What we love?

I guess it's common to feel uneasy at this time of the year. Many have felt strange about Christmas in the past, and many will fell like that in the future. I'm having a hard time trying to understand what feels so strange this time around. It is almost like, there isn't Christmas...
It's funny because it is a man-made thing. But it is a man-made thing that becomes slowly part of us who take part in it. Funny to think that there are people that do not celebrate it. You get to question yourself, is it really importante to celebrate it? Probably not from the logical point of view. Who knows...
Perhaps it feels good to participate because deep down we just want to believe that during these days things are really going to get better and calm, and that somehow people love each other, or least tolerate themselves (which they should do during their entire lives, but...). Perhaps it is all about believing. Well, not just believing, since you have to take part. You have to act. There is no Christmas if there is no one there to say "Merry Christmas!", however they get to say it. Generally, if they are saying it with a belief that there is indeed something merry, it works. Unless you are truly closed.
I don't understand. What is wrong? What is lacking? The tree is there. All the decoration is present. The malls are decorated, there are houses with decorations. Yet everything feels rushed and ''Un-Christmas". I get to think about the cliché points that brought up in these times. Is it because people are just running around buying whatever gifts they can? And everything is so damn over-priced that they can't buy what they really wanted? Is it because they are just running like fools after money? Are they forgetting that it's not about the gifts alone, you have to also take part in it? Or am I the problem?
Maybe.
The problem is that there is no exact answer, and that is... unnerving. Really unsettling. Was my money craze strong enough to make me this adrift? Have I really worked beyond what I should (and yet I'm running out of money soon...)? But I still like there were good things in this year. I don't understand. I don't feel like I destroyed things like that. Indeed I got worried about money much more than anytime before, but... there were good moments!
There was the whole trip to Japan, you can't take dreams away like that. There was the game trophy. There was the beginning of the relationship on January. There was the graduation.
It didn't pass as a blank year. Yet it feels weird. Because I'm not very happy with my actual job (which is coming to na end so it's okay). But...
I got real tired this year. It was a battle in the dark against... against what? I wanted money to be able to travel with my girlfriend. I really wanted to take her abroad and have a nice time. I wanted money to be able not to worry that much about money in the future. I wanted to be productive so I would feel better. Yet I got a shitload of work to do that did not succeed on reaching the finish line. I failed people.
Have I failed myself?
I don't know. I'm still trying, that's the new game this new year right? Focus on our projects, and then even if I fail, I can go to the backup plans. And it's never over, we can still slowly work through the free hours we get.
I still feel this dreaded cold.
Maybe I can't be the success I want to be, and also the man I wanted to be for her, and also the friend I wanted them to have... but what comes after I decide to admit that? Do I lose?
Maybe I just need some time to relax.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking for a while before the New Game + starts.
I hate maybe's.
Yet I loved the first time I heard she saying "tanjoubi" for the first time. She will probably never understand what was the magic of it. And I probably will never be able to explain the absolutely cute moment it became, her face, her voice, her pose.
I loved winning that trophy. For it was the first victory of the chain of dreams. And maybe someday, it grows as strong as the dreaded chain.
I loved the moments she showed up without further notice. Even if it didn't turn out well because I couldn't see her.
I loved Japan. It was the most insanely cool travel I've done. Someday I'll get back there.
I am lost.
And I am afraid Christmas might not come for me this year.
When I should actually be afraid I did not come for Christmas this year.
And I'm almost sure now the answer lies within them. Perhaps I need these people around.
Perhaps I need a hug and a bit of silence, the one that makes us rest our heads somewhere and stop trying to prepare for whatever hells that might come.
Perhaps stopping is Christmas.
And if you've come thus far, I wish you a merry one. Even if I ain't not even close on the road for it. But you might be.


After all, all it takes is one who believes.

About relationships

It's undeniable that sometimes we get a bit frailer.
Though some would say that's no weakness, that's an opportunity to know where could our strength lie.
Can't really agree with them, but it doesn't seem to be something that bad sometimes. The big deal with all these troubles is that they are not a case of defined elements.
I thought about writing the things I thought while watching the landscape as the car glided through the road. But it seems a bit dull right now. It seems to have no point.
I just wanted to know what goes through people's heads when they set for something between boyfriend and girlfriend. In my head it feels like it should be something serious, something that demands commitment. It shouldn't be an act of sheer hipocrisy.
And this was a post that came in my head many weeks ago, I don't really remember all of the motivation. It just bugs me sometimes to see some couples out there. Why are people really trying to be together if they don't really like each other?
I know some of the reasons why. I can understand a bit of it. But is just looks... sad.
Within these days, some of the stories that play in my head grew up. Not to their final forms, not even close to that. But I keep on thinking about them.
There were three of them.
I guess now they are two, since the third one somehow disappeared. As stories come and go...
The first one, would be the big big one, between good and evil, two extremes from each side melted down to our human limitations. Both like each other, both try to be close to each other, both try to have a reason for each other. But that ends up separating them. Until the final encounter (which is what actually plays in my head), when they meet over the buildings and truth comes out. I guess I should say I'm sorry for being so abstract over here... but I really wanted to write it someday so, let's keep it like that.
The second one is a much more simple one yet bigger. It's about a heavenly creature that abandons its life to be with one among us. It's not innovative by any means indeed, but I like the way the dialogues run when you get to face that you no longer have the power to protect those you love.
I wonder what was the third.
I wonder why these things keep floating around in my head. I really have to man up and get back to writing...

Hells go down

I don't know where to start this post, and probably the title has nothing to do with all of it. But as long as I write it, and being me the one who chose the title, I guess it is alright.
Let's say this is a expression that got into my head when I was reading about bad news of bad times. Not that they affect me directly, although pretty much everything affects us, in mysterious ways if you ask me.
This won't be the post yet about the Japan experience. Perhaps a little rant about the aftermath. I miss that place, I miss some of the people (can't say I miss the people, there's some weird shit down there).
Things look a bit awry in this comeback. Maybe it's just me sad that I'm back. Well, not that I'm back, but a bit sad because I miss being there. I guess it's not just missing being a tourist, because this time it looks worse. I guess I really liked it there.
But eventually things will set up. Maybe if I focus a bit more on the people by my side right now the whole process gets a bit quicker. That brings us back to the awry part. I feel people are feeling a bit bad. The situations in which they are involved look bad I guess. That's it.
Also, I'm again lacking time to do everything.
Damn.
But eventually, things get better. Can't complain.

And hell goes down.

That song that played during the beginning

And so, we can sleep.
It's funny that the idea of sleeping early brings me so much agony. It's like, I feel the urge to do something. It looks there is just so much I have to do before sleeping. But I have to sleep...
The last days had so much going on. The chain of dreams was finally put to the test, and it survived.
But I guess I have to sleep.

Shores

It's interesting to notice how things affect you. At a moment, you are scared, nervous. The next moment, devastated. Happens quite oftenly, I guess. And you wonder, why?
Why does it bring thoughts that seem so stupid, and yet so ominous when you let logic go. Being conscious is quite painful, for it is neither the savior of thought, nor its final damnation. It is simply, an engine of doubt creation. For when you are in a peaceful state, conscience brings you back to what is going on, and you remember you are only human. And when there's frailty, it makes you realize how stupid you are. For how stupid it is to think what you are thinking.
Ain't that awesome?
It's remarkably sad that I have nothing to write here right now, other than strange thoughts regarding... thoughts. All the stories that live inside, they fade away when things go off the script. It gets hard to get them back. But maybe time gets us back there, to the point where we should be, and the trains get back on their rails.
Other than that, I've been working as hard as I can to create things. To have a chance of looking back and thinking ''Wow, I've done something". Who knows right? Maybe we get to achieve something, somehow. I just hope the price ain't too high after all. Still got the stories of relationships to write... still got many things to write... damn.


If all it took to bring you down was a well aimed blow, what makes you think a new chain can save you?

Torcida

É complicado ver todas essas notícias das manifestações surgindo de todos os lados. Complicado pois, por um lado, dá aquela pontada de esperança que talvez dessa vez mude, talvez não seja só mais um fogo de palha como aquele tanto de passeatas que vimos no decorrer de 2013. Por outro lado, as informações se confundem, não sabemos quem diz a verdade, talvez porque não exista uma verdade absoluta. Não sabemos se começou realmente só pelos 20 centavos, não sabemos se tem alguém por trás, usando todos como massa de manobra.
Não sabemos nem como chegar aonde queremos chegar. Até porque o "nós" se divide em seus desejos. Creio que seja próximo a unanimidade, o desejo por um país melhor, entre os manifestantes e simpatizantes da manifestação. Um país em que o dinheiro investido na educação, na saúde, e em tantas outras áreas, realmente chegue aonde foi destinado. Não precisa ser 10% do PIB, mas que não seja roubado em sua trajetória. Sem licitações absurdas e envolvidos de índole duvidosa. Pra não dizer criminosos.
É complicado.
Fui na manifestação de Sábado, em Brasília. Não para manifestar, andar com cartazes e fazer minha voz ser ouvida. Fui pra ver como era essa tal manifestação. Queria entender, formar alguma opinião a respeito. Mas cheguei tarde, creio eu. Não tínhamos mais tantos envolvidos, talvez porque a ação da polícia dispersou muitos, vai saber. Cheguei a ver alguns tiros, um pouco de ação, gritos, e manifestantes ainda resistentes na causa. E é bom deixar claro que o alvo não é a polícia. Eles estão fazendo o trabalho deles, são humanos. É claro que entre eles vai haver gente que está ali pra ver sangue, assim como vai haver gente assim entre os manifestantes. Mas não podemos deixar isso nos cegar, nos parar. Dizer que não vai à manifestação pois vai haver gente que só quer baderna, pra mim, é como dizer que não vai mais participar do trânsito urbano pois existem motoristas irresponsáveis, talvez até homicidas.
E não consegui formar minha opinião no sábado.
Mas a partir daí os movimentos foram crescendo, ontem 17/06/2013, tivemos manifestações impressionantes em várias cidades do país. Dá pra acreditar que dessa vez não é fogo de palha. Mas vemos uma quantidade sem fim de "razões para a manifestação". E isso é um problema, porque a maioria das mudanças não é feita da noite para o dia, imagine todas elas juntas então.
Temos de eleger as prioridades, e não, não acredito que tirar a Dilma seja a prioridade agora. Opinião minha. O importante é garantir que o nosso dinheiro seja gasto em função do país, e não para algumas pessoas terem regalias (que poderiam pagar com o próprio salário, diga-se de passagem).
Dá ódio ver algumas das notícias, da farra do dinheiro público. Mas creio que se deixar levar por isso não trará benefício ao movimento, talvez apenas ajude a extinguir sua chama. Alguns de nós (não são todos, mas me incluo) adoraria ver uma punição para certos corruptos, pena de morte e tudo o mais. Mas continua sendo perigoso dar o poder de decidir quem morre quem vive. Dar todo esse poder a alguém, um grupo que seja, não vai resolver.
É difícil.
Os motivos para as manifestações não faltam, e não sei se é válido pegar a causa de alguém e transformar em sua própria causa, apesar de (caso haja sucesso) ser um caminho para um país melhor.
Realmente não sei, tenho medo de ser um simples peão nisso tudo. A mídia mostra a informação importante pra cada lado, parece que ninguém está realmente imparcial em mostrar os dados. Mas talvez seja melhor simplesmente ir, ir e manifestar, ir e ver, fazer volume e ficar de olho no rumo que está sendo tomado. Se der merda, é sair, e ter a certeza de que tentamos fazer algo melhor pelo Brasil. Pode ser que isso tudo leve outros a tomarem o poder, e esses outros podem se apenas mais defensores de interesses próprios. Só resta esperar que para cada vez que isso aconteça, o povo se manifeste e vá lá dar o exemplo.
Vamos continuar cumprindo com nossos deveres, trabalhando, estudando. E no tempo livre, lutemos.

Monster

There is a fine line between what you know, and what you are. For safety purposes, this line must be always kept clear. One must not cross to the other side, no matter what. That's a sad fact for one can cross. And one wants to cross.
Knowing who you are is a mischievous deal. But actually, how can you know that you know who you are?
Have you ever been taken by envy? Ever thought that even if you tried to achieve something for all your life, you would still fail, for you were already born without the necessary skills. I don't even know if envy is the right aspect, when despair ensues feelings get confused.
Can it be called envy if you don't want to take people down because they are what you wanted? You just wish you didn't exist. The conscience of being conscious is already too much to bear. Why can't we be who we wanted to be? Or, perhaps we didn't want to be what we are sad for not being?
But then why does it bring you to the ground?
Can't coexist.
What's the problem? Why are these claws still deep beneath the flesh? I don't know the answers. I don't know what has to be done, I can't try to impress people. It's stupid and that's not me. I don't have what it takes for I don't have the attitude.
And there's only one defense. Even though I don't who exactly is attacking. Maybe it's them, maybe it's me.


But I can help you, child. Together we can be strong. We can survive to this world. This is their world, not ours, we are not welcome in here. But we can...

Kill them all...

Stars

And in violins and keyboards and strange objects which I can't really recognize, yet I know the sound, it goes.
I can't really say how I feel about all that, it seems so... small, simple, and yet so powerful. As finishing a quest that opens the world map. Guess that's the closest I can get to it. So much to do...
I can't really tell much of it for it is a mess in my head, but I'd like to thank everyone involved. Guess that if you are, or were at some point in these six years, my friend and had the slightest relation to anything regarding the university, you have a share in the thanks. I'd like to thank you all.
Probably a large part of the ending was motivated by you. As after all, in the end we are already too lost, and disbelief starts to unveil. There's no more reason to continue, since you are already far from where you should have started. But, even though there's no more room for battling, you can't simply let it go. So, we go on, for them. For you, in case. No army lives without its soldiers.
This boy is happy.

For the other, smaller part, I did this for gaming. As something that makes sense for me, and perhaps for me alone. If I finished it, there would be no more barriers to make me avoid playing. All those moments I missed from all these games I've seen. I had to honor it. Since, for the most part of my life, they guided me.

And as a last, out of this world consideration, to one specific being, who perhaps would not understand it like this. You, over there, among the stars, are you proud of me now?

In the Valley of Light

Como já está bem definido, faltam poucos dias para o grande fim do semestre de 6 meses. Sim, esse foi o primeiro semestre que durou realmente 6 meses de estudo. Valendo... tudo, eu acho?
Por muito tempo eu simplesmente acreditei que sim, porque seria essa a razão de ter entrado lá, sair de lá. Mesmo que no fim das contas a entrada foi pela porta próxima a porta certa, considerando que a porta certa foi descoberta.
É legal ver os relatos das pessoas em situações semelhantes. É assustador que no final parece que tudo se resume a uma busca imediata por dinheiro. Uma pena. Nada contra o sistema nem nada, não é essa minha questão, eu sempre adorei dinheiro. Acumular moedinhas, e talvez no futuro houvesse uma piscina como a do Tio Patinhas.
Mas é estranho pensar em olhar pra trás e ter confiança, eu não sinto que houve um grande amadurecimento nessa época. E não dá mais pra ficar falando frases animadoras e enérgicas, no momento isso já seria hipocrisia. Uma hora você acaba chegando na etapa em que não importa mais. Você continua fazendo o que tem que fazer porque você tem que fazer, that's about it. Não há tristeza e vontade de desistir, assim como não há mais aquela animação de vários personagens se ajudando dentro da sua cabeça. Talvez não haja mais nada. Nada de desistências, no entanto, pois ainda há a esperança de um tanto de coisas que podem ser feitas depois do grande final, se for realmente o final. Dá medo também em pensar nas coisas a fazer porque talvez não dê pra fazer tudo, mas é melhor do que não fazer nada, pode ser... que traga uma espécie de iluminação. Admiro essas pessoas que se esforçam, mas eu ainda sinto que não sou bom em nada. Tudo o que eu faço qualquer pessoa que desprenda um pouco do seu tempo poderia fazer, não fui um bom aluno na universidade. Na verdade, eu diria que fui um péssimo aluno, mas o sistema ainda deixa que você vá adiante. Claro, pode ser dito que houve alunos piores, mas aí vale o argumento de "serial killer x matou 33 e é um assassino, eu matei 1, então não sou assassino?'', o que coloca a posição de um péssimo aluno ali, mesmo que existam piores.
Mas e colocando pelo outro lado, porque existiram melhores não significa que não fomos bons, certo? Eu acredito que nesse âmbito não seja bem assim, não devemos nivelar por baixo. Mas foi uma boa tentativa.
Talvez seja só a tensão do final que esteja nos deixando assim. É possível, né? Sei que parece pessimista demais, e que dizem que eu cobro demais às vezes. Mas acredito que não pode ser sempre assim. Sempre chegando no final e dando aquela adrenalina pra correr com tudo que foi atrasado durante boa parte do tempo disponível. E sempre se safando no final. Não pode ser sempre assim. Uma hora o jogo vira contra você. Acredito que deva virar, pois não somos queridinhos do destino. Não sei se ele tem queridinhos, mas não somos nós. E provavelmente se você acredita que você é, provavelmente não é.


At least, we won't turn back. We may not run anymore, we may not even walk ahead. But we'll stand still. We'll hold ground until we can't do that, because we ain't turning back.
Sing, dance, eat, shout, do it all while it last. And the voices keep on screaming as disaster ensues.


I just, don't know if people can see equally. I mean, can they really see this? It's, absolutely gorgeous in a scale not even known to man. And it's here, always. When you get home at around 6 p.m., yet no one seems to realize. Or maybe I'm the one going mad.
But there's no rain, even though the sky seems pretty dark. Perhaps if there was rain it wouldn't be so pretty. All these lights.
Somehow, I feel like wishing to go up our building, just to stay here, closer to the sky watching all the chaos unfold down here.
I can relate that you are still thinking about your work.
I am, and I see these lightnings.
Well, I could say that may the lightning gods have mercy on you, but I guess that's too much of a protection you shouldn't be having by now. So, let's just keep it as, may you be good enough to survive the lightning. The just and the unjust.
Sounds fair.


And walk with me, walk with me through the Valley of Light...

Clockstopper

Have you ever felt as if you had all the guns in the world? Yet at the same time, no gun in the world could help you?
It's this funny.
A lot of things just float around in my head, yet I'm here. Supposedly doing my job. I ain't doing no job, don't feel like I am. Sometimes you just wake up weird I guess. What are we lacking?
Maybe we are just lacking the end of our final project, or perhaps the beginning, and also what comes between those two. I don't know.
In the mean time, allow me to tell a story. I know I shouldn't but I guess it makes me feel better. And perhaps, it's all about feeling better.


So, there was a boy walking on the side walk. He tripped. And for once, he didn't got up. He stood there with his hands holding the ground, as if something bad would happen in case he let it go. As if the world depended on that, as a great scar on the ground threatened to part the world in two.
Facing the ground as the day passed through him. As people walked around, birds flew, the sun shone, his mind dug deeper.


As I see these lights calling me, the colors in the sky when the sun starts to leave us. As I see this world moving, and moving, and moving. There's something wrong. And I don't know what is it.
But it has to stop.

Fire at will

Fear? You think that what roams free around here is fear? Fear is normal, as normal as grass growing below your feet.
This is bellowing despair, my fellow gentlemen, and this time, shit will blow up.


It's almost as if you were defeated. Except for the fact you haven't fought yet.


Knelt down, throat malfunctioning, breathing with effort, heart pounding in pain...
...
They won, I guess.
...
What. A. Shame. *grins*


You know what's worst? The worst part about all this is that I failed those to whom I promised things would get better. I kept all this reward thing as word-only. Doesn't matter how much I could care about failing things in the university or work. And I do care, I know it's important. But I feel I for the most part, failed being a friend. It's not getting better, it's getting a bigger failure, and I'm afraid. Afraid I can't reward them as much as they deserved.
Well, then, it's your lucky turn.
What?
You have the chance of turning the table, taking that bitter taste off your mouth. Winning, and then going to them, to offer their deserved roles in this victory.
I don't think I can do it.
There's two important points in this thing. It's either believing in yourself, or simply taking your words out of the fire. Can't do it for yourself? Do it for them. Prove it's not a defeat. Remember that phrase, you try, you fail, and then you fucking try again, and again, and again, and fail, again, and again. Because life sometimes ain't about winning, but about failing so much better that to everyone else it's a victory.
I just wanted to be as good as them.
As I said, you've just gotten lucky. Now get some blood in these hands, your daily lions aren't going to commit suicide. You have to man up and bring 'em down.


You know what's funny?
What's funny?
Even after all this time, you still come all this way to help me.
When things start to get so bad even a lord of hell can't sleep, the least you have to do is be there, even if crumble together is all you get to do.
I told you I'm not a lord of hell.
Then you really need help, because even those have already lost the ability to sleep.


And soon night falls over the front.
Night is good.

A grieving burden

It's sad to be the bringer of bad news, isn't it?
It is, indeed. But... at least it gives some sort of advantage.
Advantage?
Well, follow my train of thought. You are the one with the burden of telling the bad news, therefore, others do not know them. That gives you an advantage point.
But it doesn't matter, they are still bad news and I know they will be sad when they hear it, well, even I will.
Yeah... but at least you have some time to think about how you're going to bring it.
I'm not a very good grief reliever, I'd rather just bomb it down. That's how I prefer to receive bad news.
To each his own, I guess.

But I remember you were quite happy early this day.
I was, it's funny how waking up early on a cold sunny day lifts the spirits.
Is it fair for one bad notice to put it all at risk?
Well, it is quite a bad one.
Then it may be fair.
I guess it is.
But I'd like you to remember one thing you used to say to yourself.
Which is?
You can mourn over a sad happening, but only once.
What if this one time mourning takes a long time?
Up to you.
This sucks.
Indeed. But it is not carved into stone, sooner or later, it goes away.
But I don't know what to say, you can't deny the existence of a bad entity after it's said.
I know, but you gotta try. If there is something you ought to already have known is that people can take it. Perhaps that is one of the few perks of being an adult, you get to know bad things aren't forever. Well, I dunno. I just wanted to help you out somehow boy, but it is really up to you.
I know. But it's sad still.
As sad as it may be, it can't stop time. Also, the sky is still there for us, remember that. Fear not what may happen if you speak in times like these, as long as you do it willing for the best. Fear not trying to go through. Then it stops. And you stop, again.
Heh...

Also, you have a story about a father and his son to write.
But I also got work to do.
To each his own.

Support fire, part 1

And I can smell the same pitiful scent of loss from your soul.
Perhaps what you smell is your own fear. Ever thought about it?
Insolent fool... How dare you talk like this to me?
It's simple...
Simple? I see. You're trying to keep your spirit by lying to yourself. You'll share the same fate as your friend.
Will I? And what proof do you have that you have killed him? You're nothing more than a lie rebuilding itself in order to tackle on people's fears.
What?!
As far as we know, he disappeared...
I KILLED HIM!
Prove!
THIS IS THE PROOF!
...
Anything familiar in this locket?
...
You will rot... Just like him...


You said it was feasible, you said I could do it!
And I meant it!
But you lied...!
When did I lie?
You said he wasn't killed!
He wasn't...
Falz has the locket, he killed him.
What does that prove?!
Where else would he get that locket?!
I don't know.
...!


It's strange to fight against the fear of failing.
Very strange indeed. Perhaps the few words of help we can actually hear are the ones we magically imbue.
I don't know what are yours, but I can only repeat in my head "Come out swinging!".
And boy does it work.

I can see the rails

Enjoy your stay.

I wonder whether they say that before locking you in jail. Maybe if they are in a sadist mood. It's a bit sad when things seem to strive against their original plans. But that's not the thing. The thing is I am still behind in the organization aspect. I haven't even paid attention to the resolutions I made for last year, not even to mention the new resolutions. But I'm aware of it.
I guess being aware of things is a first step. Although being ever so conscious of things can be quite dangerous. It makes you think, it makes you count every detail of what is going on, what has already past and what will perhaps come to play. And that quite sucks sometimes. Being conscious that you are perhaps doing something out of laziness or something else. You know, when you feel like you know why you're doing something but you prefer to tell yourself that you are not. You're just, doing something, like normal people do. It may be wrong, or right, but you're doing, for the sake of it.
I don't think that made itself pretty clear.
I wonder if our essence is really something important. As in, I'm vengeful, and pretty much of an angry child. Ever since I can remember, although in the past I could, every now and then, explode. I guess that's me, well, part of it, that's not the big picture but a relevant part of it.
I don't know exactly why am I thinking this ''who we are'' thing. Perhaps because of Daytripper. I guess I really have got to read more.

Foul ball, haha.