In your doom

I would like to write about two things, I believe. But I'm not that much in the mood to create a whole story about these things. And maybe there aren't two of them.
I don't know. This day has began strangely. Maybe like every other day, who cares.
But it's not a bad day, just different.
I wonder... I need more tolerance to failure, that would help. Albeit not being that sad because of yesterday anyway.
Have you ever felt like the world is nothing but a giant whirlpool, slowly dragging you down? And down there we have something with enormous teeth... something like Charybdis perhaps. Or maybe there's just darkness down there, some kind of being made of void who just wants more darkness, and we humans, are full of it.
Misery loves company, that's what comes to the mind.
I wonder about the image that frequently comes to me, someone walking toward me, as if it had just came out of a fire, or, something disastrous. Maybe wanting revenge, it survived through hell and now wants it's reward, whatever that is. Sometimes it comes with a baseball bat in one hand, holding it behind his head, sometimes with an axe...
But that's not the point. Though I really would like to be able to share these images that appear in my mind, but I'm just not good in describing it.
I would like to hug her, that is, if she still needs it.
I was thinking on abandonment. During life that's one of our inherent abilities, abandoning people and things. It's not bad, sometimes can be used for good, but that's some activity we execute unconsciously. Some can stop it, or try to amend the situation, but all in all, it's not a thing people should feel so guilty about. It's a part of us, and if we drown into guilt, it will continue. We are made of these bad things.
Maybe our job is to go around amending things. Who knows. I like to think that even though evil may live inside of me, I can still do something good. It will never be enough though. But there's nothing holding me from trying, and if I succeed, I would have then defeated the odds that command this wacky world. And, oh well, I was born to fight against odds that stack and shouldn't be battled. But I've bought this fight, I've never liked to be human anyway.
Then I ask, who... or what, am I?
I'm not very sure, I'm just aware my mind keeps repeating "darkness loves you".
Don't tell me I'm a good person, that's a waste of effort.
I'm descending into madness I suppose, but that's okay. I was once I told I looked like a ''japanese cartoon character''. It looked nice I suppose. Maybe because I'm a bit looney. Maybe I was born as a lunatic, so I go around doing things that don't make complete sense. Creating my world that obeys no logical rules, because it looks better.
We need to stop.


I dare you try. Touch me and I'll eat your guts.

Unsuccesful experiment

It was just too easy to be true...
But in the end, we did not come back, perhaps because this is not the real end. I don't really know what came back, instead of a cured me, something sicker showed up. Instead of solving the problem we created a bigger one we have no idea how to deal with...
Perhaps because we didn't know how to deal with the initial problem, we didn't know what since the start. Like being fifteen years old again... with a problem off the scale.
But instead of something that's made of concentrated hatred, there's a chance we're dealing with some other thing, that disguises itself behind all this rage. Actually, it doesn't really matter, I just don't think I can keep the appearances for much longer. It's a shame, because they really believe I have came back. As I promised I would return. But you know what? Something in here says it doesn't really matter. Perhaps nothing matters at all.
But I'm not a menace to those around me. I'll just drive them away within time. I hate all this.
I hate this emptiness. I hate this despair that walks with me everywhere. I hate people talking to me when I'm among my thoughts. I hate people trying to get my attention, if I actually cared about whatever the fuck are you doing, I would give attention from the beginning. I hate not being able to sleep normally. I hate waking up tired. In some way, I hate sleeping. I hate not being able to forget what I'd rather forget like every normal person. I hate the fact that none of the help you can give me will work. I hate waiting for one who can help. I hate bothering people with this shit. I hate noisy people. I hate hope. I hate not being able to destroy those around me. Sometimes I hate being different. I hate this urge to cry. I hate this desire for one who can hold me and make it all go away. I hate.


Please make me sleep.

Cheers

Everything aside.
So, we are already past half of my stay. Me and me in a paradise still not so much affected by corruption, or humanity, whatever you call it.
Sometimes we have to be alone to be together. You know, no one entering the door. No one to tell you when to wake up or sleep, that's up to you. Only works if you can discipline yourself though. It's one hell of an experiment.
Though I know there are some odds involved, but those are not the real focus of it.
The focus, is hatred.
I wonder, everyone must have a bit of it inside. I guess it's normal, like a little pet we have to tame. An evil pet. To some, it may be a dog that refuses to obey, maybe some ill-tempered cat. To others, it's more like a monstrous grizzly bear or a giant snake. Hard to control or to know when will it attack, though you know the consequences shall be disastrous.
It's interesting to actually note your thoughts. If you come to think of it, most of our thoughts just pass as simple thoughts, because, well, that's what they are in fact. But, sometimes you can find something analysing them.
In an abstract way, you can see what really hides inside, if it's a dog or a crocodile. Or worse. But then again, what it is doesn't really matter. In remote times, we used to talk about it, as something somewhat simple. You can control it, but, do you WANT to control it? The answer is no, as I stated before. Saying that I did want to have it asleep forever would be a lie since sometimes it feels good to feel it.
I'm getting a bit lost in my thoughts.
So, this travel had a bunch of motivations, some would be called legitimate, others not. I suppose not all motivations shall be taken seriously to it's very end, but that's something we already had prepared ourselves for.
It's strange because sometimes I think about things that reveal that harsh feeling that hides behind a dozen of layers. And it seems like something new because I can get to know what makes me hate, but when I think about it, I knew it all the time. But being in a place like this, I feel strangely calm, even though I don't actually feel completely at home, which is not very much of a new since I mostly don't feel at home everywhere I go most of the time (home included). Of course, this place is awesome, it feels easier to look at the bright side.
Some curious thing is that I'm having deep nightmares every night over here. Not the kind of thing that bother me actually, I'm pretty much used to it. But I find it curious indeed, to have such bad dreams in such a paradise. The days are awesome, it's cold, and a bit desert over here. Maybe it's just my head, thinking and forcing things.
I believe things will get better after this experiment.
It's funny, I can be anyone I am. Be it on stupid moments or just being cold and ghostly. What I can't be fully be when there's people around. This last sentence is a bit weird because taking it seriously, the people over here, the ones I don't know, would not be considered people. It's not like that, but I guess you can figure out the real meaning of it.
It's a bit sad when I think it's halfway to ending. Just like a dream, it ends. But that's okay, I can live with it.
In fact, it's a bit anything when I think about it. There's still this feeling of lacking a part of me, but it seems way easier to handle it. I hope it stays the same when it's over. For now, it's just my white grape juice, me and the cold night howling at us.
Which doesn't mean I dislike some people, of course.
But white grape juice is made of win, and if I had people around to share it, then I probably wouldn't have that much of me.

Someone to turn on the lights

I'm just... just standing here...
I see you sleeping, you look so distant, but that's not the worst. I can handle your distance, as long as you're fine. But you look sad, it's like you're into an endless nightmare, engulfed in an eternal darkness... it can be seen, just by looking at your face for a while. And I've been here for a long while...

Then why don't you just wake me up?

...And I wonder, if maybe that's not just too selfish of me. I'm afraid of what could happen if I woke you up... I'm afraid you'll be angry at me, it's almost like I could hear you screaming at me... and a part of me knows it's not real, because I can only guess how would you react, and guessing does not turn things into reality, but the mere thought of it shatters me...

It's too dark in here.

Some days I get the feeling it's getting easier to deal with it, I can live with this. Only seeing you there, assured you'll never know who I am. Perhaps it's better this way. But it doesn't last much... but, but I can guarantee you that, nothing will happen to you while you sleep, I'll be guarding you for as long as I live...

I'm still sleeping...

...Because, maybe, it was your decision... I'm afraid to bring you back into this world only to discover that you preferred this darkness, maybe reality was worse for you, maybe it brought you more suffering than your sleep. I, I really don't know, and I'm too hurt already to go further and discover the truth... but, if that's the case, then I can understand you, I really can. And, in case someday you wake up, I will do whatever I can to make this world less depressing for you, I can give you a good morning every day you get up and a good night everytime your eyes get to close when the moon is up there shining to us. I will do my best to at least help you pretend this is just another long dream, and that you're not really in the real world. Whatever you need, I'll be there.
I promise.

Just promise to take me outta here.

I'm sorry... but, if you want to come back, please, please, just give a sign, any sign. Anything...

Unstability

Why are we so unstable?
We, are different.
Huh, fine.


Shoot 'em down! All of them!
We'll be shooting sir, real soon...
I can't even wait. Can we use machineguns?
Any gun you want sir, any gun you want!
Haha, I remember the snow, DO YOU REMEMBER THE SNOW?!
I sure as heck do.
This anxiety is killing me, when do we start?
When it's ready.


FUCK!
...
Not even Painkiller can play now, what the fuck is wrong with all this shit?
I don't know, maybe, we... should get something else to do.
Something else? SOMETHING ELSE?!
...Yep...
There's not SOMETHING ELSE. I just want to play my simple game shooting my simple monsters, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
Nothing sir, it's just that, well, it looks like we are having a few problems trying to install it...
Fucking hell.


I think... we need to create more adrenaline.
More?
Yeah, we need more energy.
Hm...
What do you think?
I guess it could be useful. And, we can create anyway.
Gotta use our powers right?
Yeah, most people can't do it. That's just how unique we are, ain't I right? Who can say they can create their own energy?
Heh, if you look at it positively, that's about it.
We'll never get tired or sad as long as we have it under control!
Yep.


You think this is going to be a long night also?
Well, gotta be prepared for everything, right? Mostly if it's something very likely to happen, so, yeah.
Hm... I feel a bit bored.
Get used to it then.


The temperature is going down...
Yep.
I'm still bored, you think we'll have some snow today?
...


Why do we create these stupid songs?
Ah, we've got to create something sometimes...
I see.


These people that have dreams... how do they do it?
I don't know. Maybe they are... magical.
Hm... I'm dizzy.


So, we can't play. Fine.

Sun with C and H

It was past 5:30 a.m., he had just parked the car somewhere nearby the airport. There were cars everywhere, they found it amusing since most of those cars were owned by people travelling, meaning they just left their car there, unprotected for days... maybe weeks.
The car parked at their left made H scream, there was someone sleeping inside it. At the backseat, a white sheet had just risen, as she saw through the window. After a few laughs, they got to the conclusion it was just some random woman sleeping inside the car. Weird.
The three got out of the car, and began their walk to the airport, it was cold, though he didn't feel that much cold. His hands were freezing but that didn't bother him, somehow it didn't feel as cold as the two girls felt it was. Or, as the rest of the city felt.
They were then, pretty close to the climax of their morning journey, they roamed through the city while waiting for the hours to pass, counting on the vision they would have at 6 a.m.
The car after all wasn't that far from the airport, he thought they would have to walk a lot to get there. But, it took just a few minutes, and they were inside it. The big building with glass walls that allowed those at the last floor to see the airplanes arriving, coming down from a pitch black sky.
C was sleepy, she had been dozing inside the car most of the time since they left their friend's house. H was awake, a bit affected by the hours but still showing some energy. He, he was just tired, but nothing unusual.
It was just them, the security and the maintenance people inside. No other visitors would go there at that time, and that felt even better.
And so, they waited. And waited. These last minutes seemed longer than the hours they past before, roaming from place to place. Until C asked if the sky was really getting green, and it wasn't just her mind playing tricks on her because of the wee hours. It was really starting.
H prepared her camera, the two girls got up, they were sitting in the cold bench near the windows. As they spoke, standing near the windows, the sky changed. The reflection at the glass that blocked most of the vision of what was out there slowly faded. The green stain grew above the horizon, rising more and more. As the time past, more colors came to fill the big emptiness that once reigned above all land. It got purple, orange, light blue, and a lot more of variations that the girls could note, but for him, it was just a bunch of beautiful colors predicting what would come next.
As the sky got a light blue tone that could be seen pretty much everywhere, leaving some clouds to be spotted at the sky of this new day, their anxiety grew. The girls were taking some photos, some of the sky, some of themselves, he stood there, with his elbows on the holder that separated them from the windows, thinking...
C said once that he was too silent, that bothered her, but there wasn't much he could say, he was just there, wondering about life. H would sometimes ask him what was he thinking about, but he didn't like to talk about these things, so he would just get some general use answer to avoid further questions.
It was strange, a part of him was happy. Vibrant, since it had been long before he had company through such time of the day. And it had been fun. But, another part was a big confusion of bad feeling and thoughts. And confusion always finds a way of turning the good part into something blurred, not bad, just... blurred.
While watching the last minutes of wait, C said that the problems seemed to dim as the sky got into a brighter blue. He wondered about it, in part, it was really true. H asked if they could make a wish, each one of them. At first the other two found it a bit weird but, why not? And so, each one of them, silently made one wish for what was coming next, H took a bit longer since her wish wasn't only for her. That was a curious statement, and nice also.
Not long after that, it showed up. Rising from behind a big tree that could be seen at a distance, the sun appeared. It was bigger than the ordinary sun you get to see during common hours, it was easier to look at it, and it was amazing. The three stood there looking at it, C complained of her photosensitivity, but kept looking.
After some minutes admiring the sun that went above in the sky, they got to some restaurant to get hot chocolate, that would be their breakfast. As the sun illuminated the area with that light that can only be seen during early mornings.


It was just one day. It was today.
Thanks, girls.

Somewhere happy

So, I can only tell you that it does not exist.
But it does. There certainly is a place where you can be happy. Where there won't be people to bother you, and you can enjoy being with yourself. It looks lonely if you look at it with skeptic eyes but, I can assure you that it's better than it sounds. Way better.
The thing is, it exists, partially.
But, you can never go there... because, that's the place where human contact cannot harm you. And, you are already tainted with it, so, reaching it would annihilate the whole place and it would then become a place like every other.
But, at least, getting close to it makes you feel already better, so, just by trying to get there you can already enjoy. It's like, one of those invisible force fields that make those funny noises and blue effects when you get too close, and it blocks you. But you already feel good by being close, and then you try to get closer to feel even better, and you can, but you should never, ever, break the force field and actually get there, not like you could, anyway.
For some people it may work, I guess. For those who can never feel satisfied, like me, I guess it wouldn't help. So, I'm staying in touch with the real world, with people. Though I'm better alone.
Is there anyone out there wanting to merge forces in a death squad?
Just wondering...
I wonder, does anyone else out there see things as I see? Like, you're walking through the place you always walk, like your university, then it's night and a very common place looks like it's just gotten out of a movie or something like that? It's nice... people should try to look at dumb special locations more often.
I want to give people scars.
Hug me and I'll kill you, I really will... I will...