Kind words

stop using such tricKs, it is already known to be just illusIon, we believed before, we got close, we tried to help, to be good, and then deceptioN began.
they have betrayed us before, using the same olD words.
it was dreaDful at first, felt like it was somehow our fault.
it's just nonseNse, you knew it all the way, but it was easier for you to simply go on and create hope.
do not try to beguilE us again, don't show it, it is just lieS.
do not use it, it is groSs.

Raging, part 5

Scarburough tried to kill me...
He wasn't the only one.
What d-do you mean...?
It's been a while since you've been useful...
What?!
We don't need you here anymore. You are now a possible betrayer, useless now. You're a burden, and we gotta ged rid of burdens.
I thought we were together in this battle!
Rules change.


How does it feel to have those close you turning the back at you?
Like life should feel...
Does it hurt more when they stab you?
It is so much pain that it doesn't even hurt. It makes you immune to such harm. But why are you asking?
Because I have never seen you like this.
And, when you saw me before, what did I look like?
You were, like this, but... there was something different. Your eyes, they did show something, even though everything else tried to take us down. I just knew that I could look at those eyes and get the hope to keep on moving on...
Oh, such words.
And now they look like an abyss, trying to take all they can from those that look at them.
Does it scare you?
A bit.
Oh.
And you also look so... cold.
Let's get straight to the topic.
Sure.
I want the location of Scarburough, and the whole gang. Even if they have disbanded, I want each location.
I'm afraid I don't have it...
Then I guess there are worse things to be afraid of my dear...


You killed her!
...
You killed the only person that stood by you the whole time!
I'm just playing by the rules.
WHAT RULES?!
The ones that make the world go on.
You're just doing the same things they've done!
How clever...
She had no fault! If you want revenge, you should take it on those who deserve it!
I'm just passing it ahead. Don't worry, their time will come.
...
And so will yours.
What, you're going to kill me also?!
So clever...


Once there's no one left, there won't be anyone to hurt us.
We are alone, we are one.

Raging, part 4

I feel like I have nothing to say. Still, I don't want to sleep, I want to stay awake, I want to stay in here. Can you talk to me please? It's easier when there's someone to talk to me.
I feel weird.
Too many thoughts. Never trust people, they lie. Never tell them the truth, they don't care, they don't like it.
There was once a boy, in fact, tere was once a lot of people. This place used to be pretty, and if not pretty, it at least used to be somewhat charming in its own way. Fierce perhaps, but good to live. There used to be hope. There used to be action. Now all we have are ghosts from the past, fighting each other forever. Fighting for nothing. Defense mechanisms have been activated, but to defend us from... what? And there's nothing to protect.
It can be said that their extinction was just the next step of evolution. Things change, because they have to change, and in order to get someting new, you must dispose of something old. This whole place was disposed, thrashed. I have doubts regarding whether the change was for good. But I dare not say it in front of the powers that be, I don't want to be obliterated. Some could say I'm a coward. I don't deny it. But I'm the coward who knows what has happened in here, and perhaps the only coward alive that can avenge this place.
Revenge never stops.
Never.


Or... is there someone out there to stop me now?

Whispers

Well, I was sleeping. A bit. Ok, I know that I don't sleep much.
But I feel weird, most of the times, I wake up angry. Because most of the time I hate sleeping, feels like a waste of time, a waste of useful time in which I could be doing something useful. I just don't know exactly what. But I'm not feeling angry right now, I'm just... numb.
For sure, it won't last. And I've gotta sleep better today, at all costs.
And my head feels a bit empty. I don't feel like writing about hatred in here, though I don't know what exactly should I write about. If I'm unable to feel anger, then I'd rather not feel anything at all.
I remember a question. What were my hopes... I always feel like I don't know how to answer these questions. All too abstract, too... easy to answer wrongly. At least that's what I feel, even when I think that these questions don't have right or wrong answers, as long as you answer what you feel toward what was asked. But I don't know, I still feel that way. As if I couldn't feel like others felt...
Perhaps the problem is that I think too much and I try to consider all possibilities, thus I can never answer these things surely, confident that I'm doing it right. It's strange...
Somedays I feel like I'm an abomination, something that just can't fit to the normal world. But then again, that's stupid, let's move on.
I'd rather have someone to tell me where should I move on to... I'll try my best to obey.
Man... I just hate too feel slow like this. Without all the hating it feels like there's space for fear...


You know what I want, like, right now?
What?
To gather nice people, get a car, and just hit the road, heading for... anywhere. As long as there is at least someone out there with me.
Is it feasible?
I'm not very sure.
Then we can try.

Raging, part 3

I say you had better leave.
Leave? Why should I leave?
Because, you are not welcome here.
And where could I possibly be welcome?
In hell, perhaps.


It's no closed secret that I hate sundays. For some unknown reason, it's the day in which it's hardest to sleep. It's also the day when everyone seems to be dead and bored, there's nothing to do. And people love to say that it's a day to relax... crap, that's foolishness, they're all lazy. Gotta hate those lazy bastards.
I feel like tearing people apart, and also like asking to rest my head at a girl's lap, until I sleep and this day comes to an end. These contradictions are making me insane.
I wonder, is it possible to get someone to give me a baseball bat? I can buy one, but I wanted someone to give it to me. Like a passport to break things. Though it can also be considered a sign of trust. As in, the person gives me a baseball bat, knowing that it can be used to harm things, perhaps in the hope that I won't use it for evil purposes? Perhaps, that's an interesting way of seeing this.
Very interesting.
...Albeit false.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. Everybody's sleeping now, I should be sleeping. I just have this problem, it feels bad to sleep after a day in which you didn't... do anything, awesome. But, what's awesome, right? This world limited us too much...
I wonder why it's easier when there's people believing in us. But I believed in them and it doesn't seem to have had any effect at all... what's wrong in here? It doesn't matter. I'm more concerned now about people telling me not to lie. That's freaking atrocious. WHY SHOULD I NOT LIE? WILL YOU QUIT LYING? I doubt so. I dare someone to come in here and show me they can not lie at all, not even a SINGLE lie. Fucking liars. The next one gets a bullet. Not to lie... I can, can you? Doubt so...
Doubt so...


A thousand needles if you lie...

Raging, part 2

When will this end?
I don't know. But why would you like it to end? It will start again anyway.
It would be good, even if it doesn't take long between ending and starting again.
Why don't you just die?
I don't know, I guess it's because even after all your attempts at becoming a machine, or becoming someone despicable and lost in hatred, we still have hope.
Hope...
Yeah, and don't pretend you don't have that.
Go to hell.


You see, we are different.
How does it feel, being different?
It feels... I don't know, I don't know how does it feel being the same.
And what is the point of being different?
You can... be yourself...?
And why is that good?
Because, you don't need to obey what others say you have to do.
But you still ending on doing those things right?
Right... well... sometimes you have to...
And... you feel weird right?
Well, everyone does, sometimes...
And, what do you get, exactly?
You... I don't know.
Well, my point is clear.


I'm losing. But I'm losing in a different way this time. I'm losing with much more effort than I have lost before. I'm aiming at some kind of self destruction. Perhaps that's the right way, the way I can break the cycle. But I just wanted to have someone to do stupid things and at the end of the day lie at the grass and look at the sky.
I don't know, I can't stop these contradictions, because at the same time I want to be alone and get the means to destroy all those nearby. I'm getting more targets to hate. I guess that's good.
Can you help me find something to target my hatred so it forgets me? Can you give me a baseball bat? Can you make me sleep?
We are all too scared, deep down...
I just hate you all.

Raging, part 1

Is there anyone there?
I guess... not.
I guess... I don't know what do I guess... I have to thank those special people that are on my side even with me being so... me. I like them very much and I enjoy their company, but... it just feels like they are not enough.
I don't like these thoughts, they look so selfish and... it's like being ungrateful when you have great people around you. And some are trying, but they just don't know what exactly to do...
I have the feeling that no one can help me, even if they actually wanted to. And I don't feel like most of them actually want to help, they just speak... that's all they do. But there's those few who try, and even though I know they cannot do what I expect them to, they are trying, the way they can. It's just that I expected... more. I expected them to sacrifice as I sacrifice for people. That's the truth. I would like to find someone out there that would really be willing to worry about me before worrying about themselves. It's selfish? For sure. But it's also a reward. Because I can do that, and I did that already, and I don't feel like they would do that for me. For many reasons, the major one being that you should first take care of yourself before setting to take care of others.
Gotta love yourself first.
But I just WANTED TO FEEL this sensation of having someone there, for me, unconditionally.
I treat this as a failure, some kind of disease in my creation. This... need of someone else standing for me. It sucks. Because it's too much, it's beyond what I can expect people to do. Beyond what is healthy.
I admit, I am sad.
It's not right to do good things expecting people to return those favors to you, but...
Aw, fuck it. At least, it seems like things are changing, perhaps for better. Let's just see where will hatred led us to.


But I really feel like all I wanted now was to have someone to make me sleep, as if time was absolutely a mere detail...