, or just some silent company. They cannot cross dimensions. Their only (and that's an underestimating word for it, wait and see) power is to alter reality and read minds. When we sleep, our minds cross to that dimension, and, if they are awake, they see us. In case they aren't awake, you'll just pass through this blank dark screen in the blink of an eye.
Seeing us is a very challenging emotion for them. It is a bizarre mix of joy and fear. They love company, but they are afraid of what will come next. So they try to entertain us. Reading our minds to create stuff out of what they see and combine. Don't take them for crazy stalkers. They don't read for evil purposes, they just try to entertain. As eternity unveils for them, it becomes hard to understand what would really take us to bad places, and why would it. So they just do their trick.
Legends speak about a boy who once managed to pursue the glitch in the dream. He found his unique monster. The monster would not speak in his language, for he is not human, but he would show images that the boy would understand, and reactions to images would be the boy's words.
It's said that the boy would never dream again, for the monster never came again. And the drawings the boy made could show how was his monster, but every monster is a different monster.
When he got older, he created plush toys with the appearance of the monster, and when asked about his dreams, he would say that he never dreamed again. But he was happy. For one got free the day the rules were broken.
But, he always took one day of the year to go to distant places, and look at the starry sky. I don't know, maybe... there was something out there with the stars?

What we love?

I guess it's common to feel uneasy at this time of the year. Many have felt strange about Christmas in the past, and many will fell like that in the future. I'm having a hard time trying to understand what feels so strange this time around. It is almost like, there isn't Christmas...
It's funny because it is a man-made thing. But it is a man-made thing that becomes slowly part of us who take part in it. Funny to think that there are people that do not celebrate it. You get to question yourself, is it really importante to celebrate it? Probably not from the logical point of view. Who knows...
Perhaps it feels good to participate because deep down we just want to believe that during these days things are really going to get better and calm, and that somehow people love each other, or least tolerate themselves (which they should do during their entire lives, but...). Perhaps it is all about believing. Well, not just believing, since you have to take part. You have to act. There is no Christmas if there is no one there to say "Merry Christmas!", however they get to say it. Generally, if they are saying it with a belief that there is indeed something merry, it works. Unless you are truly closed.
I don't understand. What is wrong? What is lacking? The tree is there. All the decoration is present. The malls are decorated, there are houses with decorations. Yet everything feels rushed and ''Un-Christmas". I get to think about the cliché points that brought up in these times. Is it because people are just running around buying whatever gifts they can? And everything is so damn over-priced that they can't buy what they really wanted? Is it because they are just running like fools after money? Are they forgetting that it's not about the gifts alone, you have to also take part in it? Or am I the problem?
Maybe.
The problem is that there is no exact answer, and that is... unnerving. Really unsettling. Was my money craze strong enough to make me this adrift? Have I really worked beyond what I should (and yet I'm running out of money soon...)? But I still like there were good things in this year. I don't understand. I don't feel like I destroyed things like that. Indeed I got worried about money much more than anytime before, but... there were good moments!
There was the whole trip to Japan, you can't take dreams away like that. There was the game trophy. There was the beginning of the relationship on January. There was the graduation.
It didn't pass as a blank year. Yet it feels weird. Because I'm not very happy with my actual job (which is coming to na end so it's okay). But...
I got real tired this year. It was a battle in the dark against... against what? I wanted money to be able to travel with my girlfriend. I really wanted to take her abroad and have a nice time. I wanted money to be able not to worry that much about money in the future. I wanted to be productive so I would feel better. Yet I got a shitload of work to do that did not succeed on reaching the finish line. I failed people.
Have I failed myself?
I don't know. I'm still trying, that's the new game this new year right? Focus on our projects, and then even if I fail, I can go to the backup plans. And it's never over, we can still slowly work through the free hours we get.
I still feel this dreaded cold.
Maybe I can't be the success I want to be, and also the man I wanted to be for her, and also the friend I wanted them to have... but what comes after I decide to admit that? Do I lose?
Maybe I just need some time to relax.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking for a while before the New Game + starts.
I hate maybe's.
Yet I loved the first time I heard she saying "tanjoubi" for the first time. She will probably never understand what was the magic of it. And I probably will never be able to explain the absolutely cute moment it became, her face, her voice, her pose.
I loved winning that trophy. For it was the first victory of the chain of dreams. And maybe someday, it grows as strong as the dreaded chain.
I loved the moments she showed up without further notice. Even if it didn't turn out well because I couldn't see her.
I loved Japan. It was the most insanely cool travel I've done. Someday I'll get back there.
I am lost.
And I am afraid Christmas might not come for me this year.
When I should actually be afraid I did not come for Christmas this year.
And I'm almost sure now the answer lies within them. Perhaps I need these people around.
Perhaps I need a hug and a bit of silence, the one that makes us rest our heads somewhere and stop trying to prepare for whatever hells that might come.
Perhaps stopping is Christmas.
And if you've come thus far, I wish you a merry one. Even if I ain't not even close on the road for it. But you might be.


After all, all it takes is one who believes.