Stars

And in violins and keyboards and strange objects which I can't really recognize, yet I know the sound, it goes.
I can't really say how I feel about all that, it seems so... small, simple, and yet so powerful. As finishing a quest that opens the world map. Guess that's the closest I can get to it. So much to do...
I can't really tell much of it for it is a mess in my head, but I'd like to thank everyone involved. Guess that if you are, or were at some point in these six years, my friend and had the slightest relation to anything regarding the university, you have a share in the thanks. I'd like to thank you all.
Probably a large part of the ending was motivated by you. As after all, in the end we are already too lost, and disbelief starts to unveil. There's no more reason to continue, since you are already far from where you should have started. But, even though there's no more room for battling, you can't simply let it go. So, we go on, for them. For you, in case. No army lives without its soldiers.
This boy is happy.

For the other, smaller part, I did this for gaming. As something that makes sense for me, and perhaps for me alone. If I finished it, there would be no more barriers to make me avoid playing. All those moments I missed from all these games I've seen. I had to honor it. Since, for the most part of my life, they guided me.

And as a last, out of this world consideration, to one specific being, who perhaps would not understand it like this. You, over there, among the stars, are you proud of me now?

In the Valley of Light

Como já está bem definido, faltam poucos dias para o grande fim do semestre de 6 meses. Sim, esse foi o primeiro semestre que durou realmente 6 meses de estudo. Valendo... tudo, eu acho?
Por muito tempo eu simplesmente acreditei que sim, porque seria essa a razão de ter entrado lá, sair de lá. Mesmo que no fim das contas a entrada foi pela porta próxima a porta certa, considerando que a porta certa foi descoberta.
É legal ver os relatos das pessoas em situações semelhantes. É assustador que no final parece que tudo se resume a uma busca imediata por dinheiro. Uma pena. Nada contra o sistema nem nada, não é essa minha questão, eu sempre adorei dinheiro. Acumular moedinhas, e talvez no futuro houvesse uma piscina como a do Tio Patinhas.
Mas é estranho pensar em olhar pra trás e ter confiança, eu não sinto que houve um grande amadurecimento nessa época. E não dá mais pra ficar falando frases animadoras e enérgicas, no momento isso já seria hipocrisia. Uma hora você acaba chegando na etapa em que não importa mais. Você continua fazendo o que tem que fazer porque você tem que fazer, that's about it. Não há tristeza e vontade de desistir, assim como não há mais aquela animação de vários personagens se ajudando dentro da sua cabeça. Talvez não haja mais nada. Nada de desistências, no entanto, pois ainda há a esperança de um tanto de coisas que podem ser feitas depois do grande final, se for realmente o final. Dá medo também em pensar nas coisas a fazer porque talvez não dê pra fazer tudo, mas é melhor do que não fazer nada, pode ser... que traga uma espécie de iluminação. Admiro essas pessoas que se esforçam, mas eu ainda sinto que não sou bom em nada. Tudo o que eu faço qualquer pessoa que desprenda um pouco do seu tempo poderia fazer, não fui um bom aluno na universidade. Na verdade, eu diria que fui um péssimo aluno, mas o sistema ainda deixa que você vá adiante. Claro, pode ser dito que houve alunos piores, mas aí vale o argumento de "serial killer x matou 33 e é um assassino, eu matei 1, então não sou assassino?'', o que coloca a posição de um péssimo aluno ali, mesmo que existam piores.
Mas e colocando pelo outro lado, porque existiram melhores não significa que não fomos bons, certo? Eu acredito que nesse âmbito não seja bem assim, não devemos nivelar por baixo. Mas foi uma boa tentativa.
Talvez seja só a tensão do final que esteja nos deixando assim. É possível, né? Sei que parece pessimista demais, e que dizem que eu cobro demais às vezes. Mas acredito que não pode ser sempre assim. Sempre chegando no final e dando aquela adrenalina pra correr com tudo que foi atrasado durante boa parte do tempo disponível. E sempre se safando no final. Não pode ser sempre assim. Uma hora o jogo vira contra você. Acredito que deva virar, pois não somos queridinhos do destino. Não sei se ele tem queridinhos, mas não somos nós. E provavelmente se você acredita que você é, provavelmente não é.


At least, we won't turn back. We may not run anymore, we may not even walk ahead. But we'll stand still. We'll hold ground until we can't do that, because we ain't turning back.
Sing, dance, eat, shout, do it all while it last. And the voices keep on screaming as disaster ensues.


I just, don't know if people can see equally. I mean, can they really see this? It's, absolutely gorgeous in a scale not even known to man. And it's here, always. When you get home at around 6 p.m., yet no one seems to realize. Or maybe I'm the one going mad.
But there's no rain, even though the sky seems pretty dark. Perhaps if there was rain it wouldn't be so pretty. All these lights.
Somehow, I feel like wishing to go up our building, just to stay here, closer to the sky watching all the chaos unfold down here.
I can relate that you are still thinking about your work.
I am, and I see these lightnings.
Well, I could say that may the lightning gods have mercy on you, but I guess that's too much of a protection you shouldn't be having by now. So, let's just keep it as, may you be good enough to survive the lightning. The just and the unjust.
Sounds fair.


And walk with me, walk with me through the Valley of Light...

Clockstopper

Have you ever felt as if you had all the guns in the world? Yet at the same time, no gun in the world could help you?
It's this funny.
A lot of things just float around in my head, yet I'm here. Supposedly doing my job. I ain't doing no job, don't feel like I am. Sometimes you just wake up weird I guess. What are we lacking?
Maybe we are just lacking the end of our final project, or perhaps the beginning, and also what comes between those two. I don't know.
In the mean time, allow me to tell a story. I know I shouldn't but I guess it makes me feel better. And perhaps, it's all about feeling better.


So, there was a boy walking on the side walk. He tripped. And for once, he didn't got up. He stood there with his hands holding the ground, as if something bad would happen in case he let it go. As if the world depended on that, as a great scar on the ground threatened to part the world in two.
Facing the ground as the day passed through him. As people walked around, birds flew, the sun shone, his mind dug deeper.


As I see these lights calling me, the colors in the sky when the sun starts to leave us. As I see this world moving, and moving, and moving. There's something wrong. And I don't know what is it.
But it has to stop.

Fire at will

Fear? You think that what roams free around here is fear? Fear is normal, as normal as grass growing below your feet.
This is bellowing despair, my fellow gentlemen, and this time, shit will blow up.


It's almost as if you were defeated. Except for the fact you haven't fought yet.


Knelt down, throat malfunctioning, breathing with effort, heart pounding in pain...
...
They won, I guess.
...
What. A. Shame. *grins*


You know what's worst? The worst part about all this is that I failed those to whom I promised things would get better. I kept all this reward thing as word-only. Doesn't matter how much I could care about failing things in the university or work. And I do care, I know it's important. But I feel I for the most part, failed being a friend. It's not getting better, it's getting a bigger failure, and I'm afraid. Afraid I can't reward them as much as they deserved.
Well, then, it's your lucky turn.
What?
You have the chance of turning the table, taking that bitter taste off your mouth. Winning, and then going to them, to offer their deserved roles in this victory.
I don't think I can do it.
There's two important points in this thing. It's either believing in yourself, or simply taking your words out of the fire. Can't do it for yourself? Do it for them. Prove it's not a defeat. Remember that phrase, you try, you fail, and then you fucking try again, and again, and again, and fail, again, and again. Because life sometimes ain't about winning, but about failing so much better that to everyone else it's a victory.
I just wanted to be as good as them.
As I said, you've just gotten lucky. Now get some blood in these hands, your daily lions aren't going to commit suicide. You have to man up and bring 'em down.


You know what's funny?
What's funny?
Even after all this time, you still come all this way to help me.
When things start to get so bad even a lord of hell can't sleep, the least you have to do is be there, even if crumble together is all you get to do.
I told you I'm not a lord of hell.
Then you really need help, because even those have already lost the ability to sleep.


And soon night falls over the front.
Night is good.

A grieving burden

It's sad to be the bringer of bad news, isn't it?
It is, indeed. But... at least it gives some sort of advantage.
Advantage?
Well, follow my train of thought. You are the one with the burden of telling the bad news, therefore, others do not know them. That gives you an advantage point.
But it doesn't matter, they are still bad news and I know they will be sad when they hear it, well, even I will.
Yeah... but at least you have some time to think about how you're going to bring it.
I'm not a very good grief reliever, I'd rather just bomb it down. That's how I prefer to receive bad news.
To each his own, I guess.

But I remember you were quite happy early this day.
I was, it's funny how waking up early on a cold sunny day lifts the spirits.
Is it fair for one bad notice to put it all at risk?
Well, it is quite a bad one.
Then it may be fair.
I guess it is.
But I'd like you to remember one thing you used to say to yourself.
Which is?
You can mourn over a sad happening, but only once.
What if this one time mourning takes a long time?
Up to you.
This sucks.
Indeed. But it is not carved into stone, sooner or later, it goes away.
But I don't know what to say, you can't deny the existence of a bad entity after it's said.
I know, but you gotta try. If there is something you ought to already have known is that people can take it. Perhaps that is one of the few perks of being an adult, you get to know bad things aren't forever. Well, I dunno. I just wanted to help you out somehow boy, but it is really up to you.
I know. But it's sad still.
As sad as it may be, it can't stop time. Also, the sky is still there for us, remember that. Fear not what may happen if you speak in times like these, as long as you do it willing for the best. Fear not trying to go through. Then it stops. And you stop, again.
Heh...

Also, you have a story about a father and his son to write.
But I also got work to do.
To each his own.

Support fire, part 1

And I can smell the same pitiful scent of loss from your soul.
Perhaps what you smell is your own fear. Ever thought about it?
Insolent fool... How dare you talk like this to me?
It's simple...
Simple? I see. You're trying to keep your spirit by lying to yourself. You'll share the same fate as your friend.
Will I? And what proof do you have that you have killed him? You're nothing more than a lie rebuilding itself in order to tackle on people's fears.
What?!
As far as we know, he disappeared...
I KILLED HIM!
Prove!
THIS IS THE PROOF!
...
Anything familiar in this locket?
...
You will rot... Just like him...


You said it was feasible, you said I could do it!
And I meant it!
But you lied...!
When did I lie?
You said he wasn't killed!
He wasn't...
Falz has the locket, he killed him.
What does that prove?!
Where else would he get that locket?!
I don't know.
...!


It's strange to fight against the fear of failing.
Very strange indeed. Perhaps the few words of help we can actually hear are the ones we magically imbue.
I don't know what are yours, but I can only repeat in my head "Come out swinging!".
And boy does it work.

I can see the rails

Enjoy your stay.

I wonder whether they say that before locking you in jail. Maybe if they are in a sadist mood. It's a bit sad when things seem to strive against their original plans. But that's not the thing. The thing is I am still behind in the organization aspect. I haven't even paid attention to the resolutions I made for last year, not even to mention the new resolutions. But I'm aware of it.
I guess being aware of things is a first step. Although being ever so conscious of things can be quite dangerous. It makes you think, it makes you count every detail of what is going on, what has already past and what will perhaps come to play. And that quite sucks sometimes. Being conscious that you are perhaps doing something out of laziness or something else. You know, when you feel like you know why you're doing something but you prefer to tell yourself that you are not. You're just, doing something, like normal people do. It may be wrong, or right, but you're doing, for the sake of it.
I don't think that made itself pretty clear.
I wonder if our essence is really something important. As in, I'm vengeful, and pretty much of an angry child. Ever since I can remember, although in the past I could, every now and then, explode. I guess that's me, well, part of it, that's not the big picture but a relevant part of it.
I don't know exactly why am I thinking this ''who we are'' thing. Perhaps because of Daytripper. I guess I really have got to read more.

Foul ball, haha.