I see guts on the floor, on the ceiling, but in you...?

Guess what?
It seems we weren't able to sleep again.
But this time, we didn't spend more than one hour and a half trying.
Looks like cycles aren't meant to be broken, huh?

I've been thinking and I've been thinking and I thought a thing that was thought a few times too many, too often to be discarded and too simple to be taken into consideration. Too selfish to be serious and too obvious to be comical. I think and I hate to think and I guess I hate these things I think, but mostly I hate the hate I feel. I hate hating but that could mean I love it. However in these thoughts I went on thinking I brought a thought inside my thoughts and thinking on it made me think how much I've been thinking, and thinking has to change.

"What troubles thee?"

That question has been here before and will be here forever. Being alive is trouble and that ain't supposed to change. But I humbly apologize for whatever came before and beg for your help through whatever comes after.
I solemnly beseech thee to guide me.

"And whence comes such?"

I need to find something that's very dear to me. That I haven't had for a long while. Eons seem to be since I have last had it.

"Material possessions...?"

What I am bound to is not material as it ain't even available in the physical form. Despite depending on physical belongings to come to life, its life ain't as known by men.

"And what is it that comes as the superlative description to its existance?"

It is my motivation. The reason I've been bringing air in and out, the reason I knew best when I was there.
That reminds me, time is ticking brazenly. I muster forces to gather it back. You are the cannons that open passages, the cast-iron voice that echoed through the battlefields, the higher standard to which all those who came later followed upon. WILL YOU HELP ME?

"There is a long-lasting question that should be heard, why... should... locked... birds... trust... being... freed... by... its... captors...?"

Not how it has to be remembered

Set your clocks.
It comes now.
Nothing you do.
Can restrain these thoughts.

And if these hours.
You stand your ground.
And keep thy heart.
There may be sound.

But fail you.
One minute too long.
A shame unsure.
Forget the song.


I guess I need to sleep. The boy who held the bell held it for far too long. And no pounding beast could release it, no matter the bruise, as dry as his eyes got.
While it may be true that some would rejoice to call these hours the fated return, and feast on the fear of a past that's set both solid and liquid, I will not let this be the Babadook.
I will not let this be my Babadook.
I will not let this be Babadook.
I will not let Babadook.
I will not Babadook.

It's unfair to memory and living. I'm not sure who are the demons, nor if there has to be new among those who dwell by my side. Although it's said that changes are the only certainty, perhaps we can bring a twist to this tired ruin.
I won't be weak. And I won't feel my head. And all these organs aghast. We'll just move through. With fear and darkness and death. For all these loose ends deserve to sleep. And so do their owners.

Setting up fear

She walked outside the elevator, two apartment doors faced her. The walls were white, a mirror hanged by her left. She didn't like mirrors very much. At least this one wasn't very bid not did it look threatening. The lights had went on when she moved out of the elevator, but it wasn't pitch-black dark before. She rang the bell.
A few seconds later, the door at the right was being unlocked. It opened fast.
–Hey there!
–Hey!
He welcomed her into the apartment. It was a big living room, two mattresses lied on the floor in front of the sofa. The lights were off but there was enough illumination due to the big windows at the balcony right across the room. The curtains were slightly opened.
She had been there before to, just like this day, watch horror movies. Some of the movies he showed to her were interesting. She would sometimes bring some movies too. They'd normally watch two movies. He loved that genre, and seemed to be deeply interested in trying to find movies that could scare her. It normally succeeded due to some jump scares. But it didn't feel enough for him.
She'd find it strange, that pursuit of fear. Even though he seemed to care about her at the end of every movie, there was also a strange look in his eyes. He longed for that lasting fear that walks behind you when it is bedtime.
Somehow, however, it felt safe. To this day, it was only jump scares. Some of the stories or characters were genuinely scary, and there was a eerie feeling at times, after the credits. Did not suffice but it always felt a little bit closer.
Popcorns were being prepared. They normally chatted during those explosions in the microwave. Topics regarding life in general, some events, some things that were funny. Then, after it was ready, it was time to go to the living room. He'd usually ask if she was ready, or which one would she like to watch first. She always asked which one was scarier, but he always had a hard time answering that.
It was hard for him to point out where to find fear in a movie, and had been so for a long time. But he still ranked some things that were present in these movies and that could perhaps get to her. Always trying to avoid spoilers, for it killed the surprise factor that could add to the possible fear.


And this is the day it all started...

Gift, part 11

–This is going to be so fucking awesome, man!
–Yeah, I'm sure it will.
–Do you want to join us at the soccer game? We are planning to go all the way to Newcastle to see the match between Brazil and New Zealand.
–Oh, the Olympics, right?
–Yeah! It is going to be awesome! We can go from Scotland to England really easy!
–Cool, I'm buying the plane tickets.
It was funny to think that it was somehow easier to talk to friends who were abroad, far away. Those who were close seemed to be distant, and it wasn't their fault. And by feeling some sort of remorse for letting them stray away like that, silence reigned.
Like a vicious cycle.
But he was truly decided in buying those plane tickets to visit a friend in Scotland. The university was on strike, so there wasn't much to do. His friend's joy of receiving visit from such a distance was enough. For thinking too much he didn't feel like radiating happiness.
But it would be fun.
Fun...
It was of fun that the darkness fed off him. Being sad made it weaker, being angry made it weakest. Angry meant to be completely devoid of its influence. Was it a good tradeoff?
Sometimes he felt it was, sometimes it felt like a stupid question. The negative answer was obvious.
And thinking about that felt strange because, it could probably hear, or read. It would get aware of the situation sooner or later, it would know he had discovered this weakness in the bond.
But that would have to be thought of later, the dwindling relation between him and his friends was more important. But what was there to be done?
He grabbed his cellphone. Passing through all those chats, sometimes entering some to see the last messages. Wondering how could so many of those boxes have such old "last message" timestamps. There had always so much to talk about, and there still were things they could talk. Or perhaps he could just listen, the last weeks felt like... Empty.
If he could get rid of Daven, would the emptiness go away?


–I feel strange.
–What do you mean?
–It's like, being even more tired than before. But as more intense as it can feel, it also feels like a different type of being tired.
–Perhaps...
–Hm?
–Perhaps it is draining even more now.
–Even more... I thought about it these days. It probably already knows of my thoughts. It knows I am aware of the weakness.
–It might not worry much. You can't be kept angry forever. I don't know if one can endure such fate.
–I'd rather not have to hold such burden. Perhaps if I'm sad for life?
–Sad... Forever?
–Forever is a bit too long, but, if I keep on being sad for a very long period, it would get weaker right?
–Indeed, weaker and weaker. But it has already drained incredible amounts so, I'd say it can hold on for longer than you can keep up with that choice.
–Well, something could... Kill it, right? Like that day it killed, that thing.
–That's a difficult gamble...
–Perhaps...
–...Moreover, would a life like that be worth living?
–"Worth living" is something that depends a lot on the point of view.
–Yes, but...
–If you think solely on the point of choosing to be sad, it is more of a sacrifice that may not bring anything. Or you can see it as I see...
Her eyes were staring at his. He seemed different saying these things. The curiosity in those eyes shadowed the huge scar.
–...It is more like a war. And defeating it would be an achievement. If it chose me for, I don't know, being the best generator it could find, then perhaps I am the only one who could be up to the challenge. It is weird to say those words, it is not like being full of myself. I guess it is more in the sense of having to see it as something I can do, so I don't give up.
–It is a strange concept to me. But if thinking that makes you feel better... I just think that it may not be a wise move.
–I was never much the wise type.
She smiled.
–I could see that on the first day!
–Aw, come on! I was taken by surprise!
The smile faded a little.
–Yeah, I know...
He saw a glance of the face she made that day. How could he say anything about that day without referring to the scar. The eternal sad smile that tore her cheeks.
–But you know, I'm very glad that I had that day. Not only because I had a small victory against my fear, can't say I truly overcame it. But, Daven did one good thing. Sometimes I'd wait for the night to come just for the chance of having such a nice company.
She stared at him with a face that is hard to describe. It was like a void. Like someone who isn't sad but has no way to react to what just happened.
–I know this is quite weird, but I'm glad you're here.
The eyes turned downwards. He wondered if everything was okay. But before he could ask, she started.
–It is good to hear that. But you must remember that there is also the company of your friends. They can walk by your side all the time, not just at night.
–I know, but...
A tear made a small circle on the sofa.
–Thank you.
He looked at her hair. That was not how he expected it would be. Those were some strange days...
–I have a request for you.
–Sure! What is it?
–Do not choose to weaken it by torturing yourself.
–But I won't torture myself, I'll just...
–DO NOT!
He leaned backwards.
–I... Well, okay... I just don't know any other way...
–You'll figure out. But promise me you won't go through any of those you mentioned.
–I...
She raised her head. Her eyes were closed, forming a strangely happy smile, as if it was forced. As if it hurt.
–Because I promise that if you choose to go through any of those two, I will come for you.
His heart raced.
–I... Promise. I won't do that.
Her face went back to normal.
–Good. Now, let's go for a walk.
–A walk?
–Yes. Let's walk around the city, I know you enjoy that.
–You sure?
–Yes. Let's generate much more energy than he could ever think about draining this night.
His thoughts blanked.
–We won't be sleeping this Saturday. Go get ready.
Trying to hide the grin, he nodded and walked to the bedroom. But one thought then made its way through.
–Isn't it dangerous to walk around the city at night? I mean, it is not very safe and all...
She couldn't believe he worried about that. It sounded so silly it was funny.
–Hahaha, unsafe? Are you really worried about that?
–Oh, yeah, I forgot...


A week had passed.
The plane tickets were bought. His friend was preparing their schedule. Those would be two weeks on the United Kingdom. Those would be two weeks travelling through the country visiting castles and seeing impressive landscapes. Two weeks without worrying about whatever bothered him in his daily routine.
But it worried it.
And thus it came on his sleep.
He was used to waking up in the middle of the night. And so he did, and sat on the edge of the bed.
–We have been busy these last days, haven't we?
And darkness grew.

Paradise

I like it here. Very, very much. It makes me wonder...

There's so much you should be told. So much I think about, so much you could think about. What goes through your mind? Are you as crazy as me?

Have you ever felt like digging your own grave? And you notice it but you can't stop anymore because it is what you do? Or because when you look at it, it looks so beautiful. You decorated it with all the details you'd want to have around... And now it looks like home.

It feels like digging graves, looking around for you. Because it is hard for me not to care about what people say, I know it is not a good habit but these die hard.

Sometimes I think things that look awesome, but then they seem to somehow disappear in this ocean.

If only you could see all I'm seeing. And perhaps if I could see what you see, then maybe. Maybe, right?

I'm holding paradise right now, but not like I was a few weeks ago. The needy part of me won't override this, even if I feel miserable, I'm holding. And it is awesome. I will work hard enough to get paradise again, and we'll make sure the tables are turned by the end of the year.

I still feel these tears trying to get out, and it is hard to keep aware of reality. But we're making some progress down here. And you...

Perhaps you're worth the dig. Worth the risk. Maybe you will like paradise.

Raindrops

Damn man, I should be sleeping. But I don't wanna sleep.
I don't like this feeling. It's like, feeling alone.
I have to man up and talk to people. I have to talk to people. I need to get out of this.
To be honest, I'd just like to lie my head on someone's lap and close my eyes.
I can't cry anymore, the time for that is long gone now.
I am a selfish thing that has a lot of things but grieve for those I haven't.
I see you right there, I know you're on my side. I thank you for that. Every message you send feels like a star shines somewhere in the darkness. Don't you worry, I'll keep on fighting. But I'm too weak. You know, I still think about her. Despite all I was told. I have to try harder. I don't want to be one of those people that cannot be helped.
I don't want.
I think I'm growing bitter. And envious.
Could I please just lie my head on your lap for a while? I promise I won't speak a thing. I won't bombard you with negativity.
At least it is sealed within.
This all feels silly.
I can only offer money in return I guess. Don't take it as an offense. That's all I've got. It makes the bad thoughts go away for a while. Think of it as my time. One of the most precious things I could have.
I feel drained.

Gift, part 10

He stared at her, no response other than that. Inside his head he wondered if she would just turn the back on him and leave, due to his lack of words, or come even closer demanding for an explanation. In the end, both options frightened enough. And motionless, he remained.
Facing that expressionless aspect, she stood still. Perhaps an explanation was too much to ask for.
But then again, what was there to explain?
To him, those words did not lie. They might not have brought it all to surface, as she was some sort of spirit after all. And pretty much some sort of undead too. "Smiley" was the word in the sentence that made his innards crawl. It almost sounded as some sort of mockery to her pain. He wished he didn't care, but it felt pretty bad since he couldn't forget that she had endured being by side for many nights.
She wasn't real. As in "circle" real. But she was better than it. At least it was easier to relate than with Daven. And why the hell would it tell her about that? Revenge? Didn't look like the behavior he witnessed for a good part of his life. Still, it was acting a bit differently. More distant, more... aggressive? He didn't know if that was the word.
That wasn't important for now anyway, he had to say something to her. Anguish grew as he looked at her and no words seemed to be useful.
He could say "sorry", but he always believed that was something stupid to say. Saying you're sorry does not fix things. You need something more, something that really proves you would do differently, or do anything to make that go away if you had the chance. But there was a chance that was too much of an utopical behavior. And resources were too scarce for making it happen.
He could say he didn't mean it, but that would also be a lie. Even if it was in a situation he meant it, that didn't mean he thought it everytime. But that was also too shallow.
"To be honest, to be really, really honest?"
–Thank you for the company...
Her eyes opened wider, as if she couldn't believe that was the reaction to that moment.
–I really have gotten nothing that feels worthy of saying so... If you've got to leave I can only understand, but it is better to show some gratitude before...
It felt like giving up, it felt stupid. But he couldn't counter his thoughts. Once again, he had to take a stand for himself and all that came out were ideas of not being able to withstand the task.
–That's all...?
–Pretty much...
–No apologies?
–I didn't think of a way that felt like really fixing it.
–Sometimes there is no way of fixing what was done.
–But there has to always be a way to make those you wronged feel better.
–That may not fix it, though.
–I don't know, I just... Couldn't find the right words. But I didn't want to stay silent all the way.
–That would have been even more foolish of you.
He lowered his head, acknowledging.
At least he said something. Most of the time when these conflicts came by, he'd just listen. While listening can be thought of as a virtue, words have got to be spoken.
–So, take care.
–Take care?
–Well, yes. I'm not sure what harms are there in this world for... you.
She frowned. The scar dwindled, forming a small drop of blood near the lower lip.
–For things like me? There aren't many but, I appreciate your concern.
–I didn't mean to say anything like that now, I know that what was said can't be taken away.
–You still have so much to learn...
–What...?
–I wonder if you are this naive, because of your own essence, or because it made you grow this way in order to have control over your energy.
–So, it is not here now. Why don't YOU teach me anything, if I'm so lost down here?
Deep down he felt angry. It was hard to actually argument and to justify but, most of the times he never cared. Anger felt good. And even though he had made a mistake before, that did not justify her acting like that. It didn't, right?
–That would be a worthless effort. You are still too used to relying on its protection. No matter how bad things get, you don't actually get to act much, do you? You just do something small, and thing of it as a grand, heroic effort. As that meant you are now another person, and things will change. But nothing changes.
–Wh...?
She walked closer. Slowly, always facing him.
–He managed to control you after all. Must have been real easy.
–Just what is wrong with you?!
–I will talk to it as soon as possible. He will find you another companion, one that does not get bothered by being obliged to tag along someone so...
–So what?!
She lowered her body in order to talk closely to his ear. Her voice was now pure despise. Sitting on the bed, his head rushed between asking what was going on and a constantly increasing rage.
–So easy to fool. It gets clear that what she did was the only option. She can step on you and then ask for help whenever she needs, because that's what you're useful for.


Sometimes a split second is all it is needed for a spark to bring down an entire building.
He had been very good at holding it back, when people mistreated him. It wasn't always like that. He learned it within the years. But sometimes this past danced in the void.
A child barely taking another off the ground, by pulling her hair. The eyes getting reddish, breathing in gushes. She had tripped in the joystick wires, the Super Nintendo dashed forward while she fell. The game stopped. Nervous she apologized, but knew he'd get angry. Trying to control herself, she laughed. He blanked.
The next second he wasn't sitting in the floor anymore. It didn't last for long, but it lasted enough for the night to follow in silence. No one spoke a word until the morning came.
So many more...
A child falling off a tower of plastic chairs. One hitting an iron pilaster. Both losing deciduous teeth. A mechanical pencil cutting the skin of a boy who poked him even after telling to stop three times. All the punches, slaps, threats. It was all too fast.
It had stopped. He knew the consequences. Might have taken a dozen years, but it was done. Still, there was always that little voice somewhere asking for more. It felt so good.


He breathed heavily, interruptedly. His hand on her knife, her hand on his wrist. He grabbed it faster than he thought he could realize. His right cheek was wet. The eyes getting red, the right one wept. It wasn't right.
But it felt right.
Consciously he forced his arm in order to let go. She looked serious, that mocking tone had faded away.
Yet the voice in his head asked for her blood, she deserved it. It repeated that he was a loser and that everyone laughed at him. But it could be changed. All he had to do was follow that incredible feeling.
But it wouldn't be right to hurt her.
That thought shimmered in the storm. Hard to take notice.
He grinned, now thinking of all the things he had to fix in his life. It wasn't fair to blame her for that, but it couldn't be helped.
Her grip was still strong. Lowering the body once again to get closer, and knowing it would become each time harder to hold that hand begging for blood, she started to speak. The distance between the blade and the neck lessened.
–I know you are very angry now. And that was my goal.
Very close.
–You will have to believe me. It made me see the last night, I saw what you said, and the entire discussion. But I noticed something while seeing that through his eyes, it got weaker. When your anger goes out of control it can't see your thoughts, it is unable to drain you. I believe it show me that in order to create a conflict, even though it does not get to take much advantage of you when you are sad, it does not get at bay.
The blade now touched her neck. Just a little bit more until it could enter.
Just a little bit more, and she will pay.
–Now, I know those things may bring you down, but it was the only way...
A small drop of blood formed. Her voice got weak and unsteady.
–Listen to me...
He could hear, but it was hard to reason. Each time he realized that wasn't right, the voice came with a bigger flood of violent thoughts. He knew he might regret that, but it was just too hard to step back. He could never go back, he held too much to just let them go away. They all had to pay. They all would pay. Things weren't going well, but he would make it better. Alone, for alone he wouldn't have to worry about others. And he wouldn't have to relate to anyone, deal with the harsh parts of friendships. And if she was right, not even Daven would be a problem anymore. For it wouldn't be anymore. Nothing would be.
A gentle touch covered his cheek.
–Thank you for the company, too.
She didn't take any step back also.
The storm exploded. And in the aftermath, when senses came back, their foreheads touched each other, the knife was shaking alongside his hand. Her hand still covered his cheek. Blood flowed timidly.