Light and Darkness, part 3

It seems like this is the end of the road.
I wish it could be easier to get what I feel, well, maybe it's just better this way. This may be just a coincidence, but there's a lot of relationships crumbling around now. That's what I fear, that's what I use to haunt me, so I can keep myself scared and offer shelter, and then hold me as my own prisoner, prisoner of this false security room I created.
In the end it just happens that I am the child disguising in this body, hiding from the darkness I cast around as my mind. I am the silent darkness and also the dimming light, in an endless pursuit that I don't know if should end, but is now confused with the bright light that still watches all that goes by.
Risks... I've made an entire system that works in a way to prevent me from taking risks... and as of now, I'm not sure if that was a bad thing.
There's a multitude of things I buried. For the best, I said. Once again, bruising to save.
It was a long walk and this is still shrieking in my head, they say you have to be damn strong to admit your weaknesses. I was once told I was strong, I wish I could feel it was true. As I wish I could trust someone and know that I'm also trusted. As a girl on the roof once said, someone who gives you good morning when you wake up and good night when you go to sleep, without any kind of obligation. Someone to hug without thinking about anything else that happens around, someone that passes the hand through your hair and makes you calm, and isn't afraid of all the evil things you carry inside, because for this one person you can control it. Someone for whom you could make the most gigantic effort and if you managed to get one sincere smile, at least one, then it was worth it all. There's no words that can express what calmness these thoughts induce. As there's nothing that can said or written, that describes how does it feel to be in a dark afternoon, in silence, watching the rain fall, together.
I can't really tell what love is, to me, the me that aims for safety, it feels more like a need to have a slave, someone who does everything to make you happy, I can't lie and say I never thought about it like that, but then comes these images of also trying to do the best I can for this one person, even if I have to dig really deep in order to find something worthy of being offered.
There's this dreamy side that says that perhaps it's trying to look at the stars and feeling that the other person is also there, like those stars could connect both through their eyes.
Or, doing whatever you can in order to make that person happy, even if it doesn't get back to you. I'm not sure on this one, it hurts like hell...
It's sad to see that at the end of our roads, we haven't found our answers.
And piece by piece, the powers that be try to rebuild their defenses...