Raging, part 1

Is there anyone there?
I guess... not.
I guess... I don't know what do I guess... I have to thank those special people that are on my side even with me being so... me. I like them very much and I enjoy their company, but... it just feels like they are not enough.
I don't like these thoughts, they look so selfish and... it's like being ungrateful when you have great people around you. And some are trying, but they just don't know what exactly to do...
I have the feeling that no one can help me, even if they actually wanted to. And I don't feel like most of them actually want to help, they just speak... that's all they do. But there's those few who try, and even though I know they cannot do what I expect them to, they are trying, the way they can. It's just that I expected... more. I expected them to sacrifice as I sacrifice for people. That's the truth. I would like to find someone out there that would really be willing to worry about me before worrying about themselves. It's selfish? For sure. But it's also a reward. Because I can do that, and I did that already, and I don't feel like they would do that for me. For many reasons, the major one being that you should first take care of yourself before setting to take care of others.
Gotta love yourself first.
But I just WANTED TO FEEL this sensation of having someone there, for me, unconditionally.
I treat this as a failure, some kind of disease in my creation. This... need of someone else standing for me. It sucks. Because it's too much, it's beyond what I can expect people to do. Beyond what is healthy.
I admit, I am sad.
It's not right to do good things expecting people to return those favors to you, but...
Aw, fuck it. At least, it seems like things are changing, perhaps for better. Let's just see where will hatred led us to.


But I really feel like all I wanted now was to have someone to make me sleep, as if time was absolutely a mere detail...