Holding hands in hell, part 2

I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! SCUM! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
You know, I used to be afraid of you.
OH REALLY?! THEN COME HERE, I'LL TEAR YOU DOWN!
I thought you were evil.
STOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT!
You stop it first, come kill me then. If you really want to do it.
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!


WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE?!
Because each hit you land me is weaker. You can keep on bashing me. At first it really hurt, you noticed it. And I noticed something in you got scared. Even though your eyes are red and your face and words are gross now...
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
...even though you've given up yourself and embraced hatred, I knew that there was still something good in you!
SHUT UP!!!!!
I can almost feel your tears as you hit me. I know it hurts you too. You don't need to do this!
YOU...


Looks like things were converging for this moment. I feel somewhat wrecked now, it's strange how we think differently about things when they're spoken by others. I feel tired of raging again and again... it's not like my normal hatred, it's aimless...
While I can't discharge it anywhere, it will explode at me.
I'm tired, and the day just started...
I'm afraid of never being able to achieve happiness. Because I feel like I can't really relate to people, as if they were different, distant.
But.
That doesn't mean I can deny the efforts of those around me. Even though they can't be what I expected friends would be, I can't deny they are at least trying.
This is not new though. As always, a cycle is just repeating itself. Happened before, may happen later. The changes weren't enough, but that's not how it ends. It can't be.
But I admit now, this is the time I need most company. Even though I'll deny it later, and get back to rage status. Perhaps that's a way of choosing, setting who is good company and who isn't. Those who persist shall be rewarded. I can assure them of that, because I know I can be good when I want to.
Seems like a part of me feels horrible when I say these words.
Just hold my hand until nightmare is over.
Someone, anyone. Please, help.